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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How would you feel?

72 replies

ktb123 · 11/02/2022 09:03

I'm in a situation I'm not really happy about. Been with my boyfriend for 6 months, all is going well. Great Xmas, and got to meet all his family. He has sons 18 and 16. We all got on well, I have grown up adult kids. He has sons every other weekend., mine very much have their own lives and do their own thing mostly at weekends. When we're together on weekend he hasnt got his boys we will sometimes meet up for coffee with my mum and girls if they're around. We do lots together. Said around Xmas wanted to be able to see him when his boys are up for the weekend, just come over for an evening or afternoon just to hang out as we are a couple! so in Jan I arranged an outing for him his kids and mine when he had them to go out and socialise all was fine,
Come this weekend he has the sons not made one mention of doing anything together. I do have my own friends and am out tonight and to get my hair done tomorrow. Other than that nothing planned and I made a point to say oh I have a quiet weekend not a lot planned - he didn't make one suggestion to have me over or just a lunch on Sunday where he will be home with his sons anyway. Just not a great weekend for me and feeling left out,
AIBU to feel like this??

OP posts:

Wilma55 · 11/02/2022 09:06

It wouldn't bother me. They are his adult/almost adult children. I would just leave them to get on with it.

excelledyourself · 11/02/2022 09:11

I would feel that that is his limited time with his sons, and leave them to spend it how they like. Especially after only 6 months.

HollowTalk · 11/02/2022 09:12

So he is happy because when he is seeing his own children he's spending time with you and your family but when you're not seeing your own children you're expected to be on your own?

seekinglondonlife · 11/02/2022 09:14

You've been with him for 6 months, you are still at the getting to know each other stage. It sounds as if you want to blend the families or something already, and he is not on the same page.

LatentPhase · 11/02/2022 09:24

There’s a lots of your suggestions/expectations (now unmet) in your OP.

I can’t hear where he agreed with you about you coming over the weekend while his sons are there?

Maybe your BF isn’t yet ready for you to be ‘part of the picture of everyday life with them’ yet?

Honestly, read the billions of posts on here about the nightmare of blending! It’s super complex. My best advice is to go slower than you ever thought possible. Proceed with caution!

Have a lovely quiet weekend and don’t be sweating this stuff yet.

Original poster

ktb123 · 11/02/2022 09:27

Thanks, I get the he wants to spend time with them, and yes I do when I see my girls, but wouldn't exclude him at the same time. I'm feeling like a part time girlfriend which isn't nice for me. I'm only asking for a couple of hours here or there not the whole bloody weekend. I guess I need to bring this up and not feeling good about it. It makes me look needy.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 11/02/2022 09:31

You sound extremely needy, leave him alone to spend time with his kids.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 11/02/2022 09:32

If I only saw my DC every second weekend I'd be wanting to focus on them for those couple of days each month.

CagneyNYPD1 · 11/02/2022 09:33

It has only been 6 months. Slow down. You have fully fledged adult dc, he does not. He is still in parent mode. Your bf is absolutely right to spend the weekend with his sons by himself. Even a couple of hours meeting up with you will change the dynamics of their weekend and maybe they are just not ready for that.

He sounds like a nice guy. Chill.

CagneyNYPD1 · 11/02/2022 09:34

Oh and he isn't excluding you. He is with his children.

MaChienEstUnDick · 11/02/2022 09:35

You're feeling needy because you're being needy. He has healthy boundaries around his DCs, he isn't ready for you to seem a 'fixture' in their lives after only 6 months. He's allowed to do that. You have to either accept it or accept he's not right for you.

Chamomileteaplease · 11/02/2022 09:37

In answer to your question, I feel yes YABU.

You've been together six months! Also if he only sees his kids for four days a month of course he wants to have quality time with them.

And even if you just go for Sunday lunch it does change the whole dynamic of the day. Let him chill with his kids. They will be off into the world soon enough.

Ducksurprise · 11/02/2022 09:40

Plus his kids are still teenagers, not adult children like yours with their own lives. At 16 especially they still need parenting. They want to see their dad not his girlfriend. It's six months ffs.

Parky04 · 11/02/2022 09:47

He probably realises that at 18 and 16 seeing them every other weekend is not going to last much longer (I'm surprised it has lasted this long, especially with the 18 year old). He wants to spend as much quality time with them as he can. Sounds a decent person to me. Go with it OP as very soon his contact with his DC will be significantly less.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 11/02/2022 10:22

I was going to say what Parky04 has said. At 18 and 16 his boys won't want to be spending their weekends with dad much longer. They'll have their own lives to get on with, friends to meet etc, so he's making the most of the time while he can. I'm sure his boys probably like you, but I doubt they want to spend time with dad and his new girlfriend, they want to be with dad, and good on him if he's putting their feelings first. It's only 6 months in and you said it yourself, you're sounding a bit needy OP. If you make too many demands to be part of his family life too soon then you risk pushing him away.

LittleBirdBlu · 11/02/2022 10:33

You are being way too needy. It's 6 months in, why are rushing to be a fixture in his kids lives? Surely you can see that it is still very early days, and seeing you every weekend at this stage will be way too much. Your boyfriend has his priorities right and is putting time with his boys first.

I've been with my boyfriend over 18 months and we've only spent time with each other's kids in the last 6 months really, and even then it's been a handful of times. Slow down you are pushing for too much too soon.

Tattler2 · 11/02/2022 11:42

OP, how do you define girlfriend friend? How is being a girl friend different from being a wife or family member? When you sort the answer to those questions, you will probably have the answer to your own question?

Whatever the status of your dating relationship, yoh should not expect to be included in every aspect of a dating partner's life . Nor should he make those assumptions about your life.

Perhaps his son's do not feel the need or desire to have you always present when they are spending time with their father. They may not be intentionally excluding you, they may simply see no reason to have to spend their limited dad time in the company of his girlfriend. They may see Thu father's romantic life as something personal to him and not necessarily connected to their relationship with him.

At their ages, they may have girlfriends, but they would not expect their girlfriends to be an Integral part of time spent with their father.

If or when the time comes that they think if you as family, they may then think of you as a part of time spent with dad. Yoh can't rush these thoughts or feelings. Many kids and extended family members would not have necessarily even met a girlfriend of 6 months.

NeesAndToes · 11/02/2022 16:35

Why so keen to hang out with them? It will be really dull.

Original poster

ktb123 · 11/02/2022 16:53

Well it would yes if I was there all the time, as I said can't see an issue with a Saturday eve. Kids will be on their phones and we can chill with a glass of wine so not really damaging to their incursion of time. Is it.

OP posts:

theculture · 11/02/2022 17:05

It sounds like you have different baselines for what a relationship needs, it sounds like he is happy with the relationship but his requirements for you to spend couple time are less

Neither of you are right or wrong overall, but I respect prioritising his teenage kids for this short time before they spread their wings, and worry that if you push this issue you will end up causing a conflict in what sounds like a relationship that sounds like it's progressing along nicely

excelledyourself · 11/02/2022 17:07

@ktb123

Not really for you to say, since you barely know them

lunar1 · 11/02/2022 17:58

You have 26/27 nights a month when they aren't there where you can chill with a glass of wine with him if you want. They have EOW with their dad.

It's not like they are young kids and you will be blending in that way.

An extra person really could change the dynamic of their evenings together.

Maybe it just isn't the relationship for you if you can't let him have 4 nights a month with his DC.

NeesAndToes · 11/02/2022 18:19

Why do you want to chill with wine around his teenage kids? Bit odd. Much more fun to do your own thing and see him without his kids.

sadpapercourtesan · 11/02/2022 18:25

Great to hear about a dad who puts his kids first, and doesn't expect his relationship with them to dissolve when they hit early adulthood.

You've only been with him 6 months OP, of course he isn't prioritising you over his children. It may be bruising for you now, but look at it this way - he's a good man who takes his responsibilties seriously, which can only be a positive thing in the long run.

Magda72 · 11/02/2022 18:26

@ktb123 ignore all the needy comments!
To be honest to me it reads like you are both at different stages of parenting. You've reached an easy going stage where you dds are independent and not reliant on you. He however still seems to be in 'parenting mode'. You can't see the issue with everyone mixing here and there as they are all old enough - he still wants exclusive time with his dc. That's fine & is his prerogative but he should be letting you know this especially as he's happy to 'blend' into your extended life.
I would also say that it is entirely possible that he himself would be happy to have everything a bit more flexible but his dc may be very resistant to that. It's usual for an 18 year old to spend eow with his dad. I had this with exdp whereby his dc never wanted to deviate from access arrangements with dad & did not want me or my dc impacting on that.
That's totally fine when kids are younger but older teens and young adults should (imo) start branching out a bit & should not be so heavily dependent on their parents for entertainment.
I'm still in touch with exdp from time to time & his now 22, 19 & 16 year olds ALL still rigidly stick to the access arrangements they had when they were kids - something I personally find a little odd.
There's nothing wrong with what your bf is doing but given the ages of the dc it might be worth seeing exactly where he stands regarding you being around more as your relationship progresses.
Moving forward a few years I personally wouldn't want to be with someone whose adult dc still dictated my time with my partner (one of the reasons I'll no longer with exdp).

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