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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to not spend time with SC when they are here?

66 replies

Popable · 17/02/2022 20:05

Been an argument with DH lately.

I feel like I don't really get much me time. I'm always looking after DS and when SC aren't here, always spending my evenings with DH catching up on work, life, TV etc..

So when SC come I use that as my me time, especially in the week when my son goes to bed quite early. I'll have a long bath / go and watch my trashy TV show DH hates in the other room etc...

Or at weekend I'll make plans with friends or family (unless we have something specific all planned together of course).

DH has been getting moody about this recently accusing me of not wanting to spend time with his children. In all honesty I don't? I'm not sure why that's so terrible. I'm perfectly nice when we are together, when we eat meals and so on... But they are older now getting into teen years and spend most of their time on their phones in the living room. It's hardly riveting time together 😂 obviously this makes me terrible in his eyes although I fail to see why.

I'd never control the time he spends with them, just don't see why I always need to be part of it in some forced sitting together in the same room but all doing other things style situation.

Right now they are downstairs watching a film and I'm in a bubble bath drinking wine and eating chocolate and it's bliss but I'm sure I'll get some comment about always disappearing when they come.

I feel like screaming sometimes to fuck off! I do 99% with our son, I'm with him nearly all day every day. I just want this time to be by myself.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 17/02/2022 20:07

They are here to see their dad and sibling. Sounds like they are doing that.

Suggest that in return he revised his schedule so you get the me time during the week and see what he says

Bananarama21 · 17/02/2022 20:07

I'm the same and my kids live me! It's important to have me time if its a soak in the bath, lying on the bed it's nice to get away.

LadyCluck · 17/02/2022 20:16

Same as you OP.

They’ve come to see / spend time with their Dad. You’re not there to entertain them.

My DH was the same, would always huff if I went off and did my own thing rather than join in with rolling out the red carpet for them.

I did spend some time with them but all the time is just not necessary (and not what they want either).

You’re completely entitled to time by yourself.

Mojoj · 17/02/2022 20:17

Sounds like he just wants you there to offload some of the parenting

M0RVEN · 17/02/2022 20:20

Well if you do 99% of the parenting of your joint child he’s got a cheek to also want you to parent his children.

You are doing the right thing - giving him and his space to be together.

Original poster
Popable · 17/02/2022 20:22

I don't think he wants me to parent as such. They don't really need it much now. Just to be "present" when watching a film or whatever else 😴

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 17/02/2022 20:25

Have your bath and chocolate and dont feel guilty if you're doing 99% of the parenting of your child , you deserve a break !

LastInTheQueue · 17/02/2022 20:54

We’ve had similar discussions. As I see it, they are not my children, they are not here to see me, and I’m doing them all a favour by doing my own thing and letting them spend time together, without me “intruding”. We do plenty of things together, be it outings or planned events and even the occasional mooching around, but they are not here to spend time with me.

Bunty55 · 17/02/2022 21:13

So you don't spend any time with his children at all ? In all honesty if I were him I wouldn't be happy with such an arrangement.
Perhaps you could spend some time with them after your bath just to show you are not being ignorant?

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/02/2022 21:14

Yanbu at all

Loopytiles · 17/02/2022 21:16

Why are you ‘doing 99%’ with your DS?

LadyCluck · 17/02/2022 21:26

@Bunty55

So you don't spend any time with his children at all ? In all honesty if I were him I wouldn't be happy with such an arrangement. Perhaps you could spend some time with them after your bath just to show you are not being ignorant?
Bit rude.

I wouldn’t say she’s ignorant at all.

OP says they have meals together. If she is busy with her own child all day long, why should she have to then focus her evening around someone else’s child? Especially when they’re watching films.

PolkaSpace · 17/02/2022 21:44

@Rainbowqueeen

They are here to see their dad and sibling. Sounds like they are doing that. Suggest that in return he revised his schedule so you get the me time during the week and see what he says
They aren't even there to see their sibling tbh. But yeah you enjoy your time off OP. I agree with this poster's idea. I had similar with my DH and just said fine. I'll go out the weekend the DSC aren't here then and you'll have to look after DC with no entertainment from the DSC. Hahahahaha he changed his tune so fast. Lazy man.
PolkaSpace · 17/02/2022 21:45

@Bunty55

So you don't spend any time with his children at all ? In all honesty if I were him I wouldn't be happy with such an arrangement. Perhaps you could spend some time with them after your bath just to show you are not being ignorant?
Then he can leave
Original poster
Popable · 17/02/2022 21:54

Perhaps you could spend some time with them after your bath just to show you are not being ignorant?

Why would I want to do this? There is nothing exciting or desirable about spending time with his children who's faces are glued to a screen but just so happen to be in the same room as us.

OP posts:
PolkaSpace · 17/02/2022 21:55

@Popable

Perhaps you could spend some time with them after your bath just to show you are not being ignorant?

Why would I want to do this? There is nothing exciting or desirable about spending time with his children who's faces are glued to a screen but just so happen to be in the same room as us.

Oh I hear you. Might as well not be there!
M0RVEN · 17/02/2022 22:14

@Popable

I don't think he wants me to parent as such. They don't really need it much now. Just to be "present" when watching a film or whatever else 😴
I wouldn’t even be “ present “ watching my own teens watch a film, let alone anyone else’s Hmm.

If they want to spend time with you I’m sure they are capable of walking into the other room to watch you watching your programme with you.

timeisnotaline · 17/02/2022 22:21

Darling, when you voluntarily spend enough time with our child together that I can have some me time during the week, then we can talk about it. As it is, I don’t have the capacity to be a present parent to my step children while doing 99% of the care for our child together. Frankly I’m increasingly furious you think this is how it should be - are you not our sons dad? Or is it that I don’t count as a person, just a useful household childminder??

violetbunny · 18/02/2022 06:05

@timeisnotaline

Darling, when you voluntarily spend enough time with our child together that I can have some me time during the week, then we can talk about it. As it is, I don’t have the capacity to be a present parent to my step children while doing 99% of the care for our child together. Frankly I’m increasingly furious you think this is how it should be - are you not our sons dad? Or is it that I don’t count as a person, just a useful household childminder??

Yes, this exactly!!!

Polyanthus2 · 18/02/2022 06:17

I would think DH should be spending time with his DS. Then you might not be so keen on time alone when DSCs are there.
It sounds like you prefer to have DS to yourself, understandable, but he should know he has a dad too. You could be having me time when DH is with DS.
I would think you could be around when teens are there - shutting yourself in the bathroom is a bit unfriendly.

MintJulia · 18/02/2022 06:50

The dcs clearly aren't bothered by you not being in the room.

Your dh feels like he has to spend time with his dcs because it's his weekend, but they're on their phones, so he's bored and wants you to chat to.

Instead, he could get off his bottom and take his kids out somewhere, actually DO something.

It's not your problem.

Magda72 · 18/02/2022 08:27

Darling, when you voluntarily spend enough time with our child together that I can have some me time during the week, then we can talk about it. As it is, I don’t have the capacity to be a present parent to my step children while doing 99% of the care for our child together. Frankly I’m increasingly furious you think this is how it should be - are you not our sons dad? Or is it that I don’t count as a person, just a useful household childminder??
This! With bells on! Jesus wept - yet another man conveniently 'forgetting' the fact he has more children than just his 'first' children!
Op ya absolutely nbu.
I actually had this with my exdp in that as teens he & they moved as a pack but didn't actually do anything - just sat on devices. My teens either did something specific with me or each other or spent time with their friends etc. If they were sat in the living room with the Xbox I wasn't in there with them as gaming wrecks my head. Why any parent wants to sit watching dc on phones/games is beyond me.
You're available for outings/meals etc. - there's NO reason he should expect you to watch them watching stuff.
He's probably as bored with it as you are but like my exdp is stuck in that nrp attitude of feeling like he can't actually live his own life & do the odd thing buy himself or with you when the dc are around - no matter what age they are.

Watchingpeppa12 · 18/02/2022 08:33

It’s completely up to you, obviously, however if I were him I’d leave you. 100%.
It will just cause a divide between you/him/your child and them. Quite sad, it’s not their fault their parents aren’t together. But like I say, your choice 🤷‍♀️

Colderthanever · 18/02/2022 08:37

Oddly I think if the genders were reversed here the answers would be very different, if it was a woman saying her husband refused to spend any time with her children and left the room when they arrived. People would feel it’s unacceptable in a blended family. But because the op is a woman it’s all “go you”.

FrecklesMalone · 18/02/2022 08:39

If you spend no time with them that isn't great. You probably will have a
relationship with them all their lives. When I was a teenager my boyfriend's step dad would never be in the same room as us and he was like a weird presence. To be honest if you've chosen to spend your life with someone who has children to make a bit of an effort with them. Teenagers are fucking annoying but they can be good fun too.
Your dh on the other hand needs to step up with your joint child. Why doesn't he do anything?