Step daughter hates my pregnancy

[Toughroadahead]

I am 14 weeks pregnant. My step daughter is 13. We told her last week that I was having a baby and since then she is refusing to come back to live here. She is now saying she feels uncomfortable living here and is refusing to engage really with my OH.
This is really hard for my OH but also selfishly for me. I have so much anxiety about the future and bringing the baby up in this environment and I don't know what to do to sort it.

Any advice on how to deal with her and the situation?

@sadpapercourtesan

Some really nasty and childish responses here that won't help at all. "Grow up," "tough tits", really?! You're adults fgs.

Thirteen is a tricky age for girls. She'll be all over the place with hormones, onset of puberty and she, like everyone else, has just been through a pandemic as well with all the disruption that's brought to education and social life. You being pregnant is a HUGE deal for her. She's going to have to share her father with a younger, more appealing version who will be yours as well as her dad's. It's not difficult to see how she must be feeling; threatened, pushed out, undervalued. It's not entirely rational, but neither is it surprising.

She needs lots of love, patience and reassurance, especially from her father. Of course her reaction is tough for you to handle, and you need to prioritise looking after yourself, but it wouldn't hurt you to have a bit of understanding and compassion for someone who is much younger than you, and is struggling with huge feelings.

I started typing a response like this earlier however deleted it as I couldn’t be arsed copying the numerous unfeeling and selfish replies. Some people on this forum are so up their own arses they forget their partners have children from previous relationships and of course these children have feelings, especially at 13. I say this as a step mum. It appears the OP is only responding to replies she agrees with though!

@DeeCeeCherry

sadpapercourtesan Some really nasty and childish responses here that won't help at all. "Grow up," "tough tits", really?! You're adults fgs

Agree

I doubt theyd really say this in real life, its just bluff. Surely nobody is that immature

She's only 13. At that age, we didn't know it all. Likely feeling unsettled and that her Dad will be gone from her in some way. Dad has a new family now kind of thing.

I'd give her time to come round, include her as much as possible. This will pass.

You say not for your benefit, OP - but your child will be her brother or sister so there is their benefit to keep in mind too.

I fully take on board all of that. If I didn't care then I'd be glad she wasn't here but I do and I want her here! Which is why I asked for help in the first place. Help not everyone having a go and criticising everything I say. I want to know how to deal with her emotions and make her feel better from People who have been through it or have experience with this age group. As much as people like to judge when it's your life and trying to keep everyone happy it's difficult as well as dealing with the pregnancy and your feelings towards it. I know I've tipped her world upside Down I don't need to be told that anymore or be made to feel even worse for that than I already do. That's the problem!

@MrsPepperPot2022 just curious what about the OPs post has signalled she's forgotten her partner has pre-existing children ?

Most of the comments bar two actually have basically said OPs DSD is at a tricky age, most teenagers will have feelings on this and she will come around.

That's a really big jump from what your suggesting to what the majority of posters have said..

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@MrsPepperPot2022 just curious what about the OPs post has signalled she's forgotten her partner has pre-existing children ?

Most of the comments bar two actually have basically said OPs DSD is at a tricky age, most teenagers will have feelings on this and she will come around.

That's a really big jump from what your suggesting to what the majority of posters have said.. [/quote]
I never said that, perhaps you’ve misread my post. What I did say was, “some people on this forum are so up their own arses they forget their partners have children from previous relationships.” Can you please point out where I specifically aimed this at the OP?

My sd was horrendous throughout my pregnancy (she was 9/10 so a little younger) constantly telling me I was likely to lose the baby because I was so old (34) and that the baby wouldn't be her sister and she would always love her dog more. Her dad just made excuses instead of dealing with the underlying issues. She absolutely adores her sister now. She's actually the only person I've ever seen SD be affectionate towards. So no matter how bad she is it can hopefully get much better once baby is born. Congratulations and good luck

@MrsPepperPot2022 maybe I misread 😵‍💫 baring two comments that could be taken a certain way (I didn't personally) I don't think anyones implied they have forgotten they have SC or shown to be "up themselves", dismissive sure I can see that that would be perceived . But I think some people take a slightly more emotive/empathic view for their SC and others don't in relation to pregnancy.

Just as imagine people would do if this was a new pregnancy in nuclear family, some are more sensitive to their kids emotions than others.

Although I'm not gonna lie I doubt any SP is ever likely on this board to forget they have SC.

Im immediately reminded of a boy in my class who had a brother when we were 12 and we were collectively horrified on his behalf that his parents had clearly had sex. Im not sure how he felt about the whole thing but I remember how traumatized we (who it had nothing to do with) were

Just give her time to process it.

WE expect alot of all DCS in a blended family - divorce, separation, 2 homes, 2 sets of rules etc all dictated to them by adults - they get very little say.
New sibling yet another example of how little they control their lives and how sometimes detached the adults in their lives are about issues that impact on them.

Give her time

Tale as old as time. She feels like he's replacing her. She's angry, hurt and unsure of her position in his life now.

Could he offer to go and pick her up and take her out somewhere for tea or something, to explain that she isn't going to be pushed out and have some 1:1 time together?

OP, your step daughter has only known about your pregnancy for a week. She probably does not hate your pregnancy. If you have been crying throughout your pregnancy , if can't have been because your SD hates your pregnancy given that she knew nothing about the pregnancy.

A 13_year old can be pretty self absorbed and is probably unsure how this change will effect her life. You probably have given considerable thought as to how this pregnancy is going to change your life. The 13 year old has only had 7 days to begin to think about the potential impact on her life.

You can have a perfectly normal pregnancy even if the 13 year old is less than excited about the pregnancy; many teens don't get terribly excited about the pregnancy process.
Her feelings may be very different when their is an actual baby. There is nothing that you can do to impact any feelings of insecurity that she may be experiencing, that reassurance if needed will need to come from her father

You should focus on having a normal pregnancy , and that can and does happen in many households even when older siblings are not terribly interested or excited about the pregnancy process.

Her father should continue to have as normal a relationship as possible with his daughter. If you make his daughter's reaction pivotal to enjoying your pregnancy, you the only thing that you will accomplish is making yourself miserable.

Leave her alone as she works through her feelings with her father.

The most helpful thing that you can do for both you and the daughter is to recognize that you are 2 females going through processes that are new to the both of you , and each of you will be adjusting to your new reality.

There are no quick fixes, and you each have months ahead of you to navigate the process.

Better you have no fantasized expectations about her reactions , and recognize that at the moment you will be focusing on gaining a baby while she may be focused on the prospect of losing the relationship that she currently has with her dad.

Time and respectful distance can be an ally for both of you.

Honestly op she will come round I promise.

Ignore the people bashing you. As I said my own daughter felt that way about my pregnancy my DP could have written your exact post about my child. It's a realisation of a sexual relationship, feeling pushed out and worried about what it may bring. My dds friend whose mum is also now pregnant had the same reaction and there's no step partners involved she said to my dd she was worried there would be no money for her to do things and all her parents time would be taken up by the baby. It's her age. 13 year old girls are raging with hormones and dramatics you only need to listen to them try to do the most basic thing with their friends to understand they are complex hormonal creatures.

She will be fine, she's 13, they hate most things at first.

Time and consistency is what she needs. That will show her that she still has her place in the family.

Keep doing what you've always done as a family. No big gestures unless it's something that would happen anyway. She needs normality more than anything.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I experienced it firsthand.
Then, eventually, it overcomes it.

First of all-congratulations!
She might never grow very fond of your baby, but she is likely to calm down. Your DH needs to make sure she knows she is welcome to come, but it really is not your worry and most definitely not your job. Your job is to grow a human. I can guarantee if you continue torturing yourself with the thoughts of this situation with your DSD it is guaranteed to grow into resentment. You concentrate on eating well, browsing baby things, noticing how your bump growths etc. Pregnancy is a happy time, don't let anyone ruin it for you. If your DH is over sharing his (I mean his) problems with his daughter you absolutely can politely ask him to stop as you find it upsetting and it is not good for the baby. Good luck!

My step daughter was exactly the same, she treated me like dirt the whole way through pregnancy, told me when I was 38 weeks that the baby was dead, told me she didn't want to be a sister, then baby came and she's in love with him, she really did ruin my pregnancy excitement though, she 7 so abit younger, I would try to carry on as normal as possible, don't talk too much about the baby yet, it's fresh for her so let it sink in, then as time progresses, involve her in baby shopping etc, good luck and congratulations!

Echo earlier posters. Some disgraceful responses on this thread.

@August21yellowbaby
Quite honestly, I don't understand someone else having the ability to ruin your pregnancy excitement. Women and men chose to have a child to make themselves happy. They are not choosing to have a baby for purposes of making others happy. Just as the expectant parents responded to the pregnancy as was consistent with their personal feelings, they do not get the right to decide, expect, or dictate how others may view the impact that this pregnancy may have on their ( the others ) lives.

If the parents ability to be happy about a pregnancy that they chose to create is dependent upon the reactions of others, then one might question if the are really well prepared to deal with many of the very real challenges that come with parenting.

Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. Only in fantasies do we get to dictate and how others should respond to our situations.

I cannot begin to fathom not being fully happy about the impending birth of either of my children because someone else did not share that happiness. My husband and I had so much happiness and joy that what anyone else might have said or done would not have diminished what we felt at all. We may have been sad to hear that the pregnancy made others unhappy or conflicted but their unhappiness or conflicted feelings would have in no way diminished our happiness. We felt what we felt about the pregnancy and recognized that others would feel whatever if anything that they felt.

When we were pregnant with the 2nd child ,we waited to tell my daughter because we had experienced a miscarriage between their births. Had my daughter been unhappy or conflicted about the pregnancy that would have been a serious issue with which we would have had to deal, but it would not have diminished in anyway our joy about the pregnancy. We would have dealt with my daughter's feelings in the caring and responsible way while still feeling that joy of the impending birth.

Many congrats OP. 13 is a really difficult age, give her time, she will come round.

Presumably you didn’t consult her before ttc / deciding to add to the family, so you need to remember you and your DH are the adults here and support her to manage her feelings. Calmdown, let the child work through her feelings with maximum support, and don’t keep on at her about the baby or how it will be a sibling. That is for her to decide. 13 years is a huge age difference between half-siblings and you need to be prepared for them to be neither close nor care about each other in any meaningful way. You’re essentially going to be raising an only child.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Echo earlier posters. Some disgraceful responses on this thread.

Can I ask what's so disgraceful about the responses ? 😵‍💫

For once it seems like a fairly balanced response. Am I missing something here ?

I was really upset when my Step mum was pregnant with my baby brother.

I don’t know why to be honest as I loved her, she was brill ! Anyway my attitude changed when he got here, he’s been one favourite people ever since ❤️

Don’t give up hope.

Well of course she's upset. That announcement will have been about as welcome as a fart in a lift. Nothing she can do about it though, she'll either accept it or she won't. She'll probably get used to it when the baby becomes more of a permanent fixture.

*Can I ask what's so disgraceful about the responses ? 😵‍💫

For once it seems like a fairly balanced response. Am I missing something here ?*

She said some disgraceful responses. I'm going to hazard a guess that "tell her to grow up" and "tough tits" qualified as disgraceful responses.

Congratulations, OP.
It's a shock for her. She's 13. She's probably worried about being replaced. Her dad needs to reassure her. Then hopefully you can work on including her, although maybe don't give her final say on the name...