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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

No time together –am I being selfish?

32 replies

fromagreatheight · 04/03/2022 13:21

DP and DSS15 live about 30 minutes way from me. DP currently has DSS full-time, since his ex split from her partner and moved herself and her twin toddlers back in with her parents last year, supposedly while she looked for a new house (in actual fact she seems in no rush to do so, despite her parents getting fed up with her being there).

DSS doesn't like going to his grandparents' house to see his mum, mainly because it's all a bit cramped and tense over there –so he rarely sees her at all now (about once a month for lunch).

DP is at school retraining for a career change while DSS is at school, and works 3 evenings a week. I tend to spend a couple of days per week down there, but I'm usually working and then DP goes to work when I finish, so we don't actually see a lot of one another. So recently DP suggested he come up to me on a Friday through to Saturday as a regular thing so we can spend some actual time together. Turns out that because DSS won't go to his mum's, that means him AND DSS coming up for the night, AND that DSS's girlfriend shows up too, so that DSS isn't just sitting around my house bored and stewing.

So somehow I end up cooking for 4 people / navigating the presence of two bored teenagers in my small (1-bed) house / taking them out for walks or activities instead of actually getting to have some quality time with my partner.

AIBU for wanting DP to tell his ex she needs to step up and do a bit of parenting of her son, so I can get just one evening of quality time with my partner without a teenager (or two) hanging about?

OP posts:

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hauntedbillybass · 04/03/2022 13:24

Why can't he leave a 15yo at home for a few hours in an evening a couple times a week?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2022 13:28

If he asks to bring DSS over say no? I was babysitting babies at 15.

What his mum is up to isn’t your business. He’s got two parents, if one has bailed it’s up to the other one to step up - which he obviously has - and he’s 15, not 5. I can’t see how letting her know it’s impacting on your love life will help…

It’s up to DP to manage his son and his relationship with you. Your issue is with him. Say no to hosting extra people at short notice. It’s your home.

Original poster

fromagreatheight · 04/03/2022 13:28

@hauntedbillybass DSS already is home alone 3, sometimes 4 nights a week so DP can work in the evenings –I think he feels guilty that DSS is already at home alone that much and I get it –it does seem like the upper limit of appropriate already.

Plus DSS is... testing boundaries with trustworthiness, shall we say – and can't fully be trusted to actually stay at home if he knows his dad is at mine (i.e further away than at his work)

OP posts:

TopCatsTopHat · 04/03/2022 13:29

That sucks. If the dss mum had checked out, is busy with twins, maybe thinks she's done her stint with the teen, and it's ignoring her own parents preference for her to leave... I suspect your dp will have zero ability to influence this. That being the case he is doing to right thing to be the parent the boy needs, and the timing of all this with education and work schedules leaves you where you are.
You have all my sympathy but when there is little choice it's about priorities who gets what and raising your child has to be top one or there's yet another broken messed up adult in the world.
I would also hate the situation you describe but struggling to see how it can change if the mother is disinterested.

GlitteryGreen · 04/03/2022 13:34

I'd feel the same way OP, but unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it.

Surely at 15 and with a girlfriend, SS isn't at a loose end while his dad is busy, either at work or if he was with you? I wouldn't be so worried about being constantly present for a 15yo and I'm really surprised SS wants to come and stay at your house with his dad and his girlfriend rather than just being at home!

But if the situation has to stay as it is.....what is the reason for them coming to you instead of you going to your DP's? Presumably he has a bigger place so makes more sense for you to go there.

Original poster

fromagreatheight · 04/03/2022 13:35

@AnneLovesGilbert you're right, I think my frustration with some of her behaviour over the years is spilling over here. She has an incredible capacity to do whatever she wants and expect everyone around her to facilitate it. I've ended up indirectly being one of those people multiple times now, so I think I'm extra-sensitive about it.

I just feel like if I say no to DSS's girlfriend, then we have a bored DSS flooping about my house –and if I say no to DSS, then I don't get to spend time 1:1 with my DP.

Plus, quite frankly, I don't want DSS to feel any more rejected than he already must do. He's very self-absorbed and pushing for independence right now but that doesn't mean things with his mum won't have left a mark somewhere. I don't want to pile on top of that by pushing him away.

Maybe there just is no easy answer to this, as you say, @TopCatsTopHat... I'm just having a bit of a cage-rattle!

OP posts:

excelledyourself · 04/03/2022 14:16

Why can't you stay at DP's Friday to Saturday instead? And that way he can cook for any extra bodies.

I completely understand that he doesn't want to leave his 15yo home alone for two nights overnight. I certainly wouldn't.

Original poster

fromagreatheight · 04/03/2022 17:14

@excelledyourself I don't want him to leave his son home alone for two nights overnight either - where did you get that from?

OP posts:

excelledyourself · 04/03/2022 17:37

You've said your DP will be coming from Friday to Sunday. Others said tell him he can't bring his son or surprised he even wants to come. You know he won't stay with mum, so I'm assuming they mean leave him home while your DP stays.

I didn't say that's what you want. But it reads to me as what others have suggested.

Original poster

fromagreatheight · 04/03/2022 17:41

Oh I see - sorry, I thought you were responding to me about leaving him home alone. We're looking at Friday to Saturday, not to Sunday. One night. But even then –I don't think he should be leaving DSS home alone overnight right now, he's just not proven himself trustworthy enough yet and he spends plenty of time alone already.

And I can stay at DPs from Friday - Saturday, but I'd just like some element of our relationship to happen on my terms, in my home, instead of always being the one running up and down, being away from my own space, in order to accommodate everyone else. It doesn't even have to be every week, once a month would be nice

I'm already down there 2-3 days out of the week, I'm already taking care of their pets because they're both at school now during the day, I'm already feeding/entertaining DSS's girlfriend whenever she's here...I'd just like to be able to spend one night with my partner every now and again as two uninterrupted adults in my own home. And I can't see it happening for a long time...

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 04/03/2022 18:16

I feel your frustration @fromagreatheight but you can't force his mum to step up. You are definitely not unreasonable for wanting her to though. I'm surprised that she's happy to only see her son once a month though. I wonder if perhaps there's more to this than you know about.

Original poster

fromagreatheight · 04/03/2022 18:52

@KylieKoKo that's generous of you to wonder about that side of things. Unfortunately she's quite vocal about not liking it –but she doesn't dislike it enough to move out of her parents' house, it seems...

Handy also that DSS has hit the sneaky teenage stage and is flunking school, which this way she can be furious about from a distance without actually dealing with any of it day to day.

It can't be easy for DSS –he loves his dad but he must feel like he's been dumped by his mum. It's not far off a carbon copy of what happened with his older sister, too (who has a different father).

But anyway...

OP posts:

TopCatsTopHat · 04/03/2022 19:11

You sound like such a reasonable decent human being op. I'm really sorry that you are bearing as much sacrifice to your own personal happiness as you are here in the name of refusing to further the emotional neglect the dss has already had from his mum.
I take my hat off to you that despite your own frustration you are able to see this from all sides and balance the needs of others against your own wishes.
I wish the dss's own mum was as decent!
Of course a 15 yo should be able to be left, but there is a big difference between a capable responsible 15yo with no issues and one who is at risk of going off the rails and must have deep feelings going on regardless of outward appearances. I salute you for recognising that and wish for him and you it were different.
I hope that your dss one day comes to appreciate the positive presence you have been in his life and you and his father can find a way through this one way or another.

PersephonePomegranate · 04/03/2022 19:33

You're not unreasonable at all, but he is not free in the way that you are. He has different responsibilities, the balance was always going to be inequal.

I get your frustration, though, especially with the child's mother, but his priority will be his son.

Babyghirl · 05/03/2022 15:32

@fromagreatheight
My only problem here is a boyfriend and girlfriend at 15 staying together over night at that age it is just not appropriate at all, sorry but I would not be allowing that to happen under my roof.

Original poster

fromagreatheight · 05/03/2022 17:12

@babyghirl where exactly did I say they're staying together overnight?

OP posts:

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 17:14

If you’re having to “tell” your DP to do something that will enable more alone time with each other rather than him “wanting” to do it off his own decision

Well, I think it speaks volumes

Babyghirl · 05/03/2022 17:53

@fromagreatheight
You said ss and girlfriend having to entertain her, and if she was not to come over ss would be bored, also all in a one bedroom flat, so if they are not staying I got it wrong but you never stated in your op that they went home again, surly if they only coming for a couple of hours dp can leave ss at home and leave money for a take away for him so yous can have time alone.

Babyghirl · 05/03/2022 17:55

@fromagreatheight

Turns out that because DSS won't go to his mum's, that means him AND DSS coming up for the night, AND that DSS's girlfriend shows up too, so that DSS isn't just sitting around my house bored and stewing.

Oh and this 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

Blossom64265 · 05/03/2022 18:02

Leaving the teen at home for an evening is different than an overnight.

Lots of Parents don’t always get frequent nights or evenings away from their kids. DH and I did have a teen free overnight for our anniversary in December. It took massive arranging and I had to just lay it on the line with my young teen that mom and dad needed 24 hours alone to be romantic so she had to go be bored at grandmas house. Because of the pandemic, it had been nearly 2 years since we had a free night.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2022 18:05

DSS has been badly let down by his mum, so its important your DP is there for him, which IMO means time with you comes second. Hard for you, but best for DSS.

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 18:06

@Loopytiles

DSS has been badly let down by his mum, so its important your DP is there for him, which IMO means time with you comes second. Hard for you, but best for DSS.

This

Stomacharmeleon · 05/03/2022 18:31

If this is the relationship for you/ your lobster/ soulmate etc then just focus on these arrangements not being forever and you are doing the right thing.
I have been with dp twelve years in April. We have separate houses as six children between us and not compatible children either (big age gaps and sen). But, they are getting older and we are doing more/ adjusting things.
If you want it to work it will work. Although I get your moan :)

Original poster

fromagreatheight · 05/03/2022 23:49

@Landedonfeet

If you’re having to “tell” your DP to do something that will enable more alone time with each other rather than him “wanting” to do it off his own decision

Well, I think it speaks volumes

Yep, in our relationship we do communication, not telepathy.

Right now my DP 'wants' his career back after the pandemic smashed it to bits - he 'wants' his ex to step up and give his son a mother and him some room to breathe. He 'wants' his retraining to happen faster so he can take care of the people he loves. He 'wants' to have 5 minutes headspace to himself without the constant thrum of worrying about how to keep multiple vital balls in the air.

Unfortunately 'wanting' doesn't always turn things into reality, and when you've got a lot of urgent things on your plate, sometimes you need a reminder from the people you love about things that are not urgent but important.

I'm frustrated with the situation right now but this post was not a whinge about an inconsiderate DP. Far, far from it.

OP posts:

Original poster

fromagreatheight · 05/03/2022 23:51

@Stomacharmeleon thanks. A bit of a long-term view does help bring it into perspective.

OP posts:

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