What to do about SD?

[jellyfish1988]

We are just so fed up at the moment and any advice appreciated

Technically she isn't my SD as DP and I aren't married but we have been together 8, nearly 9 years so I sort of see her as my SD)

I will try and give as much info as possible without making it too long...

DP and his ex have a 16-year-old daughter together. He left his ex 11 years ago after finding out she was having an affair. From what I've heard, she really dragged out the divorce and didn't want to separate.

When he told his ex about me, she stopped him from seeing SD. She phoned him up constantly, screaming down the phone, emailed his work and harassed his family. She eventually let him see SD again.

One of the times he went to pick up SD, his ex threw herself at him while I was in the car He left straight away and she stopped contact again - she does this a lot.

My relationship with SD has always been on / off. Sometimes she would come to me for advice about boys and friends at school then other times she would scream at me that I'm a slag and I stole her daddy away from her or that I'm only after his money. The first time she did it, DP really told her off - even I was a bit scared! She told her mum about it and of course she stopped contact again until it was all dropped and forgotten about.

Since then SD has come over, she has trashed my things and I've even caught her stealing from my bag! DP asked her why she hates me so much and she said she would hate anyone he was with, it's not me personally Whenever he tells SD off, she goes crying to her mum and then her mum gives DP a hard time too. His ex told him to leave me and that would "solve the problem."

DP told SD if she cannot respect me then she cannot come over. I am grateful he's standing up for me but now SD thinks he's choosing me over her so now hates me even more.

SD hasn't been bothering with us recently and she only messages her dad when she wants money for something. We have a much quieter life at the moment but I can see it is breaking DP not seeing her. We are just waiting for the next big drama

@BattenbergdowntheHatches

Stealing and destroying another adult's belongings, who has nothing to do with the reason your parents split up, is never OK

Totally agree, but neither is it okay to tell a minor they’re not welcome in their parent’s house. Even more so if you know the other parent is a POS.

She is welcome in her parent's house though... As long as she treats dad's wife with the respect she deserves in her own home.

Asking a teenager to show basic human kindness and not steal is not the ask people here are making it out to be.

My eldest over 9 years and now a n early teen - is far more vocal and critical of his DF and angry with both him and OW( he had the affair) He has thank fully now split from the OW and now with a lovely lady.
However, he does have to meet her on occasions as OW is the mother of their sibling.
As I said to him - respect is earned not automatically given. Be polite and kind and that is all I can ask from you. YOu do not have to like her or her actions but you will be polite.

There is no excuse for destroying OPS stuff and she should be told so but to scare people and ban her from home is not the way to go about it.

Having said that younger DC did confess a few years after EX left OW that he had peed in all her boots. It was too late to do much and it did make me smile but he still got told behaviour unacceptable. Eldest and youngest were high fiveing over the memory.

Her DF has made it clear to his DD that he will prioritise his DW over his child on the backgorund of DMs words - how humiliating and soul destroying for a teenager who has not been helped through this trauma and been ghelped to find a coping mechanism.

I completely agree that she should be banned from your house until she can behave in a respectful way. It's not on that she steels your things, not trashes your property. That's unacceptable and she wouldn't be coming in my house either.
Your DP can see her outside of your home and take her out etc but then I see what as rewarding her and treating her to meals and cinema dates; she's never going to change if those treats are on offer.
Pick her up from school, pack a picnic tea and stay outside in the cold and rain until she can behave.
It's not "poor child". She's old enough to understand her actions are wrong and until she can feel change then she shouldn't be allowed in your home, not treated to even if a or days out!

@Finallylostit

her fathers home is her home - sorry he has effectively kicked her out

Ridiculous comment.

@ilovemyboys3 so if said child does the same thing at the other parents house they should ban her from said house aswell? So then she would have no home?

She should be told to respect op and be polite and civil and disciplined for her actions and behaviour but u can’t just ban your children from their home if they are a minor that’s despicable and I’d go as far as saying neglect!

[quote Lalala1]@ilovemyboys3 so if said child does the same thing at the other parents house they should ban her from said house aswell? So then she would have no home?

She should be told to respect op and be polite and civil and disciplined for her actions and behaviour but u can’t just ban your children from their home if they are a minor that’s despicable and I’d go as far as saying neglect![/quote]
It's not her home, the op has stated she stays "occasionally". If she cannot behave and respect the op or her things then no she shouldn't be allowed there. She's not treating her mother or her mothers home in the same way so your point is irrelevant

ilovemyboy - her fathers home is her home she is his child.

Glad you are not my childrens step mother. Nowhere has OP said she comes over occasionally but who would balme her - her father has made it absolutely clear she is not welcome and has made no effort to help her deal with her anger for the situation both her parents have left her in.

Would love to tell my 14 yr old to leave home and live with his Dad full time on occasions when we are in full teenage strop but this is his home and banning him is not an option.

You do not come across well

@ilovemyboys3

It is relevant! U can’t just ban your child from their home and it is her home wether she stays often or not it’s her fathers and she’s a child.
No one is saying the daughter is not responsible for her actions she shouldn’t be doing what she has done to the op and her things but to BAN your own child from your home is drastic and wrong discipline her yeah tell her she needs to be respectful but it’s so completely wrong to not allow her in her home wether that’s to spend time with her father or to spend the night! Your suggestion of a picnic in the park is ridiculous the op could take herself to the park when daughter is over?? Yeah ok she shouldn’t have to but neither should his daughter.
OP I’m not saying it’s your fault at all she is wrong for what she’s done and should have consequences but your DP needs to understand banning her from her home is the wrong way to deal with this and will be hurting his daughter emotionally and in the long run will only hurt his and her relationship in the future

@Finallylostit a 16 year is more mature (or should be) than a 14 year old. A 16 year old is actually allowed to work (as long as the work involves training), while a 14 year old must be at school.

If as a teenager I trashed anyone in my dad's and SM's household stuff then I rightly wouldn't be allowed to place a foot in their house. However I wouldn't be homeless as I could live with my mum or another relation. The OP SC is in this situation.

[quote Lalala1]@ilovemyboys3

It is relevant! U can’t just ban your child from their home and it is her home wether she stays often or not it’s her fathers and she’s a child.
No one is saying the daughter is not responsible for her actions she shouldn’t be doing what she has done to the op and her things but to BAN your own child from your home is drastic and wrong discipline her yeah tell her she needs to be respectful but it’s so completely wrong to not allow her in her home wether that’s to spend time with her father or to spend the night! Your suggestion of a picnic in the park is ridiculous the op could take herself to the park when daughter is over?? Yeah ok she shouldn’t have to but neither should his daughter.
OP I’m not saying it’s your fault at all she is wrong for what she’s done and should have consequences but your DP needs to understand banning her from her home is the wrong way to deal with this and will be hurting his daughter emotionally and in the long run will only hurt his and her relationship in the future[/quote]
Why is my suggestion of a picnic tea ridiculous? If a 16 year old, can can legally get married and have children, cannot behave responsible enough in this home then she shouldn't be trusted to enter. Why would the op go to the park when it is her home that this 16 year old is trashing, it's not just they don't get on. She's steeling her things and physically ruining her makeup and bedsheets etc.
she certainly wouldn't be allowed in my home.

There’s a difference between demanding respectful and decent behaviour and throwing a child out because they don’t behave as you’d like towards one of you.

If this wasn’t a blended family it wouldn’t be ok to e.g. tell a 16 year old that she wasn’t welcome while she behaved in this way towards her mother, so it’s equally not ok when it’s the stepmother.

The man has most definitely chosen his DW over his daughter, and it goes without saying that she is likely to be resentful of that.

My own DS dislikes his dad’s DP immensely, not least because whenever she and ex have rows she screams insults about me, makes threats towards him etc.

DS has decided of his own accord to no longer go over there, and his SM blames him entirely and eXH won’t have a bad word said against her.

DS does now have a relationship with his father which is independent of his partner, but that is not a healthy dynamic to pursue, because the upshot is that DS has no relationship with his half sibling either.

Choices on both sides have consequences. If she’s rude then she needs pulling up on that. But if she’s banned from the house then you will never be a blended family.

Has he thrown her out? I think the Op stated that she was held to account on her behaviour and told that if she can't behave with courtesy then she is not allowed over. There's a difference.

I don't understand this concept that the SD can be a complete monster towards the Op in her own home (not the child's home at all) and the stepmum has to take it.

[quote BattenbergdowntheHatches]@Dollyparton3 because the stepmum is a grown ass adult and the SD is 16 and damaged.[/quote]
A grown ass adult who shouldn't have to put up with such disgusting behaviour from a grown ass child who is 16!!
Why should she be treated this way in her own home; this isn't the sd home, but it is the ops. Why should step mothers have to put up with such shitty children? We are humans too and are entitled to a nice life. This 16 year old is accountable for her actions: she's not 6! If she cannot behave then she shouldn't be allowed over. Simples!

@BattenbergdowntheHatches

Why should she be treated this way in her own home; this isn't the sd home, but it is the ops

If her father lives there, then it should be the SD’s home. More so as the mother is deficient as well.

The OP chose to get it on with a man with a child. Teenagers are hard work non-shocker. Damaged teenagers with sub-optimal parents even more so.

It is t condoning her behaviour to point out that the SD seems very troubled (and no wonder) and that support rather than opprobrium might be a more intelligent response. And neither parent is covering themselves in glory here.

The standard "the op chose to get with a man with children" fgs it's always the same old excuse for shitty kids. Your clearly not a step mum, but a mother to a bratty child with a step mum I'm guessing, the same step mum who you put down on every occasion possible?

NO ONE deserves to be constantly disrespected in the safety of their own home. NO ONE deserves to have their property destroyed or stolen on a regular basis. It doesn't fucking matter that this poor troubled child has been failed by her parents. Your home is to supposed to be your safety, and OP has to live in a constant state of anxiety in her own home because of this child.

She has another home with her mother, so she is not homeless. If she was, that would be a different story but it's not the case here so irrelevant.

This child is sixteen years old. SIXTEEN. She is almost an adult. Do you think ANYONE is going to put up with her shit because she's had a troubled past? Some people just need to walk face first into a wall before they get it.

@BattenbergdowntheHatches

Your clearly not a step mum, but a mother to a bratty child with a step mum I'm guessing, the same step mum who you put down on every occasion possible?

Neither. I’m still married to the father of my DC. You sound delightful though.

Well until your put in the situation the op is in, perhaps refrain from giving your opinion

@BattenbergdowntheHatches so you're just here for rubbernecking really are you? I had hoped that you had some perspective or tenure in the subject that gave some credibility to your opinion but in reality you're here to offer your view based on no experience and in a sofa judgemental way.

I'll make a note to screen your missives on the step parenting pages now.