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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advise from step-parents

93 replies

SallyAnn32 · 22/02/2022 20:27

Just posting for a bit of advice from an actual step parent. My DD really dislikes her dad's GF. To the point she has stopped seeing him when GF is there. Back story is they don't live together and they've been together for 2 years but DD only met GF late last year. EXH won't accept that DD dislikes his GF and would rather leave without DD and return to
His house without her than ask his GF to stay home when DD is there. GF is also the reason DD1 doesn't see her dad. I understand as ex says it isn't DD's choice who he sees but surely they must both feel pretty rubbish about this situation. I just don't know how to approach this situation. Ex is very hostile towards me. I can't have a chat with GF as she was the OW so I have nothing to do with her. I'm happily moved on and have a lovely BF. Thankfully his child accepts me so I can't use my experience as a guide.

Have any of you experienced this with your children or step children and how did the situation get resolved?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 23/02/2022 07:13

What is HER DAD doing to reassure/preserve his own relationship with her etc?

Jeez! This is is relationship to manage! Wow. Our expectations of men as parents is so low!

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 08:32

I have stepchildren and told them off for playing with my DC's toys. They were playing roughly with them and I didn't want them broken for my DC. That isn't a bad thing. It depends how she told them off I guess.

Anyway. If dad won't have one to one time with them he won't repair the relationship. It could just be a meal out to start with. But it's up to him. Your kids shouldn't have been told she was the OW at that age. No wonder the poor kids are confused.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 08:34

But to be honest this is his problem to solve not yours. All you can do is make them available should he want to try and repair the relationship.

Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 23/02/2022 09:03

Thanks for your advice everyone.

For those having a go - a fully expected it but hoped for some constructive advice along the way. Thank you to those of you who have given really good advice. It's appreciated and helpful.

I agree that it is his battle to fight but he's not doing a great job right now so I feel I owe it to DD's to fight their corner for them and for the last couple of years that's what have been doing. I could do the easy route and not bother but that's unfair to them. However my fight is wearing thin.

OP posts:
SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 09:18

I agree that it is his battle to fight but he's not doing a great job right now so I feel I owe it to DD's to fight their corner for them and for the last couple of years that's what have been doing so what have you been doing? I wouldn't bother trying to talk to his new partner. And try and keep it factual when you communicate. If they are willing to go and have lunch alone with him then tell him that? Just wondering what it is you are doing when you "fight their corner". Is he being insistent that they come and visit?

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 09:19

Sorry miss quoted you there but hopefully you get the gist.

Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 23/02/2022 10:17

@SugarAndCoffee

I agree that it is his battle to fight but he's not doing a great job right now so I feel I owe it to DD's to fight their corner for them and for the last couple of years that's what have been doing so what have you been doing? I wouldn't bother trying to talk to his new partner. And try and keep it factual when you communicate. If they are willing to go and have lunch alone with him then tell him that? Just wondering what it is you are doing when you "fight their corner". Is he being insistent that they come and visit?
Inviting him over for dinner with the kids, inviting him on days out, offering additional nights or afternoons, making the kids available on special occasions, talking positively about him to them every single day to put him on a pedestal in their head (especially with DD1 who has cut herself off from him), doing ALL the encouragement when he's at the door with his hands in his pockets and DD2 refuses to go. The list goes on really.
OP posts:
SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 10:20

Oh bless. That sounds like you're doing all you should and more. Is he taking up any of your offers?

5thnonblonde · 23/02/2022 10:27

My ex is living with the woman who was the OW. My kids know because I didn’t want there to be a secret that came out when they were older. They were babies when it happened and have just always been told in a matter of fact way that mummy and daddy were married but daddy had a girlfriend which made mummy a bit sad for a while but now we are all ok. We do kids parties all together and she sees me chat with the woman. I dont like it particularly but I don’t wish to create either a loyalty bind or a family secret and obviously I don’t have the luxury of some sort of dry run at parenting so here we are!

Mine like both their dad and his gf and seem fine with it all- maybe you could make a show of socialising a little with the woman to show them it’s all ok?

Onlyrainbows · 23/02/2022 10:30

I have two step kids. I think they were pretty indifferent at the start, but warmed up to me. My DSS has had periods of not wanting to see his dad (but that's ancient history now). We all live happily after one very difficult year of all adjusting to our new roles. Their DM did force him to see his dad, but was never kept to herself her opinions about me. I didn't let that affect my relationship with my SKs at the time. The tables have turned in such a way that now my DSS confides with us of how much his stepdad "intrudes" in his life and doesn't really like that, he sometimes even prefers to be with us!

Tattler2 · 23/02/2022 11:29

OP, do not try to put dad on a pedestal . She will only be able to make peace with the situation when she realizes that he is just an ordinary man with both virtues and flaws. His flaws cause him to sometimes do things that cause pain for the people that he loves, but even when he does the painful things he never stops loving his children.

Putting parents on a pedestal only makes the fall from grace that much harder to understand and accept. We do better when our children recognize that we are just ordinary people capable of doing both good and sometimes not so good.

You cannot fix your daughter's relationship with her father. He damaged that relationship and it is his responsibility to repair the relationship. What you can do is to help your daughter better understand human nature.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 11:45

Mine like both their dad and his gf and seem fine with it all- maybe you could make a show of socialising a little with the woman to show them it’s all ok? don't think you have to do this to show it's all ok. What you're doing is more than enough.

ChickenStripper · 23/02/2022 11:57

@5thnonblonde

My ex is living with the woman who was the OW. My kids know because I didn’t want there to be a secret that came out when they were older. They were babies when it happened and have just always been told in a matter of fact way that mummy and daddy were married but daddy had a girlfriend which made mummy a bit sad for a while but now we are all ok. We do kids parties all together and she sees me chat with the woman. I dont like it particularly but I don’t wish to create either a loyalty bind or a family secret and obviously I don’t have the luxury of some sort of dry run at parenting so here we are!

Mine like both their dad and his gf and seem fine with it all- maybe you could make a show of socialising a little with the woman to show them it’s all ok?

Mine like both their dad and his gf and seem fine with it all- maybe you could make a show of socialising a little with the woman to show them it’s all ok?

Flipping heck !😱 As you say though yours were babies so wouldn't remember a different life.

Socialise with the OW 😂

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 11:58

Not sure the OW would necessarily want to socialise with OP either.

5thnonblonde · 23/02/2022 12:00

@ChickenStripper it’s obviously not something I’d be doing if kids weren’t involved! I wonder how recent OP’s situation is. I’m 6+ years out now and have remarried, new job, whole different life really which absolutely helps.

5thnonblonde · 23/02/2022 12:01

@SugarAndCoffee well, no… maybe don’t fuck married guys if you can’t hack a few awkward kids’ parties/sports days etc…

QuirkyTurtle · 23/02/2022 12:02

I hate posts like this. They are so one-sided and unhelpful and reduce stepmothers to the stereotype.

I'm sorry this is your situation but it's pretty useless to have a constructive discussion without knowing the details.

vesperlindor · 23/02/2022 12:04

I wasn't the OW and been a SM a long time but have had similar in the past with my DSS not wanting to come here / see me, and it's also recently happened with another child in my family - refusing to see dad once he got a new partner (even though they took it very slow and she liked the new partner initially). I think the ages yours are at are tricky - old enough to understand what's going on, but not old enough to be able to process it properly emotionally. DSS was fine when very young, but once he got old enough to understand the relationships between me, his dad and his mum (and he's really close to his mum), it got more difficult.

DH has always listened to what DSS wants, so if that's not seeing me / coming over for a while he's just taken him for days out or weekends away instead. The other family situation is still ongoing, and after about 18 months the child is gradually starting to spend a little bit of time with dad and partner, but again at her pace, and mostly with her dad just on their own.

I really think all you can do is to continue being positive about their dad (though gritted teeth!) so they feel they have a choice to restart the visits without 'disappointing' you in any way, and encourage their dad to have 1 on 1 time with them if he wants to keep any kind of relationship. Very very difficult if he's insistent on including the girlfriend in the relationship when it's clearly not what your DDs want right now, he runs the risk of alienating them both completely.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 12:16

[quote 5thnonblonde]@SugarAndCoffee well, no… maybe don’t fuck married guys if you can’t hack a few awkward kids’ parties/sports days etc…[/quote]
You don't have to go to the awkward sports days etc. You can't force someone to socialise with you even if they are the OW.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 12:17

I'm not the OW but he'll would freeze before I socialised with mum. There's no need for me to ever speak to her.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 12:18

Hell obviously

Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 23/02/2022 12:26

[quote 5thnonblonde]@ChickenStripper it’s obviously not something I’d be doing if kids weren’t involved! I wonder how recent OP’s situation is. I’m 6+ years out now and have remarried, new job, whole different life really which absolutely helps.[/quote]
Almost 3 years. As I said in my OP, I have moved on and very happily as well. Ex and I are amicable and get on well aside from this. We speak quite a lot about various things.

OP posts:
Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 23/02/2022 12:28

@vesperlindor

I wasn't the OW and been a SM a long time but have had similar in the past with my DSS not wanting to come here / see me, and it's also recently happened with another child in my family - refusing to see dad once he got a new partner (even though they took it very slow and she liked the new partner initially). I think the ages yours are at are tricky - old enough to understand what's going on, but not old enough to be able to process it properly emotionally. DSS was fine when very young, but once he got old enough to understand the relationships between me, his dad and his mum (and he's really close to his mum), it got more difficult.

DH has always listened to what DSS wants, so if that's not seeing me / coming over for a while he's just taken him for days out or weekends away instead. The other family situation is still ongoing, and after about 18 months the child is gradually starting to spend a little bit of time with dad and partner, but again at her pace, and mostly with her dad just on their own.

I really think all you can do is to continue being positive about their dad (though gritted teeth!) so they feel they have a choice to restart the visits without 'disappointing' you in any way, and encourage their dad to have 1 on 1 time with them if he wants to keep any kind of relationship. Very very difficult if he's insistent on including the girlfriend in the relationship when it's clearly not what your DDs want right now, he runs the risk of alienating them both completely.

Thank you. This is the sort of feedback I wanted. Not like PP said to put SM's in a bad light. As I've said my DP as a child and I myself am a SM but our relationship is polar opposite to the one my DD's have with their dad.
OP posts:
Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 23/02/2022 12:30

@SugarAndCoffee

I'm not the OW but he'll would freeze before I socialised with mum. There's no need for me to ever speak to her.
I won't be socialising with her for the foreseeable. If I ever come across her if I need to go to ex's house for whatever reason then I will just be polite and say hello so DD wouldn't pick up on any awkwardness. But I'd draw the line at anything else. She's been beyond awful to me these last couple of years to the point the police have been involved. The children don't know about any of that and they won't until they're adults and only then if they ask!
OP posts:
5thnonblonde · 23/02/2022 12:31

I haven’t forced her! I guess my point is that I don’t particularly want to socialise with her or vice versa but we are far from most ppl’s ‘ideal’ set up and making the best of where we are. It sucks for OPbut the shitty thing about infidelity with kids is that long after the initial hurt everyone on all sides is probably still going to have to swallow a lot of shit quite frankly to keep the kids happy.