Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Shared custody (50-50) and new relationships

50 replies

bathsh3ba · 23/01/2022 14:28

So I've been dating a new guy for almost 4 months. We are taking things slowly but we talk about the future as we neither of us take a wait and see approach to dating, we only want to date if we can see it progressing to marriage in due course. Anyway, everything is going well.

We are both late 30s and divorced, I was single 7 years before I met him and he was single 5 years. So both our marriages ended a long time ago. I have 2 teenage girls full time and they rarely and irregularly see their dad, who frankly doesn't make an effort. My partner has 50-50 shared custody of an 8yo son. We also live about 45 minutes apart, so not a long way but enough to cause some practical issues if we one day lived together.

The kids have met and get on great, my girls like my partner and his son and his son is pestering his dad to propose, though we have told him it is much too soon for that! We haven't spent extended periods of time with the kids yet though as we are deliberately taking it slowly.

So all good but I can't get my head round how we could one day marry and live together without seriously disrupting at least one set of kids' lives. We won't live together outside of marriage for religious reasons.

So I was looking for stories of how people have combined lives with 50-50 custody. As far as I can see he can't move because he has to be close to his son's school. I could move but I don't want to move my girls' school so I'd be doing a lot of driving and moving my girls away from their friends. Or we could wait till my girls leave school but that does feel a long haul.

OP posts:
Confusedteacher · 23/01/2022 14:36

Honestly, I think 4 months in is far too soon to be thinking about this. With kids you need to take it really slow.

We moved in together after 4 years, and I moved to where he lived for that exact reason- me and my DC were portable, whereas he had to be close to his DC’s other home. We deliberately timed it for when my eldest was starting secondary school so it wouldn’t be such a big upheaval.

In your situation I would say, if you end up wanting to live together, could he live with you and DDs for the 50% of the time he doesn’t have his DS? And then when your DDs are older and have left home, or at least are independently mobile for getting to friends’ houses etc you could buy a place together close to his DS?

unicornsarereal72 · 23/01/2022 16:49

4 months is not taking it slow. That is 16 weeks. I was dating someone for that time and he hasnt even knocked on my front door because we didn't want the kids to be involved yet.

It's good to know what you both want and how that might look but if your girls are teens will they not soon be off to uni and give you some flexibility.?

checkedcurtain · 23/01/2022 17:02

It's been 4 months and the kids have met - that isn't taking it slow!

Toinfinityandbeyond3 · 23/01/2022 17:31

I'm shocked by 4 months. I have nothing else productive to say to you, but this is extremely irresponsible.

MananaTomorrow · 23/01/2022 17:44

I don’t think you can.

You have two teenagers whose education would be highly disrupted by moving to another area. So that’s a crap timing for you to move.
Your DP has his child 50/50 so moving 45mins away would be very had to do (eg taking to school, picking him up etc…)

Even if you were moving half way, it would still involve quite a lot of travel for everyone.

RogerDodger · 23/01/2022 17:52

You’re getting waaay ahead of yourself OP. You’re nowhere near proposal, living together or marriage. Enjoy dating him. Keep your kids out of it.

RogerDodger · 23/01/2022 17:53

And no, you’re definitely not taking things slowly. Your rushing into blending your children into each other’s lives.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 23/01/2022 20:53

Everyone saying 4 months is way too soon etc; not everyone feels that way. My partner and I moved in together after 8 months 7 years ago, we both had children from other relationships. We now have two children together. Things aren't always black and white in terms of time lines.
In terms of distance, I would say your children who are with you 100% of the time need to remain in their schools. They are getting to the important years at school. Could you move slightly further out so your daughters can still travel by bus to school and the days your bf has his children then he would just have to drive them in 🤷🏻‍♀️

sassbott · 23/01/2022 21:36

@bathsh3ba if you think this is slow, what would be rushed? 4 months in, no one is meeting my kids. Not a chance in hell and nor am I telling them that I am dating someone. But that’s by the by.

Re longer term how it works? Well you’ve already laid out the pros and cons. Personally there is no way I would uproot teens from friends / school. Especially if they are happy and settled within good secondaries already, with positive friends around them? And even if you didn’t move schools, but moved closer to your partner? They would effectively be excluded from things due to distance. My teens will get invited to something there and then, fine, all their friends are local and they make their own way there. That wouldn’t be possible if they lived 45 minutes away.

In terms of him moving? That also isn’t realistic if he has 50/50.

In these situations what I would do is seek for him to retain a smaller property for him/ his son, as their base near where he is based. And the rest of the time he’s based at yours.

Your children are teens, you don’t have many more years of this. If they plan to go to uni, so long as they have space in your new home, a move is perfectly feasible once they have done a levels.

I would also seek to maximise non official cohabiting. I respect that you won’t officially cohabit due to religious reasons but please open your eyes and read some threads on here. People find themselves with very different dynamics when families fully blend. Previously happy children/ situations can become the polar opposite.

I think it sounds lovely that you’ve both found one another. But you are moving way too fast and my advice is slow down, read some other threads and chill. There is no fire, you’re both young.

perimenofertility · 23/01/2022 21:42

Also agree that this all seems very rushed!
But if you are going ahead with marriage and living together, a possible solution is that he moves in with you so your DDs are at the same school, but when he has DS on school days they stay at his current home and with you at weekends. Then look for a secondary school for DS that works for both of his parents.

ChrisAnneTheMum · 23/01/2022 21:42

"Almost four months" really is too soon to be thinking about this. I'd say it is too soon to introduce your children to one another, and your boyfriend ought really to seek to minimise his son's wedding expectations. If it does happen, it is likely to be a very long way off, not least because you can't readily solve the practical problem of school/location. What you absolutely can't do is move your teenage girls away from their school and friends because you've met a man.

cherryonthecakes · 23/01/2022 21:55

Your only options are to move to his area when there's a natural transition point in your kids education as he has to stay near his ex so he can continue 50/50.

RogerDodger · 23/01/2022 21:58

We’re talking about 15 weeks here at most. None of the people involved here know anyone well enough to even consider moving houses and uprooting children.

Wizzbangfizz · 23/01/2022 22:38

Keep your lives separate

Skeumorph · 24/01/2022 13:45

That's pretty shockingly irresponsible - on the part of the parent with an EIGHT year old especially. And this child is 'pestering' his father to propose to a woman he must have met a handful of times and his own father really has no in depth knowledge of?!

That's utterly bad parenting, sorry.

Your children ideally wouldn't even be aware of the relationship yet, not until both of you know each other a LOT better.

JustWonderingIfYou · 24/01/2022 13:48

Waaaaay too fast. Hes a guy you've been dating 4 months not your "partner". You've probably only seen him on his best behaviour and hardly know the guy. How many times have you even met up? With the kids and distance i'd be surprised if you'd made it to 20 dates.

Your kids shouldn't have met, way to soon to involve them!

mummytotwoboys0600 · 24/01/2022 13:59

Some people are so opinionated! Blimey!

RogerDodger · 24/01/2022 14:03

What’s wrong with opinionated? Confused everyone has opinions- even you. It’s why this forum exists- to get other opinions.

CornishGem1975 · 24/01/2022 15:16

Jesus Christ, she's not saying she's moving in after 4 months, they're thinking about the future which, to be honest, it's infinitely sensible! There's no point investing years into a relationship that ultimately down the line you can't make work because of the complexities. There's absolutely nothing wrong with considering now how it could all play out.

RedWingBoots · 24/01/2022 15:24

OP 4 months is fine for the teenagers, especially as you have been single for a long time, but is not for the 8 year old.

The reason it clearly isn't for the 8 year old is that he's already expecting you to get married.

In regards to living together wait until your teenage children are independent so have at least left home once. (They may come back as adults but that's a different set of rules.)

In the meantime keep your lives separate and watch closely how he parents his son without comment. If you don't like how he parents him then you can't live together at all.

FelicityPike · 24/01/2022 15:26

FOUR MONTHS? Wow.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 24/01/2022 15:48

Thank you for the comments. To clarify, and I think other PPs have also said this, we are not planning to move in or marry anytime soon. But neither do we want to just date for years which is why we are thinking about/talking about future possibilities.

The kids all wanted to meet and they honestly get on great. I don't think it was too soon to introduce them under our circumstances. It's not as if we have stayed over or one of us has moved in, we have just had a couple of nice days out together. It isn't necessarily black and white, one size fits all. His son also pesters his mum to remarry and she has been with the other man since they split so I'm not reading anything into it!

Thank you for the ideas/suggestions.

OP posts:
sassbott · 24/01/2022 15:59

Why don’t you want to date for years and take your time getting to know one another? What’s the rush? Urgency?

And as an aside, teens are slightly different, I get it. But an 8 year old shouldn’t be told about their parents romantic situation this early. The lack of boundaries in this situation makes my head hurt. The fact that you are defending normalising it makes it worse.

I’m a divorced parent. With an exp. My kids didn’t meet my ex for 10 months, his were a year. And even at that stage things seemed so rosy. It took years for issues to bubble up and I thank god that I took my time and kept a separate home. For all the childrens sakes. I appreciate that is my situation but I’m not alone in experiencing this.

Diggersaursarethebest · 24/01/2022 16:07

OP is the issue here that in addition to not living together before marriage that you also won’t sleep together before marriage? I can see why you wouldn’t want to wait years in that case.
What about doing a religious marriage when you feel ready (I’m not sure about financially tying yourselves together this early on) but not living together? Your dp could come stay with you when he’s not doing school runs for his son.

I0NA · 24/01/2022 16:08

@Skeumorph

That's pretty shockingly irresponsible - on the part of the parent with an EIGHT year old especially. And this child is 'pestering' his father to propose to a woman he must have met a handful of times and his own father really has no in depth knowledge of?!

That's utterly bad parenting, sorry.

Your children ideally wouldn't even be aware of the relationship yet, not until both of you know each other a LOT better.

This. You need to slow right down.