Are we being unreasonable?

[WonderingStepmum]

First time posting. Please be kind. Or try to anyway, I know that's difficult on here sometimes.

I have been together with my husband just over 3 years (recently married). My stepson is also just over 3 years. He was the result of a one night stand.

Generally co-parenting goes well, and everyone gets along. Because I've been with my husband since before his son was born, I have been more involved in his upbringing than most other stepmums I think. This is accepted by all parties so not open for debate here.

Anyway the one issue we are facing is with stepson's diet. His mother insists on feeding him a strict vegan diet only. It is incredibly difficult because he's a very picky eater and won't eat much that's not potatoes or pasta. He is sick, constantly. I know toddlers often get ill, nursery colds etc. But he is constantly feverish. We finally went to see a doctor privately and he seems considered with the diet, but I know there is some bias towards veganism. We got a second opinion and saw a dietician and they've all suggested we at least try to step away from such a strict diet.

My husband and I have started feeding him some animal products, eggs, some dairy etc. No meat however. My husband mentioned it to stepson's mum and she was furious. We currently have 50/50 but she wants to take us to court over this. I'm not sure a court order can even dictate what dad is allowed to feed his son but we also don't want to go through court proceedings.

Thoughts?

Would mediation of some kind be beneficial? Children can be raised in a vegan diet if they are getting everything they need, but if he's picky and limiting foods he could become unwell.

A vegan diet is suitable for toddlers. Rather than going against mums wishes could you try and work with your DS to improve his diet by introducing more protein and veg into his pasta and potatoes based meals? Would he like battered tofu, chips and peas for example?

My 2.5 year old is wanting to exist on a diet of crisps at the moment but will eat a wider variety of foods if;

1. We all eat the same meal together at the kitchen table
2. If we create a grazing platter and leave it on the side for her to pick at

We have tried EVERYTHING in my opinion. He does not want any kinds of meat replacements. I've tried cooking from scratch, all natural ingredients. Husband and I are both omnivores so I've even taken a vegan cooking class. Vegan cook books specifically aimed at kids. We eat the same meal, at the same time, at the dinner table. No dice. I've tried the grazing platter, he will eat but only the bits he wants, which is plain carbs (potatoes, pasta, bread). Tried making pasta sauces that incorporate all the healthy stuff. He'll take one bite, notice it's not what he wants and spit it out. He'll flat out refuse anything and go to bed hungry.

About a year ago we spoke to his mum about what on earth he eats at her house. She doesn't cool and said something like "haha right, only potatoes" so we don't have a lot of faith that he eats properly at her house either. It's just impossible to talk about it because she seems to take it as a personal attack.

Did he eat the animal products?

@HMG107

Did he eat the animal products?

He did, yes. Seems to be a big fan of the eggs.

@WonderingStepmum I think as long as your not giving him meat products then its a compromise isn't it? A vegetarian diet. Let her take you to court you won't need a solicitor she will have to pay to take you as you already have a set up in place.

If she thinks shes going to sit there and tell a judge her son has to be vegan then she's lost the plot unless she can provide medical evidence for it

@HMG107 going against mums wishes? Why as equal parents to the Dad do her wishes take precedent.

They have tried to follow it, seeked professional advice and are still compromising by maintaining a vegetarian diet.

I think I'd feed him what he will eat and let her take you to court in that case.

Do you have food diaries by any chance? Do you have evidence of his poor diet while trying to maintain a vegan diet.

When I was married dc were vegetarian as agreed.. When we split he fed them meat. Judge said as was his right in his time. Dc remained vegetarian when with me and Mcdonalds - eating carnivores when with df.. As you were op. She won't get a judge to agree with her unless on medical grounds.

My child would be eating a vegan diet over my dead body so IMO no you’re not wrong.

Also as your DH has 50/50 it’s highly unlikely the courts are going to make him feed his child a vegan diet.

It’s none of his ex’s business what he eats when at his dad’s house, so personally I would just crack on.

I think I would have a proper discussion with mum about this and find a compromise. Maybe a veggie diet at yours and she continue to keep up with the vegan diet at home. Does he take vitamins?

Why did you tell her fgs? You should have quietly done what you consider the right thing.

I agree with you btw. This child obviously needs much better nutrition.

This is really difficult. Effectively the lad isn’t a fussy eater per se, is he? He’s having dietary restrictions enforced on him which is causing the fussy eating. The fact that he was quite happy to eat eggs suggests that he’s open to trying new flavours and textures but can’t because of the restrictions imposed on him by his mother. I’m not sure who would be best placed to offer help and advice regarding this but it’s definitely something that needs sorting out now with all parties involved agreeing a way forward. I’d be concerned that the way he’s going at the moment, he’s going to develop an eating disorder of some description later in life.

Your partner should send a written message saying: "I think our son is suffering from malnourishment. Please give me a list of food that he will eat, as I am struggling to get him to eat anything except potatoes."

If she doesn't respond (or respond well) then I wouldn't hesitate to bring dairy into his diet.

@Hmum0fthree, I agree, we both feel this is an acceptable compromise because we have tried everything else....

@alternativePerspective, agree it's technically none of her business, but we're all about keeping the peace and not upsetting each other if we don't have to. Although it seems in this case we may have to.

@HollowTalk

Your partner should send a written message saying: "I think our son is suffering from malnourishment. Please give me a list of food that he will eat, as I am struggling to get him to eat anything except potatoes."

If she doesn't respond (or respond well) then I wouldn't hesitate to bring dairy into his diet.

This seems like a good idea and I will suggest this this evening!

He will also soon be old enough to make his own choices. From around 4/5 my dc were able to start to understand where their food came from and make choices.

I googled this too and it looks like nothing will happen if mum pursues this other than potentially sour your relationships.

It sounds tricky and a potential nightmare. If mum is furious is she likely to talk to DS and try and put him off trying foods at your house potentially restricting his diet further? If she receives a text stating you believe he's malnourished will this be like a red flag to a bull and make things worse?

Why is mum vegan?

Malnutrition, sorry, not malnourishment! I couldn't think of the right word!

Tbh if his dad has parental responsibility then it's not just up to the mum what the child eats!

I would make sure you or DH whoever usually communicates puts in writing that you've seen these drs who are concerned. You want to work with her to improve things for child, please can she give examples of what she feeds child.

And tbh if he'll eat eggs ok dad's time go for it. He sounds ill.

Isn't this bigger than mum and dad/step mum both feeding the child different diets in their homes? The focus needs to be on the long-term well-being of the child and not just their immediate needs.

My husband is 40 this year and although outwardly successful has low self-esteem due to the conflicting parenting he experienced when going between each parents home and how they reacted to this.

@HMG107

Isn't this bigger than mum and dad/step mum both feeding the child different diets in their homes? The focus needs to be on the long-term well-being of the child and not just their immediate needs.

My husband is 40 this year and although outwardly successful has low self-esteem due to the conflicting parenting he experienced when going between each parents home and how they reacted to this.

Yes but for now it sounds like the immediate needs are not being met. I would work on addressing a healthy diet first

@HMG107

A vegan diet is suitable for toddlers. Rather than going against mums wishes could you try and work with your DS to improve his diet by introducing more protein and veg into his pasta and potatoes based meals? Would he like battered tofu, chips and peas for example?

My 2.5 year old is wanting to exist on a diet of crisps at the moment but will eat a wider variety of foods if;

1. We all eat the same meal together at the kitchen table
2. If we create a grazing platter and leave it on the side for her to pick at

Actually a vegan diet isn't suitable for all toddlers.

My DH is vegetarian and we agreed before she was born we'd keep DD vegetarian at home, and when she was at her grandparents/out and about she could eat what she was offered until she was old enough to decide herself. Except, then she turned out to have an egg and dairy allergy, and my extremely strict vegetarian husband ended up cooking her beef as we were ultimately told she was quite anaemic. Her specialist (for other reasons) said while there was absolutely no issue maintaining her protein levels on a vegan diet it was almost impossible to get her iron where it should be - the quantities of iron-rich food you need to consume is just almost impossible for a toddler to get to. And that was with her being possibly the least picky child in the world.

I am fundamentally opposed to people raising small children vegan as based on our experience its almost impossible to do it properly when they're v small - I'm talking under the age of 3.

I do agree with others that, while she can't do anything if it goes to court, the best thing long term is a good co-parenting relationship. So, could you go back to the mother in the first instance and say, ok, we're really worried and this is why we did it. Lets go to a dietitian together and see. It would be cheaper to pay for a private dietitian than go to court I imagine. See someone who specialises in children, go jointly, explain the concerns. They'll give advise on portion size, balancing diet, etc etc. They might offer suggestions about ways to reach goals through a vegan diet, and may gently suggest eggs and dairy themselves, esp if you're clear one parent is open to it (note: do see a dietitian not a nutritionist)

It may help get mum a bit more back on side, and it means you'll have 100% explored all possible ways, and things will be documented. If at the end of it he is still rejecting the balanced meals/you are concerned, then you can go back to offering him whatever you think it appropriate. Is he in nursery? What does he eat there?

Why do the mother's wishes trump the father's when they share 50/50 responsibility? The boy's father (and OP) are within their rights to be concerned and question things!