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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do I tell DP I don't want to live with her because of her DD

39 replies

NairobiMH · 21/02/2022 08:02

Her DD is 10, my DS is 6. We have begun discussing a possibility in the future of living together. I've always found her DD tough but over the past 6 months it's become too much. Especially when she gets with my DS.

Part of the problem I've come to realise is my DP not bringing her up on her attitude and rudeness. She overpowers my DD and when he asks her to stop she doesn't. I end up stepping in and saying something but DP doesn't. She's extremely manipulative, when my DP has told her off she then either says she hates her or that she doesn't want to be here anymore (this isn't the case whenever she isn't being told off and it stops when DP cuddles her after)

Finding it tough to play games as a 4. If she wins she jumps up and down literally screaming she has won repeatedly which upsets DS but he doesn't say anything. If she loses she stamps her feet and sulks and refuses to join in.

She bosses DS. I know this is normal but it's extreme. DP has actually told her not to. She sulks about fairness which I try and do for both of them but I find DP undermines and let's her DD have whatever or do whatever but if it was the other way my DP was get annoyed.

My and DP get on just fine but when we are all together EOW I dread it. Its so stressful and I feel sorry for DS.

How do I discuss this with DP without he'll breaking lose. I really don't want to live together but feel that is going to be the end of our relationship. Just for context we are a same set couple and primary caregivers.

OP posts:

TrufflesAndToast · 21/02/2022 08:11

Don’t subject your son to sharing his childhood with this girl. You are going to need to keep your relationship entirely separate to him and stop trying to blend your lives with thus other family. It won’t work and will seriously damage your son’s childhood. Just back away. Your relationship may not survive as you’ll probably have to be honest about it but sadly that’s what may need to happen. Put your sim first - this cannot in any way be a good move for him.

GrazingSheep · 21/02/2022 08:13

Who is your priority - your son or your partner?

Original poster

NairobiMH · 21/02/2022 08:15

@GrazingSheep

Who is your priority - your son or your partner?

DS will always come first

OP posts:

Ragwort · 21/02/2022 08:21

Put your DS first, if 'all hell will break loose' if you discuss the issues then is this person really right for you to be in a relationship with? You can still continue to 'date' but moving in together would not be good for your DS (or you).

PacificState · 21/02/2022 08:23

I think it's fair enough. It's your son's childhood, he only gets one of them and he should be able to spend it in a home where he feels loved and supported.

I know if might not feel like it right now but the next five years will go by really quickly. Before you know it he will be 11 and she will be 15 and the whole dynamic might have totally changed. She might actually be pretty frightened and discombobulated too right now (seeing her dad pay attention to a woman and child who aren't her family either) and that could be causing her to act out.

I think you just say that the dynamic between them is really painful and isn't working well right now and that for now any plans to move in together have to be on hold. Maybe say your son needs some weekends where he's the sole focus of your attention as well. If you focus on your son's wellbeing, not criticism of her, your DP should be able to understand. If he can't understand you wanting to ensure your son's happiness, he might not be the right man in the long run anyway - blended families need a lot of empathy and patience from both adults.

HollowTalk · 21/02/2022 08:24

I wouldn't want to live with that girl either! And it will be far worse for your son because he will be expected to play with her.

PacificState · 21/02/2022 08:29

Also, you know, you're entitled to want nice weekends for you as well! If it's hellish, it's not working. You're probably all miserable with it, and you all deserve weekends where you can relax and recuperate. It doesn't mean you have to split up, but this will be a test of how much your DP is willing to put the work in with you to make this work. Will he sit down with you and think about how weekends can work differently, even if that means the two of you aren't spending every weekend together? If you're in this for life, a few years while you both prioritise your young children should be something you can work around.

PermanentTemporary · 21/02/2022 08:31

I agree it's not going to be a good conversation. Can you just say that you don't see yourself living with someone else whoever they are until your ds is a lot older? Your relationship may still not survive but it might feel less personal.

I'd also prioritise your son's activities and friends more. Could he have a friend over while your dp and her dd are there? Or go to a friend's house? Take them to watch him do an activity or whatever? Or an activity that the dd can do as well (though perhaps not in the same group).

Im pretty ruthless for my son's wellbeing so my reactions may not be normal but I would just systematically reduce the chances of him having to spend significant time with someone who treats him badly and is only there because of my needs IYSWIM.

gamerchick · 21/02/2022 08:34

There is no law that says people have to live together. You don't have to. Keep it seperate.

PacificState · 21/02/2022 08:38

Sorry, just realised I got the sex of your DP wrong! Apologies

ToastieSnowy · 21/02/2022 08:39

For you your DS comes first, for her her DD comes first. It could be behaviours from DD because of this situation she’s in after all she’s still a child.

For now reduce the time the kids are together so each will have the attention from their own parent. You can still date just give the kids their space. Moving in together at this stage would be a bad move.

TrufflesAndToast · 21/02/2022 08:41

Im pretty ruthless for my son's wellbeing so my reactions may not be normal

Surely normal should be being ruthless about our kids’ well-being It’s sad how often that isn’t the case on here when it comes to relationships.

olympicsrock · 21/02/2022 08:43

Hell no don’t move in together. That would be so miserable for your child.

QuirkyTurtle · 21/02/2022 08:48

Agree with the previous poster who said you don't need to live together! If you can manage financially, I don't see why you wouldn't live separately until the kids are older!

rookiemere · 21/02/2022 08:50

You absolutely cannot move in together, but you don't need to say so bluntly that it's because of her DD. Just say that the DCs don't appear to get on so it would be unfair to force them to live together. If that prompts the end of the relationship then so be it, you can't put your DS or yourself through that, and I'd lose respect and love pretty quickly for someone who allowed their DC to behave like that.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 21/02/2022 08:57

Sibling relationships are hard enough to manage in ‘original’ families, and really really hard in blended families.

It’s likely that the Dd is not really behaving much differently to other 10 year olds, but just as your Ds is having an older domineering step sister brought into his life, she is seeing her Mum take on step-mothering of a younger child when she has grown up with her full attention.

I think you need to talk to your Dp about not being ready for creating a blended family, and the implications of that, rather than making her Dd the cause of it.

Sadly it may be that she doesn’t want a relationship that is not on a live together basis, but it is a risk either way because if your Ds is unhappy and you are unhappy for him the live together option will end in tears anyway…but with more destruction in its trail, given the upheaval for the children.

Personally I think it is very hard on children put into new families based on the feelings of adults for each other and not on the kids’ needs or preferences.

OinkyO · 21/02/2022 09:03

If you can't discuss it without it leading to drama and the end of the relationship then the relationship isn't right for you

Poll4 · 21/02/2022 10:31

I honestly wouldn't bother with moving in. Just keep the relationship separate. Why should your son be made to live in that environment?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2022 10:38

Obviously, you can never live together because it would be horrible for your child, and for you. It simply won't ever happen. You need to be honest with your partner, and if the relationship has to end, so be it.

Your son's wellbeing comes first, and you know that living together will not work.

Original poster

NairobiMH · 21/02/2022 11:14

I know in the long term it would never work to live together. There would be so much resentment. And my DS would bear the brunt of her DD moods and entitlement. I don't want him to grow up in a home environment like that.
Atm my DS likes playing with her and I have told him to stand up for himself a bit more which he has begun doing. I just wish my DP would also call out the bad behaviour because she would do that to my DS if he was ever rude. My DP is really love with my DS so no issues there. It's just her DD being rude, entitled, manipulative and defiant.

Don't get me wrong there are times where she is lovely and sweet but that is mostly when my DS is at his dad's and she has mine and DP whole attention.

We have a pretty big holiday booked for the end of the year, we were suppose to go last December but got moved due to Covid. Tbh I am already dreading it, which I shouldn't.

OP posts:

Redwinestillfine · 21/02/2022 11:21

You don't. Just finish the relationship. It's not going to work long-term.

Ramalamadingdongs · 21/02/2022 11:26

Your child is being bullied by this girl and your response was "stick up for yourself". Your poor son.

lunar1 · 21/02/2022 11:32

Are you going to stand up for your DS every single time on this holiday? I can't really see what's in it for him to be honest.

If you can't have an honest conversation about behaviour how on earth are you going to be his advocate on holiday?

Tattler2 · 21/02/2022 11:55

OP, if you cannot be open and honest with your partner on any subject, that is probably a good indicator that you are not ready to live together. Not all loving relationships necessarily need to involve living together. You can remain in the relationship without living together. Loving involves only the 2 of you; living together involves the 4 of you. You can have the one without the other.

TrufflesAndToast · 21/02/2022 13:51

@Ramalamadingdongs

Your child is being bullied by this girl and your response was "stick up for yourself". Your poor son.

Sorry OP but I winced a bit when I read that too. If a child we regularly spent time with was treating my son so badly I would come down on it like a tonne of bricks and they would no longer be welcome in our home until behaviour improved. I can’t in a million years imagine continuing to bring them around all the time and telling my poor child, in his own home, to ‘stand up for himself more’

His home should be his safe haven, this nonsense is for school. At home he should be able to relax without being picked on and treated like crap.

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