Hi all, get comfy, it's a long one...
I'm due in about 3 month.
Bit of back story
Ex and my current partner were together less than a year when she fell pregnant (after a miscarriage from a one night stand, less than a year before). She was desperate for a baby.
They broke up when she was around 4 months pregnant. Lots and lots of accusations of abuse, harresment, assault, you name it. All baseless.
They lived separately, but close by. He continued to stick around and did 70% childcare when SC was a newborn til about 2/3. Mum had yoga or her period or was tired or some other selfish reason she couldnt do the bulk of care.
I met him and started relationship when SC was 18 mo. SC is now 7.
Thoughout, all mum has kept up the accusations, involved police ( who were incredibly helpful and got my partner in touch with domestic abuse coordinator who set us up with a bullying diary through 101 so we could let them know about potential flash point situations when accusations were likely to be made before she called the police and made up stories).
We went to court and saw a reasonable judge who granted a very reasonal 60-40 split and holiday arrangements. She was NOT happy. She thought she could repeat accusations and get full custody.
She is not used to not getting what she wants to say the least and has made life as negative, and difficult as possible for the last 5 years.
She is a master manipulator and lives in quite a different relaity to most other people from - this is known from her accusations and written communication (mostly abusive and threatening or through solicitors who are equally as threatening).
Anyway.....
In the last 5 years we have seen her approximately 6/7 times in person. On those occasions she has either physically turned her back to us and ignored us completely (much to SCs confusion) or picked the child up and marched off in the opposite direction without breaking stride (much to the SCs confusion)....
When mum is not there we always make a point of having positive small talk with handover facilitator (same person, once every two weeks, other hand overs are at school).
Since I have conceived it's been really weird... First we got a card, half written by SC and half by her saying how delighted they are and can't wait to meet new baby..
She has since been at two further handovers, and she has been all smiles and eye contact, not chatty as such but talking (a tiny bit). It's odd but we pretend it's usual, say hello and bit of small talk and bits of pointless info about SC....trying to keep it normal. We walk away saying "... That was weird..."
SC is v excited to have baby sibling and has said things like:
- baby will be related to mum cos I'm related to mum and to baby
-mums brought baby presents
-mum wants to hold baby at handovers
-mums kept special presents for baby when we find out the sex
-me and mum think we should call it .....
-baby is going to come stay at mum's house with me
I'm a little confused as to what is goin on and as much as I welcome the positive interaction it's completely at odds to previous behaviour and it's freaking me out.
I'm really worried that she is going to turn up with SC at the easiest opportunity and weedle her way into our home before we are ready for external visitors.
Obviously we plan to pick up SC when we're home with baby in the first couple of days so she can be included asap but this does not extend to her mum.
I am contemplating wiring her a letter around boundaries and that we will have a 'closed house' to everyone except close family in the first month or so... Just to really spell out she is not family and will not be playing any kind of part in this new babies life. Her daughter, however, will. As SC is family and ex is not.....
Or we can be really honest with SC and say that baby will not be going to mum's house and as much as your mum can meet baby that will be all (I'm not happy with the idea or her holding baby even).
At the end of the day I do not know the woman. Any interaction I've had has been horrendous, either in-person or via letter.
Am I being a tiger mum?
Her complete flip in behaviour is disconcerting and is causing me some anxiety...
Is it best not to spell these things out and nod and smile when sc says these things and know they will actually never happen and make excuses if asked about any of it?
What do you think?