What to do about SD?

[jellyfish1988]

We are just so fed up at the moment and any advice appreciated

Technically she isn't my SD as DP and I aren't married but we have been together 8, nearly 9 years so I sort of see her as my SD)

I will try and give as much info as possible without making it too long...

DP and his ex have a 16-year-old daughter together. He left his ex 11 years ago after finding out she was having an affair. From what I've heard, she really dragged out the divorce and didn't want to separate.

When he told his ex about me, she stopped him from seeing SD. She phoned him up constantly, screaming down the phone, emailed his work and harassed his family. She eventually let him see SD again.

One of the times he went to pick up SD, his ex threw herself at him while I was in the car He left straight away and she stopped contact again - she does this a lot.

My relationship with SD has always been on / off. Sometimes she would come to me for advice about boys and friends at school then other times she would scream at me that I'm a slag and I stole her daddy away from her or that I'm only after his money. The first time she did it, DP really told her off - even I was a bit scared! She told her mum about it and of course she stopped contact again until it was all dropped and forgotten about.

Since then SD has come over, she has trashed my things and I've even caught her stealing from my bag! DP asked her why she hates me so much and she said she would hate anyone he was with, it's not me personally Whenever he tells SD off, she goes crying to her mum and then her mum gives DP a hard time too. His ex told him to leave me and that would "solve the problem."

DP told SD if she cannot respect me then she cannot come over. I am grateful he's standing up for me but now SD thinks he's choosing me over her so now hates me even more.

SD hasn't been bothering with us recently and she only messages her dad when she wants money for something. We have a much quieter life at the moment but I can see it is breaking DP not seeing her. We are just waiting for the next big drama

It sounds like it's best for DH to see her by herself in like a cafe or something now she's old enough to know her own mind.

The ex sounds scary

Any chance she’d attend counselling with your DP? The SD that is

It sounds like it's best for DH to see her by herself in like a cafe or something now she's old enough to know her own mind.

Or a pub that serves food so they can take their time.

Then when she eventually moves away from living with her mother e.g. goes to university, he should ask if she is happy to meet with you as well in a public place.

If she then behaves then you should meet up a few times more in a public place.

Then as long as she doesn't move back to live with her mother permanently continue meeting up with her until you feel safe having her in your home in the day for a few hours and slowly progress to an overnight.

If she ever screams at you, then your DH needs to go back a step until she behaves again.

@BattenbergdowntheHatches

Poor girl.

Agree seeing your DP by herself is best. Tbh he doesn’t sound like a great parent (and neither does her mother).

I don't think this is a fair comment, the nuances and complexity of parental alienation on the part of the mother are at fault here. When a non RP is on the receiving end of this it's incredibly difficult to counteract it.

I agree that the way forward is to maintain contact with you completely out of the picture. This is what we do for SD now and she's starting to understand a little bit of cause and effect. I have two SC, so one comes to us whenever he wants and SD has to be met on neutral ground. Slowly the penny is starting to drop that you can't treat people with contempt and expect to still come and go as you please in their home.

DH in our case religiously stays in contact with SD, calls her every day, meets her regularly, he just compartmentalises our life together from his relationship with her. Unfortunately everything we did together was critiqued by her so limiting her awareness of what we're up to has taken some of the venom away.

For the record, I had an amazing relationship with my SD until a couple of years ago, I wasn't the evil stepmother or the other woman. But I could have been anyone, her mother is just bitter and resentful of DH moving on

DP told SD if she cannot respect me then she cannot come over.

He made her choose between her Dad and his wife. In an already conflicted teenager for what ever reasons - this was stupid without first working out a solution. Neither parent has behaved or cared for their daughter well over 9 years - extremely sad for her. No one has bothereed to help her work out her internal conflicts few by both parents -
your DP defends you ( great) but punishes and humiiates his DD in the process
Her DM feeds her what ever she does and uses her as pawn.

What a mess with a teenager who is going to lost contact with her Dad

@Finallylostit none of us know the exact words the OP's DP said to his DD.

However the OP pays towards her joint home and she isn't the child's parent.

The SD is old enough to know there are consequences to her actions.

The consequence is that she isn't allowed in the OP's home. It doesn't mean her father should stop seeing her.

I think if you've got to this many years you're better off emotionally detaching and not trying to force a relationship with her. Your DP is showing that he respects you but he obviously cannot cut off his relationship with her, he will just have to see her alone. Until she's a mature adult, I wouldn't hold your breath regarding a lovely family life with her. Just detach from it and don't force her to try and like you.

I think op is in a rock and a hard place, if her dp wasn't sticking up for her, we'd all be saying she has a dp problem.

OP, your partner can spend time with his daughter away from your house. He can do lunch, dinners, movies, concerts, ,etc. He can attend her school events, maybe do weekends with grandparents if they are near by.

There are many ways in which he can have regular and ongoing contact with his daughter that need not involve contact with you. If she feels (rightly or wrongly) that her dad chose you over his relationship with her, that is an issue that he should focus on working through with her. He is an adult who should be able to compartmentalize his life when necessary. It seems as both of this child's parents have failed her and are continuing to do so.

You should not be waiting for any drama. Your relationship is with your partner, and you should step away from any and all of his interactions with his daughter. You should not discuss meetings with or messages from his daughter. If she messages him about meetings or requests for money, there is no reason for him to involve you in the communications. Let him know that you are disengaged and that he should handle those situations as appropriately as any other caring father would handle them. Ultimately. he and his daughter will have to deal with the shambles that they are making of their relationship and over time, as unfair as it may be, they may both blame you for the estrangement and lost time together.

her fathers home is her home - sorry he has effectively kicked her out

redwings - the OP wrote what her DP said to his DD - I did not make that up.
I don't blame the OP in anyway - I blame two poor parents not helping their child in the situation they created. They have had plenty of time to help her and have not.

She is angry and needs to learn how to control and direct her anger and she needs help doing that - not being kicked out of her fathers house - which will undoubtedly play right into some of the mothers rhetoric about her being abandoned. What a mess.

Hi everyone, I have had a quick read through the responses and I want to thank you all for your advice. I realise this is a delicate situation and needs to be handled carefully. DP and I will sit down tonight and read all the replies properly and make a plan moving forward

That poor girl has been let down terribly by both her parents. Her mum sounds deranged and I couldn’t be with a man that told his daughter off in a way that made me feel scared (never mind how she must have felt), or that threatened to stop seeing her.

You shouldn’t be subjected to her behaviour. But her dad should be seeing her as often as possible, alone if needed. She sounds like she desperately needs to know her dad loves her and probably counselling too.

He did choose you over her.
He kicked her out of what should be her home because he cares more about you than her. No decent parent kicks their minor child out. Her mother sounds awful but he is too. I feel so bad for your step daughter. Both her parents prioritize themselves over being even mediocre parents to her.

I'm really sorry Op but it sounds like you'll be one of those step families where dad's partner isn't a part of his children's life. It's completely OK, many families are like this. You don't need to be there when he has contact with her, I think it'll just make it worse. Allow your DP to see her alone and just have no part of it. The more you force it the worse you'll make it.

@DHCaughtMeSoNC Thank you! That is a great idea. I will suggest it to DP when he is home. She is a bit scary but I keep out of her way and leave DP to deal with her.

@sassbott DP did mention counselling (but just for her) a while back and she shrugged it off but I think you’re right, it’s worth looking at again, thank you!

@BattenbergdowntheHatches thank you for your response. I do feel really bad for her. I don’t think she’s a bad kid, she’s just not sure how to deal with it all and neither do we. I think we could have all done things differently. Hopefully we can put it right.

@RedWingBoots Thank you!! I think this is exactly what we need to do. I’m going to suggest it to DP tonight. I agree she is old enough to understand the consequences to her actions. DH has collected SD from school before and while I’ve been at work, she has gone in the bathroom and emptied all my shampoo/conditioner/toiletries in the bottom of the shower and put makeup all over the bedsheets, these are just some examples. I’ve had jewellery go missing and she once stole her dad’s card to our joint bank and ordered herself things online. She refused to give the card back so he had to report it lost. I don’t think DP was in the wrong to temporarily ban her from coming over but apparently not a lot of people agree!

@Dollyparton3 I’m sorry you’ve been going through a similar situation yourself and thank you for standing up for my DP! You’re right, it is a very complex situation and he’s just out of his depth. I suspect a lot of her behaviour has something to do with her mother but it’s not my place to say. I hope your relationship with your SD recovers soon.

@Finallylostit I agree she definitely has some issues and the situation is not helping at all. DP hasn’t cut contact with her completely. He texts / phones her every other day. She often ignores him or gives one word answers. I really hope they can mend their relationship.

@Shakespearesist3r thank your for your advice, it’s been very helpful. I’ve always tried to make the effort with SD but I’ve always felt like I’m treading on eggshells with her. I am not going to force anything and leave it all on her terms. I’m just worried she will turn round one day and say I gave up on her or never bothered with her.

@Tattler2 I’m going to suggest to DP tonight that he takes her out on his own and then I am going to keep out of it. I think we have all failed her in some way but we are trying to put it right.

@Just10moreminutesplease Sorry, I didn’t mean scared, I just meant I was shocked to hear DP raise his voice. Usually he just tells her to pack it in or calm down but this time he told her off properly. I am not scared of my DP at all. I think he is going to try arrange some counselling through the doctors or the school maybe, it’s something we need to look into. I appreciate the suggestion.

@AllosaurusMum Sorry, I probably should have added some more info. He hasn’t chosen me over SD, there is room for both of us in his life. He is still in contact with her but at the moment she’s more interested in her boyfriend than seeing or speaking to her dad. She hasn’t been kicked out, she lives with her mum most the time and would occasionally come over after school or one day on the weekend but for now that has stopped.

I hope I tagged the right person to the right reply, I’m sorry if I’ve messed that up! I’m just waiting for DP to get home so we can have a sit down and talk about it all.

@Shakespearesist3r

I'm really sorry Op but it sounds like you'll be one of those step families where dad's partner isn't a part of his children's life. It's completely OK, many families are like this. You don't need to be there when he has contact with her, I think it'll just make it worse. Allow your DP to see her alone and just have no part of it. The more you force it the worse you'll make it.

Thank you so much for your message. I keep reminding myself it’s not always gonna be one big happy family but I’m ok with that. I will always be here for my DP (and SD if she needs me)

[quote BattenbergdowntheHatches]@Dollyparton3 I think it’s an entirely fair comment. No decent man tells their daughter off in a way that scares their partner, never mind the child. SD’s perception will be that her DF has chosen OP over her - largely because he has.

I guess you have lower parenting standards than me because I’d call that pretty shit.[/quote]
I’m sorry, I think I worried everyone when I said scared. I’m not scared of my partner at all. I was just really surprised to hear DP raise his voice. That’s my bad, I’m sorry.

[quote BattenbergdowntheHatches]@Dollyparton3 I think it’s an entirely fair comment. No decent man tells their daughter off in a way that scares their partner, never mind the child. SD’s perception will be that her DF has chosen OP over her - largely because he has.

I guess you have lower parenting standards than me because I’d call that pretty shit.[/quote]
How he he chosen the OP over his daughter? I don't think that's a choice that any parent with a new partner should have to make because their daughter is behaving badly. It's surely more appropriate as a parent to correct bad behaviour and insist that everybody in the home is treated with respect.

I suspect that if this wasn't a step parenting situation everybody would correct entitled and rude behaviour. But because we're on a step forum it's better take the side of the child?

@BattenbergdowntheHatches

DP told SD if she cannot respect me then she cannot come over

Gold star for parenting right there @Dollyparton3 I’m sorry that your own situation has got you doing so much projecting on this thread. I hope the SC in your situation are being parented better than OP’s SD.

I didn't say that, gold star for misquoting

@BattenbergdowntheHatches

But because we're on a step forum it's better take the side of the child?

Yes, it’s generally better to show empathy to a child who has gone through the (often) trauma of a divorce.

Children of separated parents still need boundaries and guidelines to live by.

Stealing and destroying another adult's belongings, who has nothing to do with the reason your parents split up, is never OK.