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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Would you tell your ex that your new Partner is going to meet your toddler?

33 replies

TroubleInParadise84 · 27/02/2022 19:21

My 3 year old daughter arrived home last weekend to tell me that she had gone for dinner with Daddy and (we'll call her Sally). I asked her who Sally was and she replied Daddy's girlfriend.

Now, it doesn't bother me that he's met someone. I fell out of love with him a very long time ago and he was abusive so I was relieved when i got away. But we have only been separated 11 months. He mentioned he had a girlfriend called (we'll call this one Mary) at the beginning of August last year but it was short lived and he admitted it had ended.
So he can't have been with this Sally for more than 6 months and he's already introducing her to our daughter and here comes the best bit (drum roll please) without telling me a single thing.

We are not on good terms, let's rephrase that, we are on the worst terms ever but we agree to have contact about our daughter and her welfare.

I couldn't imagine introducing my daughter to another man this quickly and out of respect for her father, I would certainly tell him when I was going too. I didn't even know he was dating someone. Although I had my suspicions.
We might not get along and he is not a very nice person at all but I'm considerably shocked that he hasn't felt it necessary to just write me a message to say, 'just to let you know, daughter is meeting Sally this weekend'.
She's only 3. I could have helped prepare her for the news and answered any questions she might have had rather then sat gobsmacked at the news.

WWYD?

I'm debating at what to write to him (if anything) when he collects her again this weekend coming. I've been mulling it over all week already.

OP posts:

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 08:21

If he was a dick when you were with him he won't have changed just because you're not together. I think you're right not to say anything.

MeridianB · 28/02/2022 09:09

It would be normal grown-up behaviour to let you know he planning this. But I agree you should just leave it if he will exploit it.

And who knows, maybe your little DD will innocently start calling them all by the wrong names!

More generally, if he was very abusive in your marriage, do you have any concerns about him having unsupervised access to your DD?

excelledyourself · 28/02/2022 12:49

He's probably itching to see your reaction, so don't give him one.

However, I say that from the view of what else you have said about him.

When my DC was younger, my ex and I did agree to let each other know about new partners, but that was purely personal choice.

ilovemyboys3 · 28/02/2022 13:35

From my experience; the will do what he likes anyways. He may seek delight in the fact that it pisses you off if you complain so I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. It's a shame when a parent doesn't consider the other parent but there's nothing you can do other than ensure your children are happy. If they come home and are upset etc then you have something to complain about. X

LacasadeBernadaAlba · 28/02/2022 13:58

you can't control what he does. It is not worth getting upset about. He has not set a precedent and you can follow that as suits you. At the point you are ready to introduce someone, you will probably not even consider mentioning it to him because you'll be so far past him that it's no longer an issue.

I think I spent too many years hoping my ex would be the man I thought I had married. I now conclude that he wasn't the man I thought I had married, just the idiot he is now all along. But love and romance and all of that make it harder to see the truth. Once you wake up to the nonsense, there is no-going back.

GatoradeMeBitch · 28/02/2022 14:11

When my DC was younger, my ex and I did agree to let each other know about new partners, but that was purely personal choice.

Yes, and the personal choice is to be a caring parent and give the other a head up about any difficult conversations or complicated feelings it might bring up. I wouldn't call it a courtesy at all. Unless the parents are unable to see their child as anything to do with them once they leave their doorstep.

GlitteryGreen · 28/02/2022 14:40

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Yes, it would have been ideal if he had let you know, however he doesn't have to. I agree it's the right thing to do, and dp told his ex about me before I met his child etc but if he's particularly difficult I really wouldn't bother bringing it up. What will it solve?

Agree with this tbh, it's done now.

At 3 your daughter won't have much concept of the difference between girlfriend and friend so I wouldn't worry too much.

cherryonthecakes · 28/02/2022 14:57

My children knew about ex's gf as she was the OW when we were together and circumstances meant that they knew of her existence.

Dd went to contact one weekend and gf was there. She had no idea that they'd be meeting - she came out of the bedroom and introduced herself to 8yo dd then went out. The meeting itself was fine but dd was furious that it was sprung on her. He'd left 3 months earlier.

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