Shared custody (50-50) and new relationships

[bathsh3ba]

So I've been dating a new guy for almost 4 months. We are taking things slowly but we talk about the future as we neither of us take a wait and see approach to dating, we only want to date if we can see it progressing to marriage in due course. Anyway, everything is going well.

We are both late 30s and divorced, I was single 7 years before I met him and he was single 5 years. So both our marriages ended a long time ago. I have 2 teenage girls full time and they rarely and irregularly see their dad, who frankly doesn't make an effort. My partner has 50-50 shared custody of an 8yo son. We also live about 45 minutes apart, so not a long way but enough to cause some practical issues if we one day lived together.

The kids have met and get on great, my girls like my partner and his son and his son is pestering his dad to propose, though we have told him it is much too soon for that! We haven't spent extended periods of time with the kids yet though as we are deliberately taking it slowly.

So all good but I can't get my head round how we could one day marry and live together without seriously disrupting at least one set of kids' lives. We won't live together outside of marriage for religious reasons.

So I was looking for stories of how people have combined lives with 50-50 custody. As far as I can see he can't move because he has to be close to his son's school. I could move but I don't want to move my girls' school so I'd be doing a lot of driving and moving my girls away from their friends. Or we could wait till my girls leave school but that does feel a long haul.

My boyfriend met my children (10,12 and 15) after 8 weeks for a dinner out, they knew about him and were curious. Previous boyfriends were never introduced as i did not care enough to mention them or have a plan to blend in any way. I also do 50/50.

He didn't stay over until 7 months in and he only stays sporadically and sees them 5/6 times a month as he'll pop over for a mid week dinner etc. We will up that in a few months to 2 nights stay over a week. I have struggled and have worried about the future but we have talked and talked about how to develop their relationship gradually and they now very much see him as a fixture. We are trying to plan and balance. We will marry on our second anniversary -we may have to move countries as my job is changing but if we do, we'll do it as a unit.

Anyone want to hoik up their judgey pants, feel free.

When you say teens how old are they?

I get why you would be thinking of it now. No point pursuing a relationship if you want things you can't really have.

Personally I would be waiting until your kids are older and maybe moving somewhere in between or near him as his son will still be in school.

@sofato5miles does your dp have a child? Moving as a unit is far easier if he doesn't. Op doesn't only have to consider her kids and her dp. There's another child with life 45 mins away to consider.

I would bet your dp would be less willing to leave the country if it means leaving his child behind. If he does have a child and that doesn't bother him, then yes....I would openly judge him.

@sofato5miles does your partner have children/ a child?

You say you do 50/50, what does your ex say about you moving your kids to a different country?

I don’t have to hoik up any pants. Your children will sort that for you when they hold you to account when they grow up.

A good friend of mine moved with her 14 year old daughter for a ‘job’. Involved a man also. As an adult the daughter is very clear to her mother about the impact that had on her life - to be torn away from friends/ her father/ sports teams at such a formative age and plunged into a very different country. It’s impacted their relationship irreversibly and it may recover, it may not.

My friend is now married to said man so you could say it worked out fine. Each to their own. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Honestly, there is no need for judgement on moving, i meant more on the speed ( ie marrying again within 2 years of meeting new partners) In RL it happens and i meant to reassure the OP on that point as MN is weird on this. We expect mothers to martyr themselves. There can be a middle, considered way. Both ex and i are happier and modelling much better relationships than we had. And we would both move back to our home country. It is helped that the four of us are friendly and socialise easily together.

For clarity, no other kids and both men have had the snip. We are also expats so moving is part of our lives.

Not every change is negative.

@sofato5miles ah so we judged the wrong bit. You wanted to judge the speed.

Even though ops main question was moving and you included moving in your post, that wasn't the bit that was meant to help the op?

Not sure how that would reassure the op, tbh. You haven't got married yet or hot enough time in the relationship to know if it was a good idea or not.

Nor has she. I was posting to say she is not alone and at least one other person is in a similar headspace 🤷🏻‍♀️

@sofato5miles

Nor has she. I was posting to say she is not alone and at least one other person is in a similar headspace 🤷🏻‍♀️

So the move wasn't relevant. And the relationship bit was solidarity. But actually not reassuring at all, because there's no positive outcome?

But you did hope people would judge you?

Ok then.

Regardless of your religious beliefs I think it'd be really irresponsible to subject your kids to a blended family home through marriage without a trial period of living together. You can't really know how he, and you as a couple, are going to cope with the daily grind of family life until you're in the thick of things.

4 months, children have met each other and talking about living together and marriage.. Wow...

@Bussinbussin that's your belief and mine is different. I think it would be irresponsible to live together without the commitment of marriage. Of course we would not do everything overnight, there would be a gradual process and making sure the kids were comfortable with it is a big part of that, which is why we are considering them now. In fact that is one reason why we introduced kids earlier rather than later, because meeting informally earlier was lower stakes for them and us and if it hadn't gone well, we could all more easily have moved on than if we had waited six months or a year.

It's clearly going to have to be a compromise if and when we do make that move but I'm thinking it's better if we compromise than the kids so maintaining two households for a little while after marriage would probably be the best option.

My girls are 13 and 15. I've said as an absolute I won't change their schools till after GCSEs. And if they want to stay at the same school for A Levels I won't move them then either.

If you live 45 mins apart, isn't the obvious answer to move halfway in between? Maybe not quite as convenient, but lots of kids live 20-25 mins away from their school or their NRP. It doesn't seem that big a deal to me?

It's early days op, give it another 18/24 months before you even think about moving in. That way your dds will be coming towards the end of secondary school, and your partners child will be in secondary. I'd probably think along the lines of not moving in until your girls are in employment or further education. Moving in can wait tbh, and it won't be forever.

You say you are taking things slowly.... but after only 4 months you are talking about the future and marriage!?! Slow down! Enjoy it for now as it is. And dont disrupt any kids lives for a long time yet

I think if you don't want to live together before marriage that's fine. Usually you are only betting your own happiness.

I think huge concerns would be that you are a great couple on theory. But not compatible living together or sexually. In this situation, its also your kids stability you are risking. But anyone living with a new partner is.

However, it's not going to happen for years. You won't move. A decent parent who does 50:50 wouldn't move 45 mins away, unless there was no other choice, just for a new wife.

So just see what happens if you are together at that point.

Just fwiw, marriage isn't always the responsible option. If you have assets or money or plans to help your kids in future. Marriage might not be the way forward. Ensure you understand (legally and financially) where you stand, before you get married. People not getting g married should also do their own thing.

@Dubgirl1212

4 months, children have met each other and talking about living together and marriage.. Wow...

almost 4 months!

I think it's too soon to be able to plan tbh OP, as anything could change over the years to come - eg your DP's ex may move and his schedule may change, your girls may leave school and go to a college in a different location making it easier for you all to move towards DP etc.

I'd just be wary that if he's got 50/50 then he's pretty tied to the locality he's in now. Depending on where you are, you could maybe look at halfway between but equally appreciate that might not work (before living together DP & I lived 55 mins apart but with London in between us so no chance of halfway working).

I think it's fine to think about these things early? They are not actually moving in together now and it's best to see if the situation is actually viable before going further down the road really.

I think the religious aspect makes an enormous difference. For people who are highly religious, and deep into their religious community, those factors trump all. It can be impossible to stay in that community if you are known to be 'living in sin'. On the plus side, you may get a lot more help with the children than average - lots of childrens' activities, family days, willing babysitters. Also, plenty of relationship coaching and counselling, and both families standing four square behind the relationship succeeding - if you're lucky!

You may also know better who you are taking on - like having worked with someone for ten years. It's harder to hide if you are constantly with groups of people socially. Very different to a relationship via the swipe method.

Yep, I think it is a very good idea to think about these things early. Me and DP discussed these kind of things in early dates before much had happened between us - why would you get emotionally attached and then have all these issues? I don't agree with mumsnet that you should wait a year before meeting. In real life, by the time a year goes by, most people are in love and quite attached. Its difficult by then, to back out if kids hate each other/ kids don't get on with step parents ect....and then you have all the issues people post about on this board. But if you just introduce as friends and its clear it won't work early on, then you can step away with no major heartbreak.

To answer your question OP. It would be sensible to live in a new place together when the time comes. Is there nowhere half way? I think you should have priority in being closer to the school for your girls, whereas your DP has 50/50 so would only need to take his in half the time. I was in a similar situation and distance, and moved somewhere about 30 mins drive away from DP's kids school.

Despite the fact you keep saying you're taking it slowly you clearly aren't. You've been together 4 months and you're worried about the logistics of living together, mental. I'd be very surprised if you're still together this time next year.

Well, there is obviously a divide between those who understand our logic and the difference between thinking about the logistics of living together v actually moving in, and those who advocate just dating for months, which is incompatible with my and his values on dating and marriage.

To the poster who mentioned faith, yes, this is an important component. Our church leaders are aware and supportive and we literally have a whole team of family and church around us looking out for us and more than willing to voice any concerns if they have any. But so far everyone who knows us and knows our children is happy we are doing things right and at the right pace.

Some Christians do marry sooner because of the whole no sex before marriage thing but that isn't a major motivator for us. We obviously don't want to wait years but we also don't intend to get married just to have sex, we have both experienced the pain of divorce and want to be sure we get it right this time. The difference is that we don't believe we need to live together first or date for years to be sure of that because we also incorporate prayer, and guidance from trusted family and church friends. It will take more than months to be sure, but not years. I think most people know in their heart of hearts about a year in.

@bathsh3ba
I think you will have an easier time if the ex-wife is equally well supported by the church. Re-marriage and the birth of further children are just as much flash-points in religious communities as in the wider world. Relations may be calm and cordial now, after a long period of single life, but when the status changes, everything can change.

My very, very religious SDC were fine with DH and I, until they sensed a wedding was imminent. Your DP's ex may be similar. Time, financial resources, emotional engagement, power dynamics - all up for grabs at that point. People get scared and act without engaging brain.

Thanks for the note of caution. His ex wife has cut ties with the church/lost her faith so I don't think religion will affect how she feels about things. I can see her causing some trouble potentially if things get more serious but we will cross that bridge if and when we come to it.

Some Christians do marry sooner because of the whole no sex before marriage thing but that isn't a major motivator for us. We obviously don't want to wait years but we also don't intend to get married just to have sex, we have both experienced the pain of divorce and want to be sure we get it right this time. The difference is that we don't believe we need to live together first or date for years to be sure of that because we also incorporate prayer, and guidance from trusted family and church friends. It will take more than months to be sure, but not years. I think most people know in their heart of hearts about a year in.

So you want to get married within a year of meeting, but think that's taking it slow?

@bathsh3ba

Thanks for the note of caution. His ex wife has cut ties with the church/lost her faith so I don't think religion will affect how she feels about things. I can see her causing some trouble potentially if things get more serious but we will cross that bridge if and when we come to it.

I don't think religion will affect how she feels about things

I think it will, in a reverse sense. If the divorce led to her leaving the church as well, she could be pretty traumatized by religion. Feeling very scarred by her inability to live up to the requirements that land heavily on the women. Mega tact and diplomacy required, and no smug married attitude. She may feel it hard if you succeed where she 'failed'. This may spill over into family rules affecting her child - bedtimes, console games etc.