No time together –am I being selfish?

[fromagreatheight]

DP and DSS15 live about 30 minutes way from me. DP currently has DSS full-time, since his ex split from her partner and moved herself and her twin toddlers back in with her parents last year, supposedly while she looked for a new house (in actual fact she seems in no rush to do so, despite her parents getting fed up with her being there).

DSS doesn't like going to his grandparents' house to see his mum, mainly because it's all a bit cramped and tense over there –so he rarely sees her at all now (about once a month for lunch).

DP is at school retraining for a career change while DSS is at school, and works 3 evenings a week. I tend to spend a couple of days per week down there, but I'm usually working and then DP goes to work when I finish, so we don't actually see a lot of one another. So recently DP suggested he come up to me on a Friday through to Saturday as a regular thing so we can spend some actual time together. Turns out that because DSS won't go to his mum's, that means him AND DSS coming up for the night, AND that DSS's girlfriend shows up too, so that DSS isn't just sitting around my house bored and stewing.

So somehow I end up cooking for 4 people / navigating the presence of two bored teenagers in my small (1-bed) house / taking them out for walks or activities instead of actually getting to have some quality time with my partner.

AIBU for wanting DP to tell his ex she needs to step up and do a bit of parenting of her son, so I can get just one evening of quality time with my partner without a teenager (or two) hanging about?

OP I think you need to stop thinking about the mother. You are letting her shenanigans cloud your thinking.

When your bloke brings the two teenagers over with him, instead of cooking for four, why not let them get a takeaway or a pizza and the two of you go out for the evening?

Why can’t DSS spent the evening with his girlfriend? Even if he doesn’t stay the night, your DP could pick him up later on.

Do you want children? If you do and you see things working out long term with your DP, remember how he is with his DSS is how he will be with your children. Sometimes that changes the perspective of a relationship.

OP you are making some rather snippy, defensive responses to people you have asked advice from, and who are only responding based on info you have provided - not all of it clear. It wasn’t unreasonable to think your step-son and his girlfriend were staying together over-night - in your one-bed flat.

It really doesn’t sound ideal. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Dss goes to gfs once a week. That way you get one night alone with dp whilst dp doesnt have to feel like he is pushing his son away.

Although i'd like to strongly echo a pps here op. you will always be second to dss

That comes as part of the territory when dating someone with children.

It is right and natural for this to happen. If you want to date your dp you need to accept that until dss turns 18 this will most likely be the case, unfortunaley more so for you as his mother isnt reliable or very present on the scene.

If you cant hack it I would consider walking away. Dont have the expectation of him doing much about it as your dp really is in a rock between a hard place right now. He needs to make up for the lack of an entire parental presence. His son is most likely feeling very sensitive about that right now if he you are the reason why dss starts to feel pushed out it will jeprodise your future relationship with both dss and dp.

* Yep, in our relationship we do communication, not telepathy. *

And your “communication” style is to to “tell” your DP to do something that you want.

I reckon telepathy would be healthier!

Can't dss come to yours with a games console and set it up on your tv? I have a 15yo and if he had that kind of set up for the evening, he'd leave his dad alone as long as there were drinks and snacks available. You and him could go out or stay in the bedroom.

I'm actually wondering how much you could influence with the mum. Could you ask DP to actually ask her outright to have DSS overnight one specified day per month?

That isn't unreasonable, and putting something so clearly might make her say yes.

I'd say it's worth a try.