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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Co parenting

32 replies

Yelloworange1111 · 28/01/2022 18:02

Hello,

Step mummy here. My husband and his ex have been separated (and living apart) for 5 years now.

My step son who is just about to turn 6 has been getting quite emotional at bed time that he misses his mummy and asks to FaceTime her. We try to avoid it but let him in the morning if he still wants to. Today he got upset when his dad picked him up that he was going to miss his mummy (so she gave him a picture).

Not sure what to do in this situation. We have them one week Monday (sleepover) and then Friday - Sunday and the next week just Wednesday (sleepover).

I don't want him to be sad when he comes to our house. He has his own bedroom and all of his own clothes and toothbrush etc here so it should hopefully feel like home. We always make plans for something fun with our time (bike rides, skate park, movie nights, board games etc).

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

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RoyKentsChestHair · 28/01/2022 18:19

Why do you try to avoid it? Has his mum asked you not to? If my DCs were upset and missing me at their dads I’d have been really annoyed to find out that they weren’t allowed to call me. I know it might make things worse. But it might also make things better if she handles it properly. Does she offer to come and get him or make him more upset if he calls her? Or would she say she loves him and will see him tomorrow etc?

Cardboardf0x · 28/01/2022 18:34

Is he allowed to have a photo of his mummy in his room or take an item of hers with him to your home? I think it probably makes things worse not allowing him to speak to her at night time, he might want her to say good night and she loves him. If your partner has a good Co parenting relationship with her then I don't see why this can't be allowed.. If my daughter said she missed her father I'd say she could face time him.

mugoftea456 · 28/01/2022 18:47

Just let the poor kid FaceTime his mum when he asks!

Original poster

Yelloworange1111 · 28/01/2022 18:48

We don't say he isn't allowed. Just encourage him to see how he feels in the morning instead. Mostly because we don't want to make things worse / we want to break the cycle and she has also her own plans in the evening when she's kid free. In the past we've called and she doesn't answer (because she's busy) and that just feels worse.

He now has a picture of her. First night tonight.

OP posts:

YellowLemonz · 28/01/2022 18:52

What does his mum say?
She obv knows he's getting upset if she's gave him a photo. Would she prefer to wait till morning if she has plans?
Would she not mind a good night call?

FelicityPike · 28/01/2022 18:54

Oh that’s sad. Poor wee lamb.
Hope the picture of his mum helps him a wee bit.

Original poster

Yelloworange1111 · 28/01/2022 19:03

Possibly. To be honest I'm worried FaceTiming her every night will just make it worse and I just want to try and solve it and for him to be happy and feel secure.

Not sure if he has a bit of separation anxiety? It's only ever when he's tired.

OP posts:

Junction5aOnTheM4 · 28/01/2022 19:10

Sounds like separation anxiety. The picture is a good idea, could you suggest to him that he chooses his favourite picture and you'll frame it for by his bed?

Also, if his mum would be happy for him to take an old sweater of hers that smells of her, that could help at bedtime.

Original poster

Yelloworange1111 · 28/01/2022 19:12

Also just to clarify, he is a very happy, loving, adventurous, sociable and clever boy. This is small issue and I'm just looking for people with similar experiences to share their advice on solving this so he doesn't get sad.

I totally get children will miss their mummy and daddy from time to time but it is getting more frequent which is why I reached out x

OP posts:

Original poster

Yelloworange1111 · 28/01/2022 19:13

He's got the picture now :) hopefully that will make a difference.

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 28/01/2022 19:42

We've always allowed dsds to call their mum whenever they want.

I think the picture is a good idea. And maybe if you take him on any day trips you could allow him to chose a present for mummy (nothing expensive but give him a pound or two).

candlelightsatdawn · 28/01/2022 20:15

Ok so if my DD was missing me I would totally be fine with a call, however I would be very grateful to my ex and DD SM if like OP they were trying to manage my DD big emotions and trying to be respectful of my baby free time.

I would also support them trying to break the cycle because it would be painful for everyone involved including me to have this happen every time. I have enough mum guilt as it is and would be trying to help best way possible.

Speak to mum and find out what she feels comfortable with, maybe a cuddly teddy names mama bear that floats between the houses that he can have to hug and mum will magically be able to send a hug back to DC through the teddy. Obviously you will need to imply teddy is magical and mum to be in on the "story" as such. Build a bear might be a good place to get such a bear/soft toy as you can make it part of the story as such.

It's a funny age, a lot of split families experience this so you aren't alone, they just have a lot of emotions and expressing them to you means that DSC does feel safe with you to,which is a massive compliment (not that it feels like that at the time I'm sure)

Maybe keeping to a set routine on nights he's tired, nothing out there but maybe a that will help settle him when he's anxious. Default to calm set routine like adults do !

Weighted blanket for when he's feeling very anxious might help ?

You sound like a lovely step mum and I can assure you, you aren't doing anything wrong it's just a phase all kids go through that some point only wanting one parent over the other. So so normal. Please don't feel like your doing anything wrong !! It will pass x

SteppingOverTheMark · 28/01/2022 21:29

We’ve recently gone through this with my 5yo DSC…it was quite extreme separation anxiety.

We found a child psychiatrist, most won’t like it but she advised to stop any FaceTiming altogether. It blurs boundaries and intrudes on their time with the parents they’re living with at the time. If DSC asks to FaceTime, then we have a set time and day…things are so much better, DSC never gets upset anymore. It literally switched as soon as the FaceTiming stopped.

The other thing she advised was to discuss what we were doing the next day and have it written out somewhere DSC can see it…and have a strong routine and clear boundaries, particularly at bedtime. Anxiety hates routine, it stops it manifesting.

Like I say, a lot won’t like it but FaceTiming made things 100 times worse for us and led to major meltdowns. I’m not going to ignore the advice of a qualified professional 🤷🏻‍♀️

sassbott · 28/01/2022 22:12

As a mum I would not want my parent free time intruded on by a sad child FaceTiming. I get it’s a balance but my child free nights are when I go to the gym/ do work dinners/ see friends. FaceTiming my upset child would be like a dagger through the heart.

If I was in this situation I would suggest that the four of you (mum, dad, you, child) have a very short conversation together with the child. I would have no issue saying to my child that ‘mummy is busy at work when you’re with daddy, mummy loves you. Etc.’ And set up a very clear routine of when the child can FaceTime. And maybe send a special bear/ sleep toy. I would put the onus on the mum (if she agrees) to say she has to work. It’s what I would do as the mother. It’s quite important for the mother to give full permission for the child to separate from her and be happy.

I would also set up a firm routine of FT. I don’t think it’s helpful for a child to think the other parent is at the end of a phone when they are overtired.

I personally (as a mum) would try and break this as otherwise it is heartbreaking for all involved. Children of this age tend to respond really well to boundaries.

SteppingOverTheMark · 28/01/2022 22:30

@sassbott
I agree with you…the only bit I’d question is telling DC that mum is at work. We went through a spate of DSC mum doing this and it led to DSC thinking we were simply childcare rather than family. Like DSC had to go to dad’s because mum was at work, it sort of skewed the relationship and how we were seen.

sassbott · 28/01/2022 22:48

@SteppingOverTheMark the simple reason I suggest work at this stage is because Work is an easy one as a 6 year old will understand and won’t view as abandonment (assuming mum has worked). So the the child doesn’t take it personally. Vs mums on the piss with her mates and doesn’t want to talk to you. Or ‘no you can’t call mummy, she’s busy.’ It’ll also be interesting to see if the mum is happy to do this and give the child full permission to bond and enjoy their time with dad, in front of dad.

At the end of the day this is a 6 year old who is clearly distressed. So whatever is said needs to be simple and best for the child.

The wider ‘viewed as childcare vs family’ is a dynamic that can be dealt with later.

RainbowMum11 · 28/01/2022 23:17

I co-parent my DD with XH and she has a picture of her with each of us in her bedroom at the others house - it helps her to feel settled and that both places are her home (not just a bedroom at a different house)
I don't really understand why if would be a problem to be perfectly honest.

Pinkyxx · 28/01/2022 23:38

It's hard when this happens, but largely completely natural in a 2 home set up at this age. Helping children learn how to handle intense emotions is essential. Things that can help are routines (both at bedtime & for calls), helping them put words to the big feelings and reassuring them that A) it's ok to feel that way and B) they are ok. Children need adults to help them ''soothe'' if that makes sense and if we as parents rush in to try and take the emotion away by fixing the situation (i.e. you miss Mummy - OK no problem, I'll get Mummy) then the child learns they can't cope with that emotion, cue vicious cycle..

Maybe try something along the lines of:

We call Mummy at X time in the day, remember? Tomorrow when we call Mummy at X time we can tell Mummy all about A,B, C that happened at school today and I know he will be really exited to hear about. I know you miss Mummy and it feels sad, that's OK we all miss people when they aren't around. It's OK to miss people. Shall we have a hug?

It needs to be simple, tangible and something a child of that age can relate to in concrete terms. Else they don't know where the lines are if that makes sense and they feel more anxious as a result. Important Mum is positive about the time away from home, like others have said they need to have full permission to seperate.

Tattler2 · 28/01/2022 23:56

It would probably be easier to agree to let him call his mom at ex time to say goodnight than to try to dissuade him from doing it when he wants/needs to call his mom.

Missing his mom at his age is not a statement about his being happy or unhappy in your home.

It is probably much more about reassuring himself that all is secure in his 5 year old world.

Is anything really upset or harmed if he has a 2 minute goodnight call with his mom? If mom and dad agree on the time that the call will take place , mom can be prepared to receive the call and prepared to limit it to the agreed upon time.

It is likely that he will outgrow the need to speak with mom every night ,but you lose nothing by allowing this to happen until such time as he no longer has the need.

ilovemyboys3 · 29/01/2022 06:11

Aw poor little man. I have a 6 year old who stays with his dad once a week. He has an iPad and knows he can ring me anytime he wants too. Just like be phones his dad when he's not there. If he feels the need to say good night to his mummy then what's wrong with that. It won't last forever and he will grow out of it. I feel the situation is being made worse by you not allowing him. Every child loves their mother, it's a different bond to a father. Naturally he will seek comfort and security from her. If that's what he needs when he is at yours to get a good nights sleep then I don't see any issue.
This whole keeping boundaries and it being your time is rubbish. That's his mummy and he is 6. Give him a break. We all know kids go through phases and it will pass. You'll make it worse if he feels he cannot speak to his mum when he's with you.
I have no issue with my son FaceTiming his dad when he's at home with me, they chat daily. It's his dad - what's the harm!
I would understand if he's wanting to go home to mummy but he's not, he wants to say good night. Just let the poor boy.

GrandmasCat · 29/01/2022 06:13

I would just allow him to talk to mum before bed. But both mum and dad need to manage the situation better so DSS allows himself to enjoy spending time away from his mum.

GrandmasCat · 29/01/2022 06:14

… now if the mum just uses the call to make him feel guilty for being away, I can understand why you are preferring to avoid the call.

Kbyodjs · 29/01/2022 06:18

My experience with DSD and my own DD when she is at nanny’s is that a phone call an hour or so before bedtime can help to settle them but calling when they’re getting upset often doesn’t help and prolongs how upset they are.
We went through different stages like this with DSD and we just needed to give her lots of reassurance and a consistent bedtime routine

Cardboardf0x · 29/01/2022 07:10

I also think, just because they spend time at each parents house, they should feel they have to forget about their respective parent. I would allow him to call her an hour before bed time. Nobody seems to be putting the needs of the little boy first.

user47000000000 · 29/01/2022 07:28

We used to have this with my stepdaughters.

We used to say at 6pm. “Do you want to call mummy before bed?” Then it wasn’t left till too late in the day when they were tired and emotional. Also meant if she was going out she wasn’t interrupted and then worried by upset kids.

Maybe try that for a bit?

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