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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How would you feel?

72 replies

ktb123 · 11/02/2022 09:03

I'm in a situation I'm not really happy about. Been with my boyfriend for 6 months, all is going well. Great Xmas, and got to meet all his family. He has sons 18 and 16. We all got on well, I have grown up adult kids. He has sons every other weekend., mine very much have their own lives and do their own thing mostly at weekends. When we're together on weekend he hasnt got his boys we will sometimes meet up for coffee with my mum and girls if they're around. We do lots together. Said around Xmas wanted to be able to see him when his boys are up for the weekend, just come over for an evening or afternoon just to hang out as we are a couple! so in Jan I arranged an outing for him his kids and mine when he had them to go out and socialise all was fine,
Come this weekend he has the sons not made one mention of doing anything together. I do have my own friends and am out tonight and to get my hair done tomorrow. Other than that nothing planned and I made a point to say oh I have a quiet weekend not a lot planned - he didn't make one suggestion to have me over or just a lunch on Sunday where he will be home with his sons anyway. Just not a great weekend for me and feeling left out,
AIBU to feel like this??

OP posts:
NewYear8909 · 11/02/2022 19:41

You are not being unreasonable at all. He blends with your children and you have tried to blend with his but it sounds like rather than saying he isn’t ready or his children aren’t he has just avoided the conversation and ignored your attempts.

I’d have a conversation with him about how the relationship will progress, what the issues are and so on. Be understanding if his children aren’t ready but equally you are perfectly entitled to want a relationship with someone who is happy to include you in their whole life, so if for whatever reason your boyfriend isn’t prepared to do that, and has no plan to, I’d walk away as I don’t think you will get what you need from this relationship. And that doesn’t mean either of you are doing anything wrong, just that this isn’t the right relationship at the right time in either of your lives.

Original poster
ktb123 · 11/02/2022 21:47

Finally thanks for the reassurance @Magda72 glad someone gets it, Kids have to understand parents are also entitled to their time to spend with their partner and not need to separate these 2 important relationships. I would understand if kids were under 10 as I wouldn't be with that person in the first place. Why should I have to give up my right to see my partner (I'm talking a couple of hours in an evening or a bloody coffee on a Sunday) so I'm not around. No one else's problem than mine but I'm not prepared to put up with this 26 weekends a year.

OP posts:
sassbott · 11/02/2022 22:15

You’re not wrong to have your expectations. He’s not wrong to have his. People want what they want out of a relationship and those needs to be discussed and communicated. If both parties can reach a compromise, great. If not, then perhaps it’s a core compatibility issue.

I have teen boys. And my view is that yes, another person being there (albeit quietly drinking wine) will change the dynamic (because it does). More so when it is men/ teens together. At 18 and 16 he doesn’t have much time left with them, especially if it’s just EOW. Tbh I’d be doing the exact same as him. Why? Because my view is that for the rest of the month my time is free.

As an aside. My sons would have ZERO interest in spending time with their mums boyfriend of 6 months. Sure they’d be polite if I asked them, but given a choice they wouldn’t want it.

It’s down to you to figure our your needs and voice them. It’s down to him to figure out how much he wants to compromise. Personally if a partner of 6 months insisted on access to my EOW time with my sons? I’d end the relationship.

Because In my view it’s overly needy and all about them. It’s EOW contact. The rest of the time he’s free. 🤷🏽‍♀️

bongobingo43 · 11/02/2022 22:15

I guess I need to bring this up and not feeling good about it. It makes me look needy.

If having the option to see him 12 out of 14 days/nights isn't enough after 6 moths of dating then I'm sorry to say but it does sound incredibly needy

sassbott · 11/02/2022 22:19

Btw - I’m the mum in the above scenario and I have my sons more than EOW. But they wouldn’t give a monkeys about a bloke I was dating. And I wouldn’t want my rare time with them compromised (assuming it was EOW). Another person always changes the dynamics.

My exp used to drop in with his kids for a few hours EOW. I hated it and it impacted the whole household for the whole day he did. He thought (like you) ‘what’s the big deal.’

The big deal was it was my one day a week with my children when I wasn’t working and they weren’t in school. It felt like an intrusion on my time with them because it’s what it was.

Original poster
ktb123 · 11/02/2022 22:27

Ok selfishly ( well not really) I work all week and the only time I get to have quality time is at the weekend as I work hard. I want to spend it with a partner with or without his sons as that's what a relationship is isn't it, you look forward to spending time with them, why half the year at weekends can I not do that.
Well I think I'll go with my own opinion, maybe when people have kids get a bit of freedom they may understand my point of view

OP posts:
sassbott · 11/02/2022 22:31

@ktb123 you’re not wrong to want that, that’s our point. You’re at the stage when you’re completely responsibility free. With an 16/18 year old he isn’t. And he isn’t in the wrong for wanting to prioritise his weekends with them. That’s his choice and tbh in his shoes id make the exact same.

Talk to him and see what he says. If this is a fundamental incompatibility then you both have choices.

Bananarama21 · 11/02/2022 22:34

Christ your hardwork and needy he's entitled to spend time with his dc.id tun a mile if I was him.

sassbott · 11/02/2022 22:39

And IMO a healthy relationship is about respecting another needs and wants without forcing your needs over and above theirs. Which is what it feels like you’re doing and why you’re getting called ‘needy.’

Can you really not see why a 16 year old male, 18 year old male and their father wouldn’t find it relaxing to have a strange female they hardly know in their home with their father? Can you really not see how it would categorically impact their dynamic?

bongobingo43 · 11/02/2022 22:41

@ktb123

Ok selfishly ( well not really) I work all week and the only time I get to have quality time is at the weekend as I work hard. I want to spend it with a partner with or without his sons as that's what a relationship is isn't it, you look forward to spending time with them, why half the year at weekends can I not do that. Well I think I'll go with my own opinion, maybe when people have kids get a bit of freedom they may understand my point of view
You actually get the opportunity to have a lot more quality time with him than his own sons do. Yet in the precious time he does have to spend with his sons, he's supposed to spend it with you?

Think about it from their point of view. They already have less time than what you think is enough after only 6 months of dating

Original poster
ktb123 · 11/02/2022 22:42

@Bananarama21 I didn't say he wasn't. He's entitled to of course, Well he hasn't done a runner so far, and texts me all the time when he's with them, planning holidays and making other future plans. He likes me as I am
So independent and no drama attached.

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 11/02/2022 22:45

At 6 months in, you absolutely should be a part time girlfriend.

Red flags all over you. Can’t even leave the poor man alone for 4 nights a month.

sadpapercourtesan · 11/02/2022 22:47

@ktb123

Ok selfishly ( well not really) I work all week and the only time I get to have quality time is at the weekend as I work hard. I want to spend it with a partner with or without his sons as that's what a relationship is isn't it, you look forward to spending time with them, why half the year at weekends can I not do that. Well I think I'll go with my own opinion, maybe when people have kids get a bit of freedom they may understand my point of view
No, you were right the first time - it is selfish. Everybody works hard ffs. Most people work a full week and enjoy their weekends. It's irrelevant.

If you want to spend every weekend with a partner, then you need a different partner. Because this one is, quite reasonably, going to carry on seeing his children EOW and he doesn't want you there while he does it. Because you've only known each other 6 months and they don't know you.

The more you post, the more stubborn and self-absorbed you sound.

HadaVerde · 11/02/2022 22:53

Why should I have to give up my right to see my partner

🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
ktb123 · 11/02/2022 22:59

@sadpapercourtesan actually spent 2.5 years in a relationship with someone that I did spend every other weekend with with his daughter, from the same stage, so not exactly always the story. I saw that as a normal relationship and so did he.
Everything else works in this relationship, I know what I need to know, and you only live once so maybe I'm selfish and stubborn. I'll do what I need to do and know in my mind how I will sort this. I'm not overtaking his relationship with his boys and they see me as chilled back, you've really all got the wrong idea.

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 11/02/2022 23:01

Nah OP I think we’ve got you spot on and hopefully it won’t be long before your boyfriend figures you out.

You’re an adult woman with adult children yet you’re behaving like a teenager. 4 nights a month is all he wants to himself and his kids.

My ex had a girlfriend like you. She didn’t last more than a year because of behaviour exactly like this.

lunar1 · 11/02/2022 23:33

You really sound like there's no drama attached!

sadpapercourtesan · 11/02/2022 23:37

[quote ktb123]@sadpapercourtesan actually spent 2.5 years in a relationship with someone that I did spend every other weekend with with his daughter, from the same stage, so not exactly always the story. I saw that as a normal relationship and so did he.
Everything else works in this relationship, I know what I need to know, and you only live once so maybe I'm selfish and stubborn. I'll do what I need to do and know in my mind how I will sort this. I'm not overtaking his relationship with his boys and they see me as chilled back, you've really all got the wrong idea. [/quote]
So... you had a relationship with a man who allowed you to become part of his little girl's life after a few months? And you then split up and disappeared from her life? Lovely. Dad of the Year material right there.

Responsible parents don't behave like that. 6 months is very early to be introducing a new partner to children - even older children/teenagers. And it's a moot point in any case, because your DP doesn't want you there when he's seeing his children. So I guess you either respect his choice and try to come to terms with it, or you carry on putting yourself first, spit your dummy out and end up splitting up. I know where my money would be going Hmm

Original poster
ktb123 · 11/02/2022 23:57

@sadpapercourtesan I'll just be having an adult conversation, he'll confirm if he wants to continue in our relationship and decide if he's missing what we have outside of EOW, and then in an adult way we'll come to the conclusion, better than having a very childish exchange with someone like you on here Smile

OP posts:
sassbott · 12/02/2022 00:15

Wow. Your last post really comes across as borderline emotional blackmail language.

So he basically needs to fall in line with your wants or he loses the relationship? Wow.
You’d be shown the door by me before the final words had left your mouth.

Interesting how you’re not answering my very direct question of whether you genuinely think your being in the house with three men doesn’t change the atmosphere. It’s all about you, you, you

Original poster
ktb123 · 12/02/2022 00:20

I have been - hmmm I think 3 or 4 times, atmosphere fine we have a chat together, they drink or eat, watch tv, they go on their phones - the same way my daughters act or any other teenagers?!

OP posts:
lunar1 · 12/02/2022 06:28

So in a very short relationship, you have been around for 3/4 weekends when he only has time with his children EOW, but this isn't enough for you?

If he were posting everyone would tell him to run for the hills. You sound extremely manipulative, and this is just from your perspective!

Greenzone · 12/02/2022 06:38

@ktb123

Ok selfishly ( well not really) I work all week and the only time I get to have quality time is at the weekend as I work hard. I want to spend it with a partner with or without his sons as that's what a relationship is isn't it, you look forward to spending time with them, why half the year at weekends can I not do that. Well I think I'll go with my own opinion, maybe when people have kids get a bit of freedom they may understand my point of view
And the only time they have with their dad is two days out of 14.

I gather you see him during the week too although you don’t consider it “quality time”.

You’re being very needy, and very intrusive. It COMPLETELY changes the dynamics for them having dad’s girlfriend of 6 months over drinking wine on their one or two nights a fortnight with him, you are a stranger in their household.

And I speak as part of a blended family with kids aged from 16 to early 20s. YABVU

NeesAndToes · 12/02/2022 06:41

@ktb123

Finally thanks for the reassurance *@Magda72* glad someone gets it, Kids have to understand parents are also entitled to their time to spend with their partner and not need to separate these 2 important relationships. I would understand if kids were under 10 as I wouldn't be with that person in the first place. Why should I have to give up my right to see my partner (I'm talking a couple of hours in an evening or a bloody coffee on a Sunday) so I'm not around. No one else's problem than mine but I'm not prepared to put up with this 26 weekends a year.
You don't have a right to see your partner!! What if he doesn't want to see you! Seriously you need to calm down. It takes a lot of time to integrate a new person into an existing family unit you can't just bulldoze in there and expect it to work.
NeesAndToes · 12/02/2022 06:46

@ktb123

I have been - hmmm I think 3 or 4 times, atmosphere fine we have a chat together, they drink or eat, watch tv, they go on their phones - the same way my daughters act or any other teenagers?!
That sounds sufficient given you've not known him long. I imagine the different between this relationship and your previous ones are that the kids are older and so the dad doesn't "need" your help because he's not useless. This is a good thing.