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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Just a vent about birthday parties and other mums

53 replies

QuirkyTurtle · 30/03/2022 10:42

I took my almost 3 year old stepson to a birthday party last Saturday. He doesn't even speak in full sentences yet but he talks about this friend occasionally so it's obvious this is his first 'best friend'. It was fairly last minute because his mum received the invitation and didn't realise it was on our weekend, so she asked me.

I get on with my stepson's mother very well. I wouldn't say we're friends but as close as you can get. We communicate with each other directly.

I went to the party and everyone was giving me the stink eye. At first I thought I was being paranoid until one of the other mums came up to me and asked how I thought [stepson's mum] would feel about me being here, and not in a particularly nice way. His mum literally texted me to say 'thanks for rearranging plans and taking SS, I think it's important to him'.

It was pretty shit especially because I was actually looking forward to meeting some of his friends, and their mothers. I get the same look when I go to pick up SS from nursery, and it's clear to me now I'm not imagining it.

Anyway, vent over.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 10:46

What utterly vile people. You did a nice thing.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 10:50

It's a shame their children won't have the good fortune your SS has if their parents separate!

You should've told them she'd be glad her son wasn't missing out because his dad was busy!

Original poster

QuirkyTurtle · 30/03/2022 10:55

There's a lot of things I should have said but I was so stunned at the time I didn't really say anything to defend myself!

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 30/03/2022 10:59

Such a shame you didn't put her in her place by telling her his mum had asked you to bring him.

What idiots!

LindaEllen · 30/03/2022 11:01

It says more about them than you. Some people get incredibly bitter when new people come into their children's lives - and the people who make comments to you are obviously those people. You and DSS's mum obviously have things sorted, and good for you - it'll be better for him in the long run.

purpleboy · 30/03/2022 11:05

That's so bizarre, in what world does anyone think that's ok?

Were you the other woman? Not that it should matter if you get on with mum, but just wondering if maybe she has bitched about you at the start and that why they are behaving like this?

Suretobe · 30/03/2022 11:05

Ugh I took DSD to an event last week and a parent asked which child is yours. I just said ‘name’ and immediately got the evil eye from a parent who overhead and obviously knows the circumstances. I can’t be arsed to explain to everyone when most people will instantly forget anyway.
Persevere. Many parents will be nicer than those you met. I promise.

CrotchetyQuaver · 30/03/2022 11:07

Good grief what a pack of bitches! It's a real shame you were too stunned to tell them she personally asked you to take him as she couldn't.

Original poster

QuirkyTurtle · 30/03/2022 12:12

@purpleboy

That's so bizarre, in what world does anyone think that's ok?

Were you the other woman? Not that it should matter if you get on with mum, but just wondering if maybe she has bitched about you at the start and that why they are behaving like this?

No, I wasn't! My stepson was conceived of a one night stand, his parents were never even in a relationship with each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

QuirkyTurtle · 30/03/2022 12:14

@Suretobe

Ugh I took DSD to an event last week and a parent asked which child is yours. I just said ‘name’ and immediately got the evil eye from a parent who overhead and obviously knows the circumstances. I can’t be arsed to explain to everyone when most people will instantly forget anyway. Persevere. Many parents will be nicer than those you met. I promise.

Is it because the existence of stepparents makes people insecure? Yeah I agree, if it's relevant like at the doctors or whatever, I'll mention he's my stepson but to a random person, I don't see why it matters.

OP posts:

familyissues12345 · 30/03/2022 12:17

Blimey what a load of bitches! What's it to do with them anyway?! Nosey cows

ilovemyboys3 · 30/03/2022 12:19

Oh poor you! This is probably one of the reasons I would be very very reluctant to do something like this, or even the school run for my sc. Sounds as though you have it sorted in terms of the mother so good on you. X

Enough4me · 30/03/2022 12:21

My DCs' friends know that they Iive between two homes, mainly mine. Some are in the same position. One parent is not happy for their son to go to my exH house, but she was aware he cheated on me causing our relationship to end. The others are fine.

Could his mum have said something negative about your to them?

Laptopsandmouses · 30/03/2022 12:22

Were you the other woman? It reads like they think you were

thisplaceisweird · 30/03/2022 12:25

You should mention this to your stepson's mum - maybe even just being conscious of it she will mention your name more in a way that makes it clear you are all happily co-parenting?

Enough4me · 30/03/2022 12:26

OP is not the OW, but I wonder if his mum hinted this.

Original poster

QuirkyTurtle · 30/03/2022 12:29

My stepson's mother was living with her new partner before my stepson was even born. I don't see how there could ever have been any confusion about whether or not I was the other woman.

We do get on very well but obviously we all complain to friends when shit happens in our lives so it's possible she has complained about me before. Who knows.

Next time I'll ask her to at least let the host know ahead of time it will be me who is coming!

OP posts:

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 12:29

@thisplaceisweird

You should mention this to your stepson's mum - maybe even just being conscious of it she will mention your name more in a way that makes it clear you are all happily co-parenting?

If it were me I'd explain what happened to mum and say unfortunately you're unwilling to take her child to similar events in future due to her "friends" disgusting behaviour.

gogohm · 30/03/2022 12:30

Vile people. I would be seriously tempted to really put the cat among the pigeons and arrange at some point to be with dss's mum... can you imagine the tongues! People cannot get their heads around adults acting like adults and getting along with ex's plus their new dps. I get on fine with dp's ex, I have particular expertise as does she in a certain area that affects both our DD's so handy to trade info

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 12:30

If it were me I'd explain what happened to mum and say unfortunately you're unwilling to take her child to similar events in future due to her "friends" disgusting behaviour.

That benefits nobody and just means the child misses out.

Original poster

QuirkyTurtle · 30/03/2022 12:33

If it were me I'd explain what happened to mum and say unfortunately you're unwilling to take her child to similar events in future due to her "friends" disgusting behaviour.

@KatsuKatsu - I see where you're coming from, but I WANT to take my stepson to these things. My SO and I have always been of the opinion that this boy should never miss out on anything our biological kids wouldn't miss out on.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 30/03/2022 12:35

I have been in your position OP, I got with dsd's dad when she was 3 and quite often parties would land on the days we had her and I was often asked to take her, her mum was fine with this, dsd had 2 brothers so dh had to look after them when I took dsd to the party. Several times I got evil looks and comments, several times I just left dsd and waited outside as I didn’t feel welcome, but after I had been to a few people seemed to except it and I got asked to stay or to help out.

I think people do judge and assume that the mother wouldn’t want the ex’s new partner taking their dc to a party. I think people find it hard to believe that not all ex’s hate each other and that people can get along.

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 12:35

@girlmom21

If it were me I'd explain what happened to mum and say unfortunately you're unwilling to take her child to similar events in future due to her "friends" disgusting behaviour.

That benefits nobody and just means the child misses out.

I see what you mean but I would still refuse to put myself in that position again

aSofaNearYou · 30/03/2022 12:36

That benefits nobody and just means the child misses out.

Hmm that's not entirely true, it would benefit OP to not have to go into social situations where she's going to be sneered at and scorned. It's fair enough to not be comfortable with that.

If it were me I might not jump straight to never doing it again but I would inform the mother about my experience in the hopes that she would set the record straight. I wouldn't want to be expected to put myself in that position again. If it did then happen again I probably would stop taking him to things like this.

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 12:37

@QuirkyTurtle

If it were me I'd explain what happened to mum and say unfortunately you're unwilling to take her child to similar events in future due to her "friends" disgusting behaviour.

@KatsuKatsu - I see where you're coming from, but I WANT to take my stepson to these things. My SO and I have always been of the opinion that this boy should never miss out on anything our biological kids wouldn't miss out on.

That's very kind of you and you are a stronger person than I. I wouldn't be able to put myself in the position to be treated like dog shit.

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