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Original poster

Dating a Divorced Dad Help

36 replies

Loopylemon2 · 20/02/2022 06:57

I met a really great guy 6mths ago and our relationship is amazing apart from one sticking point.

If his ex or kids (teens) call, he will literally drop everything to go to them, urgent or non-urgent. There is nothing between him and his ex (she’s remarried) but he’s pretty much been single since they divorced and I think he’s been there any time they wanted as he had nothing else to do.

The problem is that by him dropping everything all the time this has resulted in situations where he was really late on Boxing Day meeting my family. Had to miss my birthday meal. Countless times I’ve been sat waiting for him as he’s late or got caught up. Then finally this week I had to again cancel something important to me with my family because he got a call to deal with a non-emergency which screwed up our plans. It’s always me that gets ditched.

It probably wouldn’t be so bad, but we also have to work our lives around his odd shift patterns and when he isn’t working he has the kids. So our time is really limited in terms or being able to do anything.

I’m gutted as we’re barely speaking now. I’ve raised it a couple of times and this time he got defensive, resulting in him saying he’s tried changing but obviously it’s not been successful and he’s not being fair to me. He definitely has made an effort with me and I see it, but again though for example, he took Valentine’s Day off work to be with me and that got messed about. We had to cancel dinner plans Friday night, etc.

I actually find it all hurtful and him implying we should split up, because I’ve not been unreasonable, I’ve just said when it’s not urgent can he try to manage the situation better.

I don’t want to lose the guy. But I’m the same sentence I dread making arrangements as I know if his phone goes, that’s our plans screwed.

Any advice x

OP posts:
Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 20/02/2022 07:23

When you raised this is he happy with the situation as it is now? I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he wants to change. He should not be putting pre arranged ahead (and certainly not when meeting your family and your birthday!) and I would take that as a huge red flag. Are you sure you want a future where you are always bottom of the pecking order regardless?

LadyCluck · 20/02/2022 07:31

Hi OP.

Can you honestly see this situation ever improving? Because I’m not sure it will and you deserve better than that.

If his kids needed him then yes you can understand him having to cancel plans but it sounds like he almost enjoys being at their beck and call. I absolutely would not tolerate him dropping things for the ex.

In your position I would be less available for a while. Don’t cancel plans with friends, family. If he can’t make it then that’s up to him.

HogDogKetchup · 20/02/2022 07:34

He doesn’t sound ready for a grown up relationship. You all have wants and needs. Dropping commitments on a teenagers whim isn’t ok. But his kids are used to it and expect it now and i bet he’s worried about the backlash if he stops. It won’t get any better by the sounds of it OP.

Original poster
Loopylemon2 · 20/02/2022 07:35

This is the piece that’s breaking my heart. Like I say 99% of the time he is amazing and I adore being with him, but I do feel like he can only be with me when his ex, kids or work aren’t needing him.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when it has been unavoidable because situations happen. But definitely the situation on Thursday/Friday could of been avoided. Basically his ex claimed she was too ill to drive the kids to school, her OH couldn’t leave work to help her and then his kids wanted to stay with at his house as they didn’t want to get ill missing out on a birthday shopping trip. So I got ditched and without apology.

He was more vocal last week about his ex being a pain and over the top. When I raised it he initially got defensive then said he could see why I was getting frustrated, but what could he do. I then went on to point out how the situation could of been handled and he didn’t really respond.

Then like I say, he started saying implying (didn’t outright say it) maybe we should split up if I was that unhappy as I will only get more frustrated. Which hurt tbh because he either means that and is t willing to change or is saying it in hope I will just accept the behaviour.

I’m gutted.

OP posts:
DoNotTouchTheWater · 20/02/2022 07:37

Ignore the divorced dad situation. That’s just additional guilt trip fodder from him so you can’t question him.

This is a man who puts you last. He creates situations that ruin important events and moments in your life. That’s not ok. It doesn’t matter what the ‘reason’ is, there’s a clear pattern. He’s making it very clear that you are not a priority for him.

He doesn’t have to make you a priority. But the key thing is that you don’t have to accept this. You deserve better from a relationship.

TuscanApothecary · 20/02/2022 07:39

You deserve to be a priority with a man who has already got boundaries in place. This won't make you happy long term and you're self esteem will plumet and you'll lose yourself to this man.

PolkaSpace · 20/02/2022 07:56

Then like I say, he started saying implying (didn’t outright say it) maybe we should split up if I was that unhappy as I will only get more frustrated. Which hurt tbh because he either means that and is t willing to change or is saying it in hope I will just accept the behaviour. to be fair to him at least he is warning you now you will always be last. I'd leave. I know it will be hard but he's not ready and you deserve better.

FantasticFebruary · 20/02/2022 07:56

It's not a problem that he's divorced or that he has kids. The problem is that he's unwilling to say 'no' to them.

It's hard to say though, as the situation you've described (ex being I'll, needing him to take them to school & choosing to stay at his because their mum is ill) sounds reasonable to me - if unfortunate!

Why was he late Boxing day? Mind you, it's not the time I'd choose for 'meeting the parents' & 'being on time' when he has kids.

But you sound a lot younger than me (I'm 53) and I probably have become more realistic/understanding over the years (and many child/teen experience years later)

But whether you're being unrealistic or he's not willling to look at situations before just saying 'yes' to ex/teens when it's not something important it's not important really, because you're not happy. It's only been 6 months - I have cheese older than that!

It's making you unhappy, it's unlikely to change until. HE thinks it's an issue (which may never happen) Plenty more fish in the sea.

PolkaSpace · 20/02/2022 07:58

He should have split up with you at that point though rather than leaving it as your decision. He knows he isn't what you need.

Knockoneofftheshelftowin · 20/02/2022 08:02

Why don't you drop him at the last minute a couple of times, just to make him see how it feels. It might be the kick up his a##e that's needed.

Whatinthelord · 20/02/2022 08:06

If he’s implying you should break up when you raise the issue….I’d suggest he doesn’t intend to change anything and will prioritise keeping the status quo with ex and kids over his relationship with you.

Sorry op, it sounds like a really horrible situation, but if I were you I’d move on from the relationship because I don’t think you’ll get what you need from it.

To play devils advocate it may be that he, his ex and kids are all happy with the current arrangement, so I can see why he wouldn’t want to change the set up that works for them. The big red flag of course being that missing your stuff isn’t an issue for him.

Original poster
Loopylemon2 · 20/02/2022 08:10

I think it’s unfair to say I’m being unrealistic! There have been many occasions he’s had to go tend to something and I’ve not blinked. But there have been several occasions when the situation could of been avoided, eg. By his own admission he spoke to his ex the night before she claimed to be to ill to drive, she was perfectly fine and she has another child at home she had to get to nursery anyway.

Ref: Boxing Day. As per my early comments, between his shift working and having the kids there is little spare time. The fact it was Boxing Day is by the by.

I appreciate it’s a new relationship, buts it’s one that one the whole I’ve enjoyed and thus asking advice. I genuinely like the guy and that’s why I’m was looking to see if there was solutions before I ended anything.

I’m also not that much younger than 53 and genuinely not an unreasonable or unrealistic person 😊

OP posts:
PolkaSpace · 20/02/2022 08:19

To play devils advocate it may be that he, his ex and kids are all happy with the current arrangement, so I can see why he wouldn’t want to change the set up that works for them. The big red flag of course being that missing your stuff isn’t an issue for him. yes this coupled with him saying maybe you should split up suggests to me he will not be changing any time soon. And fair enough in a way he doesn't have to but he should split up with you if he knows you aren't happy with this rather than stringing you along.

TuscanApothecary · 20/02/2022 08:27

The biggest red flag actually is him mentioning splitting up. If he was that into you (apologies for the bluntness) he would be working out how to resolve the problem you've brought up to him. Threatening to end the relationship because you're not happy is not going to make a great relationship OP. You will never be able to be annoyed, feel hurt or truely express yourself in this relationship.

Also the ex wife thing will get on your tits. He doesn't sound like a strong secure man with her or with the threat to split. You might still like him for a while but it will grow old. Don't move in with him or plan expensive holidays in the future.

PolkaSpace · 20/02/2022 08:28

@TuscanApothecary this is very true. Sorry OP he's not that in to you.

HareOverThere · 20/02/2022 08:33

I dated someone like this.

Everything was great except that he regularly cancelled/changed plans or was late because of things that had cropped up with his DC or ex that easily could have been dealt with at a different time or in a different way.

He said it was because DC were still so sensitive after his divorce (which was almost ten before). Also that his ex would make things difficult if he didn’t do what she wants (I wasn’t convinced of that).

I decided to go off his actions rather than words and set a limit as to how many times I’d be let down without good reason. In the end he let me down at a crucial time and I walked away (funnily enough about six months ago!). I miss him but know he would never have changed and I couldn’t have me and my DC always treated as last priority.

I respect and admire that he wanted to prioritise his kids but if there can be no adjustments or allowances to avoid keep letting you down then it won’t work. Otherwise you’re always going to have to put up with that.

I miss my ex but also feel relieved that I’m no longer in that situation where ultimately he just didn’t think I was important enough to find a balance.

Doanythingforlove · 20/02/2022 08:33

You want to make it work more than he does. He is not going to change.

Notwithittoday · 20/02/2022 08:35

No just no. Leave him be. He’s not interested in your happiness.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 20/02/2022 08:37

I decided to go off his actions rather than words and set a limit as to how many times I’d be let down without good reason. In the end he let me down at a crucial time and I walked away

This is definitely the thing to do. Look at the actions. And maybe note how they don’t line up with the words.

I’m sorry he wasn’t right for you. You definitely did the right thing by having your own boundaries and high enough minimum standards that you’ll be treated well.

spacehardware · 20/02/2022 08:39

My husbands ex wife (their marriage ended due to her cheating, and she had been married and divorced again before I came on the scene so she's no victim) had caused previous relationships of his to founder early doors with her constant phone calls and demands. My husband is an incredibly kind person who cannot bear conflict, and she used to manipulate this for all it was worth. Fortunately for me, by the time I came along the kids were all late teens and she couldn't pull the same tricks as previously to the same extent. She still tried though.

It's very hard to know how to interpret your boyfriends "oh well maybe we should split up then". It's either a situation he's happy with, and you're being told your fortune, or he's miserably resigned to it by long standing conditioning. Impossible for us to know which. With my husband it was definitely the latter.

When his ex wife used to do sudden dramas about things I just used to say "but that's absurd of you course you don't need to go dashing off to do x y z" or suggest she look on YouTube for how to do whatever minor tragedy (like a broken loo flush - honestly what 50 year old woman doesn't know to pour a bucket of water down).

His ex wife is a massive massive drama Queen and for the sake of calm when they were still married, he just got into the habit of tiptoeing around her. Now he doesn't and guess what, there are hardly ever any mad emergencies and drama llama phone calls. He doesn't give her what she wants so she looks for it elsewhere.

No idea where the truth of this dynamic lies op, but I wouldn't necessarily give up immediately.

LovingLivingLife · 20/02/2022 08:40

Dating a divorced dad was the hardest thing I ever did. Especially as I was his first relationship after the divorce. I think divorced dads get the constant message that their kids need to be top priority (obviously they do) and some translate this as never being able to say no to any requests from kids or ex. Unfortunately what he is saying with his actions is that he doesn't value you enough to make any kind of balance.

I stayed in the relationship over 2 years and nothing changed. Because I put up with it (we did argue but I stayed) he saw no need for it to change. I wish I had left sooner.

The question is basically, are you ok being last priority in his life?

Gardeningcreature · 20/02/2022 08:42

He is not going to change.
Stop making plans with him. See how that goes. In all honesty I can't see you getting what you want from this relationship.

Naughtyperson972 · 20/02/2022 08:42

Hey OP, I’m in a very similar situation and empathise at how frustrating it is. I’m one more cancellation away from ending it. Life is too short for this.
Good luck, hope you get some kind of resolution.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2022 08:46

Stop wasting your time.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 20/02/2022 08:55

I can understand that he wants to do right by his kids and they are his priority most of the time, but equally if he has let you down on your birthday (and, to a lesser extent, Valentine's Day) then you can see that you aren't his priority at times when it might be reasonable to expect that.

It is unlikely to get any better unless he deliberately makes you a priority. He seems to be saying that he isn't going to change his routines, so there's your answer. I'm sure he's lovely, but this isn't a lovely relationship for you. You are trying to be satisfied with scraps and that never works.