Are we being unreasonable?

[WonderingStepmum]

First time posting. Please be kind. Or try to anyway, I know that's difficult on here sometimes.

I have been together with my husband just over 3 years (recently married). My stepson is also just over 3 years. He was the result of a one night stand.

Generally co-parenting goes well, and everyone gets along. Because I've been with my husband since before his son was born, I have been more involved in his upbringing than most other stepmums I think. This is accepted by all parties so not open for debate here.

Anyway the one issue we are facing is with stepson's diet. His mother insists on feeding him a strict vegan diet only. It is incredibly difficult because he's a very picky eater and won't eat much that's not potatoes or pasta. He is sick, constantly. I know toddlers often get ill, nursery colds etc. But he is constantly feverish. We finally went to see a doctor privately and he seems considered with the diet, but I know there is some bias towards veganism. We got a second opinion and saw a dietician and they've all suggested we at least try to step away from such a strict diet.

My husband and I have started feeding him some animal products, eggs, some dairy etc. No meat however. My husband mentioned it to stepson's mum and she was furious. We currently have 50/50 but she wants to take us to court over this. I'm not sure a court order can even dictate what dad is allowed to feed his son but we also don't want to go through court proceedings.

Thoughts?

@Marmm I agree the diet needs to be addressed but I believe a key consideration for dad and step mum needs to be how do we address this issue whilst avoiding long term negative consequences. The text idea step mum is putting forward is basically fighting fire with fire. If both parents take a confrontational stance its unlikely there will be a positive outcome.

His dad can feed him whatever he likes. But what a fundamental thing to disagree on - perhaps mediation is needed to find a way forward.
I like a PP’s suggestion to ask mum to provide details of things their child is willing to eat. And in your situation I’d definitely consider which vitamin/mineral supplements could be beneficial.

15:41WonderingStepmum

HollowTalk

Your partner should send a written message saying: "I think our son is suffering from malnourishment. Please give me a list of food that he will eat, as I am struggling to get him to eat anything except potatoes."

If she doesn't respond (or respond well) then I wouldn't hesitate to bring dairy into his diet.

This seems like a good idea and I will suggest this this evening!

I wouldn't advise this as it suggests that the previous discussions and communication hasn't happened.
I'd simply email, that further to previous conversations about the poor diet and the fact have sought medical advice, you reiterate that you will continue to be feeding a vegetarian diet (if that is the intention) and that if she wishes to follow through on her threat to go to court, you welcome the 3rd party involvement as have faith that safeguarding your son will be their focus and priority.

To me that summarises the conversations, what you have done that you're not scared and indeed welcome it. That alone maybe enough to take the wind out of her sails.

@nurserypolitics thank you so much for typing this all out! I agree with all of it.

He goes to nursery only part time (mornings) and doesn't have meals there usually except a snack that we pack.

In the past we did suggest going to the doctor's or a dietician together but she has declined each time because "I'll take him and let you know what they say" which is why we went privately without her. But that was a while ago so worth suggesting it again.

@nurserypolitics completely agree.

Whilst it's perfectly possible to get all the nutrition you need on a vegan diet, it does require a bit of thought and a lot of variety in what you eat.
Lots of adults don't manage to get it quite right, for a fussy toddler to be getting everything they need to grow and thrive would be very difficult.

OP, I think your DP needs to stick to his guns here and explain that when his son is with him, he gets to decide what to feed him.

If I were your DP I would be feeding DSS as much of a varied diet as I could. No need to get mum's approval. I actually think it would be neglectful to keep feeding him only potatoes because his mum says so, when there are other foods he will eat which will contribute to his health. Better two food groups than one! Even though it may seem hopeless, I recommend still offering fruit and veg with meals too and suggesting he try them. One day he may surprise you and broaden his repertoire.

Sorry, I didn't mean that you ARE being neglectful - I think you are doing the right thing. I strongly feel you should keep it up.

A restricted diet is perfectly possible ( I instructed by DD's dietician to only feed her a vegan diet at one point for medical reasons). That said, you've got to manage it really carefully to ensure all nutrients are being provided. It's doable but extremely difficult to ensure you incorporate enough of everything- or at least I found it to be so. It matters less what the nutrients come from, more that they are being taken in!! Bottom line the child needs the right nutrition. It's really tough gig with a toddler.. mine was a nightmare to feed at that age! It took years to get her to be a little more adventurous with what she would eat.

Any idea why is his Mum so set on a vegan diet or what she feeds him? Was she involved in the private doc/dietician discussions?

That all being said, food is not something to battle over though, so if I were you I'd be trying to find a compromise that Mum could live with even if you feel (and she is) being ridiculous. Conflict around this if Mum digs her heels in could really impact on the child.

If its a concern about animal welfare - would keeping chickens be a step too far for you? Its just all the vegans I know who are vegan for ethical reasons are often more relaxed about their dcs eating eggs from what are essentially pets, not farmed. (We live on the edge of a small town and it does seem that everyone who hasn't bought a puppy has bought chickens.)