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Original poster

Just a vent about birthday parties and other mums

53 replies

QuirkyTurtle · 30/03/2022 10:42

I took my almost 3 year old stepson to a birthday party last Saturday. He doesn't even speak in full sentences yet but he talks about this friend occasionally so it's obvious this is his first 'best friend'. It was fairly last minute because his mum received the invitation and didn't realise it was on our weekend, so she asked me.

I get on with my stepson's mother very well. I wouldn't say we're friends but as close as you can get. We communicate with each other directly.

I went to the party and everyone was giving me the stink eye. At first I thought I was being paranoid until one of the other mums came up to me and asked how I thought [stepson's mum] would feel about me being here, and not in a particularly nice way. His mum literally texted me to say 'thanks for rearranging plans and taking SS, I think it's important to him'.

It was pretty shit especially because I was actually looking forward to meeting some of his friends, and their mothers. I get the same look when I go to pick up SS from nursery, and it's clear to me now I'm not imagining it.

Anyway, vent over.

OP posts:
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KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 12:38

@aSofaNearYou

That benefits nobody and just means the child misses out.

Hmm that's not entirely true, it would benefit OP to not have to go into social situations where she's going to be sneered at and scorned. It's fair enough to not be comfortable with that.

If it were me I might not jump straight to never doing it again but I would inform the mother about my experience in the hopes that she would set the record straight. I wouldn't want to be expected to put myself in that position again. If it did then happen again I probably would stop taking him to things like this.

Maybe this is a very better approach.

And yes it would very much benefit the OP whose feelings are just as important as her stepchild's.

bert3400 · 30/03/2022 12:39

OP you sound really lovely and a great Step Parent. Carry on being a caring human and ignore the nasty comments, hard I know sometimes.

Enough4me · 30/03/2022 12:40

Do you talk with his mum face-to-face?

I would wait to be in that position then ask her if there may be a reason the other mums were not happy for you to be there. You can see her body language if she's surprised or looks guilty. You may have been thrown under the bus before you got there.

funinthesun19 · 30/03/2022 12:45

Shit stirring bitches. Why are they so bothered?

The thing is. These mums like the ones at the party would be the first ones to call you an evil stepmum if dsc’s mum told them you wouldn’t take dsc to the party.

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 12:45

@funinthesun19

Shit stirring bitches. Why are they so bothered?

The thing is. These mums like the ones at the party would be the first ones to call you an evil stepmum if dsc’s mum told them you wouldn’t take dsc to the party.

Exactly. Some people just love to hate a stepmum
Original poster
QuirkyTurtle · 30/03/2022 12:51

@Lovemusic33

I have been in your position OP, I got with dsd's dad when she was 3 and quite often parties would land on the days we had her and I was often asked to take her, her mum was fine with this, dsd had 2 brothers so dh had to look after them when I took dsd to the party. Several times I got evil looks and comments, several times I just left dsd and waited outside as I didn’t feel welcome, but after I had been to a few people seemed to except it and I got asked to stay or to help out.

I think people do judge and assume that the mother wouldn’t want the ex’s new partner taking their dc to a party. I think people find it hard to believe that not all ex’s hate each other and that people can get along.

It must be that. I know it's maybe not too common for stepparents to get along the way we do, but why just assume, or be angry on someone else's behalf.

I will actually keep going and hope that it gets better.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 30/03/2022 12:51

Sorry op didn't mean to offend by asking if you were the OW, I just can't fathom anyone being so rude!

Maybe you should mention it to the mum, without saying you'll refuse to take her in future, I would have be so embarrassed if any of my mum friends took it upon themselves to be rude to my DC SM, although we are long out of that age now.

Original poster
QuirkyTurtle · 30/03/2022 14:36

I'm not offended at all!

Thanks all for your lovely comments.

OP posts:
candles1298 · 30/03/2022 14:52

I definitely think you should say to his mum about it. If my Dds SM Was treated like this by my mum friends/acquaintances I'd want to know so I could mention it to them. More due to the fact I wouldn't want my Dd picking up on any tension or ill feelings

It could be that they feel they are doing it out of loyalty to her, not realising it's not what she would actually want

Hollywolly1 · 30/03/2022 15:01

Ah pass no remarks on all those mum bitches,they probably feel threatened by you and btw this type of thing happens all the time even if you were the bio mum.I think its brilliant for the child that you and the mum communicate really well 😀 so she obviously likes and trusts you with her child.I am a mother not a step mother but if I was I'd like to think I'd have that good relationship for a childs sake.I think you are kind to take the time to bring him ,you obviously care for him very much

Hollywolly1 · 30/03/2022 15:04

If those mum bitches just stopped to think for one minute they'd realise you wouldn't have the child without her permission unless you stole him and the child obviously happy to be with you to.

Original poster
QuirkyTurtle · 30/03/2022 15:10

Ha! Well obviously it's on dad's parenting time so ultimately it's dad's permission that I need. But I see where you're going with that.

Yes I will definitely mention it to SS's mum when I see her later this week. I wouldn't blame her if she has said things about me in the past but hopefully it can get cleared out!

OP posts:
mnnewbie111 · 30/03/2022 15:23

Nasty bitches. Someone has def slagged you off tho I reckon. You sound like a great step mum, try to ignore it

MeridianB · 30/03/2022 17:12

It was a power play, OP, pure and simple. The nasty mum wanted to make you feel bad and diminish your role and presence at the party. She’s a bully.

If DSS’s mum has always been straight/civil/friendly then I doubt she has said anything negative about you. You did a good thing and you were targeted by someone mean. Brush it off. You’re the better person.

HumptyDumpty2022 · 30/03/2022 21:22

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candlesandpitchforks · 31/03/2022 05:05

I'm a mum and SM and for the love of god if my DD SM was in this position I would want her to tell me asap so I could wring the cows neck. I have a friend like this (I say friend but acquaintance based on our dc getting on really well) and she will pull this exact thing because she literally loves drama and cannot get her head around blended families or non 2.0 families.
Think queen bee type, her child is lovely sweet thing and I do wonder how they share dna.

That said I would have probably warned my DD SM about her tbh this women inserts herself everywhere and my DD SM would get really flustered by the natural interrogation that would follow.

I always find the OW thing really weird to come up as a question. I don't really see what baring is has in this situation or really any when it comes to step parenting tbh.

My DD SM was the other OW (and she's lovely btw) and I don't know why I would be telling the other mums at nursery, or DD mums friends. I mean how odd ? I suppose people gossip but if I gossip with them surely it means I will be gossiped about and as my DSD says "I'm not about that life tbh"

HumptyDumpty2022 · 31/03/2022 08:13

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Original poster
QuirkyTurtle · 31/03/2022 09:10

@HumptyDumpty2022

Crikey I had a really similar experience when I was just over a year into my relationship with now DH. I had no idea and we hosted a birthday party for his daughter - she invited a group of friends. The mothers were all pals with the very hostile ex wife (except I didn’t really know she was that hostile at that time - I was so naive it makes me laugh now). They were fucking vile to me. I’d spent ages making it a lovely party for them all and they all ganged up on me in my own home. Afterwards they all posted pics on Facebook tagging in ex wife and saying how much she was missed.

It was an eye opener. Never again, never fucking again. Shame as his children missed out ultimately, but this pattern was repeated in every aspect of our life and they missed out on so much.

Wow that's insane! I can't imagine being that cruel to someone.
OP posts:
Cloverforever · 31/03/2022 09:24

@HumptyDumpty2022

I wasn’t OW but by Christ I’ve been treated like I was for years. Ex wife needed someone else to blame for their failed marriage and I came along and filled that role for her.
My ex-husband's wife says this about me, despite the fact I was the one that chose to end the marriage, and there was 7 month's before he met her. All very bizarre!
CornishGem1975 · 31/03/2022 09:50

I've been on the school run with my DH sometimes, especially when I was on maternity leave and had spare time. You'd have thought I had scabies or something.

theleafandnotthetree · 31/03/2022 09:57

Not the same thing but when my exhusband and I are together at things like matches, school concerts etc it is clear that some people feel uncomfortable and/or can't really get that we can be amicable enough to do things like that yet still be seperated. It's like a binary thinking - you are either a conventional couple (and it matters not how well you actually get on) or you must hate one another. I don't take any of it personally, some people - like the horrid ones you encountered- have a really narrow frame of reference. That's their problem.

HumptyDumpty2022 · 31/03/2022 10:17

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HumptyDumpty2022 · 31/03/2022 10:25

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Cloverforever · 31/03/2022 14:47

@HumptyDumpty2022

It’s not all that bizarre *@Cloverforever* - circumstances were similar to yours, although I believe their split was mutual, clearly I wasn’t there so don’t know for sure. Throughout she’s treated me like an intruder in her marriage that was dead and buried long before I met DH. She held up the divorce and held him to ransom. She also claims to be deliriously happy with her new partner whilst still digging the knife in at any given opportunity (of which we give her very few). To me if you’re deliriously happy you move the fuck on!
Yeah, different to mine as I definitely left him. Months later he kept asking me to go back, buying me flowers etc, but there's no way I was going through that again. I actually encouraged him to try online dating! We even agreed on which apps we'd both me on so there was no overlap Grin.

I honestly wanted him to find somebody else and for it to be somebody the kids would get on with. However, she has caused so many issues and accused me of so many awful things it really doesn't make sense.

It's 8 years on now and despite having never met and having no contact whatsoever she still posts on here about it under multiple name changes, accusing me and my kids of all sorts. She has been banned several times for being a troll and making personal attacks, but she keeps reappearing. I really don't understand her problem with me, but I wish she would leave us alone!

HumptyDumpty2022 · 31/03/2022 17:42

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