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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How would you feel?

72 replies

ktb123 · 11/02/2022 09:03

I'm in a situation I'm not really happy about. Been with my boyfriend for 6 months, all is going well. Great Xmas, and got to meet all his family. He has sons 18 and 16. We all got on well, I have grown up adult kids. He has sons every other weekend., mine very much have their own lives and do their own thing mostly at weekends. When we're together on weekend he hasnt got his boys we will sometimes meet up for coffee with my mum and girls if they're around. We do lots together. Said around Xmas wanted to be able to see him when his boys are up for the weekend, just come over for an evening or afternoon just to hang out as we are a couple! so in Jan I arranged an outing for him his kids and mine when he had them to go out and socialise all was fine,
Come this weekend he has the sons not made one mention of doing anything together. I do have my own friends and am out tonight and to get my hair done tomorrow. Other than that nothing planned and I made a point to say oh I have a quiet weekend not a lot planned - he didn't make one suggestion to have me over or just a lunch on Sunday where he will be home with his sons anyway. Just not a great weekend for me and feeling left out,
AIBU to feel like this??

OP posts:

sassbott · 12/02/2022 08:42

So In 6 months (assuming 4 weekends a month), he has seen his children 12 weekends. You have been invited for 4 of those meaning that in a sum total of 24 weekends, he has been unavailable 8 of them. So in 6 months, he hasn’t been available for 16 days? Assuming 180 days over 6 months, he’s essentially carved off circa 10% of his time to focus on his kids.

Ok then. And you think your expectations are normal?

Oh and a virtual stranger sitting in their home will change the dynamic. You are being exceptionally unreasonable.

NeesAndToes · 12/02/2022 08:45

@sassbott thanks for doing the maths! I was trying to work it out myself but haven't had enough coffee.

OP I think you have to accept that at the moment you are an outsider to his children. The dynamic needs to be handled carefully if you want a long term chance of success.

bongobingo43 · 12/02/2022 08:48

@sassbott

Ok then. And you think your expectations are normal?

Oh and a virtual stranger sitting in their home will change the dynamic. You are being exceptionally unreasonable.

This 100%!

HomeHomeInTheRange · 12/02/2022 09:07

I guess I need to bring this up and not feeling good about it. It makes me look needy

You are being needy.

Your ‘right’ to see your partner? After 6 months?

You have grown up offspring of your own, you are not a mooning teenager.

Your girls are adults. He still has teens who need him to be Dad. It is a ‘thing’ for them if their Dad always has his girlfriend present at some stage in their time together.

Swap some self absorbency for some adult independence.

Your behaviour and attitude would drive me away.

vivainsomnia · 12/02/2022 09:25

I want to spend it with a partner with or without his sons as that's what a relationship is isn't it, you look forward to spending time with them, why half the year at weekends can I not do that
That's what you want, but clearly it's not what his kids or he wants, otherwise he would be inviting you. No, that's not what all relationships are like at all, not when you're older. It's totally normal for not wanting to mix your time with your kids and your girlfriend after 6 months, or sometimes even longer.

You can't do that because it's not what they want, and your wishes don't override that of their long established habits.

I have been - hmmm I think 3 or 4 times, atmosphere fine we have a chat together, they drink or eat, watch tv, they go on their phones - the same way my daughters act or any other teenagers?
Have t you considered that maybe that's how they were because YOU were there and that they are otherwise very different when they are with their dad alone.

You sound like the new girlfriend who expects the world to fit around her, put her boyfriend in a difficult position and slowly destroy his relationship with his kids do she can gave him for herself. Don't be that person. Giving him what really us an ultimatum is a very poor gesture to start a long term relationship.

Original poster

ktb123 · 12/02/2022 11:26

All this over a couple of hours on a Saturday night had a good discussion with a group of friends who are all in my situation, they all agreed it really shouldn't be an issue, his kids are old enough to accept their dad does have a life and should be happy that he has a partner who respects he needs time with his sons, they see it with their mum fgs!! I saw it with my parents, my kids seen it with me you can't molly coddle your kids forever.

OP posts:

excelledyourself · 12/02/2022 11:31

All this over a couple of hours on a Saturday night

Oh, the hypocrisy.

bongobingo43 · 12/02/2022 11:32

Exactly, it's a couple of hours on a Saturday night. Get over yourself and let him spend it with his dc.

Tbh, even if you were correct and you did have "the right" to spend every Saturday night with him, do you really want to spend it with him, knowing he's doing it due to an ultimatum and pressure from you, rather than cos he actually wants to.

If someone didn't proactively want to spend the time with me and I had to pressure them into it, id rather not do it in the 1st place

lunar1 · 12/02/2022 11:41

Possibly one of the most self absorbed people on MN, and that takes some doing!

toobusytothink · 12/02/2022 11:49

OMG you sound like a nightmare. My bf of 3 years sees his kids from Thursday night until Monday morning EOW. I miss him loads and he misses me but I have no “right” to be with him. I have my own life. Sounds as though you have gone from 0 to full on in a very short space of time. Why the rush to spend every second together. Enjoy time together and enjoy time apart. It doesn’t make the relationship any less valid just because you aren’t with him for a couple of hours on a Saturday. You sound very needy and desperate. And maybe he just doesn’t want you there!

toobusytothink · 12/02/2022 11:51

After 6 months and you expect his kids to accept he has a gf so must accept you around. You’re bloomin lucky they aren’t younger otherwise you’d be in for one hell of a shock. Yes he and you are entitled to a life but they are also entitled to see their dad without their NEW (yes you are still new) gf around all the time.

Fireflygal · 12/02/2022 11:57

you only live once so maybe I'm selfish and stubborn

You are showing insight with your comment as you are being stubborn and selfish. You don't have "right" to see his children because YOU are bored/lonely.

Teen boys will be very different when you are there.

I really hope your boyfriend doesn't feel bullied by you into changing his time. Tell him to head over to here for some support and advice!

MN is not known for supporting men so it shows how out of whack your demands are.

JackieQueen · 12/02/2022 11:58

Spending time with his kids is mollycoddling?

Jennyfromthere · 12/02/2022 12:05

I hear you, you’re not being needy as the unkind PPs have said. I was you. I am now married and wish I’d walked away at the stage you’re at. It never gets better, you’re always an afterthought whether it’s 6 months or 6 years later.

femfemlicious · 12/02/2022 12:06

poor kids... @ktb123 if their dad is daft enough to marry you..they are in for a rough ride

TidyDancer · 12/02/2022 12:07

Your friends are unlikely to be straight up honest with you about this, they will sugar coat even if they outright disagree.

I don't think you're going to accept you're wrong over this OP, so I hope you are taking in what people are saying even if you don't feel able to admit it. Maybe step away from the thread for a while but think about the situation more.

You're in a very new relationship and you don't have any rights to demand your BF's time when he's with his DCs. He's actually being quite sensible and a good parent and if you're able to look at this objectively you'll maybe be able to see that. Calm things down and take a step back. He is a parent first and the man you're dating next. And that's exactly how it should be.

PinkSyCo · 12/02/2022 12:34

Blimey you’ve only been with him 5 minutes and trying to control his and his kids lives already! Many couples don’t even introduce their new partners to their DCs as early as 6 months into the relationship. You need to chill if you don’t want your neediness to put him and/or his DSs right off you.

vivainsomnia · 12/02/2022 13:20

his kids are old enough to accept their dad does have a life and should be happy that he has a partner who respects he needs time with his sons, they see it with their mum fgs!!
Why are they old enough to be expected to be happy that you are around but you don't think there should be any expectation in you to be happy he gets to spend time alone with his sons. The dynamics will inevitably be totally different when you are not there. Boy talk, playing video games, talking football. What you want is to seat there with a glass of wine because you don't want to be alone on a Saturday night.

If your oh has any bag bones, he'll set you right. If not, as another poster said, he will spend his time trying to please ou and then them and noone will ever find happiness in the relationship.

Give it time, led your partner gave a life away from you, enjoy your free time too.

cherryonthecakes · 12/02/2022 13:31

Your friends are going to be too polite to tell you the truth - especially if you asked face to face.

You say it's just a couple of hours on a Saturday night so they should tolerate your presence but you are an adult woman who can surely fill a couple of hours of time on her own with solo activities.

It's not unreasonable for you to have a conversation about blending but you're being very intense for a girlfriend of 6 months.it's 2 hours- chill!

BitcherOfBlakiven · 12/02/2022 15:40

If it’s only a couple of hours what the fuck are you wanging on about it for then?

HomeHomeInTheRange · 12/02/2022 16:50

I think you need to find a partner who agrees with your Friends In The Right.

Maybe they can find you one?

NowEvenBetter · 13/02/2022 14:41

‘Partner’? 😄he’s a very new boyfriend
Don’t push in on the tiny amount of time he has contact with his kids, ffs, you can choose to see him any other day and time.

You come across really badly, refusing to listen to people and talking about your ‘rights’ to date your new boyfriend.

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