I have been with my partner for a few years now. When we met she had two boys from a previous relationship who are now 5 and 12. I gradually got to know them and they are wonderful kids who bring so much to my life that I didn't know was missing. I enjoy the step-parent role and getting to be a part of them growing into young men.
For context when we moved into together we did so into my house. This was bigger and gave everyone more space. The kids were involved throughout and we had a relatively smooth integration as it were.
My partner was, by her own admission, dependent on her ex inlaws before we met and they knew it. They were manipulative and would regularly let and put her down as a mother. She is nothing but wonderful. I never challenged this in the early days as i would always get "they are the grandparents to the boys...." I didn't see it as my place to be anything other than supportive of her decisions
Anyway, when we set up together, about half an hours drive from where she used to live the grandparents laid it on thick about how they would be cut out of the boys lives and would miss so much - the boys made comments that can only have come from their grandparents who then took to plain old bribery to try and prevent our move, the boys got snazzy gadgets and devices and developed an " I want" default.. I called them out as toxic and told them If they couldn't be bothered to drive the 30mins to see their grandkids that was their choice - not my partners fault. I told my partner at the time that any relationship between them is not for me comment on but that I didn't want her toxic ex inlaws in our home, I sent the gadgets and gizmos back saying that they were probably best kept at the grandparents. I didnt want them drinking our tea, belittling my partner or putting me down in my home and equally didnt want their money splashed around OUR home. My partner agreed and despite being invited to take the boys out or see them in general they have visited twice in 12 months citing the 'long journey' On one occasion they stayed 20 minutes as they "had to get back for corrie". The biological dad is an exact replica of his parents, had a setup up of every other weekend, which he said he couldnt maintain when we moved. He makes 40k a year and live 20inutes away. Off every weekend and manages to golf, drink and dash off with his new gf all over the country.
The youngest, 5, is due to start some medical treatment this week. Nothing major but let's just say were preparing the bathroom.... its half term and his bio dad was asked if he wanted the boys over the hols to stay for a few days. He point refused and said he couldn't be bothered with the drama and would rather work. These are his own sons
I lost my head abit and was frustrated at his lack of interest in his own kids. I had a frank discussion with partner and she basically told me that she has grown so used to his disinterest that she doesn't bother challenging it anymore. I can understand that but yet on the odd occasion when he demands instant access to his kids, we have to change plans because my partner is guilt tripped by him as though she is being obstructive..
We still, as a family, have to bend to the will and whim of her ex and his parents. I know I might come across as the bitter new partner and will probably get the usual "your only the stepdad" rhetoric but I want to know what others think...
I'm raising his kids with my time, my life, money and my love. I'm grateful to be able to do it. Im so frustrated that he wont pull his finger out except to buy the latest games, toys, gadgets or clothes but we still have to keep him happy "for the sake of the boys"
How can I put at stop to the constant influences and tantrums from the ex and his family in my home! How do I get my partner to see that she can stand up to them and tell them to jog on? Without her feeling guilty?
Has anyone else had to deal with the ex-inlaws from a step point.
Or am just being unreasonable?