Biological Dad unchallenged

[Stepdadnew]

I have been with my partner for a few years now. When we met she had two boys from a previous relationship who are now 5 and 12. I gradually got to know them and they are wonderful kids who bring so much to my life that I didn't know was missing. I enjoy the step-parent role and getting to be a part of them growing into young men.

For context when we moved into together we did so into my house. This was bigger and gave everyone more space. The kids were involved throughout and we had a relatively smooth integration as it were.

My partner was, by her own admission, dependent on her ex inlaws before we met and they knew it. They were manipulative and would regularly let and put her down as a mother. She is nothing but wonderful. I never challenged this in the early days as i would always get "they are the grandparents to the boys...." I didn't see it as my place to be anything other than supportive of her decisions

Anyway, when we set up together, about half an hours drive from where she used to live the grandparents laid it on thick about how they would be cut out of the boys lives and would miss so much - the boys made comments that can only have come from their grandparents who then took to plain old bribery to try and prevent our move, the boys got snazzy gadgets and devices and developed an " I want" default.. I called them out as toxic and told them If they couldn't be bothered to drive the 30mins to see their grandkids that was their choice - not my partners fault. I told my partner at the time that any relationship between them is not for me comment on but that I didn't want her toxic ex inlaws in our home, I sent the gadgets and gizmos back saying that they were probably best kept at the grandparents. I didnt want them drinking our tea, belittling my partner or putting me down in my home and equally didnt want their money splashed around OUR home. My partner agreed and despite being invited to take the boys out or see them in general they have visited twice in 12 months citing the 'long journey' On one occasion they stayed 20 minutes as they "had to get back for corrie". The biological dad is an exact replica of his parents, had a setup up of every other weekend, which he said he couldnt maintain when we moved. He makes 40k a year and live 20inutes away. Off every weekend and manages to golf, drink and dash off with his new gf all over the country.

The youngest, 5, is due to start some medical treatment this week. Nothing major but let's just say were preparing the bathroom.... its half term and his bio dad was asked if he wanted the boys over the hols to stay for a few days. He point refused and said he couldn't be bothered with the drama and would rather work. These are his own sons

I lost my head abit and was frustrated at his lack of interest in his own kids. I had a frank discussion with partner and she basically told me that she has grown so used to his disinterest that she doesn't bother challenging it anymore. I can understand that but yet on the odd occasion when he demands instant access to his kids, we have to change plans because my partner is guilt tripped by him as though she is being obstructive..

We still, as a family, have to bend to the will and whim of her ex and his parents. I know I might come across as the bitter new partner and will probably get the usual "your only the stepdad" rhetoric but I want to know what others think...

I'm raising his kids with my time, my life, money and my love. I'm grateful to be able to do it. Im so frustrated that he wont pull his finger out except to buy the latest games, toys, gadgets or clothes but we still have to keep him happy "for the sake of the boys"

How can I put at stop to the constant influences and tantrums from the ex and his family in my home! How do I get my partner to see that she can stand up to them and tell them to jog on? Without her feeling guilty?

Has anyone else had to deal with the ex-inlaws from a step point.

Or am just being unreasonable?

OP, what do you gain from trying to damage the boy's opinion of their dad? Maybe they see the time with him as something wonderful. And they would rather have their 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special to them.

Make what you will of your time with your partner, but in the long run these children will not appreciate your less than noble efforts to point out their father's failings. Those boys are probably quite aware of their father's shortcomings, even more than you are aware, but they probably love him with that awareness. You gain nothing by rubbing their noses in that which they already know and suffer.

Their father may be selfish and irresponsible ,but he does not appear to be petty or mean spirited. Perhaps both you and he could learn a little from each other.

Telling a 5 year old his dad prefers the pub to him is spiteful OP. I can see that you're driven to the edge of distraction by his poor behaviour, but that was still spiteful.

You either have to withdraw from the whole process of access or find some other place to take out your frustrations. I would have thrown you out for saying that to my child, it's cruel. Parenting is tough and this is one of the ways that it is tough - you go to the ends of the earth to protect your children even when that means excusing or minimising poor behaviour from another adult.

As someone who experienced the exact same situation as a child, I think that:

A) you sound like the best thing to happen to these boys. Please never underestimate what a huge difference the love and stability will have made to their lives.

B) Children of separated parents usually reach their own conclusions in their own time. One day they will both want to have less contact with their bio dad and his family if this performance parenting continues. No amount of gadgets and attempts at putting ideas in their heads (by grandparents) will cancel out what the boys will be noticing with their own eyes. If Dad can be bothered to play golf etc. But not drive 30 mins to see his own kids, they will eventually put 2 and 2 together.

C) as the child of a Mum who decided not to let us see our bio dad for precisely the reasons you've outlined, we've grown up resenting that. Kids really need to take the relationship with their non-resident parent as far as it goes and make their own minds up (unless of course it's a child protection issue). Otherwise you risk a huge backlash later on.

I know it's really hard to stand back and watch this and by all means support yoir partner to be more assertive but noone will thank you for doing more than that.

I thought elements of your first post made you sound controlling tbh but your post about telling the kids why their Dad isn’t having them was spiteful and damaging.

Not nice.

And to add - just seen what you said to them about their dad - it's not necessary and will backfire. Why hurt them on top of their dad hurting them?

told them both that the reason they are not going to their dad's, like they've been looking forward to for a while is because he would rather go to the pub.

Your partner seems to have a habit of controlling people in her life.

How dare you take it upon yourself to tell a child that?!

Between that and the “I sent the gadgets back” you need to have long look at yourself - your partner may frustrate you with how she deals with it, but she is putting her children and their best interests first.

Your post is all about you, your wishes, your feelings and your decisions. Who put you in charge?

I don't think I like the op at all. Poor children. It's even more controlling knowing they all live at your house. Which means the mother of kids is bitting her tongue with thr ex, grand parents and now partner. That's too much for one person to handle. I think the mother of the kids made a mistake here.

Why can't the kids have the stuff /gadgets their grandparents bought them if their mother wants them to have it? Either she's compliant or you are domineering if she went along with you returning the stuff her parents bought her kids without a whimper because you didn't want the stuff in your house.
That might cause a difficulty in the relationship with your wife's parents. I presume you 'sent them back' in a nice way or got your wife to find a way to tell her parents to take them back.
Without saying 'my partner said he didn't want you splashing the cash all over his house and when he's annoyed things are difficult for me. So watch it with the presents in future'.

@irene9

Why can't the kids have the stuff /gadgets their grandparents bought them if their mother wants them to have it? Either she's compliant or you are domineering if she went along with you returning the stuff her parents bought her kids without a whimper because you didn't want the stuff in your house. That might cause a difficulty in the relationship with your wife's parents. I presume you 'sent them back' in a nice way or got your wife to find a way to tell her parents to take them back. Without saying 'my partner said he didn't want you splashing the cash all over his house and when he's annoyed things are difficult for me. So watch it with the presents in future'.

It's not her parents. It's her ex husband's parents.

Wow you are a nasty jealous boyfriend. For starters, he's not their 'biological dad', he's their dad.

How dare you bad mouth him to his own children! And sending back gifts from their own grandparents?

Give your head a bloody great wobble. I'm guessing the mother is only staying with you as you are providing a roof over their heads.

I read the first post by the op and by the time i'd commented had seen what he told them. It was shocking and underlies a manipulativeness that is there in the first post had I not read it too quickly.

The more I think about I feel like it's impossible to know what's going on. Our stepdad protected us from the toxicity of our bio parents' relationship and I wonder how he would have described it at the time. I don't think he would have sounded as controlling as the op but in hindsight he really did protect us and was the only stable influence, and there is a chance the op really is adding something positive to these boys' lives.. But there are so many possible truths in this story....

@Lockedoorsopen

I sent the gadgets and gizmos back saying that they were probably best kept at the grandparents

They were not yours to send back. Thats spiteful

I actually feel sorry for your partner tbh

Yes, horrible to take things off the kids and send them back. It is spiteful.

@Mogul

He's their dad not their bio dad 😉

Actually I disagree.

He's their father or bio dad.

He's not a dad. Dads don't treat their children like this one does.

Ds call his "dad" his father or "name". He's not ever been a dad to him since he stopped seeing him at 2.5yo.

You need to just keep going. Show these boys you love them and want to be a dad to them. But please do try and hide how you feel about their father - but I agree that doesn't mean lying.

So rather than phrase it "dad would rather go to the pub" I'd simply say "sorry, dad isn't able to have you Saturday morning because he's going to works party on Friday evening. But we can do something instead of you want?". Kids realise for themselves who their actual mum and dad are in the sense of having their best interest at heart. But they can also be quite angry when this realisation comes about if they feel they've been influence by any party to feel that way.

My Mum used to tell us my Dad would rather go to the pubs than see us.

Those sort of comments created lasting damage to my self esteem and relationships.

You are completely right to be frustrated but you probably need to take a leaf out of your partners book. I feel sorry for her as she is clearly trying to do the right thing for her children and is stuck in the middle of two males - neither of which seem to understand what she's trying to do.

I think maybe couples counselling would help you both to express your feelings and hopefully come to a compromise where you both feel listened to and agree how to put the children first. You sound like a caring step dad and I'm sure this can be resolved.

The children WILL find out what he's like for themselves or even better, the Dad might come to his senses and start putting them first. My ex was a nightmare for a couple of years but I dealt with things the way your partner does and he know drives a total of approx 4 hours every weekend so it is possible (although I realise, probably unlikely).

The children will end up resenting you and/or their mother if either of you try to force them to take sides. It's annoying 'covering' for a shit parent but it's the best thing for the child. They will think they are not good enough - I know, I've been there!

*now not know!

@Mogul

He's their dad not their bio dad 😉

Sorry I disagree, their dad is the OP, the bio-dad is little more than a sperm donor.

Actually, I think that the kids get to decide who they think of as dad. That will be tied to their feelings and experiences. People may voice their particular definitions of dad vs father, but in reality the distinction if any is made by the person having the actual experience. This is not one of those decisions that is made by polling.

For those children receiving benefits from the state, some might just as easily think of the Dept of Social Services or Revenue as a parent.
They are able to eat, have shelter, receive medical care on an ongoing basis because of financial assistance and resources from the stste. These resources arrive and or available on an ongoing and timely basis. They are never grudgingly given, their is no favoritism shown and the state never speaks ill of the other parent. For many children, the state might well be the favorite parent/ parental figure. It is certainly the one that is most consistent and the one that never disappoints or disappears.

Such is the life of far too many children.

I don’t think anyone thinks the DWP is their dad, regardless of how much of their household income comes from benefits. 🙄

I told my partner at the time that any relationship between them is not for me comment on but that I didn't want her toxic ex inlaws in our home, I sent the gadgets and gizmos back saying that they were probably best kept at the grandparents. I didnt want them drinking our tea
You massively over stepped. And more than this.

It sounds like she went from being controlled by the ex and her inlaws to be controlled by you. Poor woman.

How gradually could you have possibly got to know them when you moved in together so fast, and have not yet been together two years?

You're not new here. You posted in November saying you'd been with your partner 18 months.

Telling a child their dad would rather go to the pub than seem them is absolutely shameful. And yet you claim to care about these kids?

At that point she had a six year old whom you claimed "belittled" you and was "arrogant". And you also said the dad had left the home when the little one was 3mo and had zero involvement since... so which is it??

I think your partner needs to take her boys and be shot of the lot of you, to be honest.

I think you will quite seriously emotionally damage these children if you carry on. Who are you to tell them that.

I'm afraid I agree with some of the PP's, you see it as pandering to the ex and his family, she sees it as trying to maintain a contact, no matter how shite, for her kids with their dad and family. Until the kids are at a point they don't want to have that, then this is what most women do- because they want their kids to be happy, and shitty little scraps from a shitty little father, until they realise better, does make their kids happy. She's stuck in between a rock and a hard place- she's got you on one side, and them on the other, and both are giving her grief. You about bending over backwards, and them about being so far away. Look at it that way- she's basically trying to do her best, with a shitty father, and can't win

@SD1978

I'm afraid I agree with some of the PP's, you see it as pandering to the ex and his family, she sees it as trying to maintain a contact, no matter how shite, for her kids with their dad and family. Until the kids are at a point they don't want to have that, then this is what most women do- because they want their kids to be happy, and shitty little scraps from a shitty little father, until they realise better, does make their kids happy. She's stuck in between a rock and a hard place- she's got you on one side, and them on the other, and both are giving her grief. You about bending over backwards, and them about being so far away. Look at it that way- she's basically trying to do her best, with a shitty father, and can't win

I agree with this.