Unreasonable ex turned creepily friendly - new baby on my horizon

[Embarrasssed]

Hi all, get comfy, it's a long one...

I'm due in about 3 month.

Bit of back story

Ex and my current partner were together less than a year when she fell pregnant (after a miscarriage from a one night stand, less than a year before). She was desperate for a baby.

They broke up when she was around 4 months pregnant. Lots and lots of accusations of abuse, harresment, assault, you name it. All baseless.

They lived separately, but close by. He continued to stick around and did 70% childcare when SC was a newborn til about 2/3. Mum had yoga or her period or was tired or some other selfish reason she couldnt do the bulk of care.

I met him and started relationship when SC was 18 mo. SC is now 7.

Thoughout, all mum has kept up the accusations, involved police ( who were incredibly helpful and got my partner in touch with domestic abuse coordinator who set us up with a bullying diary through 101 so we could let them know about potential flash point situations when accusations were likely to be made before she called the police and made up stories).

We went to court and saw a reasonable judge who granted a very reasonal 60-40 split and holiday arrangements. She was NOT happy. She thought she could repeat accusations and get full custody.

She is not used to not getting what she wants to say the least and has made life as negative, and difficult as possible for the last 5 years.

She is a master manipulator and lives in quite a different relaity to most other people from - this is known from her accusations and written communication (mostly abusive and threatening or through solicitors who are equally as threatening).

Anyway.....

In the last 5 years we have seen her approximately 6/7 times in person. On those occasions she has either physically turned her back to us and ignored us completely (much to SCs confusion) or picked the child up and marched off in the opposite direction without breaking stride (much to the SCs confusion)....

When mum is not there we always make a point of having positive small talk with handover facilitator (same person, once every two weeks, other hand overs are at school).

Since I have conceived it's been really weird... First we got a card, half written by SC and half by her saying how delighted they are and can't wait to meet new baby..

She has since been at two further handovers, and she has been all smiles and eye contact, not chatty as such but talking (a tiny bit). It's odd but we pretend it's usual, say hello and bit of small talk and bits of pointless info about SC....trying to keep it normal. We walk away saying "... That was weird..."

SC is v excited to have baby sibling and has said things like:

• baby will be related to mum cos I'm related to mum and to baby

-mums brought baby presents -mum wants to hold baby at handovers -mums kept special presents for baby when we find out the sex -me and mum think we should call it ..... -baby is going to come stay at mum's house with me

I'm a little confused as to what is goin on and as much as I welcome the positive interaction it's completely at odds to previous behaviour and it's freaking me out.

I'm really worried that she is going to turn up with SC at the easiest opportunity and weedle her way into our home before we are ready for external visitors.

Obviously we plan to pick up SC when we're home with baby in the first couple of days so she can be included asap but this does not extend to her mum.

I am contemplating wiring her a letter around boundaries and that we will have a 'closed house' to everyone except close family in the first month or so... Just to really spell out she is not family and will not be playing any kind of part in this new babies life. Her daughter, however, will. As SC is family and ex is not.....

Or we can be really honest with SC and say that baby will not be going to mum's house and as much as your mum can meet baby that will be all (I'm not happy with the idea or her holding baby even).

At the end of the day I do not know the woman. Any interaction I've had has been horrendous, either in-person or via letter.

Am I being a tiger mum?
Her complete flip in behaviour is disconcerting and is causing me some anxiety...

Is it best not to spell these things out and nod and smile when sc says these things and know they will actually never happen and make excuses if asked about any of it?

What do you think?

She sounds utterly crackpot why is she trying to name your baby? And expects visitation?

Does she think he is going back to her and she will "get" a baby?

Honestly on dark days my mind tell mes she's going to steal my baby.... 😳 Then I remember I'm a rational person and I think she is just doing it to be involved in SC excitement and when we inveriably say 'no' she can tell SC how horrible we are and how lovely she is...(she has done this before - were the unreasonable ones who don't talk to her ...)

Omg this is so weird- after how she has behaved I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her! Your number 1 priority is your child who is NOT related to her in any way, shape or form!
You need to tell her to back off in no uncertain terms!

No I wouldn't send her a letter based on what a 7 year old is saying. Why even consider opening a door of communication further with her. Your reacting to situations that haven't happened. Don't look for trouble before it comes to your door is the saying that springs to mind.

Smile and nod and when baby comes just go on as you plan to. Don't bring the baby to collection and drop off and keep things as seperate as possible out side of your home.

If you and your dp think its needed look for some age appropriate books that talk about seperated families and having two homes etc.

Children can find it difficult to under how everyone in their life is connected. It took years for my dd 8 to actually understand her older sister and brother had different mam and dad to her and siblings in other houses that aren't actually hers. She is the full time resident child who DH and I share with a half sibling from dh and I.

Don't assume it's all coming from her mam. It could be partly her trying to make sense of how it all fits as well.

@Maybe83

Very sensible comments, thank you. You are right, I am assuming this is coming from mum but may not be.

Do you think it's worth having a frank convo with SC about the fact her mum will not have anything to do with baby?

My first reaction when she told me about the presents (that are all coming from mum and not SC) was confusion and I said she really didn't need to be buying baby presents.

Maybe wasnt the best reaction as now SC says it with more force and is adamant that baby is getting special presents from them (SC and mum)..

I have been looking at nice something's on the web with engraving SC and new baby's name on for a present 'from baby' to SC as I hear this can help with jealousy but think her mum is going to get in there first. - agian I don't know but I have a feeling it's something mum would do.

She is telling the child the baby will be staying over at her house?

That's so insane that I think you need to be careful here.

No! Do not have a 'frank convo'. YOU will be the drama then. Just brush it off. 'Oh I doubt it'

Hmm. I wouldn't assume this is coming from the mum, I would have initially assumed that the DSC thinks all of these things.

I would firmly but gently tell the DC that the new baby will not be going to their house because you will be the mummy of the new baby.

The parts about the DSC mum holding the baby and being related to the baby I would ignore.

No I wouldn't have a frank conversation about how her mam won't have anything to do with her sibling. Even the way you have written that I feel the animosity coming off you.

I would get some books. Your dp should rather than you take some opportunities to explain gently how this baby will have him and you as its mam and dad and hers is him and her mam and how you four are a family and she's so also has a special family with her mam.

I think I would get her to help pick a special present for the baby with you and your dp then pick something to give her from the new baby when it comes. Or get a family picture frame done with all your names together get her to help you do it and pick what goes into it.

Small steps to help her understand you four are a family unit in yourselves seperate to her mam and her.

If ore the mother, gently correct SC about anything not factually correct eg not related to her mum, won’t be staying over at her house etc..

*ignore

Is this ex my DH’s ex? Honestly we’ve had this. Crackpot woman suddenly offering to babysit my new baby. Even bought presents and tried to give us nursery furniture. I just got DH to deal with it as I want nothing to do with her

@Notwithittoday
How did your DH deal with it?

I think I will take the gentle fact correcting approach and lots nodding and smiling with fingers crossed behind my back... sounds sensible and I don't want to give her any ammo that I am evil stepmother who is meany ( which they call me apparently...😕)

Have your baby in a sling whenever you are going to meet SC's mum. Or you skip those for a while and just send DH.
She's a weirdo. I'd be worried about her hurting on purpose or stealing the baby too.

Due to her previous behaviour:

1. Both you and more importantly your DP need to correct your SC about their relationship and their mum's relationship to your child every time the child says incorrect things. Make it clear that their mum is no relation to your child so won't be seeing them.
2. Tell your midwife what she is apparently saying.
3. Keep your baby then child away from her at all times.
4. If she comes near your baby/child inform the police.

We had similar and that's the advice we were given.

If you get any inappropriate presents e.g. very expensive so not reasonable for a sibling to give then send them back to her house.

She’s being weird as fuck.

I get on very well with my ex, he’s single and has been for years and I can’t imagine a scenario where I’m asking to hold another woman’s baby! I mean, I’d want a peek because, well, babies are adorable and I’m done having them. But I’d never overstep like this - and I get on well with my ex.

Whack job.

@RedWingBoots
Hi, gosh that seems like strong stance. Can I ask on whose advice did you take those steps?

I don't want to escalate any negative behaviour and ultimately it would be nice to be in place where we can do things all together, for SC sake (like SCs birthday for instance, she has repeatedly asked for us to do something all together but we're not allowed to join in their plans). I'm less likely to want to join now she's so keen to get involved with baby though...

This is based on legal advice and health care professional advice.

It isn't a strong stance if the police and family court are already involved in the situation.

Your child is not related to her in anyway so
you and your DP need to make that clear she has absolutely no right to see them whatsoever and won't.

You and your DP need protect your child from her until they are old enough to protect themselves. Plus you need to be protected from her by your DP until your child is no longer a baby.

You seem to have an issue with boundaries with abusive people. She isn't a nice person so leave her be, stop communicating with her - leave that to your SC father - and more importantly stop trying to appease her. You can't have the dream blended family you want as her behaviour is weird and dangerous.

@Embarrasssed I'm sorry to sound critical but I cannot understand why you think it would be nice to be able to do stuff together like sdcs birthday???? This woman abused your partner & the police have been involved. Why are you even entertaining her carry on & why are you at hand overs?
You need to stand right back from her & leave any dealings with her to your partner. Do not contact her or have a convo with her - as pp's have said all you'll be doing is getting right into the drama, her drama.
It is possible to gently but firmly correct sdc every time she makes comments re her dm & the baby & again, as pps have said, positively reinforce YOUR family unit.

Saying this with kindness, OP but please wake up!

You’re five years into a journey of consistently high conflict, abusive behaviour with ongoing support from police.

You say she ‘has made life as negative and difficult as possible’ for you and DH.

During this time, you’ve done your best to shield DSC, which is good parenting. But this doesn’t and shouldn’t extend to manufacturing harmony over your new baby. This is not the beginning of some new, happier relationship with DSC’s mother. It’s just a new theme for her manipulation and dysfunction and sounds really sinister.

I agree 100% with everything @RedWingBoots has said.

You do not need to be in contact with this woman in any way. Just step away from it all and let DH cover essentials. You don’t need to see her or do any pick ups or drop offs. Does she ever come to your house to collect? Time to start building very secure boundaries. I would want to keep the baby completely away from her for as long as possible. Years, ideally!

If you want to focus on something more positive then there are tons of ways for you to include DSC in the prep as much as s/he wants. Be aware that any and all information you share may go back to mum though.

I’d also think through some early logistics for when your baby arrives. The ex doesn’t need to be notified of baby’s arrival or sex - wait until DSC is with you before you share, so they hear it first and from you.

Enjoy the next few months - tune this woman out.

She sounds batshit, but there's not much you can do about that or to prevent her potentially trying to spin this negatively to DSD. It's better not to stress too much about that because you can't stop it.

I have a similarly aged DSS who also comes out with misinformed statements like those sometimes, and yes we do address them with him, in a matter of fact way.

We've always had conversations with him about how he has two families, this is a familiar concept to him. So when he comes out with "my mummy will be DSis (mine and DPs DD) aunty/other mummy" we can remind him that his mum is family to him but not to DD, as it's in keeping with what we've always said. We don't say it angrily or as though it's a bad thing, we just reinforce the family roles in a matter of fact way. We had to do the same when he said DD would be living with his grandma.

Oh and as the police, particularly the domestic abuse unit, are involved if you both allow the situation to escalate SS will get involved to safeguard your baby if you can't or won't.

I'd be very careful Op. I can't imagine this woman has had a change of heart and suddenly wants to be reasonable. If she wanted full custody of her DD maybe she hopes once you have your own DC you won't want to see your DSC anymore. Maybe she feels you have part of her DD so she's entitled to part of yours? I can't see this ending well either way.
Let your DP have the job of handovers and don't be afraid to get the authorities involved if things get too weird

Thanks all, funny how spot on some of your comments are! Good to get some perspective and your all right, in a lot of ways.

I do appreciate the concern for welfare and that is paramount on my mind too.

On way to handover today SC asked us if we thought mum would be there and we said we didn't know. SC mentioned that mum might be because she wants to be able to hold the baby so is 'trying' and that it's SCs idea that she come to handovers if she does 'want to hold baby so much'.

This did lead us on to a gentle conversation about the fact we are two separate families.

We spoke too about not knowing mum well enough to let her hold and look after baby, and that in the first few months it is only close family and best friends who will be allowed.

SC seemed to understand this but can't comprehend the difference in the baby being their sibling and therefore her mum is family too...

We left it open that we will talk about this again and it's ok not to fully understand cos it's a tricky situation.

It's so difficult to avoid the psychological damage which can be inflicted on a confused 7 yo brain. Thats what I am struggling with. We don't want SC to be pulled in both directions but also need to be honest and open with them. SC is very clearly being manipulated though and used as a pawn and it has to be handled so carefully.

I went to handovers originally on advice from the police to be a witness if further accusations were made. I think that will be the last handover though.

If things esclaste we are in a position where we can go back to court to change arrangements to do all handovers at school (which is so much more preferable for all involved anyway). There is also an option of non molestation order too.

If the shoe was on the other foot and my DP was suggesting these things about her new baby we would definitely have the police round like a shot and be dragged through the courts again...makes me so angry

A friend of mine has step-children who also initially assumed that her new baby would alternate homes like they did, so I don’t think that is unusual. Unfortunately your DSD has a bat-shit mother to complicate things.

I’m trying to think of an analogy you could use, but all that is coming up are things like sofas! So DSD has a sofa at your house that also belongs to you and DH, but her sofa at her Mum’s doesn’t belong to you & DH at all. The baby is like your sofa and her mum can’t borrow it!