To further 'assist' exw for dcs sake?

[JJfish70]

Good morning everyone.
A friend has directed me to this place so hopefully I can get some advice here.
I am a dad of three aged 22, 18 and 16. My exw and I are divorced for 10 years & we were separated for 2 years previous to our divorce so are12 years apart in total. There was no one else involved on either side, we just were totally incompatible and should never have gotten married. Our eldest was unplanned and we tried to create a family together but it just did not work.
My exw had just left a job when we met and has not worked outside the home since. When we split we agreed I would keep working and she would stay minding the children. I have a good job that involves a fair bit of travelling and I fully appreciated that this made her going out to work while the children were small difficult, as my schedule changes from month to month. This was reflected in our divorce settlement. I pay well over cms which I am more than happy to do. I also undertook to pay for all school extras such as trips etc. and all third level. I have just finished off paying the mortgage on my exw's house which she now owns outright. She also received a six figure lump sum in lieu of spousal maintenance.
I should add that she also moved to the far end of the country to be close to family. This meant I also had to purchase a small property for myself near her home in order to see and spend time with my children.
Now the current issues I'm facing are as follows.
Exw has never gone back to work despite the children getting older and more independent and despite me offering to pay for childcare if needed. She has also proven herself to be very bad with handling money and I am regularly contacted buy my children who say she has no money to give them for shoes, haircuts, that type of thing. She herself has also contacted me looking for money when something happens like her car breaking down. She is always complaining I don't give her enough and says she has gone through the lump sum. How, I don't know, but comments from the children would seem to back this up.
When my eldest turned 18 I stopped his maintenance but give him an allowance & pay for his third level. When he is at his mums and not in his accommodation I have told him to use his allowance to contribute to his mums household which he does. My daughter is 18 and not finishing A levels until this summer so I still pay her maintenance but plan on doing for her what I have done for my eldest once she starts college.
This means the only 'income' going into my exw's house will be the maintenance for my youngest son who has two more years left in school.
My exw is now kicking off massively and demanding I give her more money which my solicitor has emphatically said I should not do. However when I say no she threatens to sell the house and move to another town where some other family members live and threatens to pull our youngest out of school where he is very happy. This could all be bluster but the cold fact is that she is not going to be able to run a house on £200 a week given her lack of money management, her past history and no savings, so I think she will end up doing something drastic like selling her house.
I still travel a lot for work and I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for the past 6 years. She lives in the south of the country and has been remarkably understanding and patient of my situation and the fact that I have to spend so much time at the far end of the country because of my children. It has long been my plan to sell my home in the town where my children live once my youngest goes to college and to use the equity to buy an 'our' home with my partner. However I am now extremely worried that my exw will just sell up and even if she doesn't do it now she will do it in a few years and my children will have no home to go back to as she says she will move in with a sister where there would be no room for our children, and will live off the proceeds of the house sale. They of course know they are always welcome at mine and my partners but their lives are in the north as are their friends & their colleges of choice.
At the moment I'm feeling that I should maybe give her my house up there to live in and thus provide some stability for my youngest as he goes through A Levels and let her sell her house and bank the money. Another part of me feels I should put the house in my children's names as their inheritance and they and she can live there as long as they want.
Either way if I go down any of these roads I am giving up buying a home with my partner. I'm very torn as I am worried about my children and their stability but I also feel I deserve to start living my life now they are all older. I am a fairly successful businessman but I have very little surplus personal money as it has all gone on the divorce settlement and on my children and I cannot afford to keep housing them all AND purchase with my partner.
My family members all tell me I'm mad to keep bailing her out but none of them are divorced so they don't really understand my worries regarding my children who will all still need a base until they go out in the world and get jobs.
My partner has a very good and very specific job and I don't feel it would be fair to ask her to give all that up to move miles away just to provide a base for my adult children especially as I would still be travelling for a few more years and they would be coming and going from college. However I also feel it's unfair of me to keep expecting her to keep living this half relationship with me given our ages and the ages of my children.
If anyone has any ideas I would really appreciate it as I'm getting to a stage where I cannot see a way through.

I think tht as long as your children are in FT education and living at home you should continue to contribute to their upkeep if they are not eligible for student finance. The costs of keeping a roof over the head of an 18 year old at uni are the same as the costs of an 18 year old at school.

I’d normally agree wholeheartedly with this, but considering he’s already contributed to their upkeep by providing 100% of the home they have with their Mum, he’s done that.

@5thnonblonde

How would she describe things? Your post is quite one sided with you exclusively dutiful and her exclusively fiscally irresponsible, reality is rarely that clear cut. Do you understand that the only reason you’ve been able to centre your life around work is because she’s where the buck stops for childcare?

You could take a pay cut and pay her less but be around more for your kids, I suspect you enjoy the lifestyle your income brings and would prefer not to do this. It’s a choice, one she isn’t able to make but you are.

Her youngest child is 16. She’s absolutely able to get a bloody job. She’s doesn’t have rent or mortgage to pay and still gets maintenance for the 16 and 18 year old.

Seriously, at some point it’s her responsibility to support herself.

@5thnonblonde

To add: most modern maintenance agreements through court suggest the child is supported until the end of their first degree so I don’t think you should make any material change for at least 7 years if your youngest is 16. Do you really want him moving house in an exam Year or going to uni and having no room to come home to?

He is supporting the child. He gives money direct to the 22 year old.

He’s not supporting their mother. And that’s what she’s angry about.

Can you afford boarding school for dc3s 6th form / years 12/13? This might solve the problem of you not being there due to work travel. Once you take out what you pay for cm it might not be that much.

Do you know the relation shes planning to live with, would they really be happy for your exW to live with them rent free, along with her 16 year old and house the older 2 dcs in the holidays for long term? Has she applied for benefits?

Well it's nice to see a Laurent who's always out their childrens welfare at the heart of decisions since a divorce.

However as you've noticed your exW has used this to manipulate you.

You are right that she needed spousal support to offset her not working when kids were young as despite divorce this still facilitated your career.

But she did always know eventually this would end.

Sounds like she's more interested in money and how she can spend it than actually earning it.

The suggestion above about private 6th form is a good one. Especially if you can afford a boarding one. Then allow all your children to stay in your northern home during school holidays.

It's for 2 years.

I also agree with above poster about protecting your children from forming an opinion that you aren't financially doing enough from their mum. As adults and almost adults your relationship with them will change. And your support for them is directly between you and them.

@5thnonblonde you are very far off the mark. The fact that I was working and she was at home with young children (which was a joint decision) was reflected in the divorce settlement.
Just as her being home with the children has enabled me to work, me being prepared to work as hard as I do means she has never had the stress of juggling small children and a job.
I see my children very regularly. I go to every parents evening (she never has), I attend every football match I can, I attend every school play etc. and pre covid I take them on all their holidays. They are my children and like many other working parents I spend as much quality time with them as I can while also making sure they have all their material needs catered for.
I respect the fact that my exw stayed home with young children but my youngest has been in secondary school for the last four years and she has done nothing to help herself or prepare for her future.

@Tattler2 I didn't make any poor financial decisions. I provided for my children and respected my exw's wish to be a stay at home mother while the children were small. How is that a bad financial decision?
As the only parent working I paid off her mortgage so my children would have a secure and comfortable home with their mother, I provided her with a car and I cashed in a pension and some other investments to provide her with a lump sum in lieu of spousal maintenance. None of these were bad decisions as I was trying to do right by my children and the mother of my children.
If I have made any error in judgment it was in assuming that she would look to her future and prepare for it.
My partner has worked her entire adult life, she has a very successful career and has no interest in or need of my assets.
As I've said a few times we would like an our house moving forward. This has nothing to do with finances but a lot to do with building a life together into our older age.

@JJfish70 but what would she say? What do you think you could have done better? It’s all coming across as rather one sided and you say 12 years have elapsed. You haven’t transgressed in over a decade while she’s been entirely out of line?

I think you should sit down with all 3 kids and tell them the truth regarding the money situation. And tell them that you need to move forward with your life the same as they are doing.
Reduce the payment to your exw to the amount the cms state and give the 'change' to the kids as a monthly allowance, this will teach them money management for the future.
Your exw needs to grow up, get off her bum and find a job.
If she sells the house and impacts on the kids, they will know EXACTLY what her prioriites are and who to blame.
I would be very surprised if they dont already know exactly who she is.
You have in a way put your life on hold all these years because of this woman. She is not your responsibility but you are allowing her to call all the shots. Damn her... let her do her worst. Plenty of women have to suck it up and get on with bringing up a family with NO financial support from ex husbands/partners. Why is she so special. She has been cossetted for long enough while calling the tune with her histrionics.
You are entitled to your own life after divorce....

@5thnonblonde what is it you’re seeking from the OP? It’s not clear tbh. What is clear is this woman has older children and could well have used the past 4/5 years to get herself back into work and earning.

Most women (myself included) haven’t had a fraction of what this man has provided. I work fulltime and don’t receive a penny from my exh.

What transgression are you looking for?

@5thnonblonde she might say that I don't give her enough money but no one else in my life thinks that.
She might say I made her stay ar home but that's not true. I offered to pay for childcare if she wanted to study or work but she always said no. I also offered to send all children to boarding school if she wanted to return to full time education that might been her having to travel a distance to a college and she said no.
There is very little more I can do for her besides keep her until the day she dies and that should not happen as she is no longer my wife.

@sassbott sounds like OP has got into a battle mentality which rarely results in any meaningful compromise. OP clearly came here wanting the OK to cut her off but why does he care what Internet randos think? Perhaps he feels guilty. He’s less likely to feel guilt if he views her as a whole real person and can engage with her as such.

@5thnonblonde how can I wish to cut her off when she has a house, a car, a six figure lump sum and no obligation to provide for third level education as I have undertake to pay for and support all three children through college and/or university.
If she has spent all the lump sum on top of the maintenance I have always given her how can that be my fault?

@JJfish70 sorry I’ve misunderstood, I thought money and you giving it to her was your main bugbear?!

OP I think you've had a fairly unanimous response apart from the odd person who wants to pick holes in what you've done. I would ignore the minority who are having a dig.

You can absolutely do as @tiredofthisshit21 and apparently all your d&v suggest. If your echo chamber sounds a little hollow and you want to figure out why you need all this external approval then you could try imagining what a critic would say and considering if any of that lands.

F&f not d&v

@5thnonblonde

You can absolutely do as *@tiredofthisshit21* and apparently all your d&v suggest. If your echo chamber sounds a little hollow and you want to figure out why you need all this external approval then you could try imagining what a critic would say and considering if any of that lands.

Am trying to work out what your agenda is, or whether you're just trolling. Are you suggesting OP should keep his ex wife in the manner to which she's become accustomed until the day she dies? Wait, are YOU the ex wife??

You sound very like my DP. He has done similar in terms of putting his own life on hold to continue to support his DD and ex. TBH he’s lucky that I could afford to buy the house we live in as his money is all still tied up with ex (and to put this in context I earn only 1/3 of what he does.)

They are currently having major arguments over the same issues you raise due to their DD now approaching 18 and ex not being able (willing) to support herself if the payments to her stop. Ex is used to having a very high quality of life, of course she doesn’t want this to end. I think my DP has buried head in the stand, hoping that she will eventually start to move on or build a life for herself over the years. What has become clear is that this will not happen unless she has absolutely no choice.

@tiredofthisshit21 ah you’ve got me!

I’m just always a bit sus when any argument is presented quite so one sidedly. Plus I’ve read the OP several times and it starts off asking for advice and then puts forward a few martyr like suggestions when in reality all OP has to actually ‘do’ is nothing, just get on with his life, it’s none of his business what she chooses to do with hers. Yet he seems to need the express approval of everyone to do this, despite being apparently a successful professional.

Wait, are YOU the ex wife??

Lol.

You’re right 5thnonblonde - a house, car, Children’s further education, substantial lump sum is NOT ENOUGH. The ex should have more, and it’s entirely right to emotionally blackmail the OP by threatening the stability of his DC’s home life unless she gets more money, in fact, ALL of the money. Forever more.

OP - has the ex been in a relationship since?

Yet he seems to need the express approval of everyone to do this, despite being apparently a successful professional

Successful professionals can still be abused in their personal lives.

You have been v kind and sound like a v good dad. Well done for your patience.
You have done more than many would have,
And your ex is not showing herself to be a good parent if she uses your youngest as a threat tool by saying she will pull him put of
School and disrupt their studies.
I dont think you should enable her dependency anymore
It is time she wore her big girl pants and started living like an adult and not a grown woman-child!
You have three kids - not four.
You can start giving the money needed for haircuts etc directly to your youngest: offer for them to live with you - and not their flaky mum. And time to close your wallet to your exW
I am divorced- and I have three kids - aged 20/17/15
And so I know who much/little some ex husbands contribute. You have done more than enough

And the OP has been exposed to this abuse - the Ex threatening harm to his children if he doesn’t do what she wants - for nearly 2 decades.

It’s not realistic for him to just have an epiphanic moment and “get on with his life” so easily.

@5thnonblonde I’m a relatively successful professional. And yet I turn to Mumsnet huge amounts for advice and perspective. Even more in recent years as I’ve had immense relationship challenges. Why? Because it helps sometimes to get my head straight.

Why are you judging the OP so harshly?