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Step-parenting

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Original poster

"secret" insurance policy

31 replies

Pilot11 · 10/03/2022 18:09

AIBU?

Our house isn't worth a great deal and is likely to be the only asset we really have to leave.

I have 1 DC, my husband has 3 (one with me and two from previous relationship).

The house is in joint tenants so goes to the remaining spouse if one of us should die which is fine by me. We also have life insurance which pays out to the remaining spouse and would be sufficient to cover things like the mortgage, child related costs etc...

I have decided to take out an individual life insurance policy in trust to be paid out to our 1 DC if something were to happen to me.

I've not told DH about it and I've not put him down as one of the trustees either. Admittedly partly because I don't want to have the conversation with him of ensuring it only goes to our DC.

I think he'd be hurt (he's very hyper aware of his elder DC and them being included in everything and this can sometimes spill over into what I feel is unreasonable expectations of me to treat them like my own) and frankly I don't 100% trust that he'd do as I wished and just give it to our one DC.

It's not hidden in that if he sees paperwork or whatnot I don't care, I've just not expressly told him about it to avoid the awkward conversation!

OP posts:
Bdhntbis · 10/03/2022 18:21

It’s difficult that you can’t tell him but I do understand why you’d want to do it. We’ve said that my half of the house would go to our two DC whereas his would be split between our DC and his DSD. I think it’s pretty reasonable to be honest.

Bdhntbis · 10/03/2022 18:22

My only thoughts are though that someone needs to be aware as otherwise how they would anyone or your DC once adults know to claim on it?

Original poster
Pilot11 · 10/03/2022 18:23

@Bdhntbis

It’s difficult that you can’t tell him but I do understand why you’d want to do it. We’ve said that my half of the house would go to our two DC whereas his would be split between our DC and his DSD. I think it’s pretty reasonable to be honest.
I'd do this but our house is just in joint tenants which I prefer because I want DH to be able to have the house and vice versa. But I still want to leave something to our DC too so this seemed like the best way.
OP posts:
Original poster
Pilot11 · 10/03/2022 18:23

@Bdhntbis

My only thoughts are though that someone needs to be aware as otherwise how they would anyone or your DC once adults know to claim on it?
My parents and sibling are the trustees.
OP posts:
Nomoreusernames1244 · 10/03/2022 18:29

I'd do this but our house is just in joint tenants which I prefer because I want DH to be able to have the house and vice versa. But I still want to leave something to our DC too so this seemed like the best way

You can still do this - you can give your dh life interest, so he can live in the house until he sells/dies, then your half will revert to your Dc, his half will go to whoever he chooses.

Bear in mind if something did happen to you, and he remarried, the house could well go to his new wife and none of the kids would get anything.

I would approach it as his kids will inherit from their mum, their dad, and you, as it stands. Where your child will only inherit 1/3 of you and dh. If something happened to both of you, then stepdc still have their mum, your dc will need financial help on their own.

A life insurance policy is also a good idea though.

Original poster
Pilot11 · 10/03/2022 18:32

I would approach it as his kids will inherit from their mum, their dad, and you, as it stands. Where your child will only inherit 1/3 of you and dh. If something happened to both of you, then stepdc still have their mum, your dc will need financial help on their own.

He's just very simplistic when it comes to this subject. I honestly believe he'd be annoyed / upset by it. He can be a bit funny about things to do with the eldest kids. I just want to avoid the conversation if possible!

And the fact that even if I did speak to him, I'd still always have it in the back of my head that he still wouldn't do what I'd asked if the time came if that makes sense?

It's a good point about the passing the house on to any new spouse though thanks.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 10/03/2022 18:41

Well as you will be dead you won't have to deal with his sulking!!
Win win!
Bugs me senseless the amount of usually df's who want their dc to benefit from 3 parents to suit. You can't comment on the parenting /lack of but you should leave them your money!

RandomMess · 10/03/2022 18:51

Now my DC are approaching adulthood I am seriously considering changing my will so my 50% goes to the DC just to protect their inheritance in case DH remarried.

Seen it happen too often when friends Dads remarry and their Dad just disappears and it's all about StepMums DC and DGC in terms of time, love and money Sad

alwayswrighty · 10/03/2022 18:56

@RandomMess it's actually sensible for inheritance tax purposes too

superking · 10/03/2022 19:01

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think you're wrong not to tell him. You're effectively passing the difficult conversation on to your parents and sibling if you die, at a time when they, your husband, and your DC will not be in a good place to discuss things rationally. It could cause a real problem in their relationship which will not be good for your DC, and your DH will probably feel rather betrayed on top of his grief.

Sassbott · 10/03/2022 19:10

I see why you’ve done this. My only question is to ask how this works out longer term?

If you kick the bucket (sorry but we’re having that convo), and let’s assume your life insurance pays out to your DC direct (of over 18 or 25 if set up as trust).

Your husband will find out. The way your estate is set up it’s very easy for him to then effectively try and balance the scales and effectively leave your house to just the older children, disinheriting the joint DC to ‘even’ it up.

What are the differences in the sums? If he did that are you looking at equal amounts for his children and your joint child? Equally how close is your DC to their elder half siblings? Could this cause an issue between them if this happens?

I dunno, I wouldn’t do what you’ve done. Bluntly I’d be upfront with my OH about it. I’d also be clear that I expected my half of the house to be left to my DC and his to be split three ways. The more open you are about this convos, the less mess it leaves to clear up after.

The way you’ve done this? It’ll cause issues. It’s how much you care about that. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Sassbott · 10/03/2022 19:12

It’s not fair essentially. You’re swerving the difficult convo now because that’s easier and leaving it for others to clean up after you, when they’re also grieving your loss. That’s not very kind and is sort of quite selfish tbh.

Chloemol · 10/03/2022 19:18

He needs to understand that his two older DC have a mother and will inherit from her as well as him

Your joint child has you as a mother and him as the father and therefore anything to them comes from you both. Why don’t you become tenants in common and leave your share of the house to your child, with your husband the right to live there and maintain the property. He then leaves his half to all three of his children

Much fairer I would think as his kids are likely to inherit from their mother

Graphista · 10/03/2022 19:26

Doing it that way means your dd may then be dealing with him putting pressure on her about it after your death. Is that fair? Is that something she'd be able to resist?

My parents and sibling are the trustees

Are they assertive types that will stand up for dd?

lunar1 · 10/03/2022 19:47

I would just tell him you are doing it, and would suggest that he does the same for his 3 dc. If you inherited everything there is nothing to force you to pass on his share between all his children. He needs to think rationally. Him having an insurance policy would also prevent a claim being made on the estate for his eldest children.

Original poster
Pilot11 · 10/03/2022 20:04

I think you're right that it's potentially leaving people in an awkward position when I'm gone which isn't fair. I'll tell him!

Thanks

OP posts:
CowsAreNotGreen · 11/03/2022 05:59

What you have done is absolutely fair and removes your DH from having to be involved in one of his kids getting money and the others not so he won't have to get involved with that. This should be a really straightforward conversation, my DH wouldn't bat an eyelid. As long as they money from the policy is coming from money you've earned and he's not paying for it.

Does he expect you to be a kind of 2nd mother to his kids? It sounds like a very sore point to him

Maybe83 · 11/03/2022 06:48

I think both of you should have policies to leave to your respective children and the then the house too each other. If your dh died first and you inherit his half of the house is it your intention that when you die his half then gets split amongst his 3 children or will you leave the house to your child only?

It isnt wrong you ve opted to do it but it is a sign there is something wrong in your relationship that you haven't discussed it with your dh.

We have seperate cash policies that will pay out to the kids on our deaths. I feel better knowing they will have something seperate to the house.

Soontobe60 · 11/03/2022 06:57

Why don’t you tell him but also suggest he set up a similar policy for his dc? After all, they’re more likely to lose out if he dies first and the house comes to you, as you could then remarry, die and your new dh get the house!

autienotnaughty · 11/03/2022 07:10

@RandomMess

Now my DC are approaching adulthood I am seriously considering changing my will so my 50% goes to the DC just to protect their inheritance in case DH remarried.

Seen it happen too often when friends Dads remarry and their Dad just disappears and it's all about StepMums DC and DGC in terms of time, love and money Sad

My dm left me, dsis and 3 grandkids her half of their money when she died. Df is unlikely to remarry but he has talked about changing will and splitting it between just me and dsis and leave grand kids out. (Dsis has no dc) Which is upto him but not what dm wanted so I'm glad she made sure her wishes were met.
autienotnaughty · 11/03/2022 07:13

Me and dh have split our assests three ways between our one dc and my two dc. But they will receive no inheritance from their dad so it's fair each gets equal share. I get why you have done it though. What about if he dies first would you still leave everything split three ways as per his wishes?

ScreamIntoTheWind · 11/03/2022 07:21

The insurance policy is separate to the estate though. It’s worth talking about it as a different thing.

The estate is mostly going to be the house. But the insurance policy is not part of that. It’s always going to be for a named beneficiary.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 11/03/2022 07:24

The way your estate is set up it’s very easy for him to then effectively try and balance the scales and effectively leave your house to just the older children, disinheriting the joint DC to ‘even’ it up.

This. Not only do you need the conversation you also need to protect your assets for your DC

2DogsOnMySofa · 11/03/2022 07:25

I've done something similar but with my works 'death in service'. I've left it all to my dc. That way, if my dh does go back on my wishes after I die, my dc will still have a lump sum. When I've retired I'll readdress is again as the mortgage will also be paid off then

Original poster
Pilot11 · 11/03/2022 08:47

Thanks!

I've told him. He was actually okay and said he'll do the same to cover all 3 DC. Surprised me as usually he is very much like a PP mentioned expecting me to be a 2nd mum and it's a sore point for him usually when he thinks our DC is benefitting more than his elder two in anything.

A few people have asked about the house, whether I would intend to split it 3 ways between all the kids if he died first. That would definitely be my intention. Although in my mind I'd say 50% to our one DC and the remaining 50% 3 ways.

I think as PP said it's probably a better idea to sort the house out now. That's just another awkward conversation though! But I guess they are needed sometimes.

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