Dating a Divorced Dad Help

[Loopylemon2]

I met a really great guy 6mths ago and our relationship is amazing apart from one sticking point.

If his ex or kids (teens) call, he will literally drop everything to go to them, urgent or non-urgent. There is nothing between him and his ex (she’s remarried) but he’s pretty much been single since they divorced and I think he’s been there any time they wanted as he had nothing else to do.

The problem is that by him dropping everything all the time this has resulted in situations where he was really late on Boxing Day meeting my family. Had to miss my birthday meal. Countless times I’ve been sat waiting for him as he’s late or got caught up. Then finally this week I had to again cancel something important to me with my family because he got a call to deal with a non-emergency which screwed up our plans. It’s always me that gets ditched.

It probably wouldn’t be so bad, but we also have to work our lives around his odd shift patterns and when he isn’t working he has the kids. So our time is really limited in terms or being able to do anything.

I’m gutted as we’re barely speaking now. I’ve raised it a couple of times and this time he got defensive, resulting in him saying he’s tried changing but obviously it’s not been successful and he’s not being fair to me. He definitely has made an effort with me and I see it, but again though for example, he took Valentine’s Day off work to be with me and that got messed about. We had to cancel dinner plans Friday night, etc.

I actually find it all hurtful and him implying we should split up, because I’ve not been unreasonable, I’ve just said when it’s not urgent can he try to manage the situation better.

I don’t want to lose the guy. But I’m the same sentence I dread making arrangements as I know if his phone goes, that’s our plans screwed.

Any advice x

Are you the first relationship he’s had since divorcing OP? Right now given his actions and what he said about you ending it I don’t think it’s going to improve... in the grand scheme of things you’ve not been together very long I’d cut my losses and move on. This should be an exciting time in a new relationship and you are being disappointed time and again...I’d just tell him you are out ...

Unless it's an emergency I think cancelling your birthday plans and being late on Boxing Day plans with your family is really disrespectful.

You are coming way down his list of priorities, even on none emergency days it's him, his dc, his ex wife, his job and then you. Does he ever put you first?

I think if you've had a conversation with him about it, explained how hurtful it is and he still does it, then you need to leave him and find someone who wants to put you first in their lives

Ah, OP, this is a scenario that’s as old as the hills. He is comfortable with them being the priorit. He isn’t in a position to prioritise you.

There’s nothing wrong with your boundaries, except that you now need to enact them. Go for the dignified ending. Take your power back. At the next cancellation just say, ‘I’m sorry, I’m afraid this doesn’t work for me’

It’s so rubbish and I’m sorry. But you got this

Very tricky situation. Sounds like you've it clear how you feel about it and I agree with most others that it isn't acceptable. That said, he has to consider how his kids who're still very young, might be feeling about him finding someone new.

Maybe just give it another month or two.

Very tricky situation I disagree. I think dad has made very clear he isn't changing and is looking for someone to slot into is existing set up. OP isn't happy with this. He knows OP isn't happy with this but doesn't want to be the one to say OK let's call it a day.

Walk away . You deserve better .

As you've said, a precedence has been set and changing what ultimately seems to work for all of them would be more trouble, with more to lose than breaking up with you.

He is realising this, knows that's unfair on you and is probably telling himself that he won't date again until they are adults. Some single mums make the same decision.

It is painful but it's reality.

OP,, if you have been dating for only 6 months, it is early days to be expecting him to disrupt an arrangement pattern with his children that has been working for him and them.
It may be that he sees you as a lovely dating partner, while you seem to be thinking of this as a more significant relationship.

His statement that perhaps you should possibly spilt is not a threat or a manipulative gesture , but may just indicate that this is an early days dating relationship that you both can give up when it ceases to be something other than pleasant times spent together.

This may be at casual dating days for him , but you seem to be on a different page with different expectations.

Neither of you may be wrong, but your pacing may not be the same.
Do what works for you. He will probably do what works best for his situation. Your situation involves only you. His situation involves himself and his children.
This may just be one if those situations about which you say " if only we had met at a different time. "

It sounds to me like you have more invested in this relationship than he does or, put it another way, he's just not that into you. IME, if a guy really likes you, he'll put you first or at least you can see that he's really trying to, but this guy isn't. He's dropping you like a hot potato for any silly, frivolous thing his ex comes up with. She clearly knows him well and is playing him like a fiddle, coming up with spurious reasons for him to run around after her/their kids, but he's not saying 'No' is he, even when it's clear that she is taking the piss.

He's already telling you that you will be his last priority over and over again, ; he is clearly not prepared to change, perhaps he likes to feel "needed".

If you continue to voice your displeasure (as you absolutely should), very soon you will become the problem (in his eyes), so you'll have to go, at which point he will end things himself.

I'd walk away from this situation now, to save yourself any more frustration and upset.

Haven't even finished reading your post and want to say, he is still married. Everything points to it. His shift paterns- is he in police force by any chance?