Hi,
I need some friendly advice without any judgment! I want to offer my stepson who is 4 some support. But being his step mum I feel I don't have much control over the matter. Every time I bring it up to my husband he tells me I'm in the wrong and shouldn't get involved.
His parents were never together and I've been with his dad since day 1. His mum is also married and has been with her partner from day 1 also. We all have a very good relationship.
Firstly, I do feel he's been very coddled from birth. Both his mum and dad refused to let him sleep alone until he was 2/3 years old. This in turn meant he couldn't self soothe and was very reliant on them.
He was spoon fed purées until a ridiculous age and even now gets spoon fed most the time.
My step son is really struggling with his emotions. I feel for him so much because I know he needs help but his parents aren't listening.
If my husband goes to the toilet, gets in the shower, or even walks across the room (still in sight). My stepson will sit and shake uncontrollably. NOTHING will soothe him until my husband is back. As soon as he's back my stepson acts as if nothing has happened. We try to avoid my husband leaving but sometimes he needs to go to work or somewhere important. There is no soothing my stepson at all and he will shake his fists and head as if he is so furious.
He has become very aggressive. We got kicked out of softplay because he picked up and threw a small baby and said 'hulk smash'. He also punched and kicked several children which led to multiple complaints.
If anyone goes near his dad, either myself or our little girl, he will become so aggressive. I've had him phlegm in my face, punch me, smack me round the head, go put trainers on and come back to kick me. This is so mentally and physically draining. I'm never able to relax and I'm constantly worried for my little girl. When I was bathing her once, he tried to shove her head under and said he wanted to drown her. He pinches her when his dad isn't looking but of course denies denies denies and my husband thinks I'm exaggerating.
His mum had a similar issue. She put him to bed at bedtime and he started punching and kicking the walls. He then put football boots on and cornered her and kicked her until she was bleeding and had a black eye. It sounds silly considering he's 4 but it's so hard knowing what to do in that situation.
I'm so stuck on what to do. His dad/my husband thinks he just gets scared and is just 'emotional'. He thinks I need to make more of an effort with him to understand where he's coming from. But I've been doing that for 4 years and it's only getting worse. We have him every weekend and I never get to relax. I can't relax without panicking what he's going to do. I worry he's going to hurt me and my daughter. I worry about mine and my husbands relationship as we can't have any time together as he can't stand us being near. My husband feeds his behaviour and allows him to act this way and doesn't see any issues! I feel if he perhaps started to discipline him and tell him off when he did these things we'd make improvements. But that could be naïve of me.
Please help!