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Original poster

Separate holidays

32 replies

Pixieb34 · 27/02/2022 14:31

Does anyone holiday separately from their DH due to step kids, and how do you manage it/cope with feelings about it?

I can’t go on holiday again with his son, his behaviour and attitude is just awful and last years holiday was ruined. So we’re holidaying separately, me with my two and him with his two. I know it’s for the best but it makes me incredibly sad as I just wanted a family life, yet I feel like a single parent still. Anyone in this situation and has it worked well? I’m really struggling with my feelings about it.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 27/02/2022 14:36

We do a mix of both currently. Against my better judgement, I've agreed to a holiday together this year. We went the other year and I hated every minute. We just have different parenting styles and boundaries and it doesn't make for an easy time. We always argue when we're away.

But the difficulty is we each have our own DS but we have a shared DS so if we holiday separately, who has our DS? Neither of us wants to miss out on that special time while DC is young.

My DH is taking his away for a few days and I'll be staying here with DS and doing something else.

toobusytothink · 27/02/2022 14:42

Not married but been together over 3 years. We all went away together last summer and it was a complete disaster, so this year I’m going with my 2 and he’s going with his 2 separately. I will miss him like crazy and feel a bit sad (he feels even sadder) but it wasn’t enjoyable last year so this is how it has to be

toobusytothink · 27/02/2022 14:43

Oh and I can’t bloody wait! Some stress free quality fun time in the sun with my 2 kids. Going to be awesome!!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 14:48

Even nuclear families holiday apart to suit differing needs, I know it’s not what you’d hoped for but you’re doing the right thing prioritising yourself and your own children. Is there anything DH could do/could have done to manage his son’s behaviour better?

You’re being pragmatic, that’s good parenting. Holiday time is so precious and it’s a waste to spend it stressed or unhappy. Hope you have a wonderful time. Think of how great it’ll be giving your DC all of your time and attention and not having to worry about stress and drama!

Original poster
Pixieb34 · 27/02/2022 15:29

Thank you for your replies 😊 I am looking forward to a few days with my boys. My eldest is 18 so might be one of the last times he wants to go away with his mum 😂 I’m just fighting a few feelings of disappointment and a bit of resentment that I can’t holiday with my other half…but trying to see the many positives instead.

OP posts:
ilovemyboys3 · 27/02/2022 15:31

@Pixieb34

Thank you for your replies 😊 I am looking forward to a few days with my boys. My eldest is 18 so might be one of the last times he wants to go away with his mum 😂 I’m just fighting a few feelings of disappointment and a bit of resentment that I can’t holiday with my other half…but trying to see the many positives instead.
Make sure you take time to go on holiday with just you and your partner leaving all children behind Smile
Ragwort · 27/02/2022 15:45

We are a 'nuclear' family but we often holiday separately - it's so difficult to find something that we all enjoy, a few years ago I realised I was fed up with 'compromising' about what a holiday should be .. even now it's just DH and I most of the time we go away separately Grin.

Bookaholic73 · 27/02/2022 18:32

Why can’t you and your DH go away together as welll?

CornishGem1975 · 27/02/2022 19:24

Not speaking for anyone else @Bookaholic73 but we simply couldn't afford to do it.

gogohm · 27/02/2022 19:46

Do what's right for you. We're taking them all away this year, adults so definitely our choice but we feel it's good for developing a relationship. They have shared interests which helps including cocktails. Interestingly dsd suggested she shared with my eldest to save money! (Dd2 has a dp who's coming)

Original poster
Pixieb34 · 28/02/2022 08:22

We’ve got a couple of nights booked in April but that will be all we are able to afford as well as the trips with the kids. Got a long way to go too as his youngest is only 6, but my youngest is 15 so doesn’t bode well for future holidays either!

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AIHippy · 28/02/2022 16:06

I holiday separately because we can't afford to take DSC who are in school so need to go away in the school holidays.

Our joint DC aren't in school yet so I take them away by myself or with family.

AIHippy · 28/02/2022 16:09

Oh but me and DH go together too.

ilovemyboys3 · 28/02/2022 16:26

@Pixieb34

We’ve got a couple of nights booked in April but that will be all we are able to afford as well as the trips with the kids. Got a long way to go too as his youngest is only 6, but my youngest is 15 so doesn’t bode well for future holidays either!
Is it just unbearable to go with his kids? If you set a precedent not to holiday with them then you'll be forever left at home. Your children are older so are not likely to want to holiday with you for much longer, if at all! I would go, relax on the beach or by the pool, have some cocktails and let him parent his children while you watch haha
Original poster
Pixieb34 · 28/02/2022 18:53

I said after last years holiday that I wouldn’t even consider going with his son again. We’ve nearly separated due to his behaviour. My experience of a ‘blended’ family has been stressful and difficult…I wouldn’t do it again that’s for sure.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 01/03/2022 06:44

We do separate holidays after trying a few years of joint ones which just didn't work out. I'll be going with my daughter early this year, then we have a joint holiday (no kids) in early summer, then he will take his kids (if he organises it). The last time I went away with his kids they just wanted to stay in the hotel room gaming all day - what's the point in taking them?! So I let him do it alone so that I don't get wound up by them. My holiday time is precious.

ilovemyboys3 · 01/03/2022 07:23

@Pixieb34

I said after last years holiday that I wouldn’t even consider going with his son again. We’ve nearly separated due to his behaviour. My experience of a ‘blended’ family has been stressful and difficult…I wouldn’t do it again that’s for sure.
Should he be treating his son to a holiday if he cannot behave? I certainly wouldn't, a holiday is for deserving people, not people who create problems for others. Or perhaps he needs more discipline
DoNotTouchTheWater · 01/03/2022 07:35

Should he be treating his son to a holiday if he cannot behave? I certainly wouldn't, a holiday is for deserving people, not people who create problems for others. Or perhaps he needs more discipline

My experience of SC has been that their father operates out of fear, guilt and bucketloads of obligation. Entirely. So he will prioritise treats for them over anything else and will reward them regardless his poor their behaviour is (which, as you can imagine, encourages more poor behaviour).

Holidays for them would be his top priority. Not because he would enjoy spending time with them. But because he feels obliged to take them (in a grand gesture to make up for their ‘broken family’) and he’d just have been angry at me for not wanting to subject myself and my children to 2 weeks of torture in the service of entertaining two spoiled children.

Sadly that kind of logic is not necessarily unusual in no resident fathers.

ANameChangeAgain · 01/03/2022 07:45

Should he be treating his son to a holiday if he cannot behave? I certainly wouldn't, a holiday is for deserving people, not people who create problems for others. Or perhaps he needs more discipline you don't correct bad behaviour by banning a 6pm from quality family time.
I don't think blending older teens with primary school kids is ever going to work. You going away with yours until his are taught how to behave is the ideal solution.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 01/03/2022 07:48

@Pixieb34

I said after last years holiday that I wouldn’t even consider going with his son again. We’ve nearly separated due to his behaviour. My experience of a ‘blended’ family has been stressful and difficult…I wouldn’t do it again that’s for sure.
It is hard. Very hard. We separated because of his children’s behaviour (and principally his attitude to it). I’ve recently found out that the SC’s mother’s partner left her. Obviously I don’t know, but I’d be utterly shocked if the SC’s behaviour (and their mother’s parenting choices) weren’t a part of it. They’d lived together just under a year, which is enough time to absolutely come to the end of your tether with really rude, demanding and generally poorly behaved children whose mother thinks that’s ok.
MintyFreshBreath · 01/03/2022 07:48

We never holidayed separately but I used to hate it as when we were in a hotel DH would be in a room with his two and I’d be in a room with my DS. I always felt so sorry for my husband though as his daughter is terrible and will get in dreadful moods about everything. One holiday there was huge screaming matches most nights whereas DS and I just snuck back downstairs once we’d pretended to go to bed 😬

DoNotTouchTheWater · 01/03/2022 07:53

@ANameChangeAgain

Should he be treating his son to a holiday if he cannot behave? I certainly wouldn't, a holiday is for deserving people, not people who create problems for others. Or perhaps he needs more discipline you don't correct bad behaviour by banning a 6pm from quality family time. I don't think blending older teens with primary school kids is ever going to work. You going away with yours until his are taught how to behave is the ideal solution.
There is no ‘quality family time’ with the way some parents let their children behave though. Why would you subject yourself to a week or so in cramped conditions where you cannot escape it? Especially when it’s supposed to be fun and the disjuncture between that and the reality would make you hugely resentful.

It’s possible to have a lovely holiday with a 6 year old (and 15 year old at the same time). But not if the 6 year old’s parent will allow them to behave so poorly everything is miserable.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 01/03/2022 07:54

@MintyFreshBreath

We never holidayed separately but I used to hate it as when we were in a hotel DH would be in a room with his two and I’d be in a room with my DS. I always felt so sorry for my husband though as his daughter is terrible and will get in dreadful moods about everything. One holiday there was huge screaming matches most nights whereas DS and I just snuck back downstairs once we’d pretended to go to bed 😬
I wouldn’t have felt sorry for him. That’s lying in the bed he made.
MintyFreshBreath · 01/03/2022 08:08

@DoNotTouchTheWater Never heard of the word empathy then? It’s in the dictionary Hmm

zafferana · 01/03/2022 08:12

I think it's pretty common to take separate holidays and if it's not because of horrible behaviour, it's because the DC from the two families don't get on. I have a friend who's been with her DP for several years. They don't live together, both have two DC, but the kids don't get on, so they always holiday separately.