Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Biological Dad unchallenged

55 replies

Stepdadnew · 11/02/2022 22:10

I have been with my partner for a few years now. When we met she had two boys from a previous relationship who are now 5 and 12. I gradually got to know them and they are wonderful kids who bring so much to my life that I didn't know was missing. I enjoy the step-parent role and getting to be a part of them growing into young men.

For context when we moved into together we did so into my house. This was bigger and gave everyone more space. The kids were involved throughout and we had a relatively smooth integration as it were.

My partner was, by her own admission, dependent on her ex inlaws before we met and they knew it. They were manipulative and would regularly let and put her down as a mother. She is nothing but wonderful. I never challenged this in the early days as i would always get "they are the grandparents to the boys...." I didn't see it as my place to be anything other than supportive of her decisions

Anyway, when we set up together, about half an hours drive from where she used to live the grandparents laid it on thick about how they would be cut out of the boys lives and would miss so much - the boys made comments that can only have come from their grandparents who then took to plain old bribery to try and prevent our move, the boys got snazzy gadgets and devices and developed an " I want" default.. I called them out as toxic and told them If they couldn't be bothered to drive the 30mins to see their grandkids that was their choice - not my partners fault. I told my partner at the time that any relationship between them is not for me comment on but that I didn't want her toxic ex inlaws in our home, I sent the gadgets and gizmos back saying that they were probably best kept at the grandparents. I didnt want them drinking our tea, belittling my partner or putting me down in my home and equally didnt want their money splashed around OUR home. My partner agreed and despite being invited to take the boys out or see them in general they have visited twice in 12 months citing the 'long journey' On one occasion they stayed 20 minutes as they "had to get back for corrie". The biological dad is an exact replica of his parents, had a setup up of every other weekend, which he said he couldnt maintain when we moved. He makes 40k a year and live 20inutes away. Off every weekend and manages to golf, drink and dash off with his new gf all over the country.

The youngest, 5, is due to start some medical treatment this week. Nothing major but let's just say were preparing the bathroom.... its half term and his bio dad was asked if he wanted the boys over the hols to stay for a few days. He point refused and said he couldn't be bothered with the drama and would rather work. These are his own sons

I lost my head abit and was frustrated at his lack of interest in his own kids. I had a frank discussion with partner and she basically told me that she has grown so used to his disinterest that she doesn't bother challenging it anymore. I can understand that but yet on the odd occasion when he demands instant access to his kids, we have to change plans because my partner is guilt tripped by him as though she is being obstructive..

We still, as a family, have to bend to the will and whim of her ex and his parents. I know I might come across as the bitter new partner and will probably get the usual "your only the stepdad" rhetoric but I want to know what others think...

I'm raising his kids with my time, my life, money and my love. I'm grateful to be able to do it. Im so frustrated that he wont pull his finger out except to buy the latest games, toys, gadgets or clothes but we still have to keep him happy "for the sake of the boys"

How can I put at stop to the constant influences and tantrums from the ex and his family in my home! How do I get my partner to see that she can stand up to them and tell them to jog on? Without her feeling guilty?

Has anyone else had to deal with the ex-inlaws from a step point.

Or am just being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Undecidedandtorn · 11/02/2022 22:25

You sound great and all these people sound like nightmares. But what your partner is doing is facilitating her children seeing thier dad. You have to focus on that - it's so important that they see him and it sounds like if she pushes things then the kids might miss out.

Pebbledashery · 11/02/2022 22:30

You sound like a great role model for these kids. But I agree with Pp, however shit he is, he is the kids father and she presumably doesn't want to appear obstructive, unfortunately for the kids sake you just have to let sleeping dogs lie.

Dyrene · 11/02/2022 22:31

You sound frustrated because your partner is not drawing appropriate boundaries and is allowing her ex and his parents far too much influence in your lives.

It’s reasonable to draw your own boundaries so you don’t end up drawn into this stuff.

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 11/02/2022 22:37

One of the hardest things as a parents (includes Step parents) is to love your kids more than you hate the ex.
That means biting your tongue so much it almost splits and just doing what is best for the children.
They will see the whole picture soon enough.
Took my dc till they were 15/16/17. Now the see he's a bell end. Yours will too

Original poster

Stepdadnew · 12/02/2022 11:47

@TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes

One of the hardest things as a parents (includes Step parents) is to love your kids more than you hate the ex. That means biting your tongue so much it almost splits and just doing what is best for the children. They will see the whole picture soon enough. Took my dc till they were 15/16/17. Now the see he's a bell end. Yours will too

Thanks for your reply. I know its such a catch 22

I don't think I'll have much of tongue left.

The boys were due for a rare morning at his next weekend. I'd planned a day for me and my partner. He got in touch this morning to say he had decided to go on a works night out so wouldn't be able to have them as he'd be hungover and with the now underway medical stuff he definately couldnt handle the aftermath with a bad head. I've had to cancel our time together again. It's so frustrating but then when I raise it I get told that it's not worth the hassle.

I just so wish I could make my partner see that she doesn't have to keep bending to him and tell him he is either involved or he isn't but the inconsistency for his boys is not doing them any good.

He wanted her to cover for him this weekend. I point blank refused and told them both that the reason they are not going to their dad's, like they've been looking forward to for a while is because he would rather go to the pub. I refuse to be complicit in his ignoring of his children.

I now have to wait for the whole "what business isn't of yours" from him and his family.

OP posts:

Goooglebox · 12/02/2022 12:24

I feel your frustration but that comment will only hurt your kids. It won't actually punish him. You sound overwhelmed and beyond the point of seeing rationally what will and won't be helpful. You need to somehow step back. Bear in mind that your partner finds it hard to stand up to people - don't become part of the problem. Many many women have to put up with shared parenting arrangements like this without complaint. Yes, it's a form of oppression and aggravating. I'm sure it's very annoying for a man who isn't used to having to put up with it. But your outrage now will force your children to take sides. Watch yourself.

Mogul · 12/02/2022 13:35

He's their dad not their bio dad 😉

FrippEnos · 12/02/2022 13:51

This is the classic you have a DP problem.

She needs to put some boundaries in place.

Tattler2 · 12/02/2022 14:01

OP, even though it may be frustrating for you, the boys may prefer to have inconsistent times with dad rather than no time with dad at all. The structuring is for the benefit of the boys rather than the convenience of the mom. Obviously both the boys and the mom have accepted that half a loaf is all that they are likely to get and they have made their peace with that. While you may not find that acceptable behavior on the dad's part, it is not your decision to make.

Stop stressing over a situation that you do not have the power to fix or change.

MrsBertBibby · 12/02/2022 14:23

Look, this guy is shit. You can't change him, and you can't shame him .

Getting angry is pointless. You might as well get angry with the rain for being wet.

What you are doing is making your partner feel anxious and guilty every time you kick off about it. So stop it. And stop trying to drag the kids into it. They won't thank you for it, and you will drive them to resent you.

Dyrene · 12/02/2022 14:30

@FrippEnos

This is the classic you have a DP problem.

She needs to put some boundaries in place.

I agree.

This is directly affecting the OP. He’s having to cancel plans because of it.

His partner is being very unfair to him.

Loopytiles · 12/02/2022 14:33

You say your DP is ‘nothing but wonderful’ but she hasn’t been at all wonderful with respect to handling her ex in laws or ex.

Loopytiles · 12/02/2022 14:34

The ex being a shit parent doesn’t excuse OP’s DP pandering to the ex.

Lockedoorsopen · 12/02/2022 14:45

I sent the gadgets and gizmos back saying that they were probably best kept at the grandparents

They were not yours to send back. Thats spiteful

I actually feel sorry for your partner tbh

MrsBertBibby · 12/02/2022 14:51

It isn't "pandering to the ex", it's enabling the children to have a relationship.

My son's dad was a useless obnoxious prick, but my partner and I sucked it up, gritted our teeth, and the result is my lovely young man who is full of love for his dad, despite also knowing his weaknesses and having no doubt where he gets actual functional parenting. We could easily have cut his father out, or poisoned my boy against him, but why the fuck would you do that to a growing human you love? Why would you make your child miserable?

MeridianB · 12/02/2022 14:53

Does the ex pay maintenance?

The idea of a 20 or 30 min drive being too far is a joke. So many people on here post about much longer trips every or every other weekend. They would do it if they cared.

I disagree that some time is better than none if he’s never consistent and let’s them down over and over. They need protecting from this. His hangover excuse and openly failing to support during his son’s illness is disgusting. Can’t believe he calls himself a Dad.

Can you persuade your partner of the benefits of some boundaries?

FantasticButtocks · 12/02/2022 14:55

Completely understand your frustration, but
told them both that the reason they are not going to their dad's, like they've been looking forward to for a while is because he would rather go to the pub.

Saying the above to young children about their (feckless) father is just plain destructive. Something they will absorb and internalise. They may not take away from that that he is useless, they are more likely to believe that they are not worth it.

It's a shit situation, but it is for your partner to handle as she sees fit. She's not doing a great job in your eyes, so your issue is with her, not with him and not with the dcs.

You and your dp could go to counselling together to get help with some strategies.

Ursusmajor · 12/02/2022 15:00

I think you need a back up plan for childcare for when you plan things for you and your DP. The kids’ dad isn’t reliable. Get someone else to watch them sometimes and go on dates/trips out together. Don’t make plans that rely on the dad as childcare if you’ll be upset about if they fall through.
Yes he’s a useless prick. But don’t make your reactions to his uselessness a bigger problem for your family.

Starlightstarbright1 · 12/02/2022 15:07

None of you are doing right by the kids.

Sending the gadgets back was wrong, telling the kids the exact reason was wrong. You could have easily said Dad said he can't make it.. there is a difference between lying and telling cold hard boundaries.

If Eow is all he wants then asking him to have holidays is pointless.

You need to learn to handle everything in the best interests of the children.

Not one of you is doing that right now.

Dad sounds flaky - he isn't going change

Is she getting maintenance?

TyrannosaurusRegina · 12/02/2022 15:09

"I point blank refused and told them both that the reason they are not going to their dad's, like they've been looking forward to for a while is because he would rather go to the pub."

You said that to a 5 year old? That must have been heartbreaking for them to hear.

Retrievemysanity · 12/02/2022 15:11

Your DP comes as a package. In that package are her kids but also her previous relationships to some degree. She sounds caught in the middle of a situation that isn’t all that unusual. You need to talk about this properly and establish some boundaries and agree on what you both think is acceptable.

Personally, I’d be supporting her in keeping the relationship with the ex and the in-laws going even though it’s hard, because the children presumably benefit from having contact. However, I certainly wouldn’t be changing plans when the ex demands instant access and you don’t have to have anyone in your home that you don’t like although to be frank, it sounds like it’s not the best place for them to have contact as the grandparents clearly don’t feel welcome or comfortable in your home. If your DP doesn’t agree then I think you need to decide how much of a deal breaker this is sooner rather than later.

SpiderVersed · 12/02/2022 15:16

You can't say stuff like that about their father, OP - that's a wee 5 year old boy and you're telling him his dad doesn't care about him. You put your feelings aside and concentrate on what's best for the children.

Be the bigger man.

ElevenSmiles · 12/02/2022 15:19

Quite a nasty, spiteful side you have OP.

Frigginintheriggin · 12/02/2022 15:29

My DDs father was far far worse than what you've described.
Not once did I bad mouth him. Nor did I prevent his (very sporadic) access. Unless he turned up pissed.
It took him monumentally fucking up for me to prevent contact, he didn't contest.

Your partner is currently putting up with a shitty exH who CBA with his own children. Obviously her children are her priority, therefore she is putting them first and doing what she feels is right and facilitating what meagre crumbs of contact he's offering.
All the while dealing with your mantrums in the background. Whilst I believe you're well meaning, I too think you had zero right to return the electronics to the in-laws and you were BANG OUT OF ORDER telling the children their father preferred to get drunk to spending time with them!!

In the nicest possible way, chill the fuck out and support your partner with her arsehole ex and the contact.
Oh, and pay a babysitter and have a fabulous night out!

NowEvenBetter · 12/02/2022 15:33

Your girlfriend needs to deal with this, it is not your place. For reasons best known to herself she picked this man to impregnate her twice and she needs to deal with the effects of that on the kids. She can get a court ordered access arrangement instead of whatever farce is going on now.
Neither of you can control what the father does. You were outrageously unreasonable to give away the kids toys and to tell your girlfriends kids that their dad would rather be in the pub. Literally damaging to them, and not your place at all.

Flip

1 2 3