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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Would you tell your ex that your new Partner is going to meet your toddler?

33 replies

TroubleInParadise84 · 27/02/2022 19:21

My 3 year old daughter arrived home last weekend to tell me that she had gone for dinner with Daddy and (we'll call her Sally). I asked her who Sally was and she replied Daddy's girlfriend.

Now, it doesn't bother me that he's met someone. I fell out of love with him a very long time ago and he was abusive so I was relieved when i got away. But we have only been separated 11 months. He mentioned he had a girlfriend called (we'll call this one Mary) at the beginning of August last year but it was short lived and he admitted it had ended.
So he can't have been with this Sally for more than 6 months and he's already introducing her to our daughter and here comes the best bit (drum roll please) without telling me a single thing.

We are not on good terms, let's rephrase that, we are on the worst terms ever but we agree to have contact about our daughter and her welfare.

I couldn't imagine introducing my daughter to another man this quickly and out of respect for her father, I would certainly tell him when I was going too. I didn't even know he was dating someone. Although I had my suspicions.
We might not get along and he is not a very nice person at all but I'm considerably shocked that he hasn't felt it necessary to just write me a message to say, 'just to let you know, daughter is meeting Sally this weekend'.
She's only 3. I could have helped prepare her for the news and answered any questions she might have had rather then sat gobsmacked at the news.

WWYD?

I'm debating at what to write to him (if anything) when he collects her again this weekend coming. I've been mulling it over all week already.

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 27/02/2022 19:24

Yes, it would have been ideal if he had let you know, however he doesn't have to. I agree it's the right thing to do, and dp told his ex about me before I met his child etc but if he's particularly difficult I really wouldn't bother bringing it up. What will it solve?

M0rT · 27/02/2022 19:25

Say nothing, if he thinks it winds you up he will do it again.
You know you can't make him behave well so don't try, all it will do is stress you out.
If she's only three then "daddy's girlfriend" doesn't mean much more than "daddy's friend" she lives in the moment now preparing her would be pointless.
Just be glad your no longer with him.

KylieKoKo · 27/02/2022 19:26

I think ideally parents can put their differences aside and communicate on things like this but they often don't. I don't think you should aggregate the situation by writing to him and telling him off about it. It's done now and you don't mention that your daughter seemed upset by it so I don't see what writing to him would achieve , especially as you are on bad terms.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 27/02/2022 19:26

Sounds like he would not respond well.

She's very young so I'd be nice and breezy with her, that's nice etc and give her lots of love and attention.

flipflopjump · 27/02/2022 19:26

It's done now. Don't argue with him about what cannot be undone.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 27/02/2022 19:27

Meant to say that while preparing your child is a sensible thing, it can also make something a bigger issue for them. It's a balance.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 27/02/2022 19:27

A reasonable parent would but then you know he is not a reasonable person.

Crimesean · 27/02/2022 19:29

He doesn't sound like he's approaching it in an ideal way - introducing someone who's been around a matter of months is pretty irresponsible, kids worry and need stability.

However, you'll no doubt get a bunch of folk on soon who say it's totally fine to introduce DC to partners after barely any time at all, because otherwise "it's not fair on single parents" Hmm

MOST parents, single or otherwise, wait a decent amount of time before introducing their DC to a partner, enough to be sure (at least as sure as they can be) they'll be around long term.

A minority don't, and expose their poor DC to their unstable love lives. It's harmful and not ok.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 27/02/2022 19:31

I don't think 6 months is particularly early but then it depends doesn't it!

Louisianagumbo · 27/02/2022 19:33

I would out of courtesy. But if I didn't get along with my partner, I might not.
She's 3 and she's meeting a friend of her father's. I doubt she'll have been traumatised. There's nothing you can do about it, so I'd let it go. Definitely don't write anything.

Really18 · 27/02/2022 19:34

Just leave it. He chooses what to do and who to introduce your child to on his time. Presumably, he isn't a risk to the child and is capable of safeguarding her. I think saying something will only inflame the situation.

QuirkyTurtle · 27/02/2022 19:37

I agree the adult thing to do would be to give you a heads up so that you didn't need to hear it from your daughter. I don't think he needs to be asking for permission, but things like that should not be communicated via the children.

I met my stepson a lot sooner than 6 months though so I suppose it depends on the circumstances what is considered 'early'.

As much as it sucks, you won't be able to control anything that goes on at his household, and it doesn't sound like he'll be volunteering any information so best be prepared for that.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 19:41

Presume he is an ex for a reason? Why expect better from him now?

unicornsarereal72 · 27/02/2022 19:42

Different people have different boundaries. You will introduce your child to people all the time.

Yes it would be polite to let you know but he has set the example now. When your time comes you don't need to include him in your plans

My ex moved in with new girl friend after dating for 4 weeks and the children went 2 weeks later for their eow and met her that day and slept on their bedroom floor. He got a short shift from me on that one. But usually I just let him do his own thing. It's on him not me. I can only control things in my power.

AchillesPoirot · 27/02/2022 19:44

He doesn’t have to tell you. And you don’t have to tell him.

I never told my ex if I was dating and he certainly never told me.

Bdhntbis · 27/02/2022 19:44

In an ideal world yes but it sounds like he is far from ideal as a person so I’m not overly surprised

RandomMess · 27/02/2022 19:47

As he's abusive unless he has your DC an awfully like >30% I'd leave it. She's young and will realise that these girlfriends just come and go and aren't important in her life.

Sadly this is less than ideal for your DD but with an acrimonious situation I think it would be rad rag to a bull to mention it.

AthenaPopodopolous · 27/02/2022 19:48

I think it’s reasonable to mention to him that you would expect to know about your child meeting a girlfriend. But realistically his love life is his own business and he can take your daughter to meet whoever he likes. Congratulate him though, so he doesn’t enjoy a sense of you being pissed off about it.

Original poster
TroubleInParadise84 · 27/02/2022 20:15

Thankyou everyone for your valid and much needed responses.
So.... the majority say don't say anything at all and that's what my gut is telling me also.

He is very abusive, and even if I just said something like, 'would have appreciated being told about Sally' (and alot more to be honest but I would hold back) even that would open a whole can of worms. I know exactly what his response would be and I really don't need or want to hear it.
My anxiety is through the roof as it is so maybe a good chat with some close friends is what I need.

What a shit head though!!!!
Mind, he didn't respect me as his wife, why did I ever think he'd respect me as her mother.

Common courtesy would have been to be given a heads up. Regardless of our situation but atleast i know I won't be needing to return the favour.

And I'm well aware he doesn't need to tell me anything about his personal life and to be honest I really don't care or need to know. But this is our child and we are both her parents.
I'm just gobsmacked I guess

OP posts:
cherryonthecakes · 27/02/2022 20:30

I agree with the others.

If she had questions about Sally then your ex may be the beat person to answer them as he knows Sally.

In the real world outside MN, 6 months is considered acceptable/responsible ime.

candlesandpitchforks · 27/02/2022 20:50

@TroubleInParadise84 you know I think it's sad but sometimes the base level of keep your expectations low when it comes to ex's is a happier outcome if he's surprises you

I would have hoped he would have said something but in grand scheme of things 6months isn't so horrific tbh

Similar happened with me and my ex, however I tried to hold his 🔔 endery against him alone. That worked quite well actually as the partner he got with is lovely and I'm not quite she why she's with him.

Original poster
TroubleInParadise84 · 27/02/2022 20:57

Thing is, I don't think it is actually as long as 6 months. He has shown a change in his behaviour as recently as in maybe 3 months which lead to me being suspicious that he had met someone again.
You know, the type of behaviour where he suddenly starts dropping time with his child because he suddenly has lots of nights out planned etc

OP posts:
candlesandpitchforks · 27/02/2022 21:05

@TroubleInParadise84 I get that honestly, though for your own sanity and I speak as a mum who went through hell with my ex and now co parent really well (even though he's truly a 🔔 end)

If your expectations are 0, you can't be disappointed, and I like he's not to be able to effect me in that way. Freeing.

Btw this is so much harder than it looks and I realise your probably thinking hey it's not that simple. But I speak from experience don't let his normal typical behaviour upset you or shake you if you can.Save your anger/upset for the real hills to die on. This is bad behaviour but not the worst.

Original poster
TroubleInParadise84 · 27/02/2022 23:03

Thankyou candles.
You're absolutely right. My expectations should be zero. But I stupidly still have hope that there just may be a tiny part of a decent being in the person I married. Especially when it comes to what's best for our daughter.
But obviously not. Everytime he stoops to a new low, I think, surely it can't be any worse, and then wham he shocks me with something else

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/02/2022 00:29

I agree with a pp. Expect the worse of him as a coparent and you don't be disappointed.

Abusive people are not going to be considerate.