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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Our child isn't just entertainment for yours!

36 replies

HolyMoley5 · 20/02/2022 16:45

This is annoying me recently.

It's as if our son can't have a life if DSC are here.

Our son is 2 and DSC are 9 & 11. They stay with us 2 nights one week and 3 the next. Which always involves a weekend day. So Thursday Friday night one week and then usually half/ most of the day Saturday and then Thursday Friday Saturday night the next.

My step children are really good with our son and absolutely love seeing him which is really nice. But DH acts like I can't take him anywhere if DSC are there.

We obviously do some things as a family but H rarely wants to so I end up doing a lot with family and friends at the weekend. He prefers to he at home and I prefer to get out and make the most of the weekend.

So today for example:

Spent morning at home with everyone then went out about 11 with DS with family member. Got back about 2:45 and he needed a nap. He's just about to wake up.

DSC are staying tonight and so they've not really seen him all day other than this morning but will shortly for tea and the evening if they want.

DSC do say things like "aww" when they know I'm taking DS out. But I know they wouldn't literally play with him all day either (not that I'd expect them to!). And like yesterday he went to my mum's for a bit because my gran was visiting her and they were saying they couldn't wait for him to get back etc..

AIBU to think that DS isn't just there to entertain DSC when they come? It's absolutely lovely that they have a nice relationship and I'm really grateful for that but if DH isn't arsed about doing things all together at weekends then I'm not stopping DS from doing them just so he can see DSC all day (who would obviously be doing their own things during the day too like playing upstairs / online etc.)

OP posts:

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Original poster

HolyMoley5 · 20/02/2022 16:47

To clarify this is nothing to do with DSC and what they say and everything to do with H making me feel guilty for taking DS out at the weekend when DSC are here. So a H problem.

OP posts:

Tattler2 · 20/02/2022 17:20

OP, this sounds like a difference of opinion between 2 partners. How do the 2 of you generally resolve situations when you have differing opinions? Sometimes you can agree just to disagree. Your partner can say whatever, but he cannot force you to feel guilty. The decision to respond by feeling guilty is a choice that you make.

His kids seem to have no problem with your taking your son out, and you are happy doing it. This one becomes a problem for you if you permit it do be a problem. Your partner is an adult and it is up to him to manage his dissatisfaction. His annoyance is not your problem of your situation to manage.

Adult relationships can thrive and survive even when partners do not agree in every situation.

PolkaSpace · 20/02/2022 17:31

It's really important for the family that everyone realises the 2 year old is a person in their own right. Not a toy. Not lesser of a person for being younger. You are doing the right thing keep at it. I was in a similar position and was having none of this nonsense.

CornishGem1975 · 20/02/2022 18:08

H has to suck it up. Carry on as you are doing, you're doing the right thing for your DC.

I've had similar arguments. My DH is busy with his kids activities at the weekend and I know he feels guilty for not being able to give our DC time so he often wants to drag DC to the activity, when they get NOTHING from it, it's not fun at all. I put my foot down, it didn't go well for a while but it's settled now. I'm not having my DC dragged around to ease DH's conscience!

Original poster

HolyMoley5 · 20/02/2022 18:32

Thanks!

I think he doesn't really see it because his older two seem to spend every waking minute together so the fact ours has different family / different things to do is strange.

OP posts:

IckyPeas · 20/02/2022 18:34

I have a similar set up. 2 dsc and one dc shared. I get why it's tempting to lump all the kids together but even the 2 dsc are unique and should have seperate time.

ilovemyboys3 · 20/02/2022 19:03

I have the same problem. Two are children 11 and 9. We have a 14 month old and the 9 year old girl gets frustrated when I take our son out. My DH often can't be bothered to go out with his two as he works very long hours etc and often needs his day off as down time. Well I can't think of anything worse than staying in all Saturday so we use the time to go to my parents or sister etc or to see friends. The 9 users old moans if I take him out and then says she's bored when he's not there. Why should I leave our son home just for her entertainment. She sees plenty of him and I only pop out for 2-3 hours etc so it's not like I'm taking him away all day. I still get moaned at by her and my DH for going out. Can't win sometimes. Carry on as you are x

Kerrie21 · 20/02/2022 22:18

I had this when mine was young.

DSD would come to stay some weekends and dh would be pissed off if I took out DD out leaving DSD. Sometimes I took DSD as well if it was a family catch up/ shopping trip etc. DH got really arsy once when it was a party for dd's little friend (2 years) where I would also be able to catch up with other mums. DSD was a teen and this was something I wasn't taking her to so I didn't. After that I kept plans with friends (rather than change like I used to) if DSD was coming last minute.

DD needs a life too like DSD needed time with her dad!

harryclr · 20/02/2022 22:56

Annoys me too. Today I wanted to take DS swimming as we pay a monthly membership for lessons but due to the storm on friday we didnt have one this week. SD is here and we've just moved house so money is tight atm - we would have to pay for 2 more tickets if she and DP were to come too, but we also have a 3 month old so we cant all go at the same time. I just wanted to take my 2yr old for a quick swim, not him and a 7yr old who would take all the attention.

Finallylostit · 21/02/2022 11:15

They come to see their family - their sibling is their family. So spending time with them is appropriate it is not all about their Dad when siblings arrive on the scene

ilovemyboys3 · 21/02/2022 11:51

@Finallylostit

They come to see their family - their sibling is their family. So spending time with them is appropriate it is not all about their Dad when siblings arrive on the scene

So you aren't supposed to have a life or do anything because they have arrived for the weekend? Everyone has to stay put? Bonkers!

HoleyMoley5 · 21/02/2022 12:10

@Finallylostit

They come to see their family - their sibling is their family. So spending time with them is appropriate it is not all about their Dad when siblings arrive on the scene

This is exactly my point.

My child isn't just there to sit in every weekend and "spend time with" their siblings. They can have a life as well that involves other people and isn't solely focused around their siblings arrival.

In nuclear families are siblings not allowed to do anything separately from each other so that everything is focused around family time. No.

My child sees their siblings, when they are here, the same as any other child. When they are around, typically in the evening and mornings, occasionally for the full day, sometimes not.

Not everything is about the step children and their arrival.

HoleyMoley5 · 21/02/2022 12:10

NC fail obviously.

RedWingBoots · 21/02/2022 12:58

@Finallylostit

They come to see their family - their sibling is their family. So spending time with them is appropriate it is not all about their Dad when siblings arrive on the scene

They can spend time with their siblings.

They can spend time doing other things without their siblings.

This also gives the siblings a chance to have time with their dad.

Due to the age gap between the children this makes sense as there are some things a 2 year old can't do that older children can do.

OinkyO · 21/02/2022 12:59

@Finallylostit

They come to see their family - their sibling is their family. So spending time with them is appropriate it is not all about their Dad when siblings arrive on the scene

No they don't. It is contact time for their parent. If OP left their dad they may never see their sibling again if contact time doesn't match up. It would be sad of course and not what I would want for my DC.

OinkyO · 21/02/2022 13:01

@HoleyMoley5 your post at 12:10 is spot on. They aren't royalty.

ChocolateMassacre · 21/02/2022 13:32

I'd be tempted to leave DS with DH when your DSC are there and go out alone to catch up with friends/family.

Siblings get to spend quality time together, supervised by your DH.

You get a break and child-free time with your friends.

Problem solved !

OinkyO · 21/02/2022 13:37

Problem solved grin! OP hasn't said spending time with her child is a problem though. Why should she give up time with her child just because DH has his round? Fair enough if she does want childfree time but I'm not thinking up stuff to do that doesn't involve my child just becuase the DSC are here.

Nonnymum · 21/02/2022 13:41

just wanted to take my 2yr old for a quick swim, not him and a 7yr old who would take all the attention
I can understand the OP.wanting to do different things with her child and the step children becuase of the big age differences
but I think it would seem mean taking a two year old swimming but not the seven year old. That's not a huge age gap and I think the seven year old would find it hard to understand why they couldn't also go. .

OinkyO · 21/02/2022 13:46

That's not a huge age gap and I think the seven year old would find it hard to understand why they couldn't also go. .

It's easy. "DC is still small so needs my full attention and the baby pool so you would get bored and not have much fun"

ChocolateMassacre · 21/02/2022 13:46

@OinkyO. It depends on what the OP's DH's motivations are. Obviously if he was in charge of their toddler, he'd have to get his arse out of bed and entertain and care for the toddler. I suspect part of the reason he wants the OP and their DC at home is not so DSC can spend time with their DC but so that he doesn't have to put so much effort into entertaining or caring for any of the kids (because the OP is there). If he was left in charge of all three children, I bet he'd soon change his tune.

OinkyO · 21/02/2022 13:47

@ChocolateMassacre ha yes! I see. This is a very good point.

MeridianB · 21/02/2022 13:48

This would drive me crackers. Don’t give in to it, OP.

And there’s another good point made about it being healthy for DH to spend time with his children and while they are there.

Your outlook sounds totally sensible.

Finallylostit · 21/02/2022 13:50

Who said that the SDCs are royalty - contact is not just about being with Dad - but with Dad and their family.

Not all the time - think the solution of leaving toddler with DF and going out would be my solution. He gets to parent all his DCs in isolation and you get some freetime!

OinkyO · 21/02/2022 13:50

@Finallylostit

Who said that the SDCs are royalty - contact is not just about being with Dad - but with Dad and their family.

Not all the time - think the solution of leaving toddler with DF and going out would be my solution. He gets to parent all his DCs in isolation and you get some freetime!

Nope. Contact is just about being with dad.

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