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Bossy dsd 10yo

39 replies

givemestrength22 · 28/02/2022 12:28

I have an incredibly bossy DSD age 10. I think it's just in her nature being the eldest and is bossy in all aspects of her life, school friends etc, the only person she seems not to boss is her father, my DH.
I take it on the chin mostly when she says things like 'the fish need cleaning' 'that plant needs water, see it's dry!!' 'Mum cleans the toilet with bleach every day, do you not do that' etc etc. I actually just ignore her and that gives me power however I'm due a baby before the Easter holidays (DH has his daughter through a lot of the holidays) this is my first baby and DSD says she is looking forward to having a baby sister or brother so she has someone else to boss around!! I am dreading coming home with a baby to be told what to do by a 10yo, I feel that'll be sensitive enough to my own inadequacy without it being pointed out all the time. I'm hoping my baby is late and I can beg the midwives to stay in the ward so I don't have to put up with two weeks of 'I think the baby needs fed' or 'my mum used this cream for nappy rash when I was a baby'
I feel like speaking to my husband before I come home from hospital to ask him to nip it in the bud, he's aware of her bossiness but I don't think he ever has pulled her up on it... thoughts or similar experiences?

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SuperSocks · 28/02/2022 12:58

Poor kid. It sounds like she's pretty desperate for attention and validation. Rather than ignore her, why don't you make use of her?

DSD: 'The fish need cleaning'

You: Oh yes, you're right! The cleaning stuff is there under the tank. Thanks sweetie.

DSD: 'This plant needs water'

You: I was saving the plants for you, I reckon you've got green fingers! When you've given that one a drink could you check the others for me? Thanks, you're a star!

DSD: The baby needs his nappy changing

You: I thought so. Do you feel confident changing him yourself or shall we do it together?

At the moment it sounds like you're ostracising her because you don't like her. But she's your partner's daughter and your little one's sister. She is inextricably a part of your family. Her bossiness may be annoying, but maybe it's stemming from insecurity? Maybe because she senses she's being pushed out? Pull her in instead, turn things round to make them positive, and you may end up grateful for her help!

givemestrength22 · 28/02/2022 13:00

Absolutely no way would she do any chores, I've asked her to do a few simple things on an odd occasion, she just ignores me

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AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2022 13:03

If her dad accepts her speaking to you like that your child/you as a new mum stand no chance. He needs to tackle it and if he won’t you can’t afford to keep ignoring it.

ilovemyboys3 · 28/02/2022 13:31

I feel for you and can understand your anxiety about bringing baby home with worrying about what she will do and say. I would speak to your DH to make him aware of your worries. It's a difficult time bringing home a new baby let alone having a child boss you about. As I said, warn your husband you will be overly emotional due to your hormones and the last thing you need is a bossy 10 year old making you feel inadequate. I would simply put her in her place and shoot her down if she tried to boss me about. Tell her she's the sister not the mum. She will continue if she feels able and listened too. If she's being particularly bad one day, take the baby off upstairs and take yourself out of the equation or take baby to your parents for a couple hours.
I have a 10 year old step daughter who is brilliant with my baby and always has been and she loves to be "helpful". If she wants to help with baby perhaps Ask her to bring more nappies down, or get baby a new sleep suit etc etc. if she feels pushed out; she may be worse 🤷🏻‍♀️
I would try and relax, not worry and see how things go. If it's awful then tell your husband to deal with the way she is behaving. At the end of the day, she's a child and children will push boundaries until they are put in their place. Good luck x

PeeAche · 28/02/2022 14:22

It's just a phase, honestly. It will pass, I promise!

You'll long for the days that she actually communicated with you, when she moves into "Stage Proto-Teen 1.0" which mostly just involves them ignoring you and rolling their eyes 😅

Don't call little girls "bossy" - nobody ever uses that word for little boys.

Ooh, and congrats on the baby!! 😃

givemestrength22 · 28/02/2022 15:15

@PeeAche bit I doubt it'll pass in the space of a few months which is when my baby is due. But she is bossy and I definitely understand it's just a phase as my older sister was exactly the same but it doesn't make it any easier

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PeeAche · 28/02/2022 16:16

The phase won't have passed before your new baby is born, no.

I sympathise with how you feel.

She's just a little girl and she doesn't have a fully developed sense of empathy yet. I know it might feel like there is more going on, but it's just a young girl practicing at being an adult. She will be observing your responses and it will form part of her development.

I am a step mother too. A pregnant one. And one of my step daughters is 10. Believe me, I do get it.

10 is a very funny little age for them. They're navigating that little jump from childhood to double-digits. It can be painful to go through with them.

The bit that really stings, and I know you have it too because you used an example in your OP, is when they say "my mum does it like..."

For example, did you know that I ball socks "wrong"? There are, apparently, right ways and wrong ways to ball socks. And I get it so wrong that they had to tell me, and explain how their mother does it. And they weren't very nice about it! 😅

And no matter how thick our skin gets, it still nicks at us. (It even still nicks at me, and I've been at this for a while! 💁🏻‍♀️)

Always remember that their mum is a role model to them and it doesn't mean they're trying to compare you or wind you up. Your step daughter is just sharing her view with you. Her view is mostly made up of what she witnesses her mum doing.

I do tell my step children when I feel hurt by something they have said. I never bring their mother into it. I don't escalate it to my husband unless it needs to be. And I always move on after it's been dealt with.

Example:
"Yeah, I guess I do roll my socks differently. But it doesn't matter. It's a small thing. I don't know if you noticed but you didn't talk to me very politely then! I don't mind this time, but don't make a habit out of it. And always think before you speak to anyone like that, because you could end up really upsetting someone!"

Make it unemotional, make it about them, make it a life lesson and don't snap "I bet your mum told you to say that?"

Then I don't mention it again unless they repeat the behaviour. Kids don't need someone stringing it out. They just don't get it and it's better to deal with infractions as they arise, and not broadly and holistically.

Keep your husband informed on how you feel. But, it might be an unrealistic expectation to have him talking to his daughter about this, for the reason I outlined above. Better if he witnesses it and deals with the instances as they crop up.

One other thing is that pregnancy makes all of this so much worse. The hormones. The aches. The tiredness. The very loud ticking clock, in your brain, counting down until everything changes...

When your baby is born, your step daughter is going to be hovering around wanting to show you how grown up she is. It might do your head in a bit. But you're going to suddenly feel a lot more confident in dealing with it all.
And your step daughter is going to give your new baby bottles and bring you fresh muslins and be the first one at the side of the Moses basket when baby cries.
And you'll be watching her holding your new baby and you'll realise how tiny they both are and how much love there is between the two siblings. And your heart will burst and you will (I promise, promise, promise) feel so much better about it all.

It's big changes for everyone. Congratulations again on your growing family. Try to relax and let your SD navigate this weird phase without getting too upset by it.

Nb. If all else fails, tune out. Last week when my step son said my soup tasted like "a dog's butt hole" I mentally quit. I went into the utility room, balled some socks and played the Meh Na Meh Nah song from the Muppets over and over again in my head.

The Meh Na Meh Na song has honestly saved my marriage on at least 25 separate occasions.

GrazingSheep · 28/02/2022 16:17

Last week when my step son said my soup tasted like "a dog's butt hole" I mentally quit. I went into the utility room, balled some socks and played the Meh Na Meh Nah song from the Muppets over and over again in my head.

What did his father do ?

PeeAche · 28/02/2022 16:20

He made him eat the soup. I believe he did offer him the option of a dog's butthole instead but step son plumped for the soup in the end.

I think it took a full hour to get all of the soup inside him. But I went to the Co-op. 😅

PeeAche · 28/02/2022 16:21

Step son also apologised. I accepted it graciously and agreed I wouldn't make that soup flavour again. Peace was restored.

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/02/2022 16:25

Don't call little girls "bossy" - nobody ever uses that word for little boys.

You're right. I'd call it 'domineering'!

Ozanj · 28/02/2022 16:26

@givemestrength22

Absolutely no way would she do any chores, I've asked her to do a few simple things on an odd occasion, she just ignores me
Isn’t she just copying your reaction when she tries to boss you around. When she makes a comment you need to turn it around on her every single time to ask if she’s volunteering to do it. Every single time. Eventually she will stop.
SpaceshiptoMars · 28/02/2022 16:27

Last week when my step son said my soup tasted like "a dog's butt hole" I mentally quit.

"Good gracious, dear. You do conduct some strange experiments in your free time".

Bromse · 28/02/2022 16:30

A friend of mine had a bossy daughter; when she was playing with her brother and my son, both younger, she would stand with hands on hips and say, "Play properly or don't play at all!" - aged about six :-). She would also tell me my living room was untidy - and tidy it!

She was adorable, now in her forties and a great person.

Your step daughter will outgrow this up to a point or at least learn to be more tactful. Just let it wash over you. I'm sure she will thoroughly enjoy being a big sister.

Good luck.

FairyCakeWings · 28/02/2022 16:32

If a child is being rude to you, any child, then you are allowed to tell them about it. Being bossy is rude.

By ten, she will not be able to retain any respect for you if you allow yourself to be bossed by her, and if she doesn’t respect you, then she’ll think she can boss you more and it becomes a cycle.

Just tell her!

Movingonup22 · 28/02/2022 16:33

Bet you wouldn’t call a young boy bossy.

PeeAche · 28/02/2022 16:33

@SpaceshiptoMars we don't even have a dog, so I have to substitute. It is, at least, vegan friendly.

Please let me know if you'd like my recipe for "Dog's Butthole Soup".

It's from my long awaited Step Mother's Guide to Cookery book. Along with "Made Me Sick Meatballs" and "The Too Brown Toast".

I just want the world to know that we're capable of more than just poison apples and gingerbread houses, you know? That's all so 18th century.

At the back, there's even an entire section for Disney Dads. (It's just a list of Haribo sweets tbh.)

DoNotTouchTheWater · 28/02/2022 16:39

@SpaceshiptoMars

Don't call little girls "bossy" - nobody ever uses that word for little boys.

You're right. I'd call it 'domineering'!

I’d call my stepson bossy as a euphemism. Controlling and dictatorial would be more accurate. His sister is just bossy.
Ozanj · 28/02/2022 16:46

@Movingonup22

Bet you wouldn’t call a young boy bossy.
Boys who said shit like that would just be dismissed as rude.
Bromse · 28/02/2022 16:49

@Movingonup22

Bet you wouldn’t call a young boy bossy.
Why not? Some boys are bossy - some people are.
Savvysix1984 · 28/02/2022 17:08

I wouldn't call her bossy- that would be 'you need to clean the fish tank. It's dirty'. She's commenting on things (from how you've described it). Just ignore it or acknowledge what's she's said and move on.

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/02/2022 17:15

It's from my long awaited Step Mother's Guide to Cookery book.

Oooh. Like Nanny Ogg's cookbook? That could pay enough to put an extra bedroom on the house Grin

From another thread, a very rich chocolate cake with lashings of chilli.
(Intended to put a very greedy DH off snack stealing for life). One slice, fine. The whole cake and you book the bathroom for 2 days solid.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 28/02/2022 17:23

@Savvysix1984

I wouldn't call her bossy- that would be 'you need to clean the fish tank. It's dirty'. She's commenting on things (from how you've described it). Just ignore it or acknowledge what's she's said and move on.
I think passive aggressive criticism (with an implication that the person it’s directed to has fallen short and should do something about it) is a really terrible thing to encourage in anyone.

If one of my children did it, I’d tell them how rude they’re being and make them do the job. Unfortunately, you can’t always do that with stepchildren - and in those cases they mostly know it.

It’s s husband problem that he lets his daughter speak to you like that. Can you tackle it with him, or will he be ridiculously defensive?

givemestrength22 · 28/02/2022 17:36

@DoNotTouchTheWater actually I do see a lot of passive aggressive tendencies in her already, just subtle put-downs that I can't even really describe on here as you'll think them to be so small, things like deliberately walking in front of me whilst out together (DH did pull her up on this quite harshly)
I think DH will absolutely take it on board, he has mentioned her bossiness before (his words not mine) he says she's lost friends at school because of her controlling behaviour so I don't think it will come as a surprise. She's especially controlling when it comes to care of our numerous pets, we have basically a small farm and I'm in charge of looking after all the animals but when she's home with us she'll tell me how to do my job, or inform me how the animals like things done. Ie, Brodie's water is low, Ginny needs to go out for a pee etc etc, it's got to the point that even if I was about to do it on my own volition it makes me drag my heels, so silly and immature of me I know!

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/02/2022 17:38

Why has nobody mentioned bratty yet?

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