Separate holidays

[Pixieb34]

Does anyone holiday separately from their DH due to step kids, and how do you manage it/cope with feelings about it?

I can’t go on holiday again with his son, his behaviour and attitude is just awful and last years holiday was ruined. So we’re holidaying separately, me with my two and him with his two. I know it’s for the best but it makes me incredibly sad as I just wanted a family life, yet I feel like a single parent still. Anyone in this situation and has it worked well? I’m really struggling with my feelings about it.

His son is now 17 so similar age to my boys, however they have completely different attitudes so definitely aren’t friends although mine have tried to just get along.
I can’t help but agree that he’s treating his son when his behaviour has pretty just awful this last year. He turns up now for treats and nothing else, it’s all take take take. But like you say, there’s an obligation on his father’s part…but not mine and thank god I don’t have to take him anywhere!!!

I can’t holiday with my DH because of our rescue dog. It’s really not that much of a big deal. Is it?

@Burnamer

I can’t holiday with my DH because of our rescue dog. It’s really not that much of a big deal. Is it?

Depends if you like spending time together I guess?

I like my DH so I enjoy having shared experiences together.

My DP and I holiday separately with our DC. It really is what works best for us - our DCs are relatively close in age but with different likes and dislikes.

For both of us it gives me uninterrupted time with my DC and the same for my DP.

My DP and I also holiday together on our own (I realise we are really lucky to do that).

Do what suits you OP.

Does he not have a problem with a horribly behaved child?

In a less similar way, DTwins required specialist milk and so much luggage/double buggy/paraphernalia/two cots, that on balance, we decided a holiday, taking that into account, and the fact that they probably wouldn't sleep, would not be much of a holiday, so we just didn't go at that point in time.

In a closer related way, a tween DS went through a phase of utterly appalling behaviour. And I mean appalling, due to falling in with the wrong crowd when he went up to a bigger school. He was very unpleasant and very hard to be around, and I say that as his mother. Thankfully this was nipped in the bud within a year. However, I did go away (this is before DTwins were born) and dropped him at his grandparents. I told him quite succinctly that he was not going to use foul language at me, trash his room, and then expect to come on lavish holidays. Goodbye, see you in a week. I'd threatened this was what I would do, but I don't think he took me seriously, until it happened. He was aghast. But my word, the reality check did him the world of good. I actually couldn't bear the idea of his behaviour on holiday though, and wanted to make him see very clearly that people do not want to spend time around that kind of behaviour. Sounds like your DH is fine with it?

It’s not dissimilar here. My DP puts ‘head in sand’ with his dd(20), so she doesn’t come to mine any more. We don’t blend fully at all now (although his ds is great and good friends with my youngest). Separate holidays/Christmas. We do holiday just the two of us (me&dp).

We might holiday together this year minus his dd. It’s a bit weird. She no longer wants to come over either, because she doesn’t understand what’s wrong (which is unsurprising because her parents have never provided any consequences for the rudeness/disrespect/manipulation). In this sense I do feel for the dd. Some of this is not her ‘fault’.

I do sympathise with the disappointment that this creates.

Sadly it’s a sort of rot that can set in (resentment) and really impact on the relationship. I am careful to look after myself, and tell myself that this is ‘not my circus and these are not my monkeys’ (um literally haha). When I think of how DP has failed to react to the rudeness/disrespect, etc., I remember that I’ve done absolutely the right thing for me and my teen dc (17&19). I’ve done the right thing by keeping properties and finances separate. It means he can ‘do his thing’ in his parenting and I can do mine. It’s important. When DP gets mopey about us not living together, I remind him of the sacredness of being able to parent as we see fit. Sadly I think his dd may never live independently (is wholly enabled by her parents). So DP is a bit ‘stuck’. That’s on him.

Hold your head high, OP, and enjoy being able to holiday in peace.

Just returned from a holiday with our child and stepchild, I really get on with stepchild and they have made things easy for my but my god that holiday was hard, intense being around them 24/7, the holiday somehow became all about what they wanted to do (obviously they are older so perhaps this happens naturally? 🤔) but we are also in a very lucky position (through sheer hard work) that we can take our child away by ourselves later in the year and stepchild will be with their mother. I think this is fair and I presume we will try and do this yearly going forward but if we can't afford 2 breaks then will obviously include step child in the one we do but honestly I would be happy not to have to holiday with them again!