Page 2 | Step son help

curiousmum3 · 2022-03-18T15:25:30+00:00

I feel bad writing this to be honest, but here it is. I'll make it as short as possible and just get to the point. Been with husband to be for 7 years. His son is 9 ... sons mother and my husband were single when I met him and she had a boyfriend. She's on and off with boyfriends, hubby says she does suffer with bipolar etc theyd know each other a few month and she was pregnant after saying she was on the pill, but nevertheless, these things happen, he NEVER says horrible things about her and tbh I don't either, our life is separate to hers and we only communicate for step son. From him being 3 years old his came out with the word bitch etc .. his mothers always been saying things to him. 9 years old now and I know it's not his fault, but even him, and his personality I don't really enjoy being around him, he's horrible to put it bluntly, doesn't speak, completely ignores me, doesn't answer or mumbles an answer even if I'm just asking him something simple, it could be if he fancies a game on the Xbox, go for a walk etc, he likes to answer back, if I ask him is something up he's argumentative, I've got nephews the same age and they have their moments but they also have a laugh, they have friends etc This boy is nothing like my partner, he's 9 but won't join in at the park, kids play areas, he just sits on his phone ... so I'm part of a kids life that I don't like how he acts, if I say anything I'm told not to or his mum will kick off. Now this is the reason I'm on here - I'd like to ask if anyone thinks its right that my SS goes back home to his mother and tells her things about me, it could be anything, even if me and my partner have bickered about something SO MINOR... and soon as he's home we get a text. It pisses me off I think who do you think you are? Going home saying things to cause trouble, I honestly can't stand it I don't know how to make him stop? It's not normal

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/03/2022 19:59

Let's try shall we.

"My husband shouts at me every single day and says I am not fit to be a parent. I am a slag, a woman like me shouldn't be near children. If I decline his calls, he rings me from other numbers. If I block the numbers, he uses new ones. He messages me from various phone, email accounts and my children's Facebook accounts. If I block them, more appear. He comes home and shouts at me on the door step in front of our neighbours. He swears at me and calls me names. If I politely ask him to stop, he carries on. If I ignore him, he gets our child to repeat the things he says to me. He tells my parents to tell me it too."

Would you give the same advice? No. You wouldn't. Because when it's a man it's fucking terrifying. But when it's a woman it's "noise".

Disgusting.

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/03/2022 20:04

Gerrroff, big hug

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/03/2022 20:08

Thank you @SpaceshiptoMars

aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2022 20:22

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Let's try shall we.

"My husband shouts at me every single day and says I am not fit to be a parent. I am a slag, a woman like me shouldn't be near children. If I decline his calls, he rings me from other numbers. If I block the numbers, he uses new ones. He messages me from various phone, email accounts and my children's Facebook accounts. If I block them, more appear. He comes home and shouts at me on the door step in front of our neighbours. He swears at me and calls me names. If I politely ask him to stop, he carries on. If I ignore him, he gets our child to repeat the things he says to me. He tells my parents to tell me it too."

Would you give the same advice? No. You wouldn't. Because when it's a man it's fucking terrifying. But when it's a woman it's "noise".

Disgusting.

Tbf Tattler WOULD say she is not a victim because she is choosing to stay, only children can be victims because they don't get a choice...

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/03/2022 20:27

Well that is a view I will never agree with, and is wholly unfair on any victim of abuse.

aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2022 20:30

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Well that is a view I will never agree with, and is wholly unfair on any victim of abuse.

Yes, I completely agree with you!

Tattler2 · 20/03/2022 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/03/2022 21:18

Children have no control.

Not entirely true. Unfortunately, I had to be an adult very young. My 3yr old self dispatched a would-be abuser by raising hell (I could scream for England). For various reasons, I wouldn't be able to do that these days.

ldontWanna · 20/03/2022 21:44

I was more so asking for advice on how to handle him when whenever I say anything I get a load of abuse from his bipolar, aggressive, foul mouthed mother who is a world away from how I was raised

In the nicest possible way you need to get over yourself. If you feel like that as an adult that has no contact face to face with this woman, imagine how that poor kid feels living with her. Some of the examples you give are abuse. Why isn't your husband fighting for more custody or full custody? Is he reporting these incidents to the child's school,SS, NSPC? Is he asking any advice?
She's a chaotic,toxic,abusive mother. He's a neglectful father for letting his son live like that.

You can't fix years of trauma,abuse and conditioning by being nice EOW. That kid is a victim and has no control on what she does.

So yes, you need to get over it, don't react, block any weird numbers or messages or whatever and let it wash over you. And if you really want to help that boy, get his father to fight for him.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/03/2022 22:27

@Tattler2 wow, just wow. I have reported your frankly vile comment. I feel sorry for your friends and family if that's what you call support. It's disgusting, like really, disgusting. You're essentially an abuse apologist.

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/03/2022 22:38

@ldontWanna

So, just because you think the child has it worse, the OP is not allowed to seek any support for herself? She just has to 'get over it'?

Not 'in the nicest possible way', no.

Original poster

curiousmum3 · 23/03/2022 13:44

@ldontWanna

I was more so asking for advice on how to handle him when whenever I say anything I get a load of abuse from his bipolar, aggressive, foul mouthed mother who is a world away from how I was raised

In the nicest possible way you need to get over yourself. If you feel like that as an adult that has no contact face to face with this woman, imagine how that poor kid feels living with her. Some of the examples you give are abuse. Why isn't your husband fighting for more custody or full custody? Is he reporting these incidents to the child's school,SS, NSPC? Is he asking any advice?
She's a chaotic,toxic,abusive mother. He's a neglectful father for letting his son live like that.

You can't fix years of trauma,abuse and conditioning by being nice EOW. That kid is a victim and has no control on what she does.

So yes, you need to get over it, don't react, block any weird numbers or messages or whatever and let it wash over you. And if you really want to help that boy, get his father to fight for him.

Yes he went to social services and she was was so angry that she wouldn't let him come over for 3 month. My partner was beside himself. Had to see a doctor as he was that worried about his son. Been the court and got granted more custody and she breaches it constantly.

We are just let down by the system constantly. It's a slap on the wrist for her and weekend go by where we havnt see his son... there's a lot more to it. My partner is the greatest dad I have two boys with him and he's brilliant. Present, caring, thoughtful, spends on them, takes them to church, he's brilliant.

OP posts:

ldontWanna · 23/03/2022 15:53

@curiousmum3 it sucks,it well and truly sucks. I know. But look at your kids and imagine they were living with her. Would you let it rest?

He needs to keep fighting even if it's unimaginably hard and scary. Because it's a lot more scary for that kid. Keep notes,dates,messages,a diary with everything he has as proof. Go back to court every time she breaches the order. Go back to SS. He has to keep going otherwise his kid will be permanently damaged . It's not your fight or your responsibility,I'm not blaming you here. But if he gives up and just goes along with it, any damage in that child's life won't be just because of his mum,or the system, it will be on him too.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 23/03/2022 16:06

I would put money on it being her hen pecking his head as soon as he is back wanting to know every last detail of what goes on in your house. That will be why he's so miserable with you, he's not allowed to like you and he knows as soon as he's back with his Mum she will go on and on at him.

I have been through exactly this.

Original poster

curiousmum3 · 23/03/2022 16:58

[quote ldontWanna]@curiousmum3 it sucks,it well and truly sucks. I know. But look at your kids and imagine they were living with her. Would you let it rest?

He needs to keep fighting even if it's unimaginably hard and scary. Because it's a lot more scary for that kid. Keep notes,dates,messages,a diary with everything he has as proof. Go back to court every time she breaches the order. Go back to SS. He has to keep going otherwise his kid will be permanently damaged . It's not your fight or your responsibility,I'm not blaming you here. But if he gives up and just goes along with it, any damage in that child's life won't be just because of his mum,or the system, it will be on him too.[/quote]
Trust me he would never give up! But thank you for your advice

OP posts:

Original poster

curiousmum3 · 23/03/2022 16:59

@ZeroFuchsGiven

I would put money on it being her hen pecking his head as soon as he is back wanting to know every last detail of what goes on in your house. That will be why he's so miserable with you, he's not allowed to like you and he knows as soon as he's back with his Mum she will go on and on at him.

I have been through exactly this.

It's crazy, I couldn't do that to my son! Very difficult situation to understand isn't it x

OP posts: