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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSD no longer wants to come over as much

44 replies

AWOIF · 25/02/2022 12:44

DSD is 15, we have 2 bedroom house so when he comes over he has to share with his younger Sibling (DD).
Over half term he was with us, a few days in he told his Dad he was going home to help his Mum. He left with his stuff (about a 15 min bike ride). His Mum then calls and has a go at DP saying why has he come back? And he needs to stay with us because she hadn't had anytime with her DP. So she drove him back.
He's 15 now and I get the impression he doesn't really like coming over anymore.
How would you suggest DP handles the situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

AWOIF · 25/02/2022 13:43

@toomuchlaundry of course our plan wasnt to remain in a 2 bedroom house, but shit happens and we now cannot afford to move!

OP posts:

Original poster

AWOIF · 25/02/2022 13:46

@kyliekoko yes I agree, he has an active social life, he also enjoys spending lots of time on the game console. I think DP should talk to him about what he prefers and if there are any issues he has being here

OP posts:

FairyCakeWings · 25/02/2022 13:48

Your dp needs to talk to him to find out why he doesn’t want to stay.

Take the issue of the bedroom out of it, you already know it’s out of order to make a 15 year old boy share his little sisters bedroom so you can solve one problem straight away.

Then find out if it’s because he wants to spend time with friends closer to his mums, in which case, how can that be facilitated when he’s with his dad? Is it because he doesn’t see the point because he isn’t getting quality time with his dad? Does he dislike having to fit in around a much younger child? Or is it just that he’s growing up and wants to stay in his own space?

Littlepaws18 · 25/02/2022 13:52

I think op it's a great idea for your daughter to share your room when your DSS is over. Maybe a blow up mattress would work? Your DSS is getting of age where he probably naturally won't want to come over as much as his weekend social life starts growing, as he's only here EOW your house is perfectly adaptable for the situation, this probably will only be an issue for the next three years or so.

Missey85 · 25/02/2022 13:59

I'd pick mums house over sharing with a little girl if I was him too at his age he also probably wants to see his mates not hang out at dads

idril · 25/02/2022 14:03

@CrossStichQueen

I guess it's a bit tricky because his mum doesn't want him there

I dont think that is very fair!

It sounds like mum does the bulk of the parenting and deserves child free time just like his father. His mum had made plans when her son was supposed to be with his dad and why shouldn't she?

If his own father cannot house his own son why is that the mums fault?
Why go on to have a second child if you cannot put a roof over your existing child's head?

Worded badly! No judgment of his mum on my part.

What I should have said is that it's tricky because his mum would like a bit of time to herself or with her partner so my initial statement that it's a normal progression that teenage children don't want to spend as much time with the non-resident parent (or the resident parent even!) isn't quite that simple.

Hence my suggestion that he could go to a friend's house instead.

It's not the mum's fault that the dad can't house his own children but equally it's not the child's fault.

I also think it's not purely down to the sleeping arrangments. I think no matter what, the DSS would not be wanting to spend as much time with his dad.

Finallylostit · 25/02/2022 20:25

Age related, space related and a lack of planning by your DP and you to be honest but all a bit late now.

Time for DP to put on his big boy pants and talk to his son about what is bothering him and future plans.

Coming round and playing on his console in his Dads house is often what teen boys want. In their fathers house being normal not some forced time where we have to do something.

The loser in this is your DSS who in 3 years will be off in the big wide world - so no need to buy a bigger place and everything will be ok.

Really struggle to understand why people do not consider space before any family additions and sort it out before this arises.

ilovemyboys3 · 25/02/2022 21:19

Pop the Step son in the living room on a sofa bed or blow up mattress. Your dd shouldn't lose her bedroom just because he comes to stay. He has his own bedroom with his mum. DD deserves a bedroom of her own too.
The step son can then game til his hearts content late evening/early morning etc. you shouldn't kick your daughter out of her bed and bedroom. The step son is 15, naturally he will start to want to stay less.
Why does mum need childfree time with a 15 year old. He can look after himself, she doesn't need babysitters now and can come and go as he pleases. Heck he could have a job and get married and have babies in a year! Stop treating him like a baby.

RedWingBoots · 25/02/2022 22:11

He is 15

The thing is whether you live 15 mins away or 15 hours away, his base location is his mum's house.

He is more likely to stay at yours if his mum quits doing things like driving him back if he turns up at hers, as he will feel he has more choice and feels more in control of which parent he stays with.

So there is actually nothing you and your DP can do except give him the choice when he wants to turn up, then offer him the living room or to share with your younger child if he wants to stay over.

The only thing someone can imply and it cannot be any of the adults but someone in his own age group is that he wants his mum to have a partner so he can get on with his own life without too much interference.

Btw Tattler2 doesn't live in the UK so is unaware of UK housing pressure.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 25/02/2022 23:01

It's not really appropriate to have him share with his younger sister.

If you can't divide one of the rooms to give him his own space, then I think you need to get a decent sofa bed and then he has your room while you and his dad sleep in the living room while he stays.

Putting him on the sofa bed will only say to him that he's not really part of your family.

Doodar · 25/02/2022 23:23

The Dss should be quite independent at 15, don't know why his mum is kicking off.she can leave him on his own, or he's gaming.
inappropriate he's sharing with your DD at his age

ilovemyboys3 · 26/02/2022 06:32

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

It's not really appropriate to have him share with his younger sister.

If you can't divide one of the rooms to give him his own space, then I think you need to get a decent sofa bed and then he has your room while you and his dad sleep in the living room while he stays.

Putting him on the sofa bed will only say to him that he's not really part of your family.

Why would he want to sleep in his step mum and dads bed. Neither of my two step Children would ever want to do this. They'd rather have the living room and big tele at 15. At 15 he just wants to be at home in his own space unfortunately. Perhaps stop making sleepovers mandatory and invite him on days out and for dinner and say you'll drop him home. I think you'll find he will be more willing.

MaltyChrome · 26/02/2022 07:31

Sort out the sleeping arrangements and see if that changes things if not he's 15 he knows his own mind. DH could always go and take him out for lunch or something if he hates it at yours. He'll have to up his maintenance payments if not having overnights.

GeneLovesJezebel · 26/02/2022 07:34

The poor lad should be able to be wherever he wants to be, not where he’s told to be.
When I was in this situation my DM’s house was home, I didn’t want to stay at DF’s.

Northernsoullover · 26/02/2022 07:42

The room thing has been covered. It's absolutely natural at that age for them to want to stay at one house. Its harder for the parent that used to have free time but now has to stay at home for an older but not quite old enough to be left overnight child.
I warned a few friends that this would probably happen as it happened to me. Doesn't mean they don't love the other parent.
They like having a room to chill in and do whatever teenage boys do in. For this reason I can't see giving him sole use of a room that isn't his working. However, even if you did carve him a permanent room it might not mean he wants to stay more.
I wouldn't want to be moving from one place to another no matter how nice it is. I'm settled in my surroundings and as an almost adult I'm sure it's the same for your stepson.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2022 08:04

Why would he want to sleep in his step mum and dads bed. Neither of my two step Children would ever want to do this. They'd rather have the living room and big tele at 15.

Because then he has some privacy which you don't get in the living room as everyone else has to use that space too.

Teenagers like to sleep in - he can't do that if the family and his step sister are up and about early, for example.

I'm not saying it's ideal but it should be presented as an option for him so he has his own space away from his step sister when he comes to visit.

MsHampton · 26/02/2022 08:54

I was a kid who didn't have a room or even my own bed at one of my parent's houses.

I felt unwanted and awkward and very much an afterthought. I very rarely stayed over and went there less and less because it wasn't my home.

Other friends back then had two homes, two bedrooms (some shared) but theirs. Same with friends with step kids now and it mostly works well.

I get that you feel that people have been harsh @AWOIF and that you can't change past decisions but surely you can see why people are picking up on this?

The adults have made choices in living arrangements that don't include your stepson properly. Whatever the intention was/is it doesn't really matter, it's how he feels about it and I get the sense that no-one's really asking him.

KindlyKanga · 26/02/2022 09:16

Just let him go where he wants and treat him like the adult you hope he becomes not the child he was.

KylieKoKo · 26/02/2022 10:55

@KindlyKanga

Just let him go where he wants and treat him like the adult you hope he becomes not the child he was.

They did and his mum sent him back ....

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