Can I please just have a rant about my husband and step son

[GratefullyDecline]

And how much my husband babies him. It infuriates me.

My step son is 12, nearly 13, and is never made to lift a finger, ever, to do anything.

And it's honestly starting to really annoy me. When I grew up, chores were just part of life. My parents were never hugely strict but by that age I was expected to do small things to help out, tidy my room, wash up sometimes, set the table, that sort of thing.

My step son is made to do nothing at all. He's never washed a glass, set the table, has tidied his room less times than I can count on one hand. He doesn't even make his own breakfast before school my husband rushes around in the morning making sure he's got a bowl of cereal placed in front of him whilst he sits there watching TV.

I'm a SAHM and sometimes help out in the mornings. But I am now refusing to take him to school unless the weather calls for it. I'm not messing all the other children around driving a 12 year old 15 minutes down the road. At that age I was getting on public transport for 40 minutes to two towns away to go to school! I also refuse to sort his breakfast out too and if he doesn't make any for himself (which I shout down to him and tell him to do) then that's tough, we'll still be leaving.

His room is absolutely disgraceful. I have given up asking for it to be tidied because DH doesn't enforce it. But I won't go in there to do things now like change bed sheets etc.. there is just shit everywhere, all over the floor, rubbish etc.

I've just had enough and am now completely detaching. Whenever I bring anything up to H he says it's nothing to do with me if he wants to make him breakfast or whatever, fine no it's not (even though it still annoys me watching it), but I'm not going to be expected to do the same.

He says I won't be as hard on my DC when they are that age and I'll be exactly the same which is absolutely not true. I absolutely plan (and do already) to get my children to do some small age appropriate things around the house and I certainly won't be rushing about every morning making pieces of toast for teenagers! My toddler already knows to put toys away and things when asked.

I appreciate this is not my step sons fault, he's never been made to do these things but it's just making me resentful of the whole situation. I understand teenagers are lazy, I'm not expecting the world. But even if he was just asked to do some things, keep his room tidy or whatever, I'd feel better. Even if he didn't actually do it in a weird way?! At least I'd feel like DH had some actual expectations of him and how he treat the house if that makes sense? I used to pull my face at being asked to tidy my room and it wasn't always tidy at all, but my parents still told me to do it, I couldn't have just gotten away with being treated like a 5 year old all the time.

Driving me nuts.

Stepmum to an 18 year old here OP and he's always going to take the easy route if he can because boys are inherently lazy.

He will leave cups/plates on the side in fear of opening the dishwasher in case it needs emptying. He even used to ask me if the dishwasher was clean or empty before he approached it.

DH used to serve him food on his lap in the lounge at his old house, and clear away his plates. That stopped when we moved in together.

Here's a list of things he hates doing:

Putting clean bedclothes on (I'll wash them if I'm putting on a wash but leave them clean and folded on his bed.
Same for clothes, he'll happily work his way through a pile of clean clothes rather than put them away in his wardrobe/drawers
If I ask him to clean his room he asks me when we'll be getting our pre Covid cleaner back (she retired during Covid)
When he emerges from his room at weekends (around midday so if he isn't up for breakfast I don't make him anything). If there aren't leftovers to eat and I always cook too much for this reason that he can heat in the microwave he will ask 20 questions on what he can eat. This house is ALWAYS well stocked with food. He just can't be bothered to think what to make himself most of the time.

He'll somehow create a mountain of wrappers and dirty cups in the lounge (fresh cup for every drink) and happily leave the room with it all sat there whilst he wanders off to his bedroom, head in his phone.

His bathroom is always left in a state, now I make him and DH share the same bathroom and they moan at each other about cleaning it.

I think he walked the dog twice last year and went to the shops for us once.

I got REALLY wound up in lockdown when DH somehow managed to put blinkers on and go to work whilst I was sat at home with it all but now I just tell him to clear up if I need to.

I do get glimmers of hope every now and then, last week he said "I'm off to mums in a bit but I'll empty the dishwasher first because you've done all the cooking all weekend" I nearly fainted.

Try not to overcomplicate it too much in your head. Dirty room? Shut the door. Washing up left in the sink? Tell him to do it or tell DH it needs sorting.

The approach is no different to what it might have been if you were house sharing as a student and asking a 12 year old to pick up after themselves is not a stepmum vs mum thing , it's a coaching thing.

Your expectations are entirely reasonable. Totally detach. Be pleasant and welcoming but let DH do everything. I wouldn’t touch the room. Let DH do it. It would be interesting to see how long DH and DSS leave the linen on. 🤢

As others have said, he’s actually setting his son back by failing to start teaching/expecting basic life skills. A 6yo can get their own breakfast and change their own bed linen.

I really agree this isn't a stepmum thing - its a parenting thing. The OP understands what a parent is and her husband has mixed "parent" up with "servant".

Parenting involves a lot of teaching, coaching and skills building. Serving is less than that, and someone who is merely served not parented doesn't have nearly as good a chance of magically developing into a responsible, self reliant, competent and functional adult - which is surely what reasonable humans want for their children.

There are a bazillion posters on MN whose children do fuck all around the house.
Your stepson is far from unique. Unfortunately.

You say your step so. Is being raised to be a man that does nothing

What is your Dh like about contributing to the practical rather than financial running of the household?

@Whatayear81

Let me guess

Even aside from this issue - you just do not like you stepson do you? Hate the week he comes… yes?

50% of his life with a step mum who resents him. Lovely

Ah here comes the bitter ex wives.

* Ah here comes the bitter ex wives*

Doesn’t really work as a sarcastic comment

Dh problem not stepchild
Will you be on the same page with your joint DC ?

Hi op, I really feel your frustration! My dp has a ds and he runs around after him, won't make plans until he has heard back off ds about what he wants to do (usually very last minute). Ds says he'll come away with us so we pay for a bigger hotel room, book for a weekend he's free then he doesn't bother coming. Dp hardly ever plus him up!
His room is a disgrace, won't wash up, texts his dad from bedroom asking for food or a drink then leaves pots in there. Never says thank you. The list is endless! I have learnt to stay out of it as dp gets offended/defensive on ds behalf but what I can't sit and watch is him pulling my ds up over the smallest of things (forgetting to close a door or leaving his homework out on the table) when my ds (8) is the one who sets and clears the table, puts washing in basket, tidies room etc. His ds is almost 18 but this has been going on for years.
It's worrying how many parents nowadays think they are helping their children by doing everything for them!

It would be interesting to see how long DH and DSS leave the linen on

Well it's been months now so ...

@Whatayear81

* Ah here comes the bitter ex wives*

Doesn’t really work as a sarcastic comment

That's because it's not sarcastic, just a fact.

@GratefullyDecline

It would be interesting to see how long DH and DSS leave the linen on

Well it's been months now so ...

I think you have had a real grilling here and ironically if you had posted this about your DC you would have so many comments from mums going oh my lord same, I have given up the ghost.

Please ignore the ignorant comments. As a mum I'm totally behind you. Teenagers suck.

I shudder to think about how crispy those sheets are gonna get though 🤮

I have two teens and a nearly 11 year old.

My nearly 11 year old cooked the family dinner unsupervised for the first time yesterday - for the last two years he and now 14 year old ds1 have cooked family dinner together once per week. My older teen also cooks separately once per week. I work shifts and when I'm on a late the kids take it in turns to cook.

The kids do the dishwasher on a rota (well they have a sheet of paper stuck to the dishwasher and sign when they've unpacked it, in turn. They police it between them as teens have a heightened sense of injustice and are very hot on ensuring that their siblings do as much as they do).

They similarly do the bins in turn.

They do all the guinepig care (we have indoor guinepigs) with set jobs they sorted out between them - the youngest is in charge of washing the blankets used as bedding and therefore competent operating the washing machine.

Their rooms are their own responsibility - only the oldest keeps hers Instagram perfect but the younger two empry their own bins and take their own laundry to the laundry basket or washing room and put their own laundry away, though both have to be reminded.

The middle one needs reminding to clear away his cups/plates but accepts that he will be summoned from gaming upstairs just to put a cup in the dishwasher because he should have remembered to do it before he went upstairs.

Of course its more effort to call a teen back (especially if that means walking upstairs, knocking on his door, having a conversation, walking back downstairs) and insisting he put his cup in the dishwasher than doing it myself, but that's the only way to ingrain the habit of everyone clearing up after themselves.

Presume competence and you mostly get it, with patience, consistency, a thick skin and endless reminders (both to the teens and yourself that you're their parent not their friend/ servant and that it's worth it).

As long as you let SS see you like him as a person, can enjoy his company, thank him if he does help load the dishwasher, take a general interest in his schooling /life, be supportive if something is going wrong then I don't see anything wrong with expecting some rules to be kept.

As that's surely what you do with your own DCs. Sad that DH thinks pandering and fussing is the way to go. That's a lousy example of manhood for the teenage son.

Very similar here to @UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme.

I have pre teens/ teens. They can all

• strip / make beds
• tidy rooms
• clean toilets / light clean of their sink
• load washing machine/ hang washing
• load / empty dishwasher
• older teen (14) now makes the dinner most nights in return for ££ and loves the ability to earn money
• snacks / cereal / sandwiches/ packing of lunchboxes and clearing up after is all their responsibility.
• they make their own way to school and back. Zero issues
• make me a nice piping and well brewed cup of tea
• put bins out
• do light gardening

Do I have to nag? Sometimes yes. Do I have to call them back down to put cups in dishwasher and sweet wrappers in bin? Yes. Will I call them back to flush a toilet if not flushed? Hell yes.

Your DH is doing his son absolutely no favours. He’s raising an entitled man child who will expect others to pander to him. Lazy parenting.

@sassbott out of interest how did you build up to the point where they can do all that? What ages did you introduce different things?

I feel that my DP hasn't taught his boys to do much... when for example his eldest DS (14 soon) is wandering around like a lost sheep saying "is there any washing... I have no school trousers" I don't feel it helps anyone. If he 1) put dirty clothes in the laundry basket not threw them randomly for others to pick up, 2) knew how to work the machine, 3) had any involvement in hanging up or putting away his own clean clothes he would know where his trousers were. It keeps them in a child state when they should be becoming young adults. (Also frankly the tone of "house slave, drop everything and locate my trousers" doesn't go down well after working a 10 hour day, cooking, washing up, cleaning and wrangling toddler sibling while DSC sit gaming or watching tiktok from 3-10pm)

I want to make sure DD grows up a bit more independent than this. But I'm sure that's easy to say and harder to do!

@Tigertealeaves I started from when they were toddlers. When they played with toys, they helped clear up before bedtime. If they deliberately (as they got older) tipped water out the bath they would be given a cloth to help dry while I did. No joke. Once they were able to toddle and carry plastic plates/ cups, they were encouraged to carry them to the sink. Then eventually they were asked to put them in the dishwasher. When I unloaded the dishwasher they were asked to put their things away in their cupboards (I had one they could reach with the plastic plates/ cups etc).

Children by nature are sponges and want their parents approval. They will very happily try and engage with an adult in any activity / for rewards. As they get older it requires more nagging/ consistency and cold hard cash. It also requires a degree of letting children take their own responsibility. I have told my kids that if they don’t have what they need for school and accordingly get a uniform strike (eventual detention) that is on them. Not me. Kids tend to get one strike from a school, learn their lesson and not repeat it again.

I also don’t give them a choice. They have a great life and a nice home. Which they have to pitch in and play their part in. It’s a non negotiable tbh.

I will add. This takes work, consistent work. Listening to moaning. Having stern words. No teenager wakes up thinking ‘I’m going to bounce downstairs and unload the dishwasher’ organically. They’re incredibly self involved and will get away with as little as possible.

If however they know there are consequences? They will act accordingly. If my DC’s rooms were even close to what you say your DH’s DC’s are? I would switch wifi off, remove any devices and basically tell them that until they could respect our home? They get zero privileges.

My teens chores

14 yr old boy - empties the dishwasher every other morning, loads the dishwasher every other night. Also takes out the rubbish and wipes the sides on his dishwasher night. Tidies his room when I tell him and changes his bed. Will stick the vacuum round the house when I ask him and will go to the shop when I ask him. Catches the bus to and from school. Catches the bus into town to go shopping/out with friends/catches the bus to my nans to walk her dog when I ask him. Helps me get things in and out the loft when I need that help. Gets himself up in the morning and gets his own breakfast. Helps me cook once a week.

16yr old girl - all of the above plus has been doing her own washing since 15. Keeps her room tidy and clean without me asking (nowadays) and can cook without my help.

They have been getting their own breakfast, making their own way to secondary school and tidying up their rooms and helping me since yr 7. It's not always easy especially with ds and getting himself up. He knows that if he's late to school he will get a detention as I won't cover for him. He is a lot lazier than dd but idgaf tbh. I'm not treating him like a baby.

OP, I could have written your opening post. DH totally infantalised his son, right up the point he left for Uni, which must have been a huge shock. DH always wanted to be the fun parent and was too scared to instil any sort of discipline/household chores, in case DSS voted with his feet and stopped visiting. It was infuriating and caused some massive rows between me and DH.

@sassbott @SnowWhitesSM thanks for making me feel less out on a limb here!

I've been insisting DD puts her own food wrappers in bin, toys and shoes away, trying to normalise it. Hoping some of this gets picked up by teen and pre teen siblings to be honest! I know it is "easier" to pick up after them ... as a teacher I am VERY thankful to parents who teach their DC that their litter / homework / mess doesn't magically sort itself. I've dealt with many a teen rolling out the old "we have cleaners so why shouldn't we throw loads of tiny bits of paper / food on the floor, they can pick it up for us" line

It's only easier to pick up after them until they're teenagers. OP should have done an AIBU and said he was her son not her step son. She would have got a completely different response.

It doesn't matter that it's easier to pick up after them IMO. It'd be easier to do a 6 year old's homework for them than support them in doing it themself too. That's not really what bringing up children is about - although obviously some people don't really bring their children up but rather try to preserve them in a state of permanent dependence out of apathy or misguided belief that abasing yourself and behaving like a servant makes people love you, or something...

although obviously some people don't really bring their children up but rather try to preserve them in a state of permanent dependence out of apathy or misguided belief that abasing yourself and behaving like a servant makes people love you, or something...

I think it can be laziness - it's much easier to employ a cleaner than to consistently remind a child that the dishes need to go in the dishwasher or what ever. It's often easier just to do it yourself.

YourenutsmiLord I don't disagree that it can be laziness (or apathy). I meant that saying its easier to do it yourself is exactly the same as saying its easier to do your child's homework for them than support them to do it themselves.