Step son help

[curiousmum3]

I feel bad writing this to be honest, but here it is. I'll make it as short as possible and just get to the point.
Been with husband to be for 7 years. His son is 9 ... sons mother and my husband were single when I met him and she had a boyfriend. She's on and off with boyfriends, hubby says she does suffer with bipolar etc theyd know each other a few month and she was pregnant after saying she was on the pill, but nevertheless, these things happen, he NEVER says horrible things about her and tbh I don't either, our life is separate to hers and we only communicate for step son.

From him being 3 years old his came out with the word bitch etc .. his mothers always been saying things to him. 9 years old now and I know it's not his fault, but even him, and his personality I don't really enjoy being around him, he's horrible to put it bluntly, doesn't speak, completely ignores me, doesn't answer or mumbles an answer even if I'm just asking him something simple, it could be if he fancies a game on the Xbox, go for a walk etc, he likes to answer back, if I ask him is something up he's argumentative, I've got nephews the same age and they have their moments but they also have a laugh, they have friends etc
This boy is nothing like my partner, he's 9 but won't join in at the park, kids play areas, he just sits on his phone ... so I'm part of a kids life that I don't like how he acts, if I say anything I'm told not to or his mum will kick off.
Now this is the reason I'm on here - I'd like to ask if anyone thinks its right that my SS goes back home to his mother and tells her things about me, it could be anything, even if me and my partner have bickered about something SO MINOR... and soon as he's home we get a text. It pisses me off I think who do you think you are? Going home saying things to cause trouble,
I honestly can't stand it I don't know how to make him stop? It's not normal

I wouldn't like everything being repeated back to my dps ex but it's not the boy's fault. He's only 9 and probably not in a position to tell his mum to mind his own business.

The texts from her are inappropriate. Can you block her number and get her to contact dp only? If the texts get extreme then you could get a phone number solely for contacting your dp about parenting and block her on everything else.

Is this really how you want to live your life? With all this bullshit and drama? There is no way on this earth I would live like this. Life is too short.

@Aquamarine1029

Is this really how you want to live your life? With all this bullshit and drama? There is no way on this earth I would live like this. Life is too short.

Literally can't bare it... thing is we are happy together, have two kids of our own, have just bought an amazing house... it's this one day a week that I cannot stand because the whole dynamic is turned upside down

@KylieKoKo

I wouldn't like everything being repeated back to my dps ex but it's not the boy's fault. He's only 9 and probably not in a position to tell his mum to mind his own business.

The texts from her are inappropriate. Can you block her number and get her to contact dp only? If the texts get extreme then you could get a phone number solely for contacting your dp about parenting and block her on everything else.

You're right it's not his fault but what do I do, tell him off for it and make matters worse ? It's so difficult

Poor poor poor kid

@curiousmum3 I would just ignore it and block her number. You can't control what his mum does but you can disengage. She'll get bored if she doesn't get a reaction.

It sounds like the son has a loyalty bind.

My now 16 YO SD who I have known for almost 8 years would ignore me, not speak to me and was generally unpleasant to be around. She did this to please her very high conflict mother and please her.

The mum won’t let the kids call their dad ‘dad’. They are only allowed to call their dad ‘him’ and me ‘her’. When the kids went home they were subjected to a ‘Guantanamo Bay’ interrogation about everything that went on at our house. In fact she even loaded tracing devices in their phones and it would be reported back to us that she wasn’t happy about something. In our case the mother coaxed the (then 15 YO) to take photos of our personal paperwork & break into her dads phone to screenshot personal WhatsApp messages between her dad abs me. She turned up screaming abuse one day on our doorstep reading the messages out and had to be removed by the police.

These women haven’t emotionally detached and are using the children as a form of control. The child is being influenced by the mother, he’s telling her things and behaving badly to please her. My advice would be to ignore her. These people want a reaction. Don’t light her fire. Ignore her and block her. You can’t control her crazy behaviour - leave her to it. When she doesn’t get a reaction she will (hopefully) go away.

I can very much relate to this. DSS said "insert massive exaggeration of minor event" text the day he goes home. However I would guess shes probably grilling him and actually this is one occasion where I encourage DSS not to keep secrets between his homes ( in our case we fear domestic abuse in mums so want communication to always be open).
I'm guessing you already do this but just make sure he doesnt see anything you dont want reported back ( if me and DP have a disagreement when DSS is here we make sure were out of earshot.
Hope it gets easier

OP, kids that age typically rattle on about the things that happen in their day. If you do or say something that he remembers or if you and his dad bicker, he likely tells his mom as a way of cataloging the things that happened in his day. He is probably not telling on you as much as describing what happened during his day.

You don't get to control or censor the conversations that he had with his mom. What kind of things are you saying such that it causes trouble?

His mom has no control over what happens in your home and go be honest, there really is no reason why she should be texting you at all. You should tell your partner that you do not wish to know or be privy to any communications between your partner and his ex. Whatever concerns that they have should be resolved between the 2 of them.

Step back and leave all of the parenting to your partner. Obviously, you do not like the child, and it seems as though he may not be overly fond of you. Disengage and let your partner have full charge of caring for his son. You lose nothing by stepping back, and you may find that less involvement with the son may lessen the friction with the mom.

Ignore the ex. Ignore the texts. If she has your number then block her. If she is texting DH then ask him not to pass the info on. I doubt your SS is sharing deliberately. He may even be getting grilled by his mother when he returns.

DH also needs to ensure that his son does not ignore you. This is unacceptable and will only get worse in the years to come if it’s not tackled now. DSS doesn’t get the option of ignoring adults at the age of 9. Your DH needs to support and parent him to be a balanced, polite, engaged child and a well-rounded adult.

@Tattler2

OP, kids that age typically rattle on about the things that happen in their day. If you do or say something that he remembers or if you and his dad bicker, he likely tells his mom as a way of cataloging the things that happened in his day. He is probably not telling on you as much as describing what happened during his day.

You don't get to control or censor the conversations that he had with his mom. What kind of things are you saying such that it causes trouble?

His mom has no control over what happens in your home and go be honest, there really is no reason why she should be texting you at all. You should tell your partner that you do not wish to know or be privy to any communications between your partner and his ex. Whatever concerns that they have should be resolved between the 2 of them.

Step back and leave all of the parenting to your partner. Obviously, you do not like the child, and it seems as though he may not be overly fond of you. Disengage and let your partner have full charge of caring for his son. You lose nothing by stepping back, and you may find that less involvement with the son may lessen the friction with the mom.

Example I bought myself a new pair of trainers (SS was there they were £150 and her son went home and told her the cost of my trainers) ... she text demanding more money out of my partner and then went through CSA to get more money ... (he's never ever and would never miss a payment for his son) we're so glad she has went through csa as now she can stop threatening it, it also turns out the CSA payments give her an extra £6 a month ..

It was his attitude though when I bought them, saying his mam might find out etc... ok you're 9 like why you thinking so weirdly.

Oh and by the way, this is a woman who isn't hard up for money her dad has bought her house and she and her boyfriend work full time while she claims to be living alone!? Insane how easily people can just get away with benefit fraud.

It's always about money... the jealousy over me buying this big brand new house is unreal... we were in a flat before this and she would call me a tramp etc ... she is absolutely enraged
I get she might be bitter but it's been years now.

I do ignore her also, I've never spoken to her she's only went through my partner... I'm just actually coming on here for advice rather than react to her....

The advice so far just a reminder to take the high road is pretty good. Thank you all it's a situation that is fine for a while but can get you down once in a while

Look up the NACHO method of parenting - not my kid, not my problem (some of the pod casts are very insightful).

It has helped me immensely deal with my OH’s batshit crazy EW and what she does to the kids to get back at my OH (and the resulting poor behaviour from my SD).

In his case they have been divorced over 10 years now and it doesn’t get any better. This might give you a few tools to help deal with her and the resulting kids behaviour.

The advice above on your DH dealing with his son & ensuring that his son does not ignore you is spot on. My SD would ignore me, wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t speak to me. It got to the point that I couldn’t be alone with her as she made me feel uncomfortable. Time after time my OH would sit her down and ask her way and tell her it wasn’t acceptable. Her mum had told her not to be ‘nice’ to me and it upset her (the mum). It is unacceptable behaviour and (in my case) it did get worse in the years to come. My SD is a pretty unpleasant person to be around, she has turned into a bad mannered, unengaged child who TBH you don’t want to be around.

Good luck.

There's nothing you can do about the mother's behaviour so I'd detach from that.

What is his father doing to mitigate rudeness and being argumentative when he's at yours?

OP, tell your partner to stop sharing information from the ex with you. There is nothing that yoh can do to control what she says to him. But he absolutely does not need to share it with you.

The 9 year old may be sharing information about you with his mom, but you in turn seem to know an awful lot about her. The entire situation seems to represent an over abundance of interest in issues that should be of no concern in either household.

She does not need to know what you pay for your trainers. You do not need to know about what information that she shares or hides from social services or her boy friends employment status.

Things would probably be significantly better if both you and the ex were far less informed about the happenings in each others household.

You can tell the son that you do not want him to share the day to day happenings in your household, and you should tell whomever is sharing information about your partner'ex that you have no Interest in what is happening in the ex's household. Neither your life nor the life of the ex is in any way improved or enhanced because of this information.

Neither your life nor the life of the ex is in any way improved or enhanced because of this information.

Have you considered that she may be scared that you could rat on her to the DWP? So is attacking you to make you scared of doing that?

@MattDamon

There's nothing you can do about the mother's behaviour so I'd detach from that.

What is his father doing to mitigate rudeness and being argumentative when he's at yours?

Not much he's saying thing to me when his dad leaves the room ... few examples when his dad gets up to go to the kitchen or use the bathroom etc "watch how late I stay up tonight, you'll see!" Quietly under his breath... Then dances his eye brows and does and immature dance when his dads coming back in... to make it look like he's having fun..

If my son has say taken the Xbox control, my step son sits and stares at the wall as if to be in a huff for massive amounts of attention, I find his behaviour really weird... I know he's a kid but he seems to sit and carefully think things through first.

This is what I mean it's so sly and calculated.. then goes home and says stuff to his mum.. he's very difficult to work out ... I don't know what he thinks this achieves as he gets upset when his mum is going crazy about things like how much money I've spent on myself..

@Movingonup22

Poor poor poor kid

Not so poor kid still getting 100% care and niceness from me... and his dad, he's spoiled in the nicest way possible.. ... I do tell him I love him, hug him etc...

This is a space to be honest, and being totally honest he's absolutely rude and foul mouthed even, so jealous as well, if his class mates say something like they got some pocket money, he will say things like he gets more and he has more expensive stuff than them, I've seen him leave other kids feeling a bit rubbish when he's repeatedly told them the price of an item, I've caught him lying on occasions that I can't count on both hands coz it's that many
I've got kids, I've got nieces and nephews, my friends have kids, I know how kids are....

I was more so asking for advice on how to handle him when whenever I say anything I get a load of abuse from his bipolar, aggressive, foul mouthed mother who is a world away from how I was raised and it's not about money, it's about respect and being good to people, being nice and doing things for peace

She's 9 years older than me. I'm mid twenty's always praying for peace for the sake of an older woman's son.

@NorthernSpirit

Look up the NACHO method of parenting - not my kid, not my problem (some of the pod casts are very insightful).

It has helped me immensely deal with my OH’s batshit crazy EW and what she does to the kids to get back at my OH (and the resulting poor behaviour from my SD).

In his case they have been divorced over 10 years now and it doesn’t get any better. This might give you a few tools to help deal with her and the resulting kids behaviour.

The advice above on your DH dealing with his son & ensuring that his son does not ignore you is spot on. My SD would ignore me, wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t speak to me. It got to the point that I couldn’t be alone with her as she made me feel uncomfortable. Time after time my OH would sit her down and ask her way and tell her it wasn’t acceptable. Her mum had told her not to be ‘nice’ to me and it upset her (the mum). It is unacceptable behaviour and (in my case) it did get worse in the years to come. My SD is a pretty unpleasant person to be around, she has turned into a bad mannered, unengaged child who TBH you don’t want to be around.

Good luck.

Thank you I will look that up, sounds a similar situation sometimes all you need is an anonymous rant haha!

OP, the advice that you got was to not speak to the mom.and to not let your partner tell you what she says about you. That should be easy enough for you to do.

If you do not do pick ups or drop offs, you need never see her, and with every device having caller identification, you need never speak to her or read any texts from her.

@Tattler2

OP, the advice that you got was to not speak to the mom.and to not let your partner tell you what she says about you. That should be easy enough for you to do.

If you do not do pick ups or drop offs, you need never see her, and with every device having caller identification, you need never speak to her or read any texts from her.

Hahahaha. I wish it was that simple. I had the same thing and she just found ways to contact me. Different phone numbers, through her child's Facebook page, telling dss to tell me things, telling dps parents to tell us things. I never wanted any kind of contact from her but people like this find a way.

Op I would try and disengage as much as possible. Laugh it off. Don't give the child or his mum a reaction. You've got to remember he's learnt this from her behaviour. Let your dp deal with it all. If he doesn't, then it becomes your problem with him.

I have put up with a woman like this for years and like you it was mostly money related but she hated me for "living her life" which was laughable because I actually got off my arse and worked for most of my adult life, which is what enables us to have the life we do now.

You cant argue with stupid unfortunately!

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
It is as simple as letting your extended family and friends that you do not want an .messages or information about or from the ex. If you choose to read her social media rantings that is on you. If you answer a call and she is on the other end, you simply hang up.
It is annoying to have to take those steps, but it is not a complicated process.

[quote Tattler2]@Getyourarseofffthequattro
It is as simple as letting your extended family and friends that you do not want an .messages or information about or from the ex. If you choose to read her social media rantings that is on you. If you answer a call and she is on the other end, you simply hang up.
It is annoying to have to take those steps, but it is not a complicated process.[/quote]
To be honest it is not that simple. Maybe from an outsider. It's fake accounts that send me messages (I have never even fallen out with any of my friends to be honest so it's no one but her obviously)

As a woman and mother who actually really cares about this child (yes I'm being honest here and talking about his horrible attitude) I still have a duty of care towards him and feel so sad for him that he's her son, getting grilled when he goes home, loads more things specially the way she swears infront of him it's awful... he came over crying when she spat in his face when he was naughty when he was about 7 year old... pretty disgusting behaviour ... but clearly I care about a child who's horrible traits right now are just not his fault.
I DO ignore her, I don't retaliate or contact her neither does my partner ...the post was mainly about how to help a boy who's in my life till the day I die, and who is my two young sons brother and he's completely different and mentally messed up because of her... but also how to make sure he's not saying things when he goes home - I guess I can't stop that at all ...

[quote Tattler2]@Getyourarseofffthequattro
It is as simple as letting your extended family and friends that you do not want an .messages or information about or from the ex. If you choose to read her social media rantings that is on you. If you answer a call and she is on the other end, you simply hang up.
It is annoying to have to take those steps, but it is not a complicated process.[/quote]
Ah yes, because everyone takes you at your word. Do you seriously think I didn't tell them all that?!

And yes, weirdly I did open messages from dss because quite obviously I thought it was him of course when I opened it and realised it was her I simply ignored.

To be honest your "it's so simple" victim blaming shitty posts help nobody. They're actually borderline offensive, as if everyone is thick but you, and you're some fountain of all knowledge that us plebs just don't get.

You're just fortunate not to have had to have dealt with a abusive morons.

OP, it is not victim blaming to say be proactive in taking control of your life and the activities in which you engage.

I have had my share of what you might call " morons" to deal with, but I have never thought of myself as a victim in those situations I was never a victim and their verbal nonsense was just so much pointless noise. If you perceive yourself as a victim, then you cede control in situations where your response and reactions should be well within your control.

@Tattler2

OP, it is not victim blaming to say be proactive in taking control of your life and the activities in which you engage.

I have had my share of what you might call " morons" to deal with, but I have never thought of myself as a victim in those situations I was never a victim and their verbal nonsense was just so much pointless noise. If you perceive yourself as a victim, then you cede control in situations where your response and reactions should be well within your control.

I am not the OP, and I was absolutely a victim of verbal and psychological abuse, and I don't see why that should be minimised to be honest. Why shouldn't these women be held accountable?

Would you say any of that to a woman being verbally and psychologically abused by a man? No. You wouldn't. Why are we letting women get away with it and reducing it to "noise"? It's abuse.