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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to not spend time with SC when they are here?

66 replies

Popable · 17/02/2022 20:05

Been an argument with DH lately.

I feel like I don't really get much me time. I'm always looking after DS and when SC aren't here, always spending my evenings with DH catching up on work, life, TV etc..

So when SC come I use that as my me time, especially in the week when my son goes to bed quite early. I'll have a long bath / go and watch my trashy TV show DH hates in the other room etc...

Or at weekend I'll make plans with friends or family (unless we have something specific all planned together of course).

DH has been getting moody about this recently accusing me of not wanting to spend time with his children. In all honesty I don't? I'm not sure why that's so terrible. I'm perfectly nice when we are together, when we eat meals and so on... But they are older now getting into teen years and spend most of their time on their phones in the living room. It's hardly riveting time together 😂 obviously this makes me terrible in his eyes although I fail to see why.

I'd never control the time he spends with them, just don't see why I always need to be part of it in some forced sitting together in the same room but all doing other things style situation.

Right now they are downstairs watching a film and I'm in a bubble bath drinking wine and eating chocolate and it's bliss but I'm sure I'll get some comment about always disappearing when they come.

I feel like screaming sometimes to fuck off! I do 99% with our son, I'm with him nearly all day every day. I just want this time to be by myself.

OP posts:

PolkaSpace · 18/02/2022 12:41

It's really not on to force someone to sit there and watch whatever mindnumbing crap the step kids want to watch.

Mo1911 · 18/02/2022 12:53

I can see his point completely which I realise won't go down well with the other replies you have been given so far.

I don't think he'll be looking for you to be there all the time but to at least he a part of their time with him and make them feel part of the family while there works he better.

They'll be aware that you disappear when they're there which isn't very nice.

If you and your parent split up I'm sure you'd want your child treated by a potential new step mother much better than your treating these kids.

QuirkyTurtle · 18/02/2022 14:13

Damned if you do, damned if you don't OP. You were never going to win this one.

CherylPorter350 · 18/02/2022 14:32

I have 3 DC and 2 DSC...now all teens so I totally get the being glued to their screens.

We tend to do family night on a Thursday...try get out the house for dinner/movies etc.

Other than that it's a mixed bag. DH, my DS and DSS love jigsaws/star wars/gaming. When they're doing that...im outta there lol.

If me and DSD are watching a teary movie...DH will likely sit on his laptop.

We don't insist the other must be present at all times. We just go with the flow but also make sure we do spend some quality time all together

Dimensions3 · 18/02/2022 15:15

They'll be aware that you disappear when they're there which isn't very nice.

How do you know what they think?

As a teen, I was delighted when my stepmother went to their bedroom or out when I was visiting. She stopped doing that when I got older (20’s) and I really missed spending time alone with my father. I really wasn’t offended at her leaving me to have time with my father. I actually thought she was being considerate. She may have even been soaking in a bubble bath with champagne and chocolates, good for her.

CornishGem1975 · 18/02/2022 16:03

God no. If my DC aren't here and my SC are, I make myself scarce. I go and read, watch TV somewhere else, go out with friends, at the weekend go out with our shared DC. I don't feel the need to spend my free time with them and neither do I want to.

Magda72 · 18/02/2022 19:37

If you and your parent split up I'm sure you'd want your child treated by a potential new step mother much better than your treating these kids.
Yes - treating them terribly by letting them have time with their nrp.
Not enough eyerolls for ridiculous comments like this.

Confusedteacher · 25/02/2022 23:22

I think it’s a bit weird tbh. They’re not just “someone else’s children” they’re your step children! You don’t have to spend every waking moment together and yes it’s nice for them to spend some quality time with their dad, but don’t you want a relationship with them?

aSofaNearYou · 26/02/2022 19:27

@Confusedteacher

She has a relationship with them. She just doesn't want to give up all her me time to have even more time with them. That's really not weird.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/02/2022 19:31

Order a cardboard cutout of yourself. Leave it sat on the sofa..
Your dh is trying to rewrite his life and you are the dm.

BattMerry · 27/02/2022 20:37

I have a 13 year old SD; she too has her nose in her phone/ipad often, so we sometimes have an hour or two of enforced tech ban... although we're probably just as bad!

The way my DH and I see it is that we're a couple and we face the world together. His family is my family, and mine is his - therefore, his daughter is my responsibility too when she's with us and I wouldn't have it any other way. Luckily she's amazing and I'll happily spend all my time with her.

I might not want to watch the same thing as them, in which case I'll be on my laptop or phone, and if it's something I really can't bear I might take myself off into the bedroom, but I don't make myself scarce often. I just wouldn't have married (or even dated) DH if I wasn't prepared to treat her like my own.

In fairness, everyone has their own reasons, and maybe if she was hard to handle it would be a different story. As it is, she's my little buddy and I have plenty of downtime because I don't have kids of my own yet, so I can relax whenever.

If your SC and your DH don't have any issues with your chilling alone, and no one feels uncomfortable or upset, then do whatever works for you... but obviously this has imapcted your relationship given you've argued.

Could you not compromise? Is there a reason why your DH can't take charge of your DC once a week (when SC isn't over) so you can have your relaxing evening then? Or maybe when your SC is over, alternate each visit by spending one evening with them, and then the next just relaxing? It is tricky being a step parent sometimes so there's no easy answer x

SemperIdem · 02/03/2022 13:51

I don’t think that what you’re doing re me time is that different to what mums with pre teen/teen children do to be honest.

RuRue · 05/03/2022 13:16

@MintJulia

The dcs clearly aren't bothered by you not being in the room.

Your dh feels like he has to spend time with his dcs because it's his weekend, but they're on their phones, so he's bored and wants you to chat to.

Instead, he could get off his bottom and take his kids out somewhere, actually DO something.

It's not your problem.

Exactly this.

My OH is the same to an extent, then he'll be miffed if I say I'm popping out for a coffee or a browse round the shops.

If he was actually doing some sort of family activity with them and not just standing by whilst they have their heads in their devices then I would be far more inclined to spend the time with them. I love family board games, baking, pizza making, playing cards, all sorts of other things I'm open to aswell.

But nope, I don't want to sit on the sofa twiddling my thumbs and watching them play roblox or watch YouTube. It's boring as fuck.

TayceOnToast · 23/03/2022 17:26

Popable, just want to say I FEEL YOU!!

My partner recently had a go at me for not being “present” enough when his kid was here (my crime: taking the dog for a walk)

He said “you get to just leave whenever you want, I DONT!”

I’m like, yah, ya don’t. I do because I didn’t have a child with someone I then split up with!!

I honestly think he just resented my freedom in that moment. What am I supposed to do? Squash all the joy out of my own life and cancel my social life in solidarity with with my partner? Um, don’t think so !

And I totally get you when you say you’re made to feel like you should just sit in the room while they’re on screens etc. I love spending time with my stepkid when we’re doing an activity together but sitting next to him while he plays Roblox? Boring AF.

Yanbu!!!

TayceOnToast · 23/03/2022 17:28

Lol @RuRue I posted my comment before reading yours, and am now laughing at how similar they are!

NorthSouthcatlady · 23/03/2022 17:32

Tell him you will discuss it again when he does 50/50 with your child. Everyone needs some down time

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