Am I unreasonable to not spend time with SC when they are here?

[Popable]

Been an argument with DH lately.

I feel like I don't really get much me time. I'm always looking after DS and when SC aren't here, always spending my evenings with DH catching up on work, life, TV etc..

So when SC come I use that as my me time, especially in the week when my son goes to bed quite early. I'll have a long bath / go and watch my trashy TV show DH hates in the other room etc...

Or at weekend I'll make plans with friends or family (unless we have something specific all planned together of course).

DH has been getting moody about this recently accusing me of not wanting to spend time with his children. In all honesty I don't? I'm not sure why that's so terrible. I'm perfectly nice when we are together, when we eat meals and so on... But they are older now getting into teen years and spend most of their time on their phones in the living room. It's hardly riveting time together 😂 obviously this makes me terrible in his eyes although I fail to see why.

I'd never control the time he spends with them, just don't see why I always need to be part of it in some forced sitting together in the same room but all doing other things style situation.

Right now they are downstairs watching a film and I'm in a bubble bath drinking wine and eating chocolate and it's bliss but I'm sure I'll get some comment about always disappearing when they come.

I feel like screaming sometimes to fuck off! I do 99% with our son, I'm with him nearly all day every day. I just want this time to be by myself.

@Polyanthus2

I would think DH should be spending time with his DS. Then you might not be so keen on time alone when DSCs are there. It sounds like you prefer to have DS to yourself, understandable, but he should know he has a dad too. You could be having me time when DH is with DS. I would think you could be around when teens are there - shutting yourself in the bathroom is a bit unfriendly.

OP, if you're perfectly happy with the current arrangement, there's no need to change it.

YANBU - as a teen stepchild I was always happier when my stepmother did her own thing and I spent time with my dad. (Except she was great at shopping so we had fun doing that together.) Otherwise I’m glad she didn’t try to force herself to spend time with me as a teen and rather left my dad to spend time with me.

Good luck, OP.

I think its a bit sad that you don’t make the effort with your SC, but I’m not a step parent so I don’t completely understand. But to always go in the other room just seems a bit rude like you don’t want them arouhd

@Colderthanever

If the genders were reversed it is really really unlikely that the OP would be 'doing 99%' for the joint child. That's what makes the main difference here.

I don’t have stepchildren experience but my DH often leaves the table early and goes to do some work or does his own thing while DD and I are watching TV. Or sometimes I do my own thing while they are watching TV. I was never expected my parents to watch TV with me.
I think your DH forgetting that his DC are teens, he compares them with your younger child whereas spending time with older children looks very different.

Imagine if he was trying to force his kids to spend time with you. What an unhealthy message to send them that all adults should simply want to be in their presence just to breath the same air. They aren't royalty just part of the family.

@Colderthanever

Oddly I think if the genders were reversed here the answers would be very different, if it was a woman saying her husband refused to spend any time with her children and left the room when they arrived. People would feel it’s unacceptable in a blended family. But because the op is a woman it’s all “go you”.

Hmmm a little dramatic... I don't leave as soon as they arrive. We always eat tea together too. After tea, when my son goes to bed I do other things though yes.

Hmmm a little dramatic... I don't leave as soon as they arrive. We always eat tea together too. After tea, when my son goes to bed I do other things though yes. sounds perfectly reasonable.

@FelicityBob

I think its a bit sad that you don’t make the effort with your SC, but I’m not a step parent so I don’t completely understand. But to always go in the other room just seems a bit rude like you don’t want them arouhd

On the contrary I'm quite happy for them to be around because it means I'm free to do my own stuff because H is occupied 😂

I think it’s rude and not very nice. You could watch a film with them sometimes etc. The Point is it’s upsetting your DH.
However he sounds like he needs a kick up the butt about your own son. If he did more you could get me-time another way

I presume your child is much younger? Because I guarantee when he gets to that age you’ll be insisting on ‘family time’ regularly during the week. If I were your DH I would be throwing your behaviour with your dsd back in your face when you get to that point.

@DSGR

I think it’s rude and not very nice. You could watch a film with them sometimes etc. The Point is it’s upsetting your DH. However he sounds like he needs a kick up the butt about your own son. If he did more you could get me-time another way

Someone who has time to regularly have bubble baths with wine and chocolate / me time - is not someone doing 99% of parenting + housework. Her DP clearly makes some kind of effort for her to have that time in the first place.

I work with separated parents and kids. Most kids want to spend time with their dads without stepmum around if they live mainly with their mum. Most mums are keen that the children get 1:1 time with their dad if they only see him at weekend and maybe a couple of times a week. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing for everyone involved and as for the poster who called you ignorant, batshit!

Someone who has time to regularly have bubble baths with wine and chocolate / me time - is not someone doing 99% of parenting + housework. Her DP clearly makes some kind of effort for her to have that time in the first place.

What?

I literally said on the first page of this thread that I was going this after my son went to bed. He's young so he goes to bed at 7. I do apologise if I dare to have a bubble bath after that time and don't get straight back to the washing up 😂

I can assure you, I do 99% of the parenting of our and the housework, my husband would agree with that and it's the reason I work part time.

I don't "regularly" have time for bubble baths and chocolates. I'm either looking after our son, doing stuff in the house or with my husband. Which is precisely why I use the time that he's occupied with SC to do that. Are you able to read? It's pretty clear from my OP what I meant.

Ultimately he needs to give you me time when the SC aren't he if he wants you around when they are. So ball's in his court.

Her DP clearly makes some kind of effort for her to have that time in the first place

No he wants me NOT to do this when SC are here (it's the only time I do it) so instead I can sit in the living room simply being in their presence whilst their faces are glued to their phones and there happens to be a film on in the background.

I know which one sounds more appealing to me .

@HairyScaryMonster

Ultimately he needs to give you me time when the SC aren't he if he wants you around when they are. So ball's in his court.

Tbf I prefer it this way.

When SC aren't there me and H spend time together in the evenings watching our TV show, catching up about work and other things, talking etc..

When SC are here it's completely different. They just sit there in the same room but on screens. I'd prefer to use that time to go and have my bath/ me time because there is nothing attractive to me about just sitting there whilst they do that!

If we go out somewhere together absolutely, we do that. We have tea all together too every night they are here. But yeah, really have no interest in just sitting watching them play on their phones.

@Flatandhappy

I work with separated parents and kids. Most kids want to spend time with their dads without stepmum around if they live mainly with their mum. Most mums are keen that the children get 1:1 time with their dad if they only see him at weekend and maybe a couple of times a week. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing for everyone involved and as for the poster who called you ignorant, batshit!

Exactly. How is DH meant to have meaningful heart to hearts if I'm there

If we go out somewhere together absolutely, we do that. We have tea all together too every night they are here. But yeah, really have no interest in just sitting watching them play on their phones. I'm exactly the same. If something is planned or will actually involve interacting fine. And sometimes it's me who instigates this. But there's no way I'm wasting my life being bored just because they are.

OP you aren't going to win on here.

If you spend nearly all the time sitting with them watching films, posters would be having a go at you for not giving your DH and his kids time without you.

Each family dynamic is different.

So if your SC are happy watching films or playing video games with their dad and without you being present leave them to it.

However you do need to have words with your DH as why he wants you to sit being clearly bored around his children, which isn't in their best interests.

I sometimes do my own thing when DSDs are here.
I will go the the gym, see my friends, have a bubble bath, read in my room etc. and it's never been an issue. I don't hide away the whole time and sometimes we do stuff together or watch something on TV or sit in the living room staring into our phones. It's never been an issue.

However you do need to have words with your DH as why he wants you to sit being clearly bored around his children, which isn't in their best interests. good point. What's his issue with being alone with his own children?

Step-mum of two teens girls here. I'm slightly on the fence, as it does sound like you've got no interest in spending time with your step-kids, which isn't ideal.

And when people have suggested that he steps up with your child so your "me-time" is more spread, you're not keen.

For me it's about balance. When the steps are here we'll often do things together whether that's watching a film (they are glued to their phones when TV is on, but that's just teens and they are watching too), having supper, playing board games, or whatever.

Sometimes, I will pop off for a bath or to read my book. For instance, they're all rugby mad and I'm not keen so that is ideal me time scenario.

Sometimes DH will be in our office working and the teens are with me. Sometimes when they have mates over they want us downstairs joining in, other times they want us banished to the bedroom and pretending we don't exist. 😂.

There have been evenings they've been over where I've had plans with my friends and been out. Equally, there have been times when they've asked to come and dad has had plans. I said "it's just me, dad's out, do you still want to come" and they said yes please. So then it was just me and them for the evening and it was really nice.

In other words, them coming here isn't a special event that I'm expected to stand on attention for. But equally I spend meaningful and valuable time with them, which is also precious to me. It's balanced.

I don't think DH would be happy if I actively avoided them and scheduled all my me time to ignore them. But equally, nobody minds if I say "I'm having a bath and a book, let's watch a film when I'm back".

They are obsessed with their phones (infuriating) but they are quite capable of watching TV simultaneously (or whatever we decide to do).

Equally, he does a great deal of the cleaning, and the plan is to share the parenting load when I have our baby this year (currently pregnant).

If it somehow all falls on me, I'll be furious - but I won't be using it as an excuse to dodge the steps, rather we would be having lengthy chats about divisions of labour etc.

The obviously solution is that he steps up on housework and parenting your shared child, so you get some me time during the week. You could then have more of a balance when the steps are there. But you said you don't want that, so I'm not sure what we can advise...

For me it's about balance. When the steps are here we'll often do things together whether that's watching a film (they are glued to their phones when TV is on, but that's just teens and they are watching too), having supper, playing board games, or whatever. but OP has explained they eat together and if they plan an outing she goes along. It's not like she's like right step kids are here I'm hiding away the whole weekend.

@PolkaSpace

For me it's about balance. When the steps are here we'll often do things together whether that's watching a film (they are glued to their phones when TV is on, but that's just teens and they are watching too), having supper, playing board games, or whatever. but OP has explained they eat together and if they plan an outing she goes along. It's not like she's like right step kids are here I'm hiding away the whole weekend.

@PolkaSpace

Actually I disagree. In her op she said they were all watching a film together but she was in the bath.

She also said she'll leave them watching Tv together and go and watch her TV programmes elsewhere.

She said that they spend "most of their time" in the living room and she's not interested in that.

It doesn't sound like the outings are frequent at all. So it's just mealtimes (which with teens tend to be a speedy affair IME). Presumably that's because op wants her supper too.

Like I said. Balance. I don't think OP needs to be spending all her time with them. But if the family is watching a film, going to another room to watch something different every time is a bit off.

FWIW, we take it in turns to pick things so everyone gets something they're vaguely interested it. Usually we get vetoes too. I've sat through things I'm not that fussed by. They've indulged me on trashy TV.

Nothing wrong with a bath. I have mine if the rugby is on as they're obsessed and I don't know the rules really.

BUT. If I vanished every time they were watching TV (as op says she does) I'd never see them at all.

I do also insist on non-TV related activities. Cards, games, cinema. They're teaching me their fave video game at the mo. We sometimes bake together. Etc.

Some things that jumped out from OPs posts:

"when SC come I use that as my me time"

"at weekend I'll make plans with friends or family"

"DH has been getting moody about this recently accusing me of not wanting to spend time with his children. In all honesty I don't?"

"There is nothing exciting or desirable about spending time with his children"

"I'm quite happy for them to be around because it means I'm free to do my own stuff"
*
"*Right now they are downstairs watching a film and I'm in a bubble bath drinking wine and eating chocolate and it's bliss"

To me: that sounds as if the balance is gone and OP is actively avoiding them. I can understand why her DH is trying to address this.

I SO think her DH needs to spend more time doing housework and looking after their shared child, so that OP gets downtime in the week too. BUT OP says she doesn't want that, as she'd rather have her me time when the SCs are there.

I do (sort of) get it - I am a stepparent to two teens and it can be difficult. It's different though because I really enjoy spending time with SDs even though their phones are maddening.

Balance is key, and here it seems like it's gone. There's very much an us and them vibe, and it reads like OP is actively avoiding them. Her DH has explained he's upset by it, but no one can force her to engage. In his shoes I'd be upset too.