Step daughter hates my pregnancy

Toughroadahead · 2022-01-27T20:02:26+00:00

I am 14 weeks pregnant. My step daughter is 13. We told her last week that I was having a baby and since then she is refusing to come back to live here. She is now saying she feels uncomfortable living here and is refusing to engage really with my OH. This is really hard for my OH but also selfishly for me. I have so much anxiety about the future and bringing the baby up in this environment and I don't know what to do to sort it. Any advice on how to deal with her and the situation?

Allpenguinsarepingus · 27/01/2022 20:09

This might be less about the baby and more about realizing you and her father have sex in that house! Shock horror. Is your relationship with her mum good? If it is, leave it alone for a week or two while she digests the news and her mum will probably talk her round. If mum is likely to be annoyed about the pregnancy too, then you can’t expect her to say positive things about it (you can expect her to avoid saying negative things about it). You still have to let you step daughter stew and get over this terrible revelation in her own time.

Allpenguinsarepingus · 27/01/2022 20:09

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way.

Harlequin1088 · 27/01/2022 20:12

Tell her it’s tough tits.

You cannot control how people react to a situation but you can control how you react to their reaction.

Ultimately she’s a teenage girl who will feel she’s no longer the apple of her father’s eye so I imagine you were never going to get a joyous reaction out of her.

Your partner just needs to keep reaching out to her and she’ll come round eventually. If she doesn’t, then there’s not a lot you can do, I’m afraid.

I’m sure there’ll be some hand-wringing pearl-clutchers along soon to tell you that you’re evil incarnate to have even considered using the uterus you were born with, but just ignore all that. Plenty of children have half-siblings come along and their lives aren’t ruined in the slightest so don’t buy into the whole idea that you’ve done some terrible thing and caused your stepdaughter to endure years of therapy. Focus on you and your baby and enjoy every moment.

I grew up with a half-sister who is 11 years younger than me and she’s now my best friend. I’m a Stepmum myself now and also pregnant with my first child so I speak from experience when I say this - you can’t force the girl to be happy but she’ll likely come around and in the meantime you need to concentrate on your baby.

ANameChangeAgain · 27/01/2022 20:12

Congratulations.
Is she worried that this will mean she will be pushed out? She might have it in her head that dad has his new family now, and that her and her mum have been abandoned.

pinkyredrose · 27/01/2022 20:13

Tell her to grow up! She needs to realise that other people have lives

toomuchlaundry · 27/01/2022 20:15

How long have you been with her dad?

Tigertealeaves · 27/01/2022 20:15

My DSS1 was like this and worse at the age of 11. He now adores his little sister. Give her time to process the idea, her dad could meet up with her for trips out of the house in the meantime. If she refuses, at least she knows he has offered and that will mean something.

This topic has come up before on step parenting, and a common theme is DC / DSC of that age feeling disgusted because it is a reminder that adults have sex! Once presented with an actual baby that they can interact with, things often seem to calm down.

sofakingcool · 27/01/2022 20:20

I'd give her chance, she'll come round to the idea. It's a tricky age, as it is, without having to deal with the realisation that Dad and step mum have had sex

DS's friend became a sister at 12 almost 13, she was MORTIFIED. Just going through her own hormonal stuff, without having to contend with that. Now aged 18 and a little sister who's in her first year of school and they dote on each other

Glitterygreen · 27/01/2022 20:21

Oh god Toughroadahead I so sympathise and am so worried about this myself. I am pregnant and dreading telling the SCs in case it impacts our relationship or causes issues like this.

I think lots of older children would struggle to accept a new sibling, but it's even hard to handle when they have an alternative home to retreat to so you don't even get the chance to show them things are continuing as normal despite the news. And even harder if their mum is not supportive too.

I guess all your DH can do is give her some space and let her know she's welcome back when she's ready.

It's delicate because you need to toe the line between being understanding to how she may feel and her insecurities about a new baby for her dad, but also letting her know that sulking long-term is not OK and she will need to adjust.

sadpapercourtesan · 27/01/2022 20:26

Some really nasty and childish responses here that won't help at all. "Grow up," "tough tits", really?! You're adults fgs.

Thirteen is a tricky age for girls. She'll be all over the place with hormones, onset of puberty and she, like everyone else, has just been through a pandemic as well with all the disruption that's brought to education and social life. You being pregnant is a HUGE deal for her. She's going to have to share her father with a younger, more appealing version who will be yours as well as her dad's. It's not difficult to see how she must be feeling; threatened, pushed out, undervalued. It's not entirely rational, but neither is it surprising.

She needs lots of love, patience and reassurance, especially from her father. Of course her reaction is tough for you to handle, and you need to prioritise looking after yourself, but it wouldn't hurt you to have a bit of understanding and compassion for someone who is much younger than you, and is struggling with huge feelings.

ringoutthebells · 27/01/2022 20:32

Gosh yes I think it's a really awkward age to find out about a parent's pregnancy! Not that you've done anything wrong, but she deserves patience, time and empathy. Agree with her dad trying to find away to engage with her away from home, maybe something she'll really love. And take baby steps (no pun intended!)

Vie8126 · 27/01/2022 20:34

My very own 13 year old daughter was horrific when she found out about my pregnancy - literally vile. We laugh about it now as she absolutely dotes on her baby brother and can't believe she ever felt different.

Being the baby for so long she felt replaced and like she was missing out. She felt like her life was going to change. Her best friends mum recently announced a pregnancy and I heard my dd telling her friend it will all be okay and her life won't change.

She will come round just give her time. Congratulations 😊

WhatToThink1 · 27/01/2022 20:36

How long have you been with her dad? Maybe she’s struggling to adapt and this is the final straw? Alternatively, maybe she feels like she’ll be pushed out and her dad will prioritise the baby. Many dc feel like this when there’s a large age gap, even if it’s their full blood sibling. Ignore the horrible @pinkyredrose

Santahasjoinedww · 27/01/2022 20:37

Congratulations op.. And don't you dare feel like you need to apologise for being pregnant!! Lots of teens cringe at pregnancy! Leave her to her flounce.
She will come around.

pinkyredrose · 27/01/2022 20:40

Ignore the horrible@pinkyredrose

Horrible? Certainly didn't mean to be!

sweepthenmop · 27/01/2022 20:41

Blimey. Awful responses here to a 13 year old.
Give her time to come to terms with it, keep being her friend, make sure her father spends plenty of time with her.
Over time include her in things. Can she help choose the cot / buggy / paint colour? But not yet. She needs time. Her DF is having sex , and she may feel pushed out.

Original poster

Toughroadahead · 27/01/2022 20:45

@sadpapercourtesan

Some really nasty and childish responses here that won't help at all. "Grow up," "tough tits", really?! You're adults fgs.

Thirteen is a tricky age for girls. She'll be all over the place with hormones, onset of puberty and she, like everyone else, has just been through a pandemic as well with all the disruption that's brought to education and social life. You being pregnant is a HUGE deal for her. She's going to have to share her father with a younger, more appealing version who will be yours as well as her dad's. It's not difficult to see how she must be feeling; threatened, pushed out, undervalued. It's not entirely rational, but neither is it surprising.

She needs lots of love, patience and reassurance, especially from her father. Of course her reaction is tough for you to handle, and you need to prioritise looking after yourself, but it wouldn't hurt you to have a bit of understanding and compassion for someone who is much younger than you, and is struggling with huge feelings.

Of course I understand she's struggling. I have done nothing but tread on eggshells since I've known her. Everything I do resolves around her feelings and how she might feel pushed out. I balance my life with my OH by ensuring he has time with his kids and time with me and time all together. I on the other hand have cried throughout most of this pregnancy despite being desperate for it and it's really sad that I feel this way. I feel this way because I care about his kids feelings. Not because I'm a selfish person, far from it. I want everyone to get on and everyone to feel welcome in the house. But that includes me and my child.

It's hard when you're the step mum cos it's easier to blame me than him. Especially cos I'm younger than him and also because although we have an ok relationship it's not solid as in perfect.

My and OH have been together 2yrs but we've known each other ages. It is massive changes for them and I get that but I was wondering and asking how people would deal with it. This is my first child I'm no expert and at some point she has to stop doing this? Problem is BM is not supportive and is the exact opposite so that won't be helping either

Thank you for all your kind commments. It's nice to hear that some people have had happy endings in the end and they've grown to love the child

OP posts:

MostNamesAreTaken · 27/01/2022 20:48

She's a kid, who is naturally going to have mixed feelings about her dad having a new full-time kid. With reassurance from her Dad, and time she may see it differently, but at 13 it was probably a shock. Don't hold her to her knee jerk reaction.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It is also natural you are upset about a less than positive reaction. Try not to dwell, as other posters have said 13 year olds are likely to be shocked by any sibling!

sofakingcool · 27/01/2022 21:03

@Santahasjoinedww

Congratulations op.. And don't you dare feel like you need to apologise for being pregnant!! Lots of teens cringe at pregnancy! Leave her to her flounce. She will come around.

Ha love the flounce! I don't have girls, but my knowledge of my nieces at that age is they do love a good flounce, in fact they are both still pretty good at almost 17 & 19

. Honestly, she'll come round to the idea at some point

toomuchlaundry · 27/01/2022 21:07

How old are you OP? Why are you having a baby if your relationship is not solid?

sofakingcool · 27/01/2022 21:07

@Toughroadahead , I don't know the ins and outs of her Mum, but if she's being off about the baby she might be being protective of her DD. She's still got to handle it right (and not be an utter cow), but it is difficult to be expected to stand back and watch your daughter struggling with really big news. She should be working to support her though, and not having a bitchfest over it all (if she is...!)

Original poster

Toughroadahead · 27/01/2022 21:14

@toomuchlaundry

How old are you OP? Why are you having a baby if your relationship is not solid?

I'm 32. My relationship is solid but my relationship with his kids is just stable and ok. Not like the perfect insta blended family you might see but fairly ok if that makes sense.

OP posts:

candlelightsatdawn · 27/01/2022 21:17

@Toughroadahead congratulations lovely ! There seems to be a lot of us SM who are pregnant at the moment on this board so please please don't feel alone !

So I was rather worried about my DSD reaction but the backlash came from her mum not so much DSD. She was genuinely a bit horrified that we must have had sex at least once and now gives us the side eye if he holds my hand or gives me a kiss like he might get me pregnant twice lol 😂 but that's teenagers for you.

As previous posters have said teenagers especially girls love a good flounce, she will flounce back soon. Obviously DH needs to reach out to SD and make sure she knows he's there when she's ready but I think there's a line between reaching out and pandering. Avoid the latter.

You being pregnant has nothing to do with DM if she's unsupportive then she can swivel, she will be only wilfully damaging her own daughters relationship with their sibling.

Also I wouldn't get into deep specifics on here OP. People tend to ask probing questions and then twist and beat you with your response, this board hasn't just got SMs on here but is haunted by the first wives club and there's nothing more they live to do than to jump on a pregnancy post like this and cause havoc.

Hormones suck btw esp at your stage, I know it feels like the worst thing to happen right now but I absolutely promise you things will come about.

Original poster

Toughroadahead · 27/01/2022 21:22

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Toughroadahead congratulations lovely ! There seems to be a lot of us SM who are pregnant at the moment on this board so please please don't feel alone !

So I was rather worried about my DSD reaction but the backlash came from her mum not so much DSD. She was genuinely a bit horrified that we must have had sex at least once and now gives us the side eye if he holds my hand or gives me a kiss like he might get me pregnant twice lol 😂 but that's teenagers for you.

As previous posters have said teenagers especially girls love a good flounce, she will flounce back soon. Obviously DH needs to reach out to SD and make sure she knows he's there when she's ready but I think there's a line between reaching out and pandering. Avoid the latter.

You being pregnant has nothing to do with DM if she's unsupportive then she can swivel, she will be only wilfully damaging her own daughters relationship with their sibling.

Also I wouldn't get into deep specifics on here OP. People tend to ask probing questions and then twist and beat you with your response, this board hasn't just got SMs on here but is haunted by the first wives club and there's nothing more they live to do than to jump on a pregnancy post like this and cause havoc.

Hormones suck btw esp at your stage, I know it feels like the worst thing to happen right now but I absolutely promise you things will come about. [/quote]
Thank you for being so kind and understanding. You are right. I'm new to this place and I imagine there are lot of people who can't relate or offer constructive advice but feel the need to do so anyone and just add further stress to the situation.

Fingers crossed she'll stop flouncing soon and return home. Not for my benefit but for the sake of my OH

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 27/01/2022 21:29

sadpapercourtesan
Some really nasty and childish responses here that won't help at all. "Grow up," "tough tits", really?! You're adults fgs

Agree

I doubt theyd really say this in real life, its just bluff. Surely nobody is that immature

She's only 13. At that age, we didn't know it all. Likely feeling unsettled and that her Dad will be gone from her in some way. Dad has a new family now kind of thing.

I'd give her time to come round, include her as much as possible. This will pass.

You say not for your benefit, OP - but your child will be her brother or sister so there is their benefit to keep in mind too.