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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Really sick of DSC at the moment.

39 replies

GrowingTuff · 27/03/2022 20:29

I've got one child with my husband and he has two older children from his past relationship. Our child is 1, his older two are 11 & 13.

I'm really struggling at the moment. They used to be such lovely children and we got on so well. It's not that we now don't but I just can't stand it when they stay anymore. It's the arguing and fighting (often phsycial!) Between them when they are here it's horrible and frankly really fucking annoying.

I know it's likely normal teen/pre teen behaviour between siblings but it's seriously affecting how I feel and I'm not sure what to do.

For about the last 6 months I absolutely despise them coming to us, they live here 50:50 and nothing about it is enjoyable. My husband spends the entire time like a referee, the moaning and whinging and "they did this, they did that" just grates on me.

I know they are exactly the same at their mum's too.

We've had one or two occasions where for various reasons only one has come for the night and it's been bliss. Like how it used to be us having a laugh and so on. When they are here together though (99% of the time) it's shit.

I honestly can't be arsed anymore. I just ignore it now if DH is off somewhere else in the house and j hear an argument break out. I just am passed caring about who breathed on the other or whatever other silly shit it's about.

Sorry needed to rant.

OP posts:
Beamur · 27/03/2022 20:35

Ooft. That sounds wearing.
Would the kids like a break from each other?
As it's 50:50 could you shift it so they have slightly different days - so they overlap but you bookend the time so you would have each one solo for a day or two?

Original poster
GrowingTuff · 27/03/2022 20:43

@Beamur

Ooft. That sounds wearing. Would the kids like a break from each other? As it's 50:50 could you shift it so they have slightly different days - so they overlap but you bookend the time so you would have each one solo for a day or two?
I doubt dad or mum would agree to that unfortunately!
OP posts:
BurntEnds · 27/03/2022 20:57

Sounds like it's in their best interests to have a bit of time apart though. Anyway you're doing the right thing, I just ignore my DSC bickering at each other. If it gets too much and my little one is there I tell them to take it elsewhere. If they smack each other in the head I tell their dad. Otherwise I have better things to do with my time

Harlequin1088 · 27/03/2022 21:02

I’m exhausted reading that so goodness knows how you must feel. I’d personally just leave them to kick seven bells of shit out of each other and let your husband deal with it. Either go out on your own with just your child or take yourself off to your bedroom, lock the door and put some headphones in. You shouldn’t have to put up with that shit in your own home.

AccidentalMindFuck · 27/03/2022 22:00

Dealing with other people’s children is very wearing.

Beamur · 27/03/2022 22:23

Then I would let their Dad deal with it.
Not really in the kids best interests though is it?

GahAndTheBear · 27/03/2022 23:04

@Beamur

Then I would let their Dad deal with it. Not really in the kids best interests though is it?
Not much you can do as a stepparent of the parents are letting it happen though.

I think it might be worth talking to your DH about just how much of an effect this is having on you. He needs to figure out a way to make it better for everyone here really - including them. You don’t need to make demands or anything, but let him know how negatively it’s affecting you and see how he responds.

Do you think he’d be open to that? You will probably have to phrase it carefully to make it clear it’s the constant fighting that’s wearing you down and causing you to not look forward to them coming. Obviously you don’t want to feel like that - you want it to be a positive thing like it was before. And you understand it’s one of those phases. But still, it’s making you miserable.

Beamur · 28/03/2022 11:32

I have 2 SC (grown ups now) and really don't understand - unless the kids are quite young and it affects childcare/school arrangements, why children are treated as a single unit rather than individuals. I don't really get the importance of child free time either. I have my own DD too who is here all the time. If I want to go out, I make other arrangements. I do understand why as a step parent you might want a break from your SC's some of the week, but in this case, it sounds as if contact time would actually be a pleasanter experience all round if the kids were staggered.
I'd talk to your DH - the conflict is driving you to checking out from family life.

Longcovid21 · 28/03/2022 11:54

Have one at a time. It's a no brainer.

CornishGem1975 · 28/03/2022 11:56

@AccidentalMindFuck

Dealing with other people’s children is very wearing.
This.
Quitelikeit · 28/03/2022 12:00

Send them to separate rooms when they fight. Remove their devices.

Unfortunately that is kids for you!

‘When the adults change everything changes’

Beamur · 28/03/2022 12:04

My DH always had a zero engagement attitude with 'he did that/she said this' with his oldest two. He refused to arbitrate or suffer any arguing. This was from them being tiny..
They learnt to argue out of sight and hearing of him! On the plus side they get on very well as adults.

theleafandnotthetree · 28/03/2022 12:23

I do 50/50 with my ex-husband also and I agree that it can be quite intense for the children who don't naturally get as much of a break from one another as siblings might in a conventional set up. One option is indeed staggering the shared aspects or at least ensuring that at least once a month, for example, they each have a night with one or other parent without their sibling. In your case though, with another adult present, it should be easier to build in mini breaks throughout their time with you - so for example, child X stays home while Child Y goes to the shop with Dad, with efforts made to ensure that each child gets roughly the same time away with Dad. They are getting to an age of greater independence and in my experience with my two, that should make it a lot easier. My now 15 has, for the last few years, stayed home or done things with his friends while I do something with his sister. And if he wants to watch a movie just with me, I'll let his sister watch a movie on an i-pad in her room as a treat. When your time with them is precious, it can be tempting to want to all do everything together as a parent but that is not natural or in their interests necessarily. So long as they are living a good balanced life overall and spending decent time with both parents, then it should be allowed to ebb and flow a bit more naturally and allow space for each child to do things without their sibling with either parent, step parents, extended family, etc.

SoupDragon · 28/03/2022 12:29

@Longcovid21

Have one at a time. It's a no brainer.
That's not how parenting works.
SoupDragon · 28/03/2022 12:31

It is pretty much standard teen/pre-teen behaviour (although I only had one annoying one who would pick fights with both his siblings).

Separating them isn't the answer though, the behaviour needs to be dealt with which the parents don't seem to be doing effectively.

CornishGem1975 · 28/03/2022 12:31

Why would children get more of a break if they were in a conventional set-up? I have my DC 50/50 but they'd still see each other the same amount of time if I still lived with their DF? I actually think they wouldn't have the luxury or opportunity of being able to spend time away from each other.

I don't think splitting them up is the answer, I think proper parenting and telling them to grow up is what is needed.

muddyford · 28/03/2022 12:35

My mother used to send me and my sibling to the end of the garden if we were arguing and fighting. Let them sort it out.

Washermother33 · 28/03/2022 12:41

It’s standard teen behaviour and is tough enough to deal with sometimes when they are your own kids - so sending sympathy OP …

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/03/2022 12:44

It sounds both normal and horrible.

If their Mum is local could they not come and go one day apart. At their age one of them will get fed up and decide to stay in one place if their parents don't do something.

JennySpanner · 28/03/2022 12:44

This always happens when a new baby comes along, the step children start to be resented and sidelined.

WhoIsCraz · 28/03/2022 12:48

@JennySpanner

This always happens when a new baby comes along, the step children start to be resented and sidelined.
I’m sorry but that’s not true and this is rolled out time and time again to excuse poor parenting and badly behaved step children.
theleafandnotthetree · 28/03/2022 12:50

@CornishGem1975

Why would children get more of a break if they were in a conventional set-up? I have my DC 50/50 but they'd still see each other the same amount of time if I still lived with their DF? I actually think they wouldn't have the luxury or opportunity of being able to spend time away from each other.

I don't think splitting them up is the answer, I think proper parenting and telling them to grow up is what is needed.

If neither parent is another relationship then (especially when younger) you can't split the children up in a natural way as there has to be an adult with them. So, for example, when my son had to go to a match an hours drive away, my daughter HAD to come as well, whereas in a more conventional set up, she could have stayed home with Dad. It's the everyday opportunites for time alone with mum or dad or away from each other I'm talking about, not so much whole nights or weekends. As I said, it has gotten a lot easier as my son has gotten more independent and can be 'left' as such, but when they were younger it did feel a bit intense and the whole thing of being dragged to each others events was a source of annoyance.
theleafandnotthetree · 28/03/2022 12:53

I also think proper parenting, good strategies etc are also needed, but I think things are less likely to fester, boil over etc if siblings are given regular opportunities to do things, to relax etc away from each other.

Bdhntbis · 28/03/2022 13:31

I think this age is really difficult; they’re not small children any more but equally in no way mature.
I would try to ignore the low level arguments and if it becomes heated separate them and have a consequence but don’t engage in the he said she said and say you don’t want to know as one of them needs to walk away if the other is acting up

Harlequin1088 · 28/03/2022 16:36

@JennySpanner

This always happens when a new baby comes along, the step children start to be resented and sidelined.
There’s nothing to say the stepchildren wouldn’t still be behaving like utter toerags if a new baby hadn’t arrived. Baby or not, their behaviour is unacceptable in either parent’s home and needs to be addressed by their parents. My stepsons get short shrift from my partner if they play up and I assume their mother does the same when they’re at her home. A new baby does not excuse or encourage bad behaviour, it’s how you deal with it that matters.