Bossy dsd 10yo

[givemestrength22]

I have an incredibly bossy DSD age 10. I think it's just in her nature being the eldest and is bossy in all aspects of her life, school friends etc, the only person she seems not to boss is her father, my DH.
I take it on the chin mostly when she says things like 'the fish need cleaning' 'that plant needs water, see it's dry!!' 'Mum cleans the toilet with bleach every day, do you not do that' etc etc. I actually just ignore her and that gives me power however I'm due a baby before the Easter holidays (DH has his daughter through a lot of the holidays) this is my first baby and DSD says she is looking forward to having a baby sister or brother so she has someone else to boss around!! I am dreading coming home with a baby to be told what to do by a 10yo, I feel that'll be sensitive enough to my own inadequacy without it being pointed out all the time. I'm hoping my baby is late and I can beg the midwives to stay in the ward so I don't have to put up with two weeks of 'I think the baby needs fed' or 'my mum used this cream for nappy rash when I was a baby'
I feel like speaking to my husband before I come home from hospital to ask him to nip it in the bud, he's aware of her bossiness but I don't think he ever has pulled her up on it... thoughts or similar experiences?

It sounds like her dad will be doing her a very big favour by putting measures in place to discourage this. She’s upsetting other children at school and losing friends.

A simple rule of ‘if you criticise/point out what needs to be done’ then you have to do it (strictly enforced by her father) might help her to curb her desire to do it.

She sounds like a strong character who needs guidance and support to express herself, and her developing independence, in an appropriate way. The adults around her need to model acceptable ways of performing the kinds of adults behaviours she is rehearsing - suggesting helpfully that Brodie's water looks a bit low, and should she fill it up, for example. She's 10, she's learning, she needs to be guided and scaffolded as she develops these social skills. Sometimes that might require firmly letting her know that she's been rude - but more often it requires taking the time to explain and model, and praise her when she gets it right.

Like any other 10yo child who is about to acquire a new sibling - and even more so given that her parents are not together - she needs an abundance of love, patience and reassurance, both now and after the baby comes. If I were you I would be having some very serious talks with your DH, not only about how you are going to handle the "bossiness" but how he is going to support both your wellbeing and his daughter's during a challenging time.

@sadpapercourtesan oh I don't want to see it as a challenging time but I suppose you're right.
I will try my best to help her through it, I definitely do need to speak to DH but do I pre empt it or wait until something is said by her and use it as an example?

"Oh, are you offering to do it? If so, thank you sweetie. If not, zip it, please."

I don't think boys get being called bossy because they seldom engage in what the meal is like, how the house is kept, whether the socks are folded correctly. Their is a much more limited bossiness. Annoying but not 'how their mum does it'.

Could this be more about what you felt like when your big sister criticised you and put you down?

This girl says things and it takes you right back to being a girl again and that place! That’s why you want to behave childishly. It’s an established pattern.

She isn’t your sister so it’s not
you v her.

She’s pointing out factual things and is criticising how you do things. Sometimes she will be right. Sometimes she will be wrong.

She is perhaps needing to point out things to make herself feel clever. Because inside she doesn’t feel confident and could be struggling, with her dad getting married and now a baby on the way to replace her…

Or she may just be a little shit. Either way the dad needs to step in and help her navigate things.

I understand why people say "you wouldn't call a boy bossy" because many wouldn't but honestly I would, and I don't think it's helpful to pretend nobody is bossy because some people let boys get away with things they shouldn't. Both boys and girls are often bossy. If you don't want to use that specific term, then simply tell her when she is being rude and/or controlling. Her behaviour is not pleasant and it should be pointed out to her.

You sound quite mean here, OP. I'm sure you're not mean in real life, but I don't think you're being reasonable here.

She's 10. You need to be the adult, why are you letting a 10 year old get to you? You need to be stronger than that. Children will always push boundaries and buttons, I promise you your baby will. They need adults to model strong, loving, accepting behaviour while they find out who they are.

You can't control her behaviour, only deal with it as it comes.

It's not a 10 year old child's job to change her behaviour to help your confidence. It just isn't.

Adjust your expectations of her.

You're projecting your own childhood issues and adult insecurities onto a child and expecting her to change her behaviour to solve the problem.

That's not going to work.

Work on yourself, and on your own fears and confidence. You need to be able to cope with things like a zealously 'helpful' tween.

@Ivyonafence

You sound quite mean here, OP. I'm sure you're not mean in real life, but I don't think you're being reasonable here.

She's 10. You need to be the adult, why are you letting a 10 year old get to you? You need to be stronger than that. Children will always push boundaries and buttons, I promise you your baby will. They need adults to model strong, loving, accepting behaviour while they find out who they are.

You can't control her behaviour, only deal with it as it comes.

It's not a 10 year old child's job to change her behaviour to help your confidence. It just isn't.

Adjust your expectations of her.

It is a 10 year old's job to learn when they are being rude.

It's not a 10 year old child's job to change her behaviour to help your confidence. It just isn't.

She should be changing her behaviour because she's being rude, regardless of the impact it has on her step mum.

@Ivyonafence

You're projecting your own childhood issues and adult insecurities onto a child and expecting her to change her behaviour to solve the problem.

That's not going to work.

Work on yourself, and on your own fears and confidence. You need to be able to cope with things like a zealously 'helpful' tween.

No. The child is being objectively rude. Just because the OP is particularly sensitive to this, doesn’t mean the child should just go about being rude.

Children are learning, yes. But that means their parents have to put in the work and teach them when their behaviour is inappropriate.

I don't feel I am projecting my own childhood onto to this situation, my childhood was hardly made traumatic however my elder sisters behaviour just makes me more able to recognise controlling behaviour, I love my sister very much and class her as my best friend however she struggles in relationships to this day because of her domineering attitude, she is a great success in her chosen field of business however.
I don't think I'm being mean either, I've never even picked DSD up on her behaviour, and when I say I ignore the behaviour I more mean that I don't react, I don't ignore her!
I can take the behaviour I think in every other aspect, I'm a capable person and I can shrug it off, however I'm not sure I will be able to if she starts on about mothering skills, I could be wrong but I imagine it will be a difficult time for me and it's just a fear I have, might be totally unjustified fear and I may be able to shrug it off like all the other things I'm Rolf to be better at

@givemestrength22 You're going to be a fab mother and you will be able to shrug it off, as your confidence in yourself as a mum grows and grows.
It's just adding 1 more thing onto your plate to worry about... we're all prone to doing that, because I swear that pregnancy is about 70% worrying! 😩

You got this.