Our child isn't just entertainment for yours!

[HolyMoley5]

This is annoying me recently.

It's as if our son can't have a life if DSC are here.

Our son is 2 and DSC are 9 & 11. They stay with us 2 nights one week and 3 the next. Which always involves a weekend day. So Thursday Friday night one week and then usually half/ most of the day Saturday and then Thursday Friday Saturday night the next.

My step children are really good with our son and absolutely love seeing him which is really nice. But DH acts like I can't take him anywhere if DSC are there.

We obviously do some things as a family but H rarely wants to so I end up doing a lot with family and friends at the weekend. He prefers to he at home and I prefer to get out and make the most of the weekend.

So today for example:

Spent morning at home with everyone then went out about 11 with DS with family member. Got back about 2:45 and he needed a nap. He's just about to wake up.

DSC are staying tonight and so they've not really seen him all day other than this morning but will shortly for tea and the evening if they want.

DSC do say things like "aww" when they know I'm taking DS out. But I know they wouldn't literally play with him all day either (not that I'd expect them to!). And like yesterday he went to my mum's for a bit because my gran was visiting her and they were saying they couldn't wait for him to get back etc..

AIBU to think that DS isn't just there to entertain DSC when they come? It's absolutely lovely that they have a nice relationship and I'm really grateful for that but if DH isn't arsed about doing things all together at weekends then I'm not stopping DS from doing them just so he can see DSC all day (who would obviously be doing their own things during the day too like playing upstairs / online etc.)

I have a suspicious mind but if the OP is at home 'mummying' her toddler, she's probably going to mummy the others as well, at least to some extent. It's just what you do. If there are other kids in the house (whether or not they're yours), you'll feed them, get them snacks, check they're OK. It's impossible not to. So I can very easily imagine that the DH wants the OP at home when DSC are there as less for him to do.

I do see your point, he’s not their entertainment however I think you’d be upset if they showed no interest in him at all. I think there’s a middle ground that you need to find, they love their sibling and want to spend time with him! Couldn’t you do things with him on the Sunday when the step dc aren’t there or couldn’t you all have gone to your mums? I’m definitely not saying you should put your life on hold for them but you read so many posts on here where step dc either aren’t interested in a new Sibling or they actively hate them, it’s lovely that you have a successful blended family and I would be making the most of that. My dc adore my step dc but unfortunately it’s not reciprocated and it’s sad to see them feeling rejected and dh trying to do a balancing act.

She doesn't want free time. She wants to be able to carry on with visits to friends and family with her child and she can if she wants. It isn't for her H and dsc to dictate she can't

@ChocolateMassacre

I'd be tempted to leave DS with DH when your DSC are there and go out alone to catch up with friends/family.

Siblings get to spend quality time together, supervised by your DH.

You get a break and child-free time with your friends.

Problem solved !

What so... you can't take your child out because his siblings have arrived? Don't think so - what a bonkers idea

@ilovemyboys3. There's a good chance the DH would leave the OP and her DS alone to do what they wanted after a couple of days of caring for all three.

Every time I read one of these threads I'm so happy that I dumped someone early on because I didn't want to be a stepmom. Lovely man but for some reason there's always some kind of either favouritism or the exact opposite when it comes to handling the stepchildren. Like you said, if they were full siblings it would be totally normal to do one on one stuff with each child. But since they're stepkids there needs to be special treatment in case DH thinks that they are left out. Fuck that.

@Finallylostit

Who said that the SDCs are royalty - contact is not just about being with Dad - but with Dad and their family.

Not all the time - think the solution of leaving toddler with DF and going out would be my solution. He gets to parent all his DCs in isolation and you get some freetime!

But why should I do this every weekend?

It's also the only time I get to spend quality time with my child because I work, it's also the only time he gets to see family like my parents as well because they too work in the week.

I can just leave him at home every weekend with his Dad and siblings because they happen to be there then.

I can't just*

It depends on what you think your DH's motivation is, OP. Does he genuinely want your DC there to bond with his step-siblings or can he just not be bothered to entertain them himself?

@ChocolateMassacre

It depends on what you think your DH's motivation is, OP. Does he genuinely want your DC there to bond with his step-siblings or can he just not be bothered to entertain them himself?

No I don't think it's because he wants me to take care of DSC. They don't really require much hands on care these days.

I think he genuinely feels the time should be spent with all the siblings together. But it's always got an air of 'but DSC want to see him, DSC aren't here all the time, DSC this DSC that' so essentially all about them and what he thinks is best for them. Never about what our son may like to do or go or see.

It's obviously a shame my husband only sees his older children part time. But I'm certainly not forcing my child's world to be smaller than it needs to be just so they can spend all of that limited time with their siblings (who would eventually go off and do their own things anyway, they aren't just going to sit and play with a toddler all day!).

Would he be happy if you took DSC out with your DS (I'm not saying for one moment that you should have to do this, btw!)? Or does he expect you to stay in with DSC and do nothing?

In your position, I would say something like this to him, "Look DH, I know you choose to have the most boring weekends in existence and frankly that's shit for DSC. But I've chosen to do my own thing and spend time with family, which is a choice I'm entitled to make. I'm not staying in all weekend going mad with a toddler who is climbing the walls just so DSC can play with him for 10 minutes and get bored. If you want to plan some fun family days out for all of us, I'd love to come if you check in advance that we don't have anything planned."