Should I just go?

[Compsognathusisnotahadrosaur]

My SS is 14. I have been in his life since he was 4. He's always been a difficult child and it's become more evident that he's on the spectrum as time has gone on. He appears to be quite camp and favours girls clothes although he doesn't really express a sexuality or gender. He has no friends and refuses to leave the house when he's here. I used to get on with him well but as the years have gone on we've got less and less close. He now refuses to talk to me and just stares at me.
The problem now is that I don't really like him at all. I don't like when he's in our home and I am frankly pleased when he's ill and can't come round.
I know this makes me awful and I know I can't ask my DH to choose between us (because I'd expect him to pick his son and be horrified if he didn't) but I can't be in the same house as SS any more.
As a bit of a back story SS has told horrific lies about me in the past and DH has tried to be fair but the lies were awful. SS is now selectively non verbal towards me and in 12 months I've had no more than the occasional single word responses and grunts from him. SS apparently talks to DH when they are on their own and DH thinks SS is just "on the spectrum" and can't help their 'awkwardness'. To be clear there has never been an autism diagnosis, just an assumption made on certain traits.
Leaving DH and living in separate houses will be financial suicide with regard to ever being able to retire but staying and putting up with this horrible atmosphere is affecting my MH. So, should I pack it in and commit financial suicide to escape the misery of SS or should I try to survive the next 4 of so years because it'll get easier.
Before anyone asks, I think I do still love DH but it's difficult to separate him from SS who makes me miserable.

I agree absolutely nothing will be different the day he turns 18. DP and I keep homes and finances separate. His dd is 20 and and I am very uncomfortable around her. DP simply struggles to know where the heck to start with his dd. I think this is probably at the root of many an inneffective divorced dad.

Nothing you can do about it. You can’t magic up this capability in your DH. Just build a life that leaves enough space for comfort. Maybe that means setting up alone.

If, in ten years time things are the same. Will you kick yourself for not setting up a peaceful home for yourself sooner? With more working life left to build that life?

I would add that I could not live in a home/stay in a marriage where my husband believed it was ok for me to be blanked or just stared at. That’s a dealbreaker.

Maybe tell your DH that? Ask him… does he have any suggestions?

Because you are pretty powerless except to either make yourself scarce (unlikely to solve it, the mental load and difficult feelings will still be there) or divorce and move out (imagine the peace).

My SM used to disappear when I stayed at my dad’s, I assume because she didn’t want me there and eventually screamed at me to get out. I think it’s a weird thing to do. It’s your home, you shouldn’t have to hide away from him.

@SomewhereOnlyIKnow

My SM used to disappear when I stayed at my dad’s, I assume because she didn’t want me there and eventually screamed at me to get out. I think it’s a weird thing to do. It’s your home, you shouldn’t have to hide away from him.

Comments like this from SC worry me because I often disappear so to make sure my SD feels like she has one on one time with DH and I would really be upset if she thought I was trying to avoid her 😵‍💫

I do make it crystal clear that I'm leaving them to have one on one time together but I'm back of my head I worry as weirdly my SD rather likes time with me and is rather attached to me.

Any tips on how to make sure she doesn't feel like I'm avoiding her ? Baring the obvious - Genuine question (sorry to single your post out here) 😩

Thanks for all your comments. I suppose I thought that at 18 SS will go to uni and would just generally be around much less. Either way I wouldn't accept this situation from an adult and so I'd feel in a better position to insist that DH spent time with SS out of the house and that whilst in the house SS shows respect. I do know that 18 isn't adult as such because I have a 25 year old son but I do know that at 18 the rules change as to what behaviour will be tolerated.
I'm not sure why I mentioned the camp thing, I had a lot going through my mind and I was trying to think about the causes of SS behaviour. I was trying to rationalise his treatment of me as being a displacement of something he's struggling with.
Am I being foolish to think things will improve when he hits 18?

If you split now your DH gets less than he would in 4-10 years time if nothing improves.

I would be tempted to rent a room in a lovely professional house share to stay at when you want to. Or perhaps as a lodger where you may get a reduced rate with it being part time.

Or look at visiting friends a lot more, hotels on your own, a hobby that involves weekends away.

You definitely need to stop paying 80% of everything and you need to tell your H that if his DS isn't expected to have basic manners towards you then he isn't welcome anymore and ASD or not something needs to change as you are done being treated like shit on a shoe.

@RandomMess

If you split now your DH gets less than he would in 4-10 years time if nothing improves.

I would be tempted to rent a room in a lovely professional house share to stay at when you want to. Or perhaps as a lodger where you may get a reduced rate with it being part time.

Or look at visiting friends a lot more, hotels on your own, a hobby that involves weekends away.

You definitely need to stop paying 80% of everything and you need to tell your H that if his DS isn't expected to have basic manners towards you then he isn't welcome anymore and ASD or not something needs to change as you are done being treated like shit on a shoe.

What I'd really love is to tell DH that if SS can't be polite then they should stay somewhere else. I really resent that I constantly have to be elsewhere or that it's expected that I should stay somewhere else when I'm funding the whole damn thing. The resentment is making me unpleasant. I think the only way is to leave permanently. Sad thing is that I do love my husband.

Well actually tell him that.

Spell it out to him that his ineffectual parenting is the problem, he has nothing to help his DS behave in a socially expected way ASD or not.

He is more to lose than you.

Tell him he needs to start seeing DSS away from the house, take him away for the weekend as the situation is making you so unwell.

• What I'd really love is to tell DH that if SS can't be polite then they should stay somewhere else. I really resent that I constantly have to be elsewhere or that it's expected that I should stay somewhere else when I'm funding the whole damn thing. The resentment is making me unpleasant. I think the only way is to leave permanently. Sad thing is that I do love my husband.*

Sometimes love is not enough. You need to accept that. Love isn't getting your needs met. Love isn't looking after and supporting your mental healt. Love doesn't compensate a tricky SS whose needs also aren't being met and an ineffectual dad and possibly husband. You can't love enough for the three of you.

You should love yourself at least a fraction of how much you love your husband, then you would see that you deserve better.

@Santahasjoinedww

Why was 4 years mentioned? Hitting 18 won't see change.

This is so true. OP the son won’t cease to exist when he turns 18. Your other half will always be involved in his life. There’ll always be family functions when you have to get together. This problem will never go away, even when he’s an adult.

If you can’t stand him and can’t see it improving, I would leave. It’s the only solution.

@Compsognathusisnotahadrosaur

Thanks for all your comments. I suppose I thought that at 18 SS will go to uni and would just generally be around much less. Either way I wouldn't accept this situation from an adult and so I'd feel in a better position to insist that DH spent time with SS out of the house and that whilst in the house SS shows respect. I do know that 18 isn't adult as such because I have a 25 year old son but I do know that at 18 the rules change as to what behaviour will be tolerated. I'm not sure why I mentioned the camp thing, I had a lot going through my mind and I was trying to think about the causes of SS behaviour. I was trying to rationalise his treatment of me as being a displacement of something he's struggling with. Am I being foolish to think things will improve when he hits 18?

It sounds as though you’re not completely sure that it’s legitimate to expect politeness and respect from a 14 year old.

It’s 100% legitimate to expect politeness and respect from a 14 year old. ASD quirks or or not. Your within your rights to expect it. From today.

If your DH can’t bring this about then that’s on him.

Ime dc can still be very needy at 18!! In fact despite my ds 20 being away in the army he is still needy!!
And another fact - at 25 my ds rang me from his new home to go remove a spider from his lounge..
I didn't go round folks!!

I think it’s more legitimate to expect politeness and ask/demand it than ask it of an 18yo.

You need to tackle this with H now, tell him how you feel, you’re not asking him to choose, you’re telling him to parent.

And yes. From today.

Where is SS’s mother in this?

I agree with PPs that nothing will change when he reaches 18 and he could even spend more time at your home if he decides not to go to Uni.

You are being generous by describing SS as ‘selectively non-verbal’ with you. He’s ignoring you! It terribly rude and your husband is enabling/allowing it.

Time to lay it on the line to DH. How would he feel if this was your son and he blanked DH for years when at your shared home, while you said nothing?

Make sure DH knows this is make or break. He comes out as the very weakest link in this scenario.

Op , could you tell us how often he comes to the house now and whether you could talk to your DH about this reducing now he’s a teen? X

Tbh not sure how much love and respect you could have for a man who allows you to be treated as you are..

@MeridianB

Where is SS’s mother in this?

I agree with PPs that nothing will change when he reaches 18 and he could even spend more time at your home if he decides not to go to Uni.

You are being generous by describing SS as ‘selectively non-verbal’ with you. He’s ignoring you! It terribly rude and your husband is enabling/allowing it.

Time to lay it on the line to DH. How would he feel if this was your son and he blanked DH for years when at your shared home, while you said nothing?

Make sure DH knows this is make or break. He comes out as the very weakest link in this scenario.

An autistic child becoming non-verbal around someone they are not comfortable with is not "ignoring" or "blanking", it's a recognised part of being autistic and they can't just switch it off.

OP, I think you should leave the relationship. This child is clearly not getting the support he needs and you, clearly, are not helping with your overt dislike of him. He is your husband's child - he is not going to disappear in a puff of smoke when he reaches 18, and it's appalling of you to stay in this family when that is what you are secretly hoping for.

I really feel for this boy, who seems to be surrounded by adults hell-bent on making all the wrong choices for him.

I feel sorry for the OP, this kid is being failed by the parents and she isn’t in any position to make any change because the parents are too weak or too far up their own arses to support their child grow into the decent and functional adult he could be

I had very close friend in similar situation. However the real
Impact here was not on either the father the step mum or the mother.. it was on the son.

Not wanting a 'label' is the very worst decision. He missed out on all the support a a available !! Instead he struggled, was shamed and embarrassed by his inability to 'keep up' ...

Eventually his dad grew a pair with support from me and encouragement from his wife. He finally got the balls to over rule his wife and had his son assessed. He was immediately diagnosed with autism and given a EHCP that thankfully allows him to get an appropriate education until he is 25... he has a PIP.. a claim for Universal Credit as someone not able to work.. he has a support worker and a socialisation officer charged with helping him have a 'normal' social life with kids in the same boat...

Our lives (DH, DSS and me) is so very very different..

SPEAK TO YOUR DH !! His mother doesn't get the 'say' !!

Ok I failed in trying to distance myself... it was me.

@pollygartertidywife

I had very close friend in similar situation. However the real Impact here was not on either the father the step mum or the mother.. it was on the son.

Not wanting a 'label' is the very worst decision. He missed out on all the support a a available !! Instead he struggled, was shamed and embarrassed by his inability to 'keep up' ...

Eventually his dad grew a pair with support from me and encouragement from his wife. He finally got the balls to over rule his wife and had his son assessed. He was immediately diagnosed with autism and given a EHCP that thankfully allows him to get an appropriate education until he is 25... he has a PIP.. a claim for Universal Credit as someone not able to work.. he has a support worker and a socialisation officer charged with helping him have a 'normal' social life with kids in the same boat...

Our lives (DH, DSS and me) is so very very different..

SPEAK TO YOUR DH !! His mother doesn't get the 'say' !!

No good for you. I did the same for my DSD. I will be called evil step mum for pushing it but we got to a bad place and something had to be done. She got her diagnosis and got help and the behaviour improved dramatically so did her education and general ability to make friends.

Yes.. that is what happened for us. I can't pretend it was plain sailing .

Many many nights at A&E with self harming .. couldn't understand why he wasn't like 'everyone else' ...

I personally blame his mother (especially here on step parenting where mothers are always saintly ) . I know it will be an unpopular voice but her steadfast refusal to have him diagnosed in my view was like having a child who is partially sighted and refusing them access to visual aids.

He now has some appropriate education. He has some financial independence. But.... it's not all rosy. Although the decision to get an official diagnosis has been a massive force for good and has made my DSS life immeasurably better he has still lost out on so much that is out there to assist .

I really feel that his mother didn't want an 'autistic' child. It was this that drive the decisions that governed his life. She is very 'showy' . Does the whole 'Instagram' perfect life nonsense... (much much younger than me) and DSS just didn't fit in.