How do I tell DP I don't want to live with her because of her DD

[NairobiMH]

Her DD is 10, my DS is 6. We have begun discussing a possibility in the future of living together. I've always found her DD tough but over the past 6 months it's become too much. Especially when she gets with my DS.

Part of the problem I've come to realise is my DP not bringing her up on her attitude and rudeness. She overpowers my DD and when he asks her to stop she doesn't. I end up stepping in and saying something but DP doesn't. She's extremely manipulative, when my DP has told her off she then either says she hates her or that she doesn't want to be here anymore (this isn't the case whenever she isn't being told off and it stops when DP cuddles her after)

Finding it tough to play games as a 4. If she wins she jumps up and down literally screaming she has won repeatedly which upsets DS but he doesn't say anything. If she loses she stamps her feet and sulks and refuses to join in.

She bosses DS. I know this is normal but it's extreme. DP has actually told her not to. She sulks about fairness which I try and do for both of them but I find DP undermines and let's her DD have whatever or do whatever but if it was the other way my DP was get annoyed.

My and DP get on just fine but when we are all together EOW I dread it. Its so stressful and I feel sorry for DS.

How do I discuss this with DP without he'll breaking lose. I really don't want to live together but feel that is going to be the end of our relationship. Just for context we are a same set couple and primary caregivers.

@TrufflesAndToast

Don’t subject your son to sharing his childhood with this girl. You are going to need to keep your relationship entirely separate to him and stop trying to blend your lives with thus other family. It won’t work and will seriously damage your son’s childhood. Just back away. Your relationship may not survive as you’ll probably have to be honest about it but sadly that’s what may need to happen. Put your sim first - this cannot in any way be a good move for him.

This, all the way.

6 is such a sweet age and there are some magical years ahead. Enjoy them with him.

And agree with PP who said that if choosing not to move in will mean hell breaking loose then is your partner right for you anyway?

Moving in sounds like it would be all on your DP and DD’s terms, cause friction and end up making you and DS miserable.

@MeridianB yes you are absolutely correct it would definitely be on my DP and her DD terms. I am not willing to live like that because as my DP is always saying it should be equal and far (which ironically she is not).
Over the past month my thoughts have changed on her which is sad but her double standards are made me feel quite resentful and annoyed.

Just tell him "DS and I are not going to move in because we are not ready to live with you and your DD".

IF he asks why , you just say "because we hate all the conflict".

I'm quite sure he knows how objectionable she is; he's just hoping that if you move in, he can foist her off onto you and let him doze in the parental back seat forever. Don't be the enabler for that.

Fact is, he has to shape up as a Dad for the sake of his child.

Well I’m gonna pipe up here and say this is what I did. Refuse to blend.

The dynamic between my DP and his dd is painful. I mean - really painful. Think a 19yo flinging herself face down, on my sofa protesting at a completely benign request (from my DP) and causing a scene and total awkwardness. My kids can’t fathom it at all. It’s painful. It’s totally predictable, happens each time. At least it did. I went nuclear and said she just does not come any more due to the interaction between them.

Apart from this we would have blended by now (6yrs) but instead we live separately.

And I know that DP is a bit ‘stuck’ although he’s in counselling and attempting to improve the relationship between them.

I would say your DP/dd relationship is not necessarily that extreme. But if you know it won’t work. Really save yourself the heartbreak. Just be honest. You parent differently. It’s not meshing. No biggie. If she can’t handle that convo she isn’t any way near enough mature enough to attempt to blend families.

Your dread re: holiday means it’s probably time to scale things back and do more things separately. Perhaps tell her that you’ll ‘see how the holiday goes’ as a way of drawing attention to what works/what doesn’t.,

Blending is very complex and can’t be entered into without massively honest and robust relating.

You know what you need to do.

Our children are our vulnerable spot and children will differ with their maturity and needs. So I would tell her it’s “because of her dd”

I would probably word it as you’ve been reflecting on how challenging it is to have a blended family and what might be best for both your children, and that you think it might be best to be long term and committed couple who live in two households.

^ that should have said wouldnt tell her

It's quite obvious that both your parenting styles are very different, you have seen first hand her parenting style, long term would you want to have more children with her after seeing how she is with her current child?
I don't blame you for not moving in, blended family's can be a nightmare at the bet of times, it looks like you've got your head screwed on and know that it won't work out and cause you lots of stress/hassle and problems which you would have to deal with, I would tell it how it is, don't be emotionally blackmailed by her when she trys to purswade you it will be different because we all know it won't be

I’m a step mum. I’d have gone right off DH if he was such a shit parent. How unattractive.

Obviously don’t ever cohabit and also really consider what benefits it’s all bringing you and your son as it is.

If your son was being picked on by a much bigger 10 year old at the park or at school would you tell him to stand up for himself? As in suggest he’s somehow bringing this unacceptable behaviour on himself by being weak? I bloody well hope not.

He’s so young, he’s only going to get one precious childhood, he’s already splitting his time between you and his dad. Why put him in a situation day in day out where, in your own words, he’s being bullied? That’s awful! You’re failing him as much as your partner is failing her DD by letting this continue. Everyone can be sweet when they’re getting their own way and being showered with attention. It’s when that’s not the case that character is on full show and she’s picking on a much younger child and being allowed to get away with it.

I’m not sure what your partner is offering that’s so amazing it’s worth the price your young son is paying.

Such wise words from @AnneLovesGilbert

The bullying aspect crossed my mind, too. I would expect a much higher standard of behaviour from a 10yo with any younger children, but especially one almost half their age. And as a parent, I’d be mortified if my 10yo was repeatedly mean to a 6yo. So if your partner isn’t acting on this now, it would be so much worse if you lived together.

I wouldn't move in with them. Live apart, together, if you feel the relationship between the adults is worth saving.

I might be wrong, but I'm wondering is this is a same sex partnership you're worried about OP?

Please ignore if that is the case, but I'm just worried about a couple of things you're said.

Although, at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter who's which sex/gender in a relationship. It's all about the children. And that's what you need to put front and centre, OP.

@ItWasAgathaAllAlong Just for context we are a same set couple and primary caregivers very first post

Oops, sorry - been a busy day, very much not my usual style. I wholeheartedly apologise.

However, the problem remains the same for the OP

OP I'm so, so sorry , I missed that you are a same sex partnership. I did read your OP, but having read it again I see it was right at the end and I missed it (my mistake, not yours at all). I do apologise.

WRT your issue, you are due a lot more respect.