Should I just go?

[Compsognathusisnotahadrosaur]

My SS is 14. I have been in his life since he was 4. He's always been a difficult child and it's become more evident that he's on the spectrum as time has gone on. He appears to be quite camp and favours girls clothes although he doesn't really express a sexuality or gender. He has no friends and refuses to leave the house when he's here. I used to get on with him well but as the years have gone on we've got less and less close. He now refuses to talk to me and just stares at me.
The problem now is that I don't really like him at all. I don't like when he's in our home and I am frankly pleased when he's ill and can't come round.
I know this makes me awful and I know I can't ask my DH to choose between us (because I'd expect him to pick his son and be horrified if he didn't) but I can't be in the same house as SS any more.
As a bit of a back story SS has told horrific lies about me in the past and DH has tried to be fair but the lies were awful. SS is now selectively non verbal towards me and in 12 months I've had no more than the occasional single word responses and grunts from him. SS apparently talks to DH when they are on their own and DH thinks SS is just "on the spectrum" and can't help their 'awkwardness'. To be clear there has never been an autism diagnosis, just an assumption made on certain traits.
Leaving DH and living in separate houses will be financial suicide with regard to ever being able to retire but staying and putting up with this horrible atmosphere is affecting my MH. So, should I pack it in and commit financial suicide to escape the misery of SS or should I try to survive the next 4 of so years because it'll get easier.
Before anyone asks, I think I do still love DH but it's difficult to separate him from SS who makes me miserable.

How have the last 10 years been? That's a long time to be in this situation

Has your DH tried to deal with this? Family counselling for example?

Or is he quite happily leaving his DS in a situation that he clearly has massive issues with? Not to mention you in a horrid situation.

The last 10 years have been variable. Ranging from horrible to great. We've weathered a few storms that were unconnected to SS and I do think he loves me.
There has never been any attempt at family counselling or counselling for SS because SS's Mum is not supportive of a diagnosis or any sort of 'labelling'. Which I can see her point with but SS seems unhappy and that's going yo cause future issues.

Just to add SS seemed to be a normal happy child up until about the age of about 8 when his Mum split up with her partner and moved house. This unsettled SS and he doesn't seem to have recovered. The relationship between me and him has deteriorated ever since.

Family counselling wouldn’t be a diagnosis of any sort - it would be your household working through the clear issues there.

Your last post clearly says that he was/is worried about losing another person from his life after his mother’s partner left. That should have been dealt with at the time

Tbh I wouldn’t want to stay married to a man who has settled on this for his child. It’s shit parenting to do nothing about a clearly unhappy child.

What does the house/financial stuff look like? Why’s it so bad?

I’d take the hit. You’re right, it’s corrosive to your mental health and that’s got to last as much as your money has to.

What is your husband doing for all this? How is he managing his son's behaviour and needs? How is he trying to help and support him? Btw, letting him do whatever he wants is not the answer.

You either have a kid with severe unmet needs or a kid with no boundaries and rules whose parents are fucking about. Either way, I don't blame you for wanting no part of it.

Your options are:

1.be done Done. Fuck it all , leave it behind you and start over.

1. Stay with your partner but move away, which is hard financially and you'll still get trickles of SS's behaviour. Plus I can't see how resentment won't build up on both sides.

3.Continue living there but make yourself completely unavailable when he visits, don't get involved, go out etc. Again this can put a strain on your relationship anyways if your OH is unable to accept that.

1. Continue as you are and see your MH decline even further and always wait for the other shoe to drop, the next argument, the next escalation,the next lie while watching your partner's ineffective parenting.

They're all shit options tbh bar one. You know better what you can put up with.

I think you need to have the conversation with your husband. Make it clear something needs to change NOW or you're done.

This is not worth your mental health declining over. No relationship/marriage is.

I don't know what your marriage is like. But not taking any action, or taking you into consideration is him showing you he doesn't care.

SS needs help. You need to feel safe. OH needs to man up.

@ldontWanna

What is your husband doing for all this? How is he managing his son's behaviour and needs? How is he trying to help and support him? Btw, letting him do whatever he wants is not the answer.

You either have a kid with severe unmet needs or a kid with no boundaries and rules whose parents are fucking about. Either way, I don't blame you for wanting no part of it.

Your options are:

1.be done Done. Fuck it all , leave it behind you and start over.

1. Stay with your partner but move away, which is hard financially and you'll still get trickles of SS's behaviour. Plus I can't see how resentment won't build up on both sides.

3.Continue living there but make yourself completely unavailable when he visits, don't get involved, go out etc. Again this can put a strain on your relationship anyways if your OH is unable to accept that.

1. Continue as you are and see your MH decline even further and always wait for the other shoe to drop, the next argument, the next escalation,the next lie while watching your partner's ineffective parenting.

They're all shit options tbh bar one. You know better what you can put up with.

Thank you. I feel like you understand the situation perfectly. I just don't think I'm brave enough for option 1 because splitting the finances will have a massive impact. It will take years longer for me to pay off a mortgage and It'll add at least 5 years to my working life. I think option 3 might be the best I can do and hope that the next 4 years (until SS turns 18) don't destroy my MH and what remains of my marriage. I just wish we had never shared finances with anyone. 😪

@coffeeandcake91

I think you need to have the conversation with your husband. Make it clear something needs to change NOW or you're done.

This is not worth your mental health declining over. No relationship/marriage is.

I don't know what your marriage is like. But not taking any action, or taking you into consideration is him showing you he doesn't care.

SS needs help. You need to feel safe. OH needs to man up.

The last sentence exactly! Conversations need to happen. DH is an ineffectual parent and its not fair to either me or SS.

@AnneLovesGilbert

What does the house/financial stuff look like? Why’s it so bad?

I’d take the hit. You’re right, it’s corrosive to your mental health and that’s got to last as much as your money has to.

I earn good money. DH is in a minimum wage job. Over the last few years I've paid 80% of everything including using lump sum of inheritance money to extend the house. If we split DH is entitled to 50% of everything.

I was in a similar situation, same thing got on with my dsd until she hit 13 she was also on the spectrum found life difficult, a lot of issues, she needed help but never really got it, it was hard for me to try and help as her mum would feel it wasn't my place I guess, she was also very jealous and I think that spilled out onto both her daughters. And although she was a child she did some awful things to me and my own children. I never disiplined her I left that to her dad but in the end she would refuse to come to the house if I was there. It really hurt but her dad didn't want me there incase she wouldn't come either so in the end I left I just could not take anymore. I still don't know what I did but what I will say is even after I left she was still refusing to come for various reasons and still struggles with life. I wasn't the problem I was the scapegoat. However I was so hurt he didn't fight for me, I wouldn't and didn't ask him to choose I wanted to sort it out but noo!

But it was the best thing I did 2 years later it still hurts but I have my own house with my own children and they are happier, no more drama I can relax in my house and not feel hated and judged! Your dp needs to support you for this to work and get the support his ds needs

What do you reckon happens when he hits 18?

Could you go and stay somewhere else during the weekends that he is with you? If it is an otherwise happy marriage?

Your DH really needs to step up here though. For both of your sakes.

I’d divorce. Life is too short to put up with it.

I think the poster asking about what happens at 18 makes a good point. This boy won't disappear from your life at 18.
He'll still be around, visiting, not accepting you.
You'll continue to feel disrespected and sidelined and this could go on for years and years.

In your situation, if my husband wasn't trying to resolve it and help his son then I'd go.

It doesn’t stop at 18, he’ll be in your life for as long as you are with your partner. There’s no guarantee he’ll move out at 18.

Can you take some time out? I looked at moving out for a bit, not anywhere as difficult a situation as yours, I’d just had enough really. We thought it might reset dh’s relationship with his son and allow me time to breathe.

Circumstances intervened so it didn’t happen but I think it was a good option at the time.

Why was 4 years mentioned? Hitting 18 won't see change.

I have a child with ASD, and it doesn't magically disappear once they hit 18. If anything it will make things harder as they need a much higher degree of support navigating adult life, which many young adults find very challenging.
I'd cut my financial losses for my piece of mind and walk away. You really should have ring fenced that 80%! If your DH is a decent man he will not insist on 50/50, considering the financial disparity.

My NT ds didn't leave home until 24...
. That's another 10 year stretch for you op..
Imagine that 10 years of peace if you split now..

OP, maintaining your MH might be worth adding 5 years to your work life. Assuming that your health permits, working longer can actually be good for your mental health.

The financial circumstances of divorce would leave you in the same situation that many men find themselves in when they are married to SAHM/SAHWs or women who earn substantially less money. Generally the person who makes no or substantially less of a financial contribution fares better financially in a divorce .

You can also simply disengage. It should not be terribly difficult to disengage from a 14 year old who refuses to speak/talk to you. You need only accept and follow the lead that he has set.

Given your description of him and his age, he is likely going through a difficult time of his own. Patience and distance may allow both of you to come out in a better place on the other side of this particularly trying period.

I found that when my SS was particularly delightful (from around 12 - 15) I simply went elsewhere on the weekends he visited. Sometimes with my DD, sometimes on my own. It helped, but there's always the mental load, thinking about the situation and things that get to you. It depends if you could realistically do this. Plus what other posters have said about SS not magically disappearing at 18 is true - my SS is 20 this year and although he comes over less, there are still issues to navigate and I still often disappear when he comes over! I understand what you're saying about finances however, it seems like you have a lot to lose in financial terms. Have you talked to your DH about how unhappy SS makes you feel? Do you think he'd take any steps to try to improve things?

He appears to be quite camp and favours girls clothes although he doesn't really express a sexuality or gender.

What does this have to do with anything? It reads as if this is part of the reason why you don't like him??

@Compsognathusisnotahadrosaur I think it would be a good idea to talk to a solicitor first and see what's what then sit down and crunch some numbers. Once you know exactly what the financial situation is you can properly assess your relationship.

I would create a separate home within the home. Armchair, desk, TV, fridge kettle etc so you have somewhere peaceful to go when the boy visits - he will hardly know you are in the house and tell your partner to do some parenting.