Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Advise from step-parents

93 replies

SallyAnn32 · 22/02/2022 20:27

Just posting for a bit of advice from an actual step parent. My DD really dislikes her dad's GF. To the point she has stopped seeing him when GF is there. Back story is they don't live together and they've been together for 2 years but DD only met GF late last year. EXH won't accept that DD dislikes his GF and would rather leave without DD and return to
His house without her than ask his GF to stay home when DD is there. GF is also the reason DD1 doesn't see her dad. I understand as ex says it isn't DD's choice who he sees but surely they must both feel pretty rubbish about this situation. I just don't know how to approach this situation. Ex is very hostile towards me. I can't have a chat with GF as she was the OW so I have nothing to do with her. I'm happily moved on and have a lovely BF. Thankfully his child accepts me so I can't use my experience as a guide.

Have any of you experienced this with your children or step children and how did the situation get resolved?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 23/02/2022 12:37

@5thnonblonde I agree. 'Some' people who have affairs think it's all rainbows and sunshine once the dust has settled but in many cases this doesn't happen. Sadly this is my situation. Hats off to those rare few who it's worked well for.

Also hats off to all those step parents out there. We're not trying to stereotype. It's bloody tough going.

OP posts:

5thnonblonde · 23/02/2022 12:45

@SallyAnn32 I think perhaps you missed part of the point of my post though. When I say you’ll have to eat shit… yeah, you will have to.

You say you won’t have anything to do with this woman and I will see if your kids pick up on that? Have you ever met her for a coffee or anything? I met mine before she met my DC and I found it helpful. I asked to meet her bcs I said all I knew about her was this one horrible thing and the idea of the kids meeting her was awful on those terms. It was hard and letting go of the resentment isn’t easy and can’t be rushed but will have to happen one day.

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 23/02/2022 12:56

@5thnonblonde I knew her briefly before. I don't ever want to see her again. But I accept I will have to. But no, the kids don't pick up on it. When DD met her I wasn't told beforehand and had to hear it from my DD. I just said how lovely, hope you had fun. What was your favourite thing about her etc. and kept it positive. Then cried to my DP when the kids were in bed. As parents we're experts at masking our upset. And when I know she's going to see her I've always said have fun etc and told my DD I was pleased she liked her. Since then DD has changed her tune for the reasons posted above.

OP posts:

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 13:00

But I accept I will have to you don't necessarily. Only if DD invite her to family gatherings. I've only seen my DSC's mum once from afar. She's spouted vile nonsense about me and my child so I will probably not attend any family gatherings weddings etc and tell the DSC it's for the best.

FleshLiabilities · 23/02/2022 13:33

The crux of this is that your ex is being an arsehole. His first allegiance should be to his daughters a and he should not be forcing them to meet his girlfriend. If he won't countenance meeting his kids without his girlfriend being there, then he has to face the consequences.

When you have kids, it's a big commitment and a lifelong one. You give up some freedoms and must be prepared to put your kids first for ever.

SpaceshiptoMars · 23/02/2022 13:51

His first allegiance should be to his daughters a and he should not be forcing them to meet his girlfriend.

Defining things in terms of allegiances is not helpful, going forward. When he is an old man, he will perhaps be relying on this woman for intimate care. At that point, he will have needed to have considered her needs too.

dreamkitchenhelp · 23/02/2022 16:00

I am a DSM if nearly 25 years, our kids are grown up. Luckily the kids were great with me, we have had our ups and downs like any family.
When they were about your children's age, I made sure we did fun things and gave them time with their dad without me. But I loved them from day 1 and I wasn't the other OW. They didn't like my DH previous GF so I think I was a welcome change.
From what you are saying I am not sure the GF is putting in the effort.
They need 1:1 with their DF, I think this is key here.

Crimesean · 23/02/2022 16:14

You sound like a great mum, far better than your XH deserves! I think you're handling it really well, although I agree with PP, don't put him on a pedestal, he'll only disappoint your DDs when they see he's only human.

user47000000000 · 25/02/2022 19:37

sideorderofchips
Do you want your dd to form a relationship with her SM or is it too painful for you?

Does she know your feelings?

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 25/02/2022 22:15

@user47000000000 I'm my case I don't particularly think she's a nice person but if she's prepared to love and care for my DD's then I'm happy for them to see eachother. A child can never have too much love. But alas, she's make it clear she's not a nice person but DD's dad won't hear of any bad word against her. Even when the police spoke to him about her being awful to me he didn't believe it. Hoping this limerance ends soon so he can become a better person and meet someone nice.

OP posts:

Sideorderofchips · 26/02/2022 12:39

As far as my kids are concerned they don't want a relationship with her and she isn't their step mum

This is their choice. They love their dad but as eldest has said she will never forgive what his girlfriend did to me whilst pretending to be my friend

Throwmealifejacket · 27/02/2022 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sideorderofchips · 27/02/2022 14:55

As much as I understand your words I am not going into my situation. My eldest is 15 and very much made her own mind up.

user47000000000 · 02/03/2022 20:40

throwmealifejacket same here. And sure it’s the case with OP.

Pinkyxx · 02/03/2022 23:15

@SallyAnn32 FWIW in terms of your daughters knowing she is the OW.. my ex's wife was the OW but I ensured DD never knew this. DD was so little when we separated she has no memory of her parents together. I succeeded until she was a teenager. As she got older, she pieced together a timeline and reached the conclusion her Father must have been having an affair. She saw this realization as further validation of her already entrenched belief her Father is a selfish man who only considers himself - a course of conduct that sat right along side with his persistently dismissing her feelings, cancelling contact, never turning up at school events, refusing to see her alone and million other things... You can't always hide these things, and sometimes the truth is easier to contend with than a blurry picture that doesn't make sense. No amount of ''positivity'' can trump a child's experience.

What I am trying to say is don't deny her reality, but in the same way don't feed it either. All you can do is encourage a relationship with their Father, help them understand none of us is perfect, insist they uphold your family values with everyone such as being kind, polite, respectful even to those we do not particularly like. You may have to accept this can't be resolved, or at least that it's not within your power to resolve. Your ex is responsible for his relationship with his daughters - not you. He must decide how he responds to his daughter's when they express their needs.

Finallylostit · 02/03/2022 23:22

The kids work things out themselves - they do not need their parents to tell them half the time. So stop blaming the OP.

The OW in my case was a family friend - we did family things together, been on group camping holidays, DCs same age, same school etc.

My 7yr old a few months to work it out. Daddy went from sleeping in our bed and house one night to two nights sleeping in a new house with the OW.
Clearly remember he came back and said - Daddy is having an fair ( his pronunciation) with OW. I hate her - gave good reasons - she shouted at him, he had no bed, she was rude about me etc etc.
I had never said a word. They are not stupid.
Eldest influenced youngest with out a doubt but I never said a word. Now teenagers - they ask questions and I answer them honestly - do not underestimate what DCs work out and form there own opinions on. Eldest started refusing to go and he hated her. I had never said a bad word about her until recently.

TwoDots · 06/03/2022 10:34

Op, I’m not sure inviting your ex over for dinner and to join you in days out us ever going to help the situation or have I read that wrong?

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 06/03/2022 12:37

@TwoDots that was just me clutching at straws to try and improve the relationship with the kids and their dad. To show a United front and two parents who get on so they don't feel they need to side. If they was their thought. It's certainly not the impression we have given.

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 06/03/2022 13:22

@Pinkyxx, excellent post.

My experience of step parenting is that when there are issues it is often due to the lack of relationship between the natural parent and the child. If the dad is disregarding their feelings they will take out their negative feelings on the person that they are less connected to - OW or SM.

Whilst you can be positive you can't deny their reality. If their father and OW don't have the skills or empathy to build closeness can you really be responsible?

My dc are not keen on time with SM. Just not interested and see no appeal in bonding with Dads gf but there are polite. However their dad wisely limits the time with SM so it works. Reasons the dc give are, Ex is different when SM around & SM is dominant character and they don't have much in common with a middle aged woman. They were pre teen/teens when Ex tried to blend.

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 06/03/2022 15:59

Thanks @Fireflygal that's all really interesting and useful to know. No they don't seem to lack the capacity to put DD emotional needs first.

@Pinkyxx - it wasn't me who told my Dd's that she was the OW.

I'm positive about the OW because as I've already said, I believe it's the right thing for all children to have positive relationships with both parents. Selfishly, I would also love some down time because being a 24/7 mum to my daughters, no matter how much I love them, is intense.

OP posts:

PinkPupZ · 06/03/2022 16:08

I think it is right to tell the truth re OW. It will come out eventually as it always does. Best just to be matter of fact. But its not your mess to fix, it is ex. He caused this mess. Leave him to it.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 06/03/2022 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 06/03/2022 16:35

Apologies OP as someone may have already said this, and I've just quickly skim read, but I wonder if it's your ex that's keen on having his girlfriend there because he's not used to parenting alone?

I've got 2 step kids, and I think an awful lot of them, but DH and I used to have some shocking rows about them because we were coming at it from different angles.

He used to have them every other weekend (they're adults now) so whilst I'd be around to say hi and have a ten minute catch up, I didn't join in with days out, cinema trips, family visits etc because they were coming to see their dad and I didn't want to encroach on that. Years ago I'd been a child who never got to see her dad alone, so really felt like it mattered that I used that experience.
DH, however, wanted me there because he just wasn't used to thinking up ideas or being around them without another adult. He felt I was coming over as not wanting to be involved, which was utter rubbish. A child shouldn't have to say they want some time with just their parent, it should be a given. When my DSC said they'd like me to do things then I absolutely did and loved their company, but I never wanted them to feel like they had to share what limited time they had with their dad, when I got to see him every day.

Women who drip all over their new partners whilst some poor kiddies are still struggling to process that mum and dad aren't together any more, In my opinion need to grow up.
I hope it works out for you and your Ex starts listening, as you know it's about the DC not him, hopefully he'll realise this before the damage becomes irreparable.

Pinkyxx · 06/03/2022 17:53

@SallyAnn32 I understand it wasn't you who told your children & that you are positive about Dad & GF. in view of some of the unhelpful responses you received, my point was that the fact your DC know the GF is the OW isn't necessarily relevant to their disliking her.

Single parenting is intense and it's not at all selfish to want a break. It's just sometimes helpful to separate what you can influence/fix and what you can't. Here I think the only person who can fix this issue is your ex. All you can do is encourage & support.

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 06/03/2022 18:22

@NarcissasMumintheDoghouse thank you 💕 I'm sorry to hear your children dealt with something similar. I hope their relationship is better now that she's out of the picture? I just hope my ex and his GF split up, or he realises what she's doing and he reverts back to being a really good dad.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4