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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Continued - yesterdays thread ‘secret child’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

26 replies

clomariejay · 21/03/2022 18:54

For those that didn’t read the thread yesterday long story short OH had a secret child that he technically didn’t know about as OW told him the baby wasn’t his and she’d done and DNA with someone else… OW came to me when our little boy was around 10 months old and told me, little girl was only 18 months at the time, when he met this OW we wasn’t in a seriously committed relationship as I didn’t want one then… anyway I spoke to OH last night as it’s been around 4 months since we last spoke to OW as OH and her decided they would leave things untill the child was old enough to want to know her dad if she wanted too as OW doesn’t want him involved as her dad, I think about it everyday so I came on here for some advice. Spoke to OH last night about how I was feeling and asked if he would somehow try and see this little girl. He said he wasn’t prepared for all the drama that comes with it to contact the OW and as he is happy to tell her when’s she older that things were complicated and he didn’t know she was his child to start with… iv told him I will be leaving him because I can’t continue with our ‘family’ knowing there’s a child he doesn’t see. Now I’m thinking do I contact OW and arrange for the two baby’s to see each other maybe a few times a year just so they do partly grow up together because I doubt OH is going to arrange anything or try and get contact because he’s just being scared and a coward so they won’t know each other until they are older or do I just leave them alone now and move on with my life with my son and give him that choice when he is old enough too… Thankyou for any advice in advance x

OP posts:

AchillesPoirot · 21/03/2022 18:55

Have you a link to the other thread?

Rodion · 21/03/2022 18:58

The whole situation sounds very stressful. So long as you and ow could have a friendly relationship then your idea is reasonable. If it would be strained then I wouldn't bother as it wouldn't bring anything positive to the children at this point. No rush though as they are tiny. Perhaps let the dust settle before you explore (also giving time to see if your DH takes up the gauntlet, which would be the better way around).

Original poster

clomariejay · 21/03/2022 19:02

@AchillesPoirot

Have you a link to the other thread?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4509474-Secret-child

OP posts:

Original poster

clomariejay · 21/03/2022 19:05

Thankyou for your comment, this all came around last September time, had no contact with them since November/December, if I didn’t have a heart this would be much better 😂 I can’t help thinking I’m letting that little girl down and she’s not even mine 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/03/2022 19:10

Both sides of the family are opposed to this, so before you go a-rushing in, stop! Ask both sides why they think this is a bad idea, and give yourself time to mull over their answers.

I think this is dictating to your DP on a decision about him and his. It would insert OW firmly in the middle of your relationship and you don't know her or her motives.

IF you went forward with this, I'd be inclined to do this with the grandmother only. It is frankly weird for you to have the primary relationship with the girl's mother. Sister Wives, much?

And the partner. Think about it. Do you really want to have even an indirect relationship with such an unsafe character. There are people around you really don't want to piss off, and he and his colleagues fall into that category in my book!

Original poster

clomariejay · 21/03/2022 19:26

That’s very true, I just don’t want a young lady gunning for me when she’s older that I declined her seeing her half sibling but then again it’s not exactly me stopping that, also I wouldn’t want my son to think I stopped him having that relationship but again I guess that’s not me either. Both our family’s reason for not wanting them to have the sibling relationship is purely the fact that dad wont be seeing one but will see the other, and that’s not me either

OP posts:

Original poster

clomariejay · 21/03/2022 19:28

It was OW and grandmother who wanted the sibling relationship so much without dad involved to begin with. By both our families I mean my family and my OH family. I feel like that decision was put on to me way too much though

OP posts:

AchillesPoirot · 21/03/2022 19:29

Is she OW if you and your partner weren’t together properly at the time though?

Original poster

clomariejay · 21/03/2022 19:35

I wasn’t sure what else to call it to be honest that’s all, no we wasn’t serious at the time had known each other a while an dates etc, I said I wasn’t ready yet for the whole committed relationship, I guess because our children our born in the same year is why I have been saying OW but it’s just abit more complicated than just that

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/03/2022 20:09

I just don’t want a young lady gunning for me when she’s older

You think her stepdad is going to teach her to be a crack shot, then?

Original poster

clomariejay · 21/03/2022 20:22

😩😂 well I guess it’s possible given what kind of person he seems like

OP posts:

Suretobe · 22/03/2022 08:35

It’s terribly sad that your OH can’t be arsed with the drama - do you really think your relationship can survive knowing he’s got so little energy for his child?
This is your child’s half-sibling so you can enable contact without involving your other half if you want to. In your situation I’d be open to that but proceed very tentatively by first getting to know mum/grandparents a bit.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with such a messy situation. To protect you for the future I’d recommend engineering a paper trail that your child may eventually see that shows you were open and you tried - either with DP or the other family.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2022 08:50

In all honesty no I wouldn't instigate this OP, her partner would be a big part of why.

How did your partner react to you saying you were going to leave him over this?

Original poster

clomariejay · 22/03/2022 09:12

@aSofaNearYou

In all honesty no I wouldn't instigate this OP, her partner would be a big part of why.

How did your partner react to you saying you were going to leave him over this?

Yeah I have thought about this too… I think I’ll more than likely be staying out of it now and moving forward because I really didn’t cause this and I feel like I’m the only one who was trying to fix it, and she’s not even my child! If her parents arnt bothered and don’t want to sort anything out I’m now thinking why should i! And he said I was being stupid and why have I waited months to say this and i said because it was a massive shock that has took a while to sink in which is the truth I did need time to decide what I was even feeling, he said he thought there was no point ending things as this is what OW wanted all along 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/03/2022 09:36

You are not the one who has been stupid! He showed very poor judgement/impulse control in failing to use contraceptives with a girl he barely knew.

I do think you could be opening up a whole Pandora's box of consequences, given the nature of her partner. I hope it fizzles out with him, but he is hardly in a position to drop her and go off with someone else....

If you want to help, get dp to build up a 'running away' fund for her when she is older.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2022 09:54

I did think it would be interesting to see whether he would fight for you (from his perspective the relationship and family he wanted) so his response is quite telling.

I would draw a line under the whole situation, yes. Don't let it take over your life.

Original poster

clomariejay · 22/03/2022 10:06

Thankyou both for all your advice!
I have told him to set something up for her for when she’s older I think he will do that.
But correct i think he knew it was time to back down and allow me to leave the situation as it has been hard being unable to sleep/eat/ be a mum properly over it, so the least he could do is let me do what I need to do! But yeah you would of thought he would try and see this child but there is the drama that comes with it/ her partner/ the fact he didn’t want to be the child’s father/ told he wasn’t the father to suddenly he is. I can imagine he’s wanted to run from it, so maybe me leaving as the last person bothering him to see her, is the best thing for him given the decision he’s made to not see her so yeah definitely moving on from this!

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 23/03/2022 20:16

I couldn't stay in the relationship with this situation hanging over tbh. You didn't create it, but you're part of it.

SandyY2K · 23/03/2022 20:23

Putting money aside for her, will never make up for his absence. He's taking the path of least resistance, just like he did when she said the baby wasn't his AFTER he knew she was pregnant and find her he didn't want a baby with her.

If his daughter comes to him at 18 and asks why he wasn't in her life... why he didn't try to see her, does he think saying he couldn't be bothered with the drama is good enough?

You can't make up for lost time... this talk of when she's older she can find him if she wants....just minimises and downplays the importance of a parental relationship..in much the same way as the poor child was conceived.

I'm sorry you're part of this nightmare.

fallfallfall · 23/03/2022 20:43

My granddaughter is IUI conceived. And the parents and children have a fb page set up and exchange cards, photos and small gifts. This donor was prolific and there are about 12 in the group. Not sure if you’d like that low level of contact.

MushMonster · 23/03/2022 20:57

I have not read your other threat, sorry. But, are you all sure your OH is the father? Because you say he was told he was not, and now things appear different.
It is a lot of drama and I totally agree with your sentiment. I cannot respect anyone that leaves a child behind, for whatever reason. I would expect him to fight for a test, and fight to see her.

Original poster

clomariejay · 23/03/2022 21:00

Thankyou for your comment, I couldn’t say it better myself, I can’t force him and if I’m honest I think I care more about the little lady myself than he does and she’s not even mine. I think because as women were allowed to choose (if we havnt protected ourselves from pregnancy) to have an abortion, where as men do not have that option and the only way to save them self from that situation is to use a condom!!! But they don’t. So I’m putting 2 and 2, he didn’t want the child to begin with there was obviously no way out so when she the baby was someone else’s he was happy with that and I don’t think his feelings have changed much about it regardless of what he says because the actions are not showing it! But thanks I wish I wasn’t in this situation myself

OP posts:

Original poster

clomariejay · 23/03/2022 21:02

@MushMonster

I have not read your other threat, sorry. But, are you all sure your OH is the father? Because you say he was told he was not, and now things appear different. It is a lot of drama and I totally agree with your sentiment. I cannot respect anyone that leaves a child behind, for whatever reason. I would expect him to fight for a test, and fight to see her.

Hello, you sound like me wishfully thinking the same thing! But we did a sibling dna with my little boy and the little girl and they were confirmed biological half siblings via one parent. She’s definitely his…

OP posts:

Zero123 · 26/03/2022 16:04

Hi. I was brought up in this situation. It's a nightmare. My dad had a daughter with a woman he wasn't exclusive with. She lied about the paternity then he didn't believe her. In the meantime my mum fell pregnant with me and they decided to make a go of it. I didn't find out untill I was 14. The girl went to my school and refused to speak to me. I was confused why he raised me and she felt abandoned. I also lost alot of trust in my mum not telling me until then.

I would advise you keep the kids in distant touch. maybe once every 3 months etc. Let the kids decide when they are older what sort of relationship they want. But they need a basis of a relationship to do that.

FancyACuppaThen · 05/04/2022 23:44

Do you not worry about OH contacting the girls mother again and being a part of her life or still have some attraction etc to her or no

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