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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSD no longer wants to come over as much

44 replies

AWOIF · 25/02/2022 12:44

DSD is 15, we have 2 bedroom house so when he comes over he has to share with his younger Sibling (DD).
Over half term he was with us, a few days in he told his Dad he was going home to help his Mum. He left with his stuff (about a 15 min bike ride). His Mum then calls and has a go at DP saying why has he come back? And he needs to stay with us because she hadn't had anytime with her DP. So she drove him back.
He's 15 now and I get the impression he doesn't really like coming over anymore.
How would you suggest DP handles the situation?

OP posts:
CrossStichQueen · 25/02/2022 12:46

I are you sure it's just that he doesn't want to come over or is it because he doesn't want to share a room with his younger sister?
He is 15 is it really appropriate to make him share?

Have you spoken to him?
Looked at other sleeping arrangements?

SeasonFinale · 25/02/2022 12:48

Sorry you say DSD but I assume you meant step son.

There a couple of issues really at 15 I would say.

He prefers to be at home in his own room where presumably he may have a console, or prefers there because he can hang out with friends or play sport or whatever he does.

He comes to you and has to stay in a room with a younger sister without any privacy that a teen boy wishes for/needs.

Is there anyway he can sleep elsewhere and not in with his sister? Is his sister young enough to come in with you still when he visits? is there a dining room or study or box room that can be made into his own space for him?

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 25/02/2022 12:48

I’m confused a bit. You say DSD but refer to the child as he. Is he a boy or a girl? If he is a 15 year old boy maybe the problem is he doesn’t want to share with his younger sister? How old is the sister?

SoupDragon · 25/02/2022 12:49

TBH, I'm not surprised if he has to share with a younger girl. It must make him feel quite awkward.

I get how the mother feels but sending him back is awful - he must feel really unwanted! This plus having to share with your DD can't make him feel good.

Redshoeblueshoe · 25/02/2022 12:49

At 15 he shouldn't be sharing a room with his sister

Throwmealifejacket · 25/02/2022 12:53

To all the posters saying he shouldn’t be sharing what do you suggest? They build an extension, move house? OP is asking for help on the situation not judgement on the size of her home!

I would suggest talking to him and trying to find out what the problem is.

Ozanj · 25/02/2022 12:53

There isn’t enough room for him. It’s a bit sad really that your DP agreed to buy / live in a 2 bed house that can’t accomodate his child.

Throwmealifejacket · 25/02/2022 12:54

Perhaps that’s all they could afford???

FelicityPike · 25/02/2022 12:55

@Throwmealifejacket

To all the posters saying he shouldn’t be sharing what do you suggest? They build an extension, move house? OP is asking for help on the situation not judgement on the size of her home!

I would suggest talking to him and trying to find out what the problem is.

The parents sleep in the living room. Or buy a divider for the children’s room.
Original poster
AWOIF · 25/02/2022 12:56

Sorry I meant DSS!
Yes I agree he needs his own space, I'll try having DD sleep in my room and DP sleep on the sofa.

OP posts:
Happy36 · 25/02/2022 12:58

He says he wants to help his mum. Could it be that he is worried about her for some reason? Health? Abusive partner?

Agree that he may want his stuff from his mum's house and some privacy.

Associatepeggy · 25/02/2022 12:58

Your dp needs to speak to him.

It appears like his mum wants him out of the house and his dad doesn't have room for him. It is a sad situation.

If you and dp really can not fix the housing situation he may feel better if your dp talks to him and tells him he is wanted but explains moving isn't an option.

If you can fix it you may find he does actually want to be there.

TrivialSoul · 25/02/2022 12:58

It sounds like your house doesn't meet your families needs. Has your dp taken him out and had a proper one-to-one chat about how he is feeling and what your dp can do to make him feel more settled at your house?

Original poster
AWOIF · 25/02/2022 13:02

We have a desk, and bought him a gaming monitor so he can bring his gaming things round. He plays his console for hours. DD only goes in there to sleep. But yes it would be better to have her in with me.

We live in London and unfortunately can't afford a bigger house!!!

OP posts:
idril · 25/02/2022 13:04

I think it's normal for stepchildren not to want to come over as much when they are older. I had divorced parents and my dad was always very clear that we shouldn't feel obliged to go and spend the weekend with us if we would prefer to be with our friends. This was after a very strict every other weekend arrangement for the previous 10 years.

We often just used to go for the day to his home town (30 miles away) and go shopping and then call in and see him.

Given he only lives 15 minutes away, does he need to come for the night? I guess it's a bit tricky because his mum doesn't want him there but couldn't he go and stay with a friend or something instead?

toomuchlaundry · 25/02/2022 13:06

Can’t he just come over for meals and maybe some gaming with DP

Not really good for him to be sharing with DD

SoupDragon · 25/02/2022 13:07

@Throwmealifejacket

To all the posters saying he shouldn’t be sharing what do you suggest? They build an extension, move house? OP is asking for help on the situation not judgement on the size of her home!

I would suggest talking to him and trying to find out what the problem is.

They need to find a solution that works for every one.

Like the OP is thinking, having her DD in with her might be one solution. A sofa bed might be another. No, it isn't idea and it's difficult to negotiate but it does seem he isn't comfortable there for some reason.

They do want to go less as they get older so I agree that your DP needs to have a chat with him to find out the issue and work out a solution.

CrossStichQueen · 25/02/2022 13:08

I guess it's a bit tricky because his mum doesn't want him there

I dont think that is very fair!

It sounds like mum does the bulk of the parenting and deserves child free time just like his father. His mum had made plans when her son was supposed to be with his dad and why shouldn't she?

If his own father cannot house his own son why is that the mums fault?
Why go on to have a second child if you cannot put a roof over your existing child's head?

Original poster
AWOIF · 25/02/2022 13:10

@crossStichQueen so I'm not supposed to have any children of my own? If you haven't got anything useful to say..don't post spouting rubbish.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 25/02/2022 13:10

It sounds like mum does the bulk of the parenting and deserves child free time just like his father. His mum had made plans when her son was supposed to be with his dad and why shouldn't she?

I've been in this situation but I would never, ever send my child back as if they weren't wanted.

CrossStichQueen · 25/02/2022 13:13

AWOIF of course you can however your DP is responsible for making sure he can provide a home for his existing children as well as any others he may have.
He hasn't done that meaning his son is now effectively given no choice at 15 years old than to share with a much younger sister. That's not your DSSs fault yet he is the one losing out.
Your DP has been irresponsible.

toomuchlaundry · 25/02/2022 13:13

@AWOIF many people have to make a decision on number of children they have based on how many they can afford, including housing them. Why did you think 2 bedroom house would work with different sex children?

Queenkarm · 25/02/2022 13:30

OP I agree that a 15 year old boy would feel uncomfortable sharing with his younger dss. I also agree that the solution might work if dh slept on the sofa bed and dd with you. But I do feel for the lad to go home and have his mum rant because she doesn't want him there because she wants time with her partner. I understand his dm wanting time with partner but the lad must feel upset that his mum took him back to df. Again a very good idea to ask him if it is the sleeping arrangements are making him uncomfortable, or it could be something else bothering him. I hope you can get it sorted out so that everyone is happy x

Tattler2 · 25/02/2022 13:35

@AWOIF
Your husband made the decision to have more children than HE could afford to adequately and appropriately afford to house. That said, at age 15 the son may prefer to spend more time with his peers than his parent. You husband should have an open and judgement free discussion with his son as to how he ( the son) would prefer to structure/restructure the time they spend together..

This is not a situation that your partner can fix without some direct discussion and input from the son.

KylieKoKo · 25/02/2022 13:41

I think your dp should take him out for a walk or for dinner and have a chat about why he didn't want to stay. It could be the room sharing or it could be something else. He might just shrug and grunt (as I would have done at 15) but at least it would help him to feel like his views matter to you.

It might be that a different pattern of contact is more appropriate. My teen DSDs rarely stay for a whole weekend and if they do they are often out with friends in the day. Instead they are more like to come over for dinner in the week. And one of their best friends lives closer to here so the older DSD will stay here after going to her house sometimes if she can't be bothered to walk to her mum's. A strict schedule with no flex that was designed with the needs of a primary school child in mind might not be fit for purpose for a teenager.

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